Teenager finds it very hard to hear no

[Creesla]

We have four kids, our oldest is 17. In general, she is a great, responsible kid. She is in school, due to do her Leaving Cert (Irish A Levels) next year. So we are relaxed outside school term about her socialising but during school term, she is welcome to have friends over anytime, we have a separate part of house which is their space -she can call out to friends, but no pubs/house parties. Halloween, Xmas, New Years, mid term, Easter, she can head to house party/pub.

This is mainly as we don't want her social life planned solely around the pub at 17. But also we are both hard workers, who have a strong work ethics and always just say the few months in school are for buckling down. Don't care about results but want to raise kids who put in effort and graft.

Anyway, we have kept our part of the deal and made sure she got her nights out during school breaks. She hasnt given school work much attention - her grades dropped over year, and teachers told her to buckle down. She has a brilliant summer planned ahead, nights out and festivals and we are sending her to Irish college which she absolutely loves for 3 weeks.

Our issue seems minor but it is head wrecking. She continuously begs to go events during school term, despite us being very clear and not budging. It feels like a never ending loop. The latest is she wants to go to a work party tomorrow on a Monday night the week before her summer tests. She has easily asked about ten times and it is beyond frustrating to have to keep repeating ourselves. This is same pattern on anything she ever gets a no to, big or small. She also gets a lot, is privileged in so many ways. I felt sorry for her dad who has been up at 5am this week for work, working late, and when he went to collect her from work at 11pm last night, he was instantly met with nagging about going out despite this being discussed endless times.

There is absolutely no way we can ever give into her as if she ever thought nagging would work, it would never stop!!

And yes I know it is normal & very tame teenage behaviour but just looking for solutions as we start to dread the repeat discussion with her, which almost makes us avoid her. We are also tired parents of four kids so any solutions/advice/perspective welcome.

Thanks for this. We have pretty much taken a similar approach. She has an 11pm curfew during school term but would want to be in pub/club/house party until 2am - she doesn't want to go if collected earlier!!

Should she be working during term time for 5th year/leaving cert?

You don’t say how many hours she has so probably dependent on this, but I think I might be cutting back on this for LC year anyway.

I do think she should be let socialise on a Friday or Sat night, but I do understand you don’t want her at rough pubs etc which is a different issue really.

Your updates put a different complexion on the matter. So she is allowed out but wants to be picked up by you at 2am on a Monday night? You are absolutely fair enough to say no to that.

I do have some sympathy for teens living rurally with no public transport options, it's a bit shit for them, but as long as you are facilitating her social life part of the time that sounds fair.

Just ignore the nagging. If she needs lifts from you to go out she can't force you to give them however much she nags.

Is she learning to drive then she wouldn't be relying on you to pick her up.

I think you should let her be more free.

At 17, I had had sex, boyfriends, dabbled in class c drugs, got ridiculously drunk, went clubbing and still managed to graft, work hard, get good grades, went to uni and now, I'm a married mum, and have a decent full career I'm happy in.

I loved being 17! Driving lessons, getting pissed, working, college, friends, boyfriends it was all such fun.

Limiting the fun is such a shame, you can't do all that stuff in your thirties. You are either a grafter or not and you will either get on with your parents or rebel against them.

Thank you for the clarification, @Creesla, that’s a lot less draconian than it sounded in your first post.
good luck with your DD, she sounds great BTW, totally normal to want to go out with mates and push the parental boundaries but obvs she also has to keep within the law on drinking in pubs.