Four year old - do I really have to resort to reins?

[summerm]

I’ve done a search for similar issues and reins seem to be the favoured option. I’m reluctant to go down that road though - will explain why in more detail below.

DS is four and a half, starts school September. He’s reasonably sensible, doesn’t run off or go into roads or anything like that. But he does have an infuriating habit of just vanishing. Today for example, we’re at a small museum and he goes onto the next floor without asking / telling me - just goes. On the way out he went charging ahead of me and outside - I’m sure he wouldn’t have gone onto the road but he goes out of sight and while I realise it’s unlikely someone could snatch him in those moments.

I can keep up if it’s just us but I have a younger child and that slows me down.

I really, really don’t want to resort to reins. I am worried that he’ll never learn to stay near me then, and he can’t wear them forever. I also feel like I do want him to have a reasonable amount of freedom, like at the museum I don’t need him glued to my side but he just doesn’t seem to get ‘stay in sight.’ Like when getting into the car - I put my younger one in first, I’ll tell him ‘stand there still’ and he just ignores me and wanders to the side of the car where I can’t see him. Reins wouldn’t work in that instance as I don’t want to be yanking him around with me. And I do feel they are for much younger children.

I guess I’m looking for tips on how to get him to listen a bit better. I’ve tried to drum it into him that it can be dangerous but he just doesn’t really pay attention.

Get a wrist strap. Maybe go out with a family with a child similar age. He might be embarrassed to wear it. There's your leverage. Someone could easily snatch him. We've just had a letter about a year 5 child being offered sweets by a guy at the school near us. He's being naughty.

I always get older one in first. If we have a wide space he opens the door himself and gets in, shuts door and does seatbelt. Much easier than keeping an eye on him while putting younger child in.

I have always said to my "stay where you can see me" I think that's easier for them to understand than "stay where I can see you" it takes them a while to develop the theory of mind to see what others can see.

I think while you know it's a problem you almost need to go out with the intention of training him on this. So just spend the time watching him and if he starts to drift away give him a reminder until he starts to realise himself.

My 4.5 year old was like this. No solutions I'm afraid. I didn't want a Tether, too old and needed independence. I think it was boudary pushing, eg hiding just round a hedge. Sometimes though she just didn't get being within sight. Now, she's 6 I love going to places where she can run round freely with her friends in a safe environment, just coming back to check on me occasionally.

One of mine was a bit like this. First of all, he should be last out of the car and first in. I always would tell him "we are going to the museum. I need you to stay with me the whole time. If you wander off, we will have to go home" and then follow through on that. It's so stressful having a child who just zooms off while trying to watch a younger one as well.

Both my ds were goofballs and got over excited until about 5. I'd use a wrist strap.

This. It won't be forever.

I had a runner who refused to move with reigns/removed the wrist strap - her car seat had to be passenger side and baby had to be drivers as it was safer for her, she also had to put in the car first while little one waited. Baby was in a front pack most of the time as it was easier to manage her when I didn’t also have a pram. Unfortunately it did also make our world a bit smaller when dad wasn’t there, we could only go places I knew I could keep her safe with the baby as well.

Jamie Bulger
I would use a wrist strap when you have both dc. If you can take him out alone then try no wrist strap and have consequences for disappearing and praise for staying close.
Jamie Bulger’s mum did nothing wrong yet she and her child suffered beyond measure.

I see others saying he is just being naughty. Yes he is. But he also isn’t safe. So just set yourself up success and don’t take him places where he has the opportunity to not be safe. My two struggle with behaviour at dinners out for examples so we just don’t do that at the moment. At times it’s annoying to people that we won’t go out for dinner at a restaurant on a Friday night but I can guarantee they would be 100% more annoyed at my kids melting down because they’ve had a full day at school plus gymnastics and they are tired and hungry.

If he can't stay near you by himself then you need to stop going to busy places unless there is someone he can hold the hand of until he is old enough to be able to follow the rule of staying by you to stay safe.

Mumsnet bingo but I would keep an eye out for possible ADHD as he gets older, just in case he needs extra support.

My son was like this at your sons age , he had a habit of running off in the park, or the supermarket for example. I chose not to use reins , but I didn't have a younger child to contend with either so i could move fast when i needed to! It drove me mad, but thankfully he grow out of it at around 5. He had consequences when he did it too.

The answer is to use reins as a consequence, not as a general rule. So you go out without them, but if he goes out of sight without telling you, he has to wear them for the next 10 mins (or whatever).

If he won’t hold your hand or the pram. Then reins or wrist strap until he learns.
My first child just walked next to me and never went far, my second one was a nightmare! He did learn eventually as he hated the reins. So after a while I just used them as a threat! He knew I had them in my bag and would get them out so stayed nearby.

Go over the rules before you go anywhere and decide on consequence's and stick to them.

Get him to get in the car first? Even if he can't do his own belt, he can sit in his seat while you are sorting the younger one out.