Split of childcare whilst on mat leave

[Tiredftmzzz]

I’m a FTM to a 12 week old baby. DH is really good with him but I’m feeling very tired and interested in how others split childcare during maternity leave. Baby is EBF. I genuinely don’t know whether I’ve got things quite good here (as baby is generally very good at night) or if there’s a better way to do things.

Our current set up is as follows during the week:

Daytime: all me as I’m on maternity leave. Baby doesn’t nap during the day unless walking in the pram or held (or sometimes at all - a different problem!)

6.15pm: husband home. Either he cooks dinner, or he dishes it up if I’ve managed to put something in the oven.

7pm: DH usually has baby for c30 mins whilst I tidy up, sort washing, put pyjamas on, clear up kitchen.

7.30pm: I get baby ready for bed. He usually then breastfeeds until c8.30pm before falling asleep.

8.30pm: I pass him to DH and I get ready for bed. DH settles baby in crib. He’s also the “insurance” so if baby takes longer to settle it’s on him to sort.

9pm - 2am: I sleep in spare room and get a solid 4-5 hours sleep.

2am: I pump milk then go to our room.

2.30am - 5.30am: somewhere in this window baby wakes for first feed (second feed c2-3 hours after). Usually takes c1 hour to feed and resettle (albeit tonight is more like 1.5 hours as he’s feeding for ages). I try to get a bit more sleep in this window but usually take a while to fall asleep after I’ve pumped and I’m half on alert for baby waking for feed. Usually get another 30 mins - 1 hour sleep.

5am: I get up to have shower / breakfast / sort house stuff before baby wakes.

6.30am - 8am: husband wakes, gets ready for work and leaves. Sometimes will make me breakfast if I’m trapped in bed feeding baby.

Weekends are the same, except I’ll stay in bed until after second feed so until c6-7am. Usually gets me another 30mins - 1 hour sleep. Husband will sometimes take baby c7am to give me another 30-40 mins sleep. He’ll also have him for an hour here and there during the day if I need to pop out somewhere.

The above routine means I’m essentially generally awake from 2am most days and surviving on 4-5 hours sleep - but I think this might be good for having a young baby?

Husband sleeping 10pm - 6.30am in the week but I can’t really see how we could do things differently unless I stop breastfeeding?

How did others split things?

I look after baby day and night. Ebf. Husband sleeps in the spare room. Husband will do nappies and help cook at the weekends. Pregnant with dc3.
he will do any night waking with elder children if needs be.

Everyone has their own routine/approach to this and the important thing is it works for you, it doesn’t matter what others think or do. Like pp I do most of the care 24 hours for our newborn but husband has him in the evenings for an hour or two whenever I ask so I can go out for a walk or whatever. Same at weekends. We have an older child so he bears more of the load looking after them at the moment and is also doing more of the household stuff than he usually would. We took the same approach when our older child was a baby as well though, so I don’t think having them changes things much on that front. It works for us. If what you’re doing works for you then go with it. If it’s not, change it. Personally I don’t really buy into the whole ‘it should be totally equal’ when you’re on maternity leave. I can’t see the point in two people being shattered from lack of sleep, especially when one has to go to work. I’m quite happy to do the majority of the baby care given I’m not working, so long as he is happy to pull his weight with household stuff and give me a break when I ask for it. But essentially, do whatever works for you.

Hello other mums! As per other posters, I also do all of the night wakings as I only breastfeed overnight.

Is your baby particularly hard to put down in the day? I shower and breakfast with baby awake, so don't get up at 5am to do that.

5am: I get up to have shower / breakfast / sort house stuff before baby wakes.

I think this would be the thing I’d look to change. Totally appreciate it taking a while to fall back asleep - that’s exactly me right now! Could you try not getting up at 5am? I think you need to pack more sleep in. You could do those things later on in the morning whilst the baby is with you - mine sits in a bouncer on the bathroom floor whilst I shower. Breakfast and house stuff I just do at some point after waking up. Shift the prioritisation to yourself.

What are you spending 1.5h on around the house at 5am? Husband needs to help with this so you can sleep more.

You need time to yourself to be you. Try to take a little time each day to read/ have a nice drink/ watch tv and I really recommend an hour on your own at a coffee shop at the weekend. It really kept me sane and allowed me a little switch off time. It's so hard being in mum mode 24/7

My split was pretty much the same as yours.

Dont get up at 5am!!! A shower takes minutes, grab one later. I’d pop her bassinet in the room

Getting up at 5am is absolutely ridiculous with one baby. I have a 5 week old and 3 other children and I would never do this. You need to remind yourself with a newborn that sleep is the most precious healing thing you can have and EVERYTHING else (apart from baby) comes second to that.

Get up when the baby is up and do whatever else around the house where it fits into the day, and if it doesn’t - leave it! Hubby should be helping with house stuff when he gets home or on the weekend.

sleep Mama. Sleep.

The key to this is sorting the daytime naps. He should be sleeping around 16 hours out of 24 at this age. It won't come at the expense of night time sleep at 12 weeks old.

it Does sound fair and like DH is pulling his weight with baby when home from work - is he helping with housework too at weekends?
But agree with others - getting up at 5am is bonkers. Even if baby won’t nap, pop them in bouncer in the bathroom whilst you take a few minutes to shower during the day.

Sounds like he's helping plenty. I've always done all night wakings because of breastfeeding. Why are you getting up at 5 though? If your baby is going back to sleep then you should too!

I would say honestly you are having tonnes of sleep and your baby sleeps very well. At this stage I was awake every hour and a half. I would stop getting up at 5am though

As others have said why on earth are you getting up at 5am? Breakfast can be something easy like a porridge pot or breakfast biscuit or cereal that you can eat with one hand if needed and doesn’t need loads of prep. Tidy the house before you go to bed, this is something your husband can do. A shower can be taken in the evening or later in the day with baby in the bouncer.

Our set up is that I have the baby all day and all night and my husband will have her for an hour or two after work so I can relax, take a long shower if I haven’t been able to and sort any bits. He also helps with the bedtime routine and will take her in the morning at weekends so I can have a lie in. Does your DH need to be on duty until 2am given baby is sleeping then anyway? I prioritise my husbands sleep unless things are going badly and that way he’s rested for work and has way more mental energy to help me when I need it.

This is similar to what DH and I have done with our 3 DC. I didn’t start truly getting my sleep back until baby dropped the night waking, which was at 4 months (!), 1 year, and 9 months with each of my DC respectively.

can someone take your baby for a walk during the day so you can nap? I wasn’t able to get through the day without having a solid afternoon nap while baby napped. I would also babywear a lot so I could get things done in the house and could use nap times to rest.

But it’s a really exhausting season, and we’re just coming out of it with DC3.

Thanks all - the consensus seems to be that this is a fair split which is a helpful sense check.

In answer to a few questions:

Husband at night: he isn’t really “on duty” until 2am as he goes to bed after putting baby to bed c9pm and earliest baby wakes up the first time is 2.30am by which point I’m back in the room.

Getting up at 5am: you’re probably right about this. Baby generally wakes for 1st or 2nd time c5.30am and more recently it’s been difficult to get him back in the crib when he falls asleep so if I end up with him asleep on me I just mentally feel a bit better knowing I’ve at least had a shower. I have put him in the bouncy chair to shower and eat breakfast before but I just find it a bit stressful and having a bit of time to myself before he wakes up feels mentally better. But I probably need to just embrace this more.

Daytime naps: you’re right about needing to sort these out - it’s currently my main stress. He used to go in a crib for c1.5 hours in the morning and in the afternoon. Then we were both ill with a bug for a week when any sort of routine went out the window and now I’m struggling to get naps back full stop. I worry about him not sleeping enough (he sleeps c11 hours in a 24 hour period) so end up getting him to nap by any means (contact nap, out in pram, driving in the car (I know not ideal!!)) just so he gets sleep. He also breast feeds for c6 hours a day so I’m not sure it’s ever going to be realistic for him to sleep c16 hours. But I do need to get better at the nap routine.

Sounds like you're leaving it too long between naps, and then waiting until he's exhausted to pass out in the car.

Try laying him in a crib after he's been awake for 90 minutes. Doesn't matter if he doesn't drip off, you can pick him up for a contact nap if he cries but at least try. Potter about nearby doing tidying or get dressed or whatever. Maybe a quiet radio or white noise too.

I think you’re right about this. I’m finding it quite hard to keep to the 1.5 hour window given a feed takes an average c45 minutes and then there’s always an appointment / visitor or some other thing during the day that means we need to get out the house for a certain time. I think I probably need to try and clear a week with no distractions and spend it really sticking to a better nap routine at home.

For starters, Stop waking up at 5 to shower as unnecessary.

Of course, life gets in the way. Just try and do it when possible and don't sweat it when you can't. What you're laying down is the first step to good habits and it will get better each week.

Good luck.

Why are you pumping then feeding at night? I’m not surprised it takes longer to get back to sleep as you’ll have been at it for ages. And maybe baby needs the first feed so is taking longer to be satisfied(not an expert)

Sounds okay to me!

Only thing I'd ask is why are you pumping at 2am? That will wreck your sleep. Not only is it going to fully wake you up, but it's also going to train your breasts to become full and uncomfortable at this time.

A lot of surviving the baby years is learning how to rest, just lying down a dark room with your eyes closed is valuable for recovery!

A good way to get more sleep is feed the baby side lying on the first wake up so you don't wake yourself or the baby up too much and then it will be easier for everyone to be get a few more hours.

If you need a bottle of milk for your husband to use then pump after the 'breakfast' feed.

Why are you waking at 2 to pump? By 12 weeks your supply is most likely well established so that seems like the bit you can probably drop which could get you a lot more sleep.

it sounds like there are a few bits of your routine that you could change if sleep is the priority. Once there’s a baby around a lot of it does come down to priorities and what helps you to feel comfortable in your own home.

It sounds overall fine except for your DH getting 90 mins to sort himself out in the mornings while you get up at 5 am to get dressed before the baby wakes.

Can he not speed that up so he can look after the baby for a bit in the morning so you can shower and get dressed later?

On the pumping - originally this was because baby would take a bottle from my husband at 10pm but he doesn’t need this now as he sleeps through from my last feed at 8.30pm.

Then I was putting it in the freezer to build up a supply for me to have a work KIT day.

But also I think I thought I had to do this to keep my supply as sometimes baby sleeps through to 5/5.30am. Perhaps this isn’t the case?

I agree that dropping the pumping would help a lot.

It's absolutely not the case, you can drop the pump x

Oh you definitely don't need to do the pumping - your supply should be well established