What help is there for parents of teens?

[letsnotIRL]

Name change for this one as its outing.
Might be a bit long.
This isnt my situation but I'm looking for advice I can pass onto my friend ! I have no idea what to suggest right now and my heart goes out to the family.
Basically my friend has 4 DC, oldest DD is 13 and going down the complete wrong path since starting secondary school. Long story short, she's on report, been found with vapes, horrendous attitude, I've seen her hit her dad and swear left, right and centre at all the family, even the younger DC. Shes always been a handful but its next level at the minute. Recently her mam was sent a video of her having a full on fist fight with another girl! It's absolutely brutal to watch. I could write paragraph after paragraph but theres a lot of general bad teenage behaviour and expected issues happening IYKWIM.
Today the whole family was supposed to go on holiday, but because DD didn't want to go, she lay in bed and refused to get up, went on ridiculous, had the whole family in tears, and they've had to stay home! Literally haven't gone on holiday because they can't leave her alone? The little DC are devastated.
My friend was messaging me today asking for support and I had zero wisdom to offer. What do you do in that situation? Physically drag her out of bed? Hire a babysitter and leave her behind? Phone social? What is realistic here ? The family are literally sitting home right now instead of being on holiday 😕
We've all been close since before DD was even born and I just want to help. Anyone with similar issues have any wisdom to share 🙏

What are her school doing? They should be able to recommend some suitable interventions if her behaviour is escalating.

I would have gone on holiday without her btw and left one adult at home so the other children didn’t miss out.

That sounds awful. What I would do in the case of refusing to go on holiday is to unplug and hide the router and take away her phone. I imagine she would soon crack with no access to the internet.

@BlackBean2023they've put referrals in but the waiting lists are absolutely ridiculous. Her mam has looked into paying private but it would cost an absolute fortune. She's saying she has no choice now, has to go private.
They've done that before and to DD that's her winning, that's what she wants. If dad stays home then she can be with her mates. Her mam was refusing to let that happen today.

@cheeseclothshirt
They took her phone away. She was just lying in bed refusing to get up and going crazy every time someone tried to speak to her. My friend just messaged saying they're heartbroken, she is just screaming abuse at them, mam, dad and small DC were all crying begging her to just get out of bed.

They've left her with nan and grandad and gone on the holiday. But again this will feel like a win to DD.

I would suggest your DF joins MN and posts herself in the Teen Section.

It’s very difficult when they are teens because you no longer have the option of physical force.

you can remove stuff but if they get into a “I hate you” sort of dynamic teens can and will refuse to get up and do anything and then you are pretty stuffed.
the only realistic way forward is persuading the teen you are on her side and want the best for her. This is easier said than done.

in most cases of this type there’s some kind of reason that’s knocked her off track - could be sm illness, either hers or in the family, could be failing at school, could be sexual assault, could be a whole raft of things.

there are parenting courses for teens but they are not particularly good.

the best option for the parents is to accept that she needs a lot of support and that is going to dominate the family life for some time.

look at what she needs. Look at what she is good at. Encourage her to do that. Build relationships.
and find out what happened.

Has she contacted her GP? I would be considering a behavioural or mental health disorder and at least asking there for support.
Sounds like she needs therapy and or medication.

@Octavia64there hasn't been anything to sort of trigger this type of behaviour, she has always had issues, emotional and behavioural, from being small, it's just got worse lately, especially since entering the comp and making a new set of friends.

@whosaysthatshe's had referrals put in through school but the waiting list is huge. Her mam has tried making gp appointments but again, DD just refuses to go, or engage or anything. There is definitely a diagnosable issue, she needs help 100%