New Friend Ruining Daughter’s Social Life

[Everythingputtogether]

Hello all - I’m seeking a little parenting advice from a female perspective as a single father with two daughters.

My eldest, 8, has always been super sociable with loads of friends, and sending her to school has never been a worry - she’s loved going as it’s been an opportunity to play with all her mates. She’s pretty much continually had a tight-knit group of about six close friends but also plays with others from time to time. And she has a ‘number one BFF’ she’s been close to from day one of reception.

In the last two or three months, though, things have changed, and it seems to be to do with a girl, P, who had never previously been somebody my daughter was friendly with, somehow inveigling herself in the friendship group. P is it seems very manipulative and has this way of setting people against each other, so that ever since she’s been on the scene there have been lots of fights and arguments, and the thing to do is for girls to pair up and have a ‘day together’ and not play with anyone else. So it seems as though each morning there’s a competition to decide who is having a ‘day with’ who. And my daughter very often has to end up playing with P, who insists often that it’s the two of them who are having a ‘day together’. (And, reading between the lines, I have a feeling the other girls use having a ‘day with’ somebody else as a way to avoid having to play with P.)

My daughter hates this. She desperately just wants her group of friends to play together, and she increasingly has made clear she doesn’t like P and doesn’t really want to play with her. But she doesn’t know what to do because she doesn’t want to hurt P’s feelings and is scared she’ll get in trouble if she tells P she doesn’t want to play with her. Now she’s worried she’s losing her other friends and that her BFF isn’t her BFF anymore. She was up until past 10pm last night crying about it. I’ve talked to the teacher and she’s said she’s keeping an eye on things, but I was wondering if anyone has dealt with this kind of situation and has advice what to do about it?

Are there extracurricular activities at school at lunchtime she could join in with? Could a teacher /TA find her a 'job'?

Other than that I think it's an opportunity to teach 'don't set yourself on fire trying to make someone else happy' or whatever the phrase is. Yes, she's got to interact with P at school for a chunk of time but it's still ok for her to be assertive and say 'I'd like to do x'.

My daughter is the same age, we have also struggled this year a lot with friendships. I can really emphasise with how you are feeling, and how your daughter is feeling. We have experienced some similar situations to what you have described and some maybe slightly more bullying behaviours from "friends" We have been back and forth with the school, and to be honest nothing much worked there until I really put my foot down and asked for them to be fully separated, this was a last resort but I had to put my daughters mental health first, she was refusing to go into school by this point. It has since improved, but obviously there was a bit of fall out from this decision which we have dealt with.

The other things we have done are really keep the communication open, talk daily about it and try to be really encouraging and positive when she has said no, advocated for herself and stuck to her boundaries, my daughter found it really hard to do those things.

I would take a Google and look up healthy friendships for kids, there's lots of information on line that is aimed at children to help them understand how friendships should look and feel. Talk about those things with her, use her friends as examples when you talk about it to demonstrate where things are good and not so good. build her confidence, help her to set boundaries and advocate for herself.

As others have said, also if you can manage the odd play dates with friends she feels good around do that. Good luck 🤞🏼

I would also take heart that your DD has good Spidey sense about people, but also is considerate of others.

Can you speak to your dd about why its importwnt to not hurt Ps feelings but unimportant that HER feelings are hurt.

This could be a good learning curve about how to be firm but polite in your preferences.

So something like.

no thanks P were playing as a group today
You can play too.

As that way if Ps feelings are hurt your dd has shiwn a different way to join in and it is down to P to deal with her preferences.

Oh boy, she’s only 8. Let me tell you, it gets worse. Best thing you can do is teach her to create healthy boundaries. “I don’t want to play with you today” or “I don’t want to do that.” And repeat. Make sure she knows to tell a grown up if there is bullying or any aggression. Make sure she is also not taking part in any bullying against this girl either. Teach her to encourage the others to just walk away if they feel uncomfortable, but to include her when they can.

And if you want to encourage friendships to continue, invite her friends over regularly to give them time out of school together. The reality is that friendships shift around a lot from here until into secondary school. My dd has best friends she doesn’t even speak to anymore a few years later. Not because there was a falling out or anyone is horrible. They just ended up in totally new groups with totally new best friends. It happens. As time goes on though, kids and parents both work out who is an absolute PITA. As long as she’s kind and you build up her resilience for these sorts of things, she’ll be fine and have lovely friends.

Thanks so much to everybody for all the great and supportive advice, here. I got something useful out of every comment - so, thank you.

This morning I suggested to my daughter that she tell her best friend, I, how she feels and it seems she did. Just before going to bed she told me that she had told I and that the two of them had helped each other not have to play with just P. I taught her the phrase 'a problem shared is a problem halved'.

She also has said that she feels a bit more confident about speaking her mind about what she wants. We'll see how that goes but she does seem to have taken that idea on board.

I also spoke to the teacher and was gratified that she spent the lunch break keeping an eye on the group and told my daughter that if she is ever feeling forced to play with P, she should just tell her (the teacher) and she'll step in.

So, a big relief. Hopefully things will be a bit calmer now until the next bit of drama....

Yes agree with role playing.
I did this with my dd when she had a coercive friendship in primary.
teachers were slow to do anything until we were consistently raising it.

Explain that you understand that your dd doesn’t want to hurt Ps feelings but that her feelings are important too.

Would she make friends/ play with other children instead of being stuck with P?

That’s a good update op.

Excuse me? “Odd kid” perhaps the “odd kid” is on the spectrum.
a teacher said this about my autistic daughter when she was 5.
Yourw blaming a child, and let’s remember here despite her being bigger than the other kids, her brain is still a child’s brain.
I hope you your kid hasn’t heard you slag the little girl off.

The problem is though that the other girls seem to be on board with the pairing up thing.

I'm so glad your problem is solved but I'd want to be mindful they aren't ostracising P too. Ultimately it's for your DD's own good that she learns to be inclusive because in today's young adult and adult environments, it doesn't pay to be cliquey and ostracise others. She doesn't have to set herself on fire to keep others happy as someone else mentioned, but maybe have a word with her or the teacher about playing as a whole group. Well done on handling this so far

The little girl you blame is also 8. The hostile way you describe her is a bit odd; joining in with a group isn't "inveigling" her way in, it's just a child being with her classmates at playtime. If your own little girl doesn't want to play with someone one to one, she can learn friendly assertive messages such as "I like playing with everyone" rather than the hurtful "I don't want to play with you".
It's hard not being able to make a child's social life endlessly happy for them, but no parent can do that. Neither you nor poor P's.

Every eight year old goes through this developmental phase. It's when kids stop playing in groups and start pairing off. It's also when groups tend to start being single gender. It's an important separation because the next stage is developing romantic relationships! (Don't worry, there's a whole stage of not liking the opposite gender much first).

Your story rang alarm bells because this happened to mine. Ten years later and they still have the neck injury that their "friend P" caused by pushing them violently under a table in a restaurant on their birthday. It took a lot of strength for the friendships to exclude P. It did happen but I think it took the neck injury for them to realise they didn't want to be friends and for the teacher to take it seriously. Maybe organise something for just DD and BFF(s) like a swimming trip or a visit to the cinema?

Yep, perhaps she is but this doesn't mean other parents should just let the status quo continue and allow their own kids to be bullied/upset/scared! It's in any child's own best interests, neurodiverse or not, to learn the basic rules of group interaction in the society we live in. No-one is suggesting the OP teaches his child to be a bully in return or to be nasty to P, but for God's sake can we stop asking people to set everyone else on fire just in case one child may, perhaps, possibly have a problem!

And before you jump, I say this as someone diagnosed with and medicated for ADHD who has had to learn how to fit in and as the mother of an ADHD diagnosed daughter, to whom I've also had to explain how these things work and explain how certain behaviours of her own may make it difficult for her friends to engage with her!

Then you’ll understand neurodivergent people are on a spectrum, and not one the same as the other.

And I’m sure you’d have a problem with some dad bitching about your child calling her odd.

But that doesn't make any difference to this father trying to look after his child.

If her behaviour is odd and she's upsetting other children then I would like to be told.

But the kids parents aren’t being told are they? nope, she’s just been blasted all over mumsnet for being bigger and weirder than the average 8 year old. And they say kids are the cruel ones 🤔

She's not what this thread is about. Whether she is neurodiverse or not, other parents are allowed to be upset and want to fix the problem if she or someone else is upsetting their own children. Again, no-one is suggesting doing anything bad to this child. If you are her mother, maybe go on one of the specialised boards to talk about this if you think it's the issue. Parents are allowed to look out for their own children.

Er, you do understand the child isn't reading this thread, and that all of this is anonymous? What on earth is wrong with me describing her as 'odd' here when, a) she is, and b) there is absolutely no chance of her or anyone in her family ever reading this thread or knowing that I am talking about her?

I feel sorry for P, not because she's autistic (she isn't) but because she's been badly brought up - this is plainly evident from her behaviour and because of the way she is parented. I see her interactions with the children around her all the time (at school pick-up, at birthday parties, at sleepovers, etc.) and I know what the score is. You are bringing your own baggage to the discussion - it isn't necessary.

Well said

Are you able to organise the odd outing or play after school or in the holidays with yours and some other children, not including P?

It probably sounds odd, but it will demonstrate to your daughter that you understand her predicament and support her, and allows her to make friends outside school.

Just a thought.

I think to be ‘blasted’ he’d have had to post her full name, so don’t worry, he didn’t.

You’re fine, it’s a normal thing to want to talk about, you didn’t put her ‘on blast’ at all. In fact you’re being quite cautious having the conversation anonymously vs with the other parents in the group.