Hello, just looking for some non-judgemental advice about my son who will be 5 in one month's time. His personality is very single-minded, determined, explorer type, always running / daredevil / thrill seeking and asks lot of questions! He just wants to be free and try everything. He can be fairly emotional / explosive at times (thought I don't think there's a sign of anything extreme or unusual) and can also be very loving, funny, and generally enjoys life. He is also quite a sensitive boy at times - again within the boundaries of neurotypical I would say.
Recently over the past month he has been behaving in a different way which we are finding very challenging. It could be down to end of the school year / tiredness etc, but nevertheless I am feeling unsure of how best to manage this and support him.
I would like to know what the of 'consequences' and management strategies could help him here. Do you have family rules? or specific consequences? I am especially interested to hear from parents of boys who are somewhat explosive or similar sounding to our boy.
Examples of behaviours include:
- He has been extremely tired when he gets home and very very grumpy and cross. He will have a meltdown or just fly of the handle at the smallest thing, and sometimes it feels like he is looking for a conflict. He will ask for something then deliberately change his mind as you are halfway through getting it, then change his mind again and berate you for getting the wrong thing, for example.
- He is talking and shouting at us extremely rudely, which is probably partially down to tiredness but still unacceptable. E.g. demanding "get me water" or just shouting "food!!" or something. It's like having a messianic dictator in the house sometimes!
- He will fly of the handle and throw things like toys / cushions / or push over the coffee table. The other day he tipped milk on the carpet on purpose.
- His friend's father recently told him off for something in a very stern way and he flipped out. It made me question my judgement if I have been too soft, or if the father was out of order.
- He absolutely refuses to say sorry.
- He has hit me in the leg or kicked out at me occasionally.
- He also decides he wants to do something and just does it, e.g. we live on a cul-de-sac and he opens the front door (it opens straight into our kitchen) and runs to the house opposite and knocks on the door asking to play with their child even though it's bath time, or something.
- It's not limited to after school - he wakes up grumpy and yells out "Mummy, come!" He is then demanding all morning.
What we are doing about it so far:
- Brought his bedtime earlier. He now has bath at 6.30pm with the aim of being asleep by about 7.30pm.
- Give him energy / carby snacks and water immediately after school followed by lots of filling good food where I can (he can be fussy)
- Trying to mitigate against meltdowns before they happen by preparing in advance!
- With things like violent or destructive behaviours I get down on his level or hold his wrists or block him with my body and say "I can't let you [damage the table]" or whatever it is
- With rudeness I say "I know you can ask me that in a kinder way"
- Not saying sorry - I say that when he does X it makes mummy feel sad or it hurts so and so, and that is why we say sorry.
- I am now double locking the front door!
Before the last month I would have waited until he was calmer and then spoken to him, asked him questions and tried to get him to understand why we do / don't do something. However for the past month those opportunities seem to have gone as he is never calm! I tried it at bath time the other night and it immediately pushed his buttons and began another sorry saga.
My concern is I don't want him to learn that this behaviour is acceptable because we don't have a conversation in the moment about why we don't break things or why we say sorry etc, but at the same time if he is stressed and cortisol is rushing through his brain it's not the best time to have such chats. I know he is slowly realising that he is not the centre of the universe which is a bitter pill to swallow for a little child, but I do also want to support him and not be authoritarian. I want to be authoritative and not permissive, and for him to learn.
I would be grateful to hear any tips if anyone's experienced similar? Thank you and sorry it's long!