My four year old is aggressive and mean

[myangrychild]

That isn’t all he is; he can be lovely but increasingly I’m having to acknowledge to myself that this is a side of his personality and I am worried.

To give a full picture, he attends nursery for three days a week and they have no concerns at all. I’ve asked outright if they think there is any neurodivergence at play and they have said no; I’d agree with that. He has a lot of friends at nursery, gets invited to parties and children came to his. If we see children from nursery out and about they seem pleased to see him and respond positively.

But towards me, his sister (22 months) and other children out and about his behaviour can be really angry and mean. He gets very aggressive with me in particular, his face turning red and almost growling at me sometimes. This will be in response to really calm requests / instructions like going to the toilet or having a drink. Mostly the toilet. Potty training was a long struggle and he still has accidents now, mostly to be honest because he’s lazy and doesn’t bother to go.

His listening skills are just … terrible to be honest. It’s not hearing although he’s had a lot of problems with his ears so they’ve been extensively tested. But I’ll call his name and it’s like no one has spoken, he’s oblivious to me, it’s like the birds in the trees or traffic going by. A few days ago we were at the park and I said to him to stay in the playground and we’d go to the big slide later. Then he starts running towards the big slide. I’m calling his name to come back and he completely blanks me. It’s unbelievably frustrating.

He pushes and kicks other children in these sorts of environments. Not consistently but it has happened three times recently I can think of. Yesterday he shoved a little girl for absolutely no reason. When I pull him up he starts crying hysterically and claiming something like he’s hurt his finger which means any sort of restorative action is hard as he’s yelling the place down.

I’ve tried reading about it and a lot of books seem to assume you can have a conversation with the child which I can’t. He doesn’t seem to care about any consequence, or rather he does care but doesn’t stop him repeating the behaviour in future. And also I do have another child and I know it will be detrimental to their relationship as siblings if she’s constantly being taken away from nice activities because of his behaviour. He can be unkind to her as well, pushing her and kicking and slapping her when he thinks I’m not looking.

The fact none of this happens at nursery does make me concerned that he’s unhappy with me and it’s coming out like this. It also makes me feel powerless as a parent.

I have tried to have time with just him to try and improve our relationship as I do feel I’m just constantly telling him off. I’m also wondering if it’s just boredom, that he needs to be at school and / or I need to increase his time at nursery, but I’m not sure I can afford that. Or is it just a waiting game until he starts school in September? He finishes nursery at the end of July but August shouldn’t be too bad as his sister still goes three days a week and behaviour is much easier to manage one to one.

I don’t have much on way of advice as this sounds really hard, but I was going to suggest Janet Lansbury as well. What she says makes a lot of sense and a lot of people misunderstand what gentle parenting actually is. It’s not letting your child get anyway with murder and not having boundaries. It’s acknowledging their feelings but having very consistent boundaries. Stuff like, if he’s standing in front of the TV and ignoring requests to move, saying ‘I can see you are enjoying watching TV. But your sister can’t see past you. You are having a hard time listening so I’m going to move you’ then gently but firmly moving him away. Then for the ensuing tantrum, so long as he isn’t hurting anyone, let him get on with it but don’t try to engage with him. Same with hitting, physically move him away if you have to, while acknowledging his feelings ‘I know you wanted that toy, but Jessie had it first. You are having a hard stopping hitting so I’m going to stop you’.
I know that’s only a couple of examples but hopefully an approach like that might help and Janet describes it better than me!

Have you tried giving him time outs or taking things away for bad behaviour and soiling his clothing ?

I wouldn’t advocate to treat children how I was treated by the people who unfortunately raised me - but one non violent punishment I was subjected to for wetting the bed was I had to strip the bed and wash the sheets by hand. I hated it.

He is going to be desperately made fun of and picked on if he wets himself at school. So best to nip it in rear now.

0 tolerance from now on. No excuses, no chances. Aggression results in instant removal from the situation and restraint or quiet time until calm. Nothing fun happens until he acknowledged and talks through it with you or your husband, even if it takes ages and results in plenty of shouting and crying.

Repeat. If that isn't enough escalate to consiquences that will hit home with him. Removal of certain things or activities etc. but not for arbitrary times. Until he can show non aggression.

Also work with husband. Dad's have a huge part in teaching boys to manage their aggression. Do they play fight? If done propperly it is one of the best ways for boys to learn physical limits. They learn what hurts them and how it feels when a bigger man pushes at the edge of what could hurt. And they also learn that if they hurt someone (the dad) playing stops.

This. Stop ‘asking’ him to behave. You firmly hold his hand and remove him. You look stern while doing it and explain simply why. Once he behaves you become smiley chatty mum again.

If he’s hitting other children a firm “NO we do not do that.” I wouldn't care less if he’s wailing the place down. You can’t let that stop you from picking him up and letting him know in your body language that you are not happy and he does not get to do what he likes.

You need to assert yourself as a parent and stop letting the outbursts and push back of a 4 year old guide your parenting.

Be firm stick to what you say/do every single time. Say same thing every single time.
Dont ask tell him then take him.
Ignore screaming sore finger etc till he stops then deal with issue

When DS1 was young we had a reward chart with smiley faces for good behaviour. Unfortunately it also had sad faces for bad behaviour. OMG the meltdowns it caused.

Reward the good and ignore the bad but it sounds like there is more going on here. Autism in my case. It was his way of dealing with crippling anxiety and selective mutism outside the home. It didn’t help that ex kept calling him Kevin as in we need to talk about Kevin. I struggled with keeping my younger son safe when he was dis regulated

It’s a long life. Things are so much better now. Obviously the biggest change was school. Specialist school/He. Ex is gone. We have a calm life. The boys get on and enjoy each others company. They’re adult now. Still autistic but able to deal with a sad face!

Another vote for reading about PDA. It would be very hard to diagnose a 4 year old with PDA as lots of 4 year olds are demand avoidant without having an underlying neurodiversity. But the strategies are very generalisable. They work just as well with my neurotypical kid as they do my neurodiverse kid. Try At Peace Parents if you are on Instagram.

Sorry missed your replies and all the rest!
I'm surprised you are ruling out neurodiversity at this age based on some assumption that he won't get a diagnosis. You need to very much keep it on your radar and also parent him as if he is.
Also you seem keen to label him, you've mentioned lazy and bully already, but he's tiny still! Focus on the behaviour and challenges and ignore any overarching analysis of his character, especially those that put you on opposing sides of a battle.

Trust me that I know what it's like to have major struggles with a child that could start an argument about whether they are starting an argument, and I could do with a magic wand to help. But I have firmly resisted any judgement of his character trying to mostly focus on "we/you are struggling with x" "do you want me to help in X way or do you want X more seconds/minutes"

I know it's early days but there's a reasonable amount of support from the education system but you have to be a massive advocate for your child and take any and all support offered, from informal SEN support all the way through to diagnosis and ehcps (format statement of needs that's legally binding)
Good luck

I came here to say this. Really sounds to me like he’s masking and as soon as he’s home, with you in his safe space, his frustrations are released.

Maybe read up on Pathological Demand Avoidance? My nephew is 8 now and has been diagnosed with this & possibly ADHD too. I know it's not nice to label 4 year olds but everything you described is how my nephew reacts in similar circumstances (but he's calmer/less annoying at home as he's an only child so not jealous of younger siblig etc & gets his own way mostly) My Dsis was v reluctant to get him tested until year2/year 3 when he just couldn't cope at school anymore and got excluded a couple of different times for being violent towards other kids and staff members. I'm not saying your DS has this condition but ways to handle it could be helpful still. My nephew used to randomly hit or shove kids in the park. He's very physical with my 17 yo DS and hates being told what to do. He's much better now tbh but sadly waiting for SEN place at a special school as he's at risk of being permanently excluded from his mainstream yr 3 class and only goes one day a week currently. Has missed a ton of school this year. His junior school are trained in restraint/are allowed to hold the children and that's made it so much worse. He might have a sensory processing disorder too and just can't cope with how busy/noisy school is. Good luck with your DS OP. It's very hard. Honestly I still find spending time with my nephew really hard work and not always that enjoyable tbh.🤷‍♀️ My dsis wishes she'd started down the path of getting hom officially diagnosed earlier. Long waiting times to see Educational Psychologist at school etc &18 month wait for hospital appointment for official diagnosis etc.