Falling asleep during breastfeeding, worried about SIDS

[Caipulli]

My 11 week old baby feeds at around midnight, 3am and 5/6am and will only fall asleep in my arms.
i have a next to me crib but i can’t put her in it immediately after feeding as she isn’t in a deep enough sleep and wakes up instantly, so i keep her in my arms until I’m sure she is sleeping soundly. This can take 30 to 40 minutes after the feed.
However, as the title says, I have fallen asleep a few times and woken up with a jolt with her still in my arms.
I am propped up with a big long nursing cushion on either side of my arms and pillow behind my back so I probably wouldn’t fall or roll over but I’m still worried about SIDS.
I’ve tried making a smoother transition to the crib so I can do it earlier - keeping my weight on her for the first few minutes, hot water bottle etc but it doesn’t work.
Any advice or reassurance please? Thank you!

It's worth looking at the safe sleep seven here: llli.org/news/the-safe-sleep-seven/

I had this problem when my DD kept waking up every hour to nurse. Around 4 months old, she just refused to sleep in her crib at all. Like, screaming til she vomited kind of upset any time I put her in the crib. So I brought her onto the mattress pad I had put on the floor of the nursery for me to sleep on (instead of walking up and down the hall all night) and nursed her while lying down. We started sleeping like that. (DD on her back. No blankets or pillows, of course.) It got to the point where I barely woke up to pop a nipple in her mouth each time she started to fuss. Nights (and days!) became SO much easier, and it felt safer than falling asleep while nursing her in the glider.

They say that bedsharing is dangerous, but I’m not convinced (though I wouldn’t do it with a newborn). I was definitely aware of where she was in the bed at all times, even when I was asleep. I think our bodies are programmed to know, and you go into this position on your side with your knees bent that makes it virtually impossible to roll on top of the baby, if you’re breastfeeding, and baby keeps his/her face near your breasts.

Heres a website that goes into depth about it, and talks about all the stats, risk factors, risk mitigation, etc. https://llli.org/news/the-safe-sleep-seven/?fbclid=IwY2xjawKSGwdleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHieWzImPKEJfERPRHMae2Kupn1_hjcOPlOqvcbwvBvQm3r83dxPQZzOEI-SE_aem_Q9yqK-jxWHhTC2zwcW_R5g&sfnsn=scwspwa

The art of the transfer!
I read here that research says 5-8 minutes into sleep is the optimum time to transfer, and was surprised to find it worked.
Put them really gently down bum first (again a mumsnet tip that worked) , you can even then go on holding the top half till they settle if needed, then once they’re fully down a hand back on them if needed till they settle.
Having a blanket wrapped round them like a sausage roll so they feel held helped too if the weather permits.
A consistent environment before and after transfer eg dark room/red nightlight at nighttime, maybe white noise or music, so once they’re down everything feels like it did while they were being held.
It’s a pain to learn what works for yours, especially when every failed attempt means another feed back to sleep, but it soon pays off once you get it working. And by the time you’ve mastered it you’ll have great transferable skills for the bomb squad. Good luck.

Have you tried feeding lying down?

Can you pass to DH to settle? That’s how we split it when I was exhausted- with my first I thought breastfeeding meant doing it all but with my second, DH would get him out of the crib, do any nappy changes and then take him when finished.

Yes safe bedsharing is your friend here.

As well as the links pp have posted, have a look at Happy CoSleeper on Instagram. She has lots of safe co-sleeping tips including lying down breastfeeding.

Definitely look at cosleeping in your bed. I know you've probably ruled it out, as I did, but sleep deprivation is real and falling asleep with baby in your arms is very unsafe. If done correctly cosleep is very safe and good for you both. Keep trying the cot as she will go in eventually, but for now this is my recommendation

I had absolutely the same problem. My little one would feed every 2/3 hours in the night and I was so unbelievably sleep deprived. I would wake up in a panic hoping that she had not fallen into the pillow or head down, it was very scary. I think I watched lots of mums and Doctors talking about safe cosleeping and I eventually removed all the pillows from my bed (apart from DH) and gave my husband a single duvet instead of our king, I dressed up warm and I fed her lying down. Night time was so much better after that. She could just feed when she wanted.

If you're not willing to consider bed sharing (total lifesaver for me!!) then I would also recommend playing on your phone/watching telly during feeds to keep you a bit awake. I watched about 14h of netflix a day when my PFB was tiny to keep me awake during all the exhaustion and feeds.

Learn to feed lying down. Latch baby on,go back to sleep. It's a life saver.
You position your arm in such a way that it is not possible to roll over on to them.

If they need the other breast they will let you know, you swap sides, and go back to sleep.

I was the same if I fed either of my children in bed when they were tiny. I got around it by feeding them in an armchair with a low light on in the background.

I used to express so that I could split the nights with DH though, and rarely ever actually went to sleep until I was 'off shift'. I'm pretty risk averse/anxious in general so this worked for me (I couldn't have coped with the nightly worry about SIDs). If you're less of a worrier, you could look up safe sleep guidelines and choose to bed share. I think this would be safer than falling asleep with pillows and blankets around you.

Another vote for side lying feeding and bed sharing. I chest slept with my son for the first 3 months of his life. It was the only way either of us would get any sleep. Removed all bedding & just propped myself up with pillows so I was at a 45 degree angle and baby slept vertically on my chest. It’s not what I set out to do but it saved my sanity in those early months while hubbie was with our oldest. Happy cosleeper on instagram has a post on this, but side lying would be my preference long term. Stop trying to transfer baby back into cot & do whatever gets you the most sleep! Babies hate being on their own during the day, that doesn’t change at night

https://www.instagram.com/p/DD7L-2lt0rh/?igsh=YXN3eHN4cDA2eDdp

Yes, learn to feed side lying! It will absolutely help you so much OP, I did it with my first and finally started to sleep again. I feel your pain though. Mine is four months now and we're going through the same thing except I no longer have the space to do this as first child's bed is where we used to co sleep and I wouldn't feel comfortable with baby in bed with my husband as he's a deep sleeper

Learn to feed lying down, and set it up as a sage sleeping space. That way if you're awake to transfer awesome, if not at least baby is as safe as possible. We've all been there!

At 3 weeks my daughter was taking an hour to be asleep enough to be put in the cot we later found it was due to severe silent reflux. I was at risk of accidentally cosleeping/bed sharing so we made the decision to deliberately bed share so that we could ensure that if I did fall asleep whilst holding her she was safe.
It's worth considering silent reflux if you are really struggling to get her to settle lying down after a feed.

Cosleep and do side lying feeding. I did the majority of my night feeds at least 50% asleep. Every now and then I'd switch sides so they could have the other boob.

Yeah this is what I did before I eventually coslept. Found a good series and stocked up on snacks and drinks for the night

It's very dangerous to fall asleep with the baby in your arms. I looked at my phone during nightdress so the blue light kept me awake. I also breastfed lying down with all safer co-sleeping rules covered so if I fell asleep we were in a safe position.

better to plan to co sleep safely than do it accidentally.

one of mine was a crap sleeper. After I’d fallen asleep sat up nursing I switched to co sleeping and life was immeasurably better.

Thanks for all the responses, I will look into the safe co sleeping rules but also try putting her down in her cot bun first after about eight minutes!

Is the only way to safely co sleep by removing all bedding and pillows and kicking my partner out of the bed though? I’m not sure I could actually fall asleep without a pillow…and not sure how happy my other half would be about sleeping on the sofa!

Also the guidelines mention the importance of a smoke free environment… my partner will smoke one or two rollies in the evening now and again, always outside the apartment, but could the smell/traces on his hair and skin afterwards be dangerous?

Id say no pillows or blankets to be safe, and you can sleep in between baby and DP so he can’t roll on her.

Have DP quit smoking immediately, and shower before bed until he has.

Definitely remove bedding and pillows, or at least just keep them away from your side. I wear my dressing gown. Or do you have a spare room you could put a bed in at all? I just bought a single bed for ours, still use it sometimes now if babys struggling, he's 9 months now

Yes residual smoke can still be dangerous and increase SIDs risk, he should stop smoking ideally.

If you want to co sleep then remove pillows and duvet and have baby sleep away from DH. If not, and co sleeping isn’t for everyone, then you need to find a way to stay awake when holding baby. I used to play games or watch videos on my phone to stay awake.