ADHD daughter - Time blindness and lateness- Need help!!

[WhyDontZebrasGetUlcers]

For those parenting ADHD children what strategies have you found to help with time blindness. My 13 year old daughter just cannot manage time and is constantly late. I have sat down with her to talk through possible solutions but nothing works and its causing huge friction between us. I have tried different types of prompts (verbal /visual). Setting things out in advance to aid organisation. Setting a frame for her in terms of what things need to be actioned by what time in order to keep her on track (e.g brushing teeth, getting dressed). I am trying not to micro manage as she then feels pressured by me and it ends up in a big stressful argument. I am finding it so unbelievably stressful as I'm a single parent with 2 other younger children. One of whom also has ADHD but because he's not as oppositional or defiant I can generally manage his getting ready in a slightly more effective way.

If I just leave her to it she's massively late for school etc and consequences make no difference to her. She doesn't learn from this like a neuro typical child might. All it does is create more upset, dysregulation and chaos. Requiring more energy from me (e.g where she's forgotten lunch card, school ipad etc).

She makes the rest of us late for school/work and I am literally tearing my hair out and want to cry from pure frustration.

I would be so grateful for any advice please.

I cannot tell you how helpful these suggestions are.thank you so much. With half-term next week I'll have some space to review everything and think about how best to move forward. All these comments have really helped thank you.

I set alarm every 5-10 minutes to keep me on track or listen to a podcast for the length of time I have.

e.g first alarm up, second alarm I need to be out the shower, next alarm makeup done, next clothes on, next downstairs getting bag shoes on etc, last one out the door. Seems micromanagey but I need it and it works for me. 5 minutes and 20 minutes would feel the same to me if I didn’t have a ‘prompt’. I also always wash and dry hair in the evenings as would never get it fine in the morning.

The podcast one is good too but I use it more for when time is less pressing. So when I need to be ready by a time but there’s more flexibility.

I should also say that my ADHD 10 yr old doesn't wake to an alarm, she just sleeps through them. I stay in her room for 15 mins shaking her every 5 mins, and have to make sure her eyes are open and she's talking to me before I leave. The sloth wakes the neanderthal in this household.

She watches her tablet for 10 mins, and during her morning routine, which sometimes distract, but also give her the dopamine hit and micro rewards. She has timers set for her morning routine. 7.30 bathroom, 7.45 do teeth, 8:00 if you aren't dressed, get on with it, 8:10 hair. 8:20get in the car. Breakfast is eaten in the car, it's a 20 min drive to school and she saw that as wasted time...so started asking for takeaway breakfasts. (country bumpkins with a railway crossing to swear at).

She knows the behaviours each timer is expecting, and tries to do them in the time slot. It's in her control, she's expected to manage her own mornings once she's awake.

Interestingly, she's been a lot less anxious over things since we started explaining what ADHD is, and since I got my diagnosis. We now take the Mick out of each other. 'Where are me keys?" "Here mum, ADHD brain playing tricks again?" "Yeah".

I mentioned micro rewards...best tip ever...life is about scoring the next dopamine hit, so treat everything as a reward...finishing writing that email warrants a fresh coffee. Get through that meeting warrants giving myself time for a loo stop, finishing a section of a report warrants a biscuit from the snack table. Consciously making normal things rewards for getting through a task you don't want to do. I'm my daughters case, she does an item from her morning routine, then watches tablet till the next timer goes off. It works for her! Mummy hugs make great micro rewards too. Maybe your eldest is too old though... you're probably edging into the "you're embarrassing" part of parenting.

I have ADHD sbd I have the same. What really interferes with my routine is someone being helpful ... Have you got your phone? Have you got your keys?

I have a mental checklist and routine. My getting my phone and keys are some of the last things I get so if I'm reminded I will get those at the exclusion of doing the other things and then Iay remember them and it throws the schedule out
When I was younger written checklists in the bathroom helped .. shower , deodorant hairdryer, makeup
Then one in the kitchen
Eat breakfast
Bowl in dishwasher etc
Then one by the door
Bag
Homework
Phone
Keys etc

Completely sympathize - I can't give 'teen-advice' as mine are not there yet, but DD is 8 and her ADHD has in all honesty wreaked havoc on both family and marital life these past six years...😣

Understanding Girls with ADHD - great book by Kathleen Nadeau, Ellen Littman, and Patricia Quinn.
Helped me and DW to better understand and deal with it

I also found https://adhd-women.eu/ has some supportive info and links to books, vids etc that may help.

But everything you've written - the time-blindness, over defiance, chaos-mongering, etc. just sounds utterly familiar...

Watching with interest as nothing worked for mine - not even meds - which did help in other ways! It just got progressively worse and when she finished A levels we were all relieved to have bid goodbye to the time and attendance wars with school. She had become progressively defiant and refused consequences of being late/disorganised. At one point I thought she might get expelled but her grades kept her in. God knows how she will manage Uni and work! 🤯