Helping daughter to accept new relationship

[CRosa]

I have been with my partner for 2 years. Someday I would like him to move in but not until my daughter feels content with it. She is 10. She has bonded well with him but when he is here for long periods of time she gets a bit agitated. I think she just likes me all to herself. She doesn’t hate him but I think the change would be a lot for her to handle. She is a worrier and would be anxious abiut change. Any tips regarding this. My youngest has no worries or issues. She is very close to him.

Can he not just stay living separately?

My tip would be not to move him in for a long time yet...

I wouldn’t contemplate moving him in.

Don’t move him in until she’s comfortable

Non related males living in the house are the greatest risk to girls. I won't move anyone in until they are adults.

If you’re going to do it sooner is better. Teen years are generally a bad time. Make sure you do a lot of things just you and her/ both the children.

It sounds like she has accepted your new relationship - she just doesn’t want someone else living in her house who she isn’t related to or who she didn’t choose herself. That seems reasonable. If she ever gets to the point that she’s ok with him moving in then go for it, but otherwise there’s no need for him to live there permanently.

Remember to listen to your daughters instincts. She maybe feeling uncomfortable but can't articulate.

Don't assume if one children is comfortable the oldest one should be as well.

I feel sorry for your daughter. She gets agitated? That is sad.

Why not keep the relationship as a non-living together one? Keep it fresh and romantic. And away from the kids!

Look after your daughter's happiness and feeling - she is powerless in all this. When she is older she will look back and know that you looked after her.

Just don’t move in together yet. If you know it’s going to cause your daughter to feel anxious in her own home, there are no ‘tips’ you can utilise to make it an ok thing to do to her.

The tip is to wait.

Agree with most of the posters above... don't move him in if she isn't comfortable.

Mumsnet is full of people saying LTB who also say you can never move anyone in without having direct experience of single parenting with the loneliness and hardship it can entail. The agitation observation is important and interesting to explore though- she already has to "share" you with a sibling so what's the difference here? My "tip" would be conversation but without your daughter feeling she has the responsibility to say yes or no- just an exploration of what might be different, what would be good differences and what would be tricky differences. Good luck x

You can’t make her be ready quicker or ever. It sounds like she’s ok with him being there for short periods, so enjoy those visits and additional ones if she sees her other parent.

children’s in blended families become the ultimate people pleasers telling parents what they think they want to hear. Her entire home life would change if he moves in, all of a sudden she has to be guarded in her home.

I think she just likes me all to herself.

I would reframe this in case you become bitter about your daughter very reasonably finding it exhausting having a man not in her family constantly in her private space.

Your daughter’s right to feel comfortable and safe in her own home is paramount. She only gets one childhood and making sure she has a happy and relaxed safe haven of a home will do her so much good. Please don’t jeopardise that for the sake of your desire to live with your boyfriend. That can wait until she is old enough to move out.

I got on well with my Mum's partner. Until he moved in. Then his wants and needs become the household rules. It was absolutely horrible, and the friendly familiarity went out the window within weeks. And all of this in the home that Mum owned and he'd moved into.... I left home the week after my 18th birthday.

This must be hard to hear OP, but your DD is telling you loud and clear that she's not comfortable when he's there for extended periods of time. LIsten to her before you risk losing her forever. She gets one childhood. You have the rest of your life to live with this man.

Ew. Imagine being a teenage girl and having your mums random boyfriend living in your house.

Dont do that to her.

This, 100%

If she’s not comfortable you don’t move him in, at all. It’s that simple. (And I say that as someone who has remarried, dd was 5 when she met now dh and we’ve between together 16 years now, but if she hadn’t felt okay with him living with us it wouldn’t have happened).

I have both negative and positive views on this. In my childhood my mum moved her boyfriend in when I was 13 and it was awful. He had stupid rules and wanted us not to touch his food, let him watch what he wanted on TV and once had an absolute fit because he saw a bit of blood on a used sanitary towel in the bin. Like pp I moved out at 16/17 because of this. I then found myself in a similar situation albeit my son was much younger, and as a single mother at 38 I did remarry and we all live together. I have been clear from day one with my husband that my son takes priority and that any rules or ideas about parenting that he has have to be discussed. To be fair to him he has been the most respectful and kind stepfather that anyone could be. But even 6 years down the line I am wary of my son ever feeling uncomfortable or unhappy with his presence

Stop trying to force her to accept it. She chooses whether she accepts him or not.
Don’t move him in.

Move him in in 8 years time. Until then, live separately. Don't sacrifice your daughter for the sake of your sex life.

Just don't move him in.

How do you know what experience people are talking from? I've been a single parent for years and I won't be getting into a relationship and certainly not moving any men in while my daughter lives here. It's her home too and she deserves not to have strange men living in it.