How to extract myself from this childcare arrangement

[metellaestinatrio]

For the last few months I have been taking the child of family friends to an after school activity with my DS. I offered to do this as the other child (we’ll call him Colin for these purposes) wanted to join the activity but his parents couldn’t take him and I am going anyway. The DCs are at the same school so it’s all very straightforward. Both Colin and my DS are six, but Colin is in the year below my son at school as my son is a summer baby.

The problem is that Colin is not very nice to my DS. He often calls him names (only silly things like poo etc.), but also teases DS (for example when we went for a meal with the other family in a restaurant, Colin was taking ages in the men’s loo so my DS went in the ladies. Colin then spent the rest of the meal chanting “[name] went to the girls toilets” which made my - admittedly tired - DS cry). On top of that, he’s quite rude to me. My DS is not entirely blameless and will sometimes react by showing off that he knows more than Colin (e.g. asking Colin maths questions he won’t know the answer to). I deal with all these things sensibly, “It’s not nice to call people names, Colin” / “DS, Colin will learn that next year when he is in Y2. What did you do in maths today Colin?” However, my DS is getting really fed up of having Colin tag along with us.

I really want to stop taking Colin after the end of this term but am not sure how to handle it when my DS will definitely be carrying on with the activity (and Colin will know that) so I can’t do the typical British thing and make an excuse! The parents and Colin’s older sister are absolutely lovely, kind people and good friends and I don’t want to upset them. What do I do?!

I'd tell the truth - not sure what other option you have! The kids aren't getting on and it's more stressful than it's worth.

I think you need to bring up to them how rude he is being to you and your DS. If he wasn't rude would you carry on?

Next time he's rude, write down exactly what he says, then message Collins parents saying if he's rude again you won't take him. There's your get out (assuming he's rude!). If he isn't, you're OK to take him.

If it helps you, what would you think if you were Collins mum and no one told you until you stopped the arrangement? I'd be mortified and furious at my child. I'd have wished the other parent told me the first time, so I could have stopped it.

I’ve had to back out of numerous informal childcare arrangements over the years - it’s so easy to get stuck in these situations and I’ve learnt it’s important to say no as life is busy and complicated enough! I’ve used the excuse that I need to work remotely around the activity and therefore can only manage one child while responding to emails etc - whereas with two it’s not manageable. It doesn’t need to be a good excuse, just something brief to get yourself out of it. Otherwise you’ll just have to say the kids are a bit tired and squabble so it’s not working out.

Wouldn't it be best to talk to his parents about the issues. It gives them chance to talk to Colin and warn him that if he continues he won't be able to go anymore.
Hopefully his behaviour will improve and everyone will be happy. If not, well the arrangement ends

I’d be honest and say the boys are grating one another and think it’s best they take a break

this.

This boy is upsetting your son. You must put him first.

"Colin" sounds like a rude little brat and I wouldn't feel bad about ending the arrangement. Whatever you do, don't let the mother talk you into continuing it. Life is too short and so is childhood. Your son will remember these nasty remarks, trust me.

I agree with the poster about who said to say that the boys aren't getting along and need a break. It's the truth in a way and it makes it nearly impossible for the mother to argue her case.

I’d tell the mum that the boys aren’t getting along and need a break from each other. Even if the blame isn’t 50/50, pretending that it is will be the more polite way to go.

Yeah either say the kids aren’t getting on or be vague and say due to circumstance changing you can’t do it anymore

Just tell her the boys aren't getting on any more so you can no longer offer transport to their child.

Do not make up an excuse! "I won't be able to take Colin to the activity after the end of this term" is enough. Wait and see how she responds

What axolot said

What did Colin's parents do when "Colin then spent the rest of the meal chanting “[name] went to the girls toilets” which made my - admittedly tired - DS cry)."?

I think I'd text the parents now and say just a heads up that the boys aren't really getting on and it's making taking Colin to the activity really quite stressful so you don't think you'll be able to do it next year. Then see what they say. Giving them a heads up might mean they can work on his behaviour or have time to find someone else to give lifts or something. Maybe it's too much for Colin after a day at school?

Another vote for this. It’s honest but doesn’t place blame.

"Sorry but after the end of this term I can't take Colin to X club any longer. The boys don't always get on and it's all got a bit stressful. I hope you understand". Job done!

Been there and got the T shirt 😀

Agonised over it and was then just honest.

In my case i was looking after a friends DD for 2 hours after school. But it went tits up cos my DD and this kid would argue. A couple of weeks in i already knew it wasn't working. I left it till a couple of weeks more and just said the girls are squabbling and can we end the arrangement sorry sorry sorry sorry ect. My mate was fine about it and that was that 🙄😆

Thank you so much for the helpful replies. The consensus seems to be that I should be partially honest and tell the other mum that Colin and DS aren’t getting along very well so it’s best if we put an end to the arrangement. If she asks why (we see them quite regularly) would you give some of the detail of Colin’s behaviour? Or just say I think they’re a bit tired after school and rub each other up the wrong way? If any of my kids behaved like Colin I would want to know, but on the other hand I feel like if I tell the other parents they will be upset and pull back and that would be a shame as my DS gets on really well with Colin’s big sister.

They did speak to him and told him he had upset my DS but didn’t really follow through when he was unrepentant (to be fair, it was getting late and Colin was clearly tired as he was acting up a lot and I think they were just trying to get him home with no drama). I do however get the sense that they allow Colin to get away with rude / cheeky comments, possibly because he is the baby and his older sister is super mature and well behaved.

Hi friend, I’m not sure if you noticed the other day at dinner but the boys aren’t really getting on very well at the moment. Also I’m still not absolutely sure what my schedule will be next term so I just wanted to give you a heads up so you have plenty of time to perhaps rearrange your own schedule or find somebody else to take Colin to club starting next term. Thanks.

Can you bring it up with the other parents first. Say that colin and your dc are not getting along, they antagonise each other and you don't think the arrangement is working unleae the kids can get on. Give them both a talking to and then if they don't stop then you can say, its not working and too much stress for everyone including the two kids.

Don't say your son is partially to blame in any way. I'd say "It's better if we leave it for now because Colin upsets my son quite a lot and he (my son) has said he doesn't want to go any more if Colin is there as he's always horrible to him. I'm sure Colin will grow out of it but for now let's leave it."

Hi,

Wanted to give you plenty of advance notice on this one, but don’t think that will work to keep taking Colin to the activity next term. As you’ve probably noticed, the boys can really wind each other up sometimes and it seems to be particularly bad when they’re tired after school. DS has ended up in tears several times recently which isn’t fun for anyone. Think they’re better off with a bit of space between each other.

I agree with PP. You need to be direct and honest. And need to get past that uncomfortable feeling of letting someone down or annoying them. We can't get through life without sometimes letting people down or annoying them. And you don't have to feel guilty for realising that this generous offer you made has gone on long enough and is now draining you.

Just say you can't take Colin any more. If they ask why, say the boys are not getting on and it's become very draining. That's the truth. They can't argue with that.

I really think you should be honest about his behaviour and include specifics. This week you could send "Hi, I've held off on sending this but I need to tell you I won't be able to give Colin a lift to X anymore. The boys have been winding each other up and I've noticed Colin said Y to me and Z to sons name. It's becoming not very fun for anyone with the atmosphere in the car and I think I need to give DS a break."