My daughter says she "accepted" her acne. Is this good ?

[MalibuBarb]

My sister and I still struggle with acne in our 40s. It's like a family curse, especially for the female family members. Recently, what I was dreading finally happened as precious 13 year old girl started getting acne.

I thought I was prepared with treatment ideas, and emotional support. But she shocked me by saying she accepts her acne. She says she doesn't want her father and I to waste money on treatments. We're not struggling for money nor anything. All she says she needs is pimple patches for the really painful ones.

She just seems fine with it. She's doing all the social things she usually does. Even though she's allowed to if she wants, she doesn't wear makeup. Maybe it's generational or something. I'm sure if I should be concerned.

There’s a strong “skin positivity” movement on Insta etc. Accepting your acne.

I’ve also had long term acne and like you I don’t know what I’d think about this

On the one hand I would love DDs to be spared the crippling self consciousness and obsession with concealment that I had in my teens and twenties

On the other hand… if there are treatments that would help, and that don’t have risks attached, why wouldn’t she use them?

(roaccutane is a different ball game - I took it at 15 and I wouldn’t give it to any under 18 yo personally).

i don't think at 13 a child is mature enough to understand the long term effects.
just like dental needs i would make sure she is seen by the family dr.

Please get an appointment with the doctor , both my kids randomly got bad acne last October, early 20s, ds didn’t want to go to doctor, dd went about something else and got given a prescription which took a while but cleared it up meanwhile ds skin was getting very bad he saw dds improvement so went, got completely different prescription and 6 weeks later it had stopped.

they both have now got rid of the scars from being in the sun, but both know that the doctor sorted it.

I know it doesn’t always work for everyone but it’s got to be worth a try

Earlier, I wasn't sure if I should mention this. I thought maybe what I said in the main post was enough information but maybe it wasn't.

She straight out told me that she "didn't want" her acne to clear up.

except you are on mn asking "if this is good".
no it's neither good nor bad, your dd is too immature to make this decision.
it's similar to self harm.
even if she is not interested i would insisted on a dr/dermatologist appointment and i wouldn't let this go.

It is indeed a very healthy attitude and mindset to have, that of acceptance.
However I do disagree with @GrumpyDullardre 'there is nothing you can do".
Has her GP referred her to the consultant at the hospital? Roaccutane is not for everyone, has side effects. But is AN option.

Sounds like you want her to be “devastated” like you were. Why on earth would you want your child to be upset as opposed to the very healthy attitude she seems to have? Maybe reflect on that.

The real problem is that this might not be just a teenage thing - based on your family history, she might have acne for the next forty years. If that happens and she has no treatment she will be terribly scarred, and it will impact her whole life.

Slightly random thought, but is it possible she is 'using' the acne as a way of trying to be less attractive to boys? How does she feel generally about puberty/womanhood?

I'm a lifelong acne sufferer too (now late forties) and I think what she wants now probably won't be what she wants in ten or even five years time, but by then she may be very scarred. She may also look back on her teens and realise it did have an impact psychologically and regret her choice to do nothing. I think she's too young to take responsibility this it and I'd make a GP appointment.

I’m struggling with the tone of your posts, OP. I understand you have good intentions. You want your DD to have smooth unblemished skin, and don’t want her to neglect her skin and end up scarred.

I do get that.

However, you sound a bit as though you are devastated by her skin problem, and can’t understand why she isn’t. As though it’s awful that she has a skin problem. She ought to be miserable.
If it were eczema, or a verruca, would you be reacting the same way?

I’m sensitive to your tone as my mum can’t stop talking about dieting and weight loss, warning me that I will regret it if I let my weight creep up etc. I know. I have been there and done it several times already. I don’t need her to make it the only thing we ever talk about. I don’t need reminding that I’m putting on weight.

As a dermatology nurse I would be treating and it won't be costing money. Go through the treatments offered by the GP but these will most likely not help, then once you get referred for accutane to give be gone forever

I agree with others, feel strongly that you would actually be failing her badly, if you didn't at least discuss this. It's actually dismissive to think nothing can be done. Lots can be done. Or at least try. What is driving her thoughts, is it also as pp's suggested an escape of an excuse re boys? But even if it's not, she's too young yo decide to do nothing.

saying that I am very proactive re both my boys, re at least talking, suggesting, persuading them to consider other options. Especially re health, eg trying Roaccutane, getting braces for teeth, or doing that extra activity, at least trying that sport, that food, that jet-skiiing. How do you know, till you've tried? It's a duty of care as a parent.

I’m a bit confused about this.

i had quite bad acne as a teen. I understand it’s quite common in teens largely due to hormonal changes.

in my day (old gimmer) many people wore wake up etc to hide it which I’ve always been told is actually quite bad for your skin and I understand isn’t recommended.

so surely it’s good she is happy in her own skin and not trying to cover it up for her own self esteem?

what would be the problem with leaving it?

@Octavia64 In an ideal world you would be right, and even scarring for life wouldn't matter and she would be able to stay confident in herself no matter what her skin is like. But it just doesn't work like that. She will get comments and nastiness that will affect her even if she would like them not to. Girls will be mean. She may not be able to find a relationship when she wants one as most people will find it off-putting. They are painful. Sometimes they leak pus before you've noticed and someone else points it out. Sometimes you wake up with blood on your pillow. Scarring is lifelong (or very expensive and risky to laser). I don't think we're talking about just a few pimples here. You wouldn't leave other skin conditions untreated so why would you leave this, especially on the face?

She isn’t struggling. She just keeps her skin as clean as she can and doesn’t pick. That’s what I’m saying. She copes very well with it.

I wonder if she has got involved in some online skin positivity groups and her acne is now part of her identity iyswim? It’s the only explanation I can think of!

Alternatively, perhaps what she means is, I’d be fine if it cleared up naturally by itself, but I don’t want to spend any time and effort trying to get rid of it, leave me alone Mum.

Self acceptance is big in the generations coming up. It’s a good thing.

My parents used to freak out whenever I got a spot. My dad would make me sit with a burning sun lamp thing on them. I didnt care about spots in the slightest.

Is her acne painful to her?