Please help me survive the newborn trenches :(

[Lovebythesea]

My lovely baby girl is 2 weeks old and sleeps like a dream in the day but at night she turns into a little terror and we are struggling.
She just won’t settle no matter what we do or try. My partner and I are taking shifts (approx 12am until 4am then 4am until 8am so that one of us can at least get some sleep)
She falls asleep while feeding but as soon as I try and remove my nipple she’s alert.
I assume this is total normal behaviour for a two week old? Any tips?
I am already very emotional with my hormones all over the place and feel so low. I feel like I’m doing an awful job when I can’t get her to sleep.

It's totally normal for 2 week olds to be awake during the night. It's not convenient but it is normal. You are not doing an awful job at all. It takes babies quite a while to learn the difference between night and day xx

No tips sorry, except for sleep whenever you can.

It’s totally normal. Are you cosleeping? If not, then do it, you can at least stay lying down rather than ask that tedious and exhausting getting up and down. You are all she knows, and she needs some time to get used to the world outside.

It is normal, best thing you can do is feed her in the dark, try not to wake yourself or her up too much. You can set her circadian rhythm by keeping it dark at night and lighter for day naps.

If you can learn to feed side lying the that's a win too as you can both pretty much stay asleep.

You’re doing a good job. It’s completely normal for a newborn. My DD slept like this for 12 weeks, then she was happy to go into her next to me crib. Why are your shifts from 12am though, you’d get more sleep if you started shifts at 8pm.

Very normal. Painful, but normal. I know it's very hard when you're exhausted, but try to get outside in the daylight as much as possible. Some babies get it a lot quicker than others.

Otherwise, co-sleep safely and fed lying down. Again, very difficult when you've never breastfed before but it will help when you get the hang of it.

Have you got the sage bedsharing guidelines @Lovebythesea? Like others have said have a go at sleeping lying down at night, it’s so much less tiring.

Other things you could try are using a T-shirt that DH has worn as the sheet in her bassinet. One of yours won’t work as it will smell of milk.

White noise might help too.

And get her outside in the day if you can. It takes around 6 weeks for them to figure out the difference between day and night but you can help this along by giving her a nice blast of sunlight in the morning, so feed, change nappy and into daytime clothes then out for 10 minutes walking around the garden.

She isn't a little terror, it's totally normal human behaviour. We are the only mammals that try to put our vulnerable infant down away from us to sleep to keep them safe. Our instincts still want us with mum. If baby is latched on and you follow safe cosleeping guidelines, you can't roll onto baby. Try putting your arm up in that position and rolling. Impossible. It is terrifying the thought of smothering them with all the scaremongering guidelines, I personally used a Snooza monitor when they were tiny for peace of mind but there are probably better things available nowadays. I personally think it's more risky to sleep in shifts and have someone awake, big risk of the awake parent falling asleep sitting up, this is where a lot of SIDS from 'cosleeping' statistics come from. Try reading the book 'Three in a bed'.

Alternatively, try a swaddle before nursing to sleep. Baby is less likely to startle awake and realise they are alone again. For night feeds I always used a red light bulb or salt lamp in the bedroom with mine to help them adjust to night and day by keeping the light very dim.

*safe

It's totally normal, very difficult though. Baby needs to learn the difference between day and night and won't be long. I found mentally preparing myself for the night made me feel slightly better, rather than convincing myself I MIGHT get some sleep tonight, I'd find a good series to watch, snacks, drinks for when I was awake. Try to get some sleep in the day too, although I know that's easier said than done. It'll get better soon x

I have been there, it’s hard but you will get through it I promise, what helped me was napping in the day when baby did, still is hard at night but manageable, I would also suggest maybe finding a good tv series for nights,
that way it’s more bearable

Natural light for 30 minutes first thing in the morning. Even if still sleeping, open all the curtains etc. More natural light in afternoon and early evening.

Keep it dark at night.

She'll get there eventually!!

Arghhh it's so tough. So so tough. You know it will end, you know you'll sleep again, but you don't know when. I remember it well! You're doing amazingly, keep ploughing on.

As said lots of time make the nights very dark (never turn on a mobile phone, the light is so awakening), I used a book lamp on dim to literally find my nipple and then turn it off.
No talking. Or noise of any kind. Only feed if necessary if just holding works try that.

No 1 thing get them used to falling asleep by themselves I was used to gently wake them awake after the last feed at night so they would have their eyes open for a second before they fell asleep on their own whenever possible.

Have a really repeatable bedtime routine from about 5 weeks

Look out for the clustering feeding (usually set days that I can't quite remember but Google will help) on those ridiculous days let them go for it. Other days try other things before feeding.

Learn to feed on your side. Total game changer.

Try and avoid a habit of rocking to sleep if you can.

It will get easier the first 6 weeks are pretty awful.

Safe cosleeping is the only way to survive when they want to do this. Elizabeth Pantley used to have a good guide or you could look at La Leche League Safe Sleep Seven. You go into a sort of recovery position so you can't roll over on them and then you can doze while they feed.

Don't combine swaddling and co-sleeping, though. It's one or the other. If you feed lying down while they are swaddled you must stay awake and move them. The safety of co-sleeping comes from the awareness between you, which they don't have if they are swaddled.

Feeding to sleep is perfectly fine. They all stop eventually. My children are 16, 6 and 3 and none of them feed to sleep

A game changing tip that I was told is to try the arm test before you try to put them down or extricate yourself - pick up their arm and let it drop, if it's floppy they are in a deep sleep. If they tense their arm in response to you touching it, they are in a very light sleep still. It can take about 20 minutes from the moment their eyes close to them actually being in a deeper sleep.

Another vote for co-sleeping, following the safe sleep seven. Recommended to me by a midwife after the first few days and it was a lifesaver. I’ve had such good sleep overnight compared to babies who sleep (and wake!) in the crib! Just pop my boob in and we both nod off back to sleep. It’s brilliant.

The newborn trenches are hard - super hard! At the time when people are saying to you ‘you will get through this’ when realistically at that exact time you feel like urgh I’m exhausted and the days are going slowly.

a few tips

in the day fresh air for you and baby

tag team as much as you can (which it sounds like you are already doing :)

day:night confusion for babies is so common but just bloody hard work for us!

try to show her the difference between day and night sounds silly but more active light and loud in the day vs night keep it dim dark and quiet when feeding changing etc

with my first I was adamant he wasn’t having a dummy but then I did give him one and made things a lot easier (sometimes they just need that comfort of sucking rather than actually feeding from us)

you are doing an amazing job you have grown and bought a baby into this world!! But yes the newborn time is bloody hard!

sending you lots of love x

I recommend getting some sleep headphones, I use a snoozeband. You need something to stay awake to, like an upbeat track list or a favourite audiobook/ podcast that’s nostalgic or silly and funny. Then you need something to listen to when it’s your turn to sleep so your adrenaline and exhaustion and your need to get as much sleep as possible doesn’t keep you awake.

Next I recommend coming off social media because every bugger in the algorithm with a baby sleep product is targeting you with their bullshit, convincing you that you’re doing something wrong. You’re not. And throwing money at a snoozpod will not help you.

Finally you can accept that this is mind blowingly hard, but that it will pass. You will sleep again I promise you, you just need to get through this stage. If you can sleep during the day please do so, and be careful about driving. I’m a single parent and let’s just say I ran more than one red light while sleep deprived in those early days.

I have a 5 week old (almost 6 weeks) and he was like this at the start (still is to an extent). Here’s what I’ve done:

• try a dummy (if you haven’t already). It worked for one or two nights and then he started refusing it but any sleep helps at this point. I would put it in his mouth when he woke up after transfer.
• try waiting 10/15 minutes after she falls asleep on the boob. It’s knackering but this got me to about a 50/50 chance of DS staying asleep upon transfer back to his next to me crib.
• try a Love to Dream swaddle sleeping bag. It holds their arms up which can restrict the startle reflex and gives them the feeling of still being held.
• get sleep elsewhere. DH used to get up with DD in the mornings and I would bring DS into bed and feed/co sleep for a couple of hours. This was still broken sleep but helped take the edge off.
• when she wakes, mentally prepare yourself to be up for a while. Don’t chase sleep, it only builds frustration. Put on a podcast or open up TikTok etc. Find something to do while you’re awake.
• don’t make plans you can’t cancel (unless super important!). It means less stress when you’re up in the night because you know that you can just clear your schedule the next day and stay home/relax as much as possible.

DS is almost 6 weeks now and he stays asleep most of the time when I transfer him into his crib. It still isn’t perfect but it’s better.

This time is so fleeting even though it doesn’t feel like it. Just know that when you’re up in the night you aren’t alone, there are millions of women round the world doing exactly the same thing. You aren’t doing an awful job!