If you co slept with your toddler....

[Richtea67]

...when did it stop and how did you get them in their own bed? My 2.5 year old is going through a regression. We've struggled with sleep since day 1, but she was up until recently going to bed fine and mostly sleeping through. Now she's not having any of it, and screams until she can get into 'mummy's bed'. Myself or DH also have to lie with her while she goes to sleep, previously she could self settle.

We've tried changing to a toddler bed as thought she might have found her cot too restrictive...that hasn't helped at all! We try to make her room and bed as cosy as possible and she has always had a consistent bed time routine. Mostly now she doesn't nap, if she does it's usually in the car and for no more than an hour.

If I'm honest it actually doesn't bother me or DH, as I'll sleep with her and my DH decamps to the spare bed...we then all sleep through and feel well rested. But I'm getting a lot of negative comments from family, and a lot of doom and gloom that she'll be sleeping with me for years to come. I don't mind doing it short term if she needs the closeness/comfort, but am I making a rod for my own back??

Also to add...I have an 8 year old with ASD who does need quite a bit of support at bedtime. With the current set up of one of us having to lie with the toddler, I'm struggling to see how one of us could manage bedtime if the other one has an evening out. Any ideas on managing this appreciated!

I went with this -whatever gets the most people the most sleep. Babies and very young children have slept with their mothers for millennia, all over the world they still do. Watch any K-drama and you will see families sleeping together on floor mats, adult grandchildren sleeping with a grandma etc.
Mine slept in our bed until 6 or 7 then shared a double bed in their room for a few years, then had their own rooms. It’s fine, if you don’t mind it and your daughter feels better and sleeps better then ignore anyone else, it is nothing to do with anyone else how you as a family choose to sleep !

My son has slept with me since the very beginning. I too went with the "whatever gets the most people the most sleep" strategy.
Now he is 7 and STILL in the bed. I don't know how I feel about it, to be honest. My husband and I often ended up in separate beds because he is really light sleeper and, once woken, struggles to go back to sleep. But I miss sleeping in the same bed as him. And my son is a very cuddly sleeper, always over on my pillow, squashing me the whole night. Sometimes I could just scream "PLEASE STOP TOUCHING ME."
But even though he is now quite old enough to have a conversation about sleeping in his own bed (in his own lovely room, which we decorated entirely to his choice in the hope of luring him in there), once he's there, he has night terrors or cries and cries.
And, of course, having my mother saying (for years), "You've made a rod for your own back there," doesn't help the situation.
I just know that he won't still want to do this when he is older (12?, I don't know). But I don't know what the solution is.
If it works for you, ignore everyone else. It will come to a natural end, I am sure, but I don't know when that will be for us, and sometimes it's a bit much.

Another vote for "whatever solution gets everyone the most sleep" here too. Have both kids (5yrs and 3yrs) in bed with us and we have the luxury of a bedroom big enough for two king-size floorbeds next to each other, so one giant family bed. Works for us, and I'm sure I'll miss it when they're older and in their own beds.

Another whatever works family. We just waited until they wanted their own bed - so far has been around 10-12. (Once kids were bigger we found it easier to have one parent plus kid(s) per bed)

Another vote for whatever works. It’s also just such a difficult age, they are starting to have bad dreams and imagining the worst case scenarios, feeling anxiety about separation and transitions (sleep itself being a massive transition when you think about it- moving from fully awake to the oblivion that is being asleep) and it’s all very scary. They just need that extra support and reassurance from you. Totally normal and healthy.
And forget the negative comments. She’s 2! Little more than a baby.

No advice but I remember my boss saying their kid went through this stage and started calling his parents’ bed the “family bed”.

We went for the option of a double bed in the dcs bedrooms. That way if they woke up and wanted snuggles I'd just slip into their bed. They'd go through phases of wanting to sleep by themselves and then periods of time of wanting to sleep with me. My now 11 year old only wants to cosleep when hes not feeling well.

My daughter is 6 and sleeps in a little bed next to ours, I love it I'd miss her if she went into her own bedroom! We are very close, im actually due a baby in August and considering getting a super king to let my baby sleep In the bed next to me for awhile I'm hoping my daughter will eventually move into her bedroom not wanting to hear the baby cry all night, I'd feel like I was kicking her out now for the new baby I couldn't do it

From about 1, they always started out in their own rooms and came into us during the night. From about 2, we didn’t even get out of bed, they’d bring themselves in. At a point, they just slept in their own rooms.

Definitely my eldest announced that she wanted to sleep all night in her own room and then she did. That was at 3, I’d guess. Younger one just started sleeping through and not waking up more nights than not. He definitely still slept with us a couple nights a week until 6. He’s 7 now and often still sleeps with me if Dh is away.

We were never the, right, now you have to sleep in your own bed, sort. There was space for them, so they could come into us if they wanted. They just naturally transitioned to sleeping independently. I care much more about a decent night’s sleep for everyone than where they’re all sleeping.

From my experience and friends’, around 8 most children will start to enjoy going to their own room. Although they all seem to occasionally like to cuddle in again for a night. I read an interview with Jo Whiley who had a huge bed and all 4 of her children liked to sleep in there sometimes with the whole family together, chatting and laughing: They were young adults I think, not little children. Sounded really good fun.

I had a double bed in their room. They started out in their room and when they needed me I joined them in their bed. If they were sleeping well again and I woke I'd creep back into my bed.

As they woke less and less frequently over time, I just didn't have to go to them. It wasn't until they were 4 that they consistently slept through though.

Parent sleeps with both children in one bed would be my go to in this situation. 8 year old can listen to audiobooks with headphones until it’s time for lights out.

Or small double for youngest, out them
to bed and stay until they’re asleep,air pods and audio books for adult if you can get away it. In the mean time 8 year old can have quiet time in their room until you put them to bed.

@Christwosheds, thank you for this reassurance. I don't regret having him in the bed (and still quite often look at him sleeping, all snuggled up and so adorable, and enjoy every minute) but I also crave some space! 8 would be GREAT. (Or a much bigger bed. If we had a larger bed, there would be room for me to wiggle away. But presently, with child and dog, ALL existing that they sleep touching me, it is cramped...)

We had a much loved and very cool family friend staying overnight. My 5 Yr old, who had slept with me from birth but did have his own bedroom, whispered to me that he wanted to sleep in his own bed that night! I swear it was all about his street cred but he liked it and never slept with me again

Thanks all...it's nice to hear how normal this is, as my family are making me feel like we are so strange for 'allowing' this to happen...like it's completely awful.

We don't have space in DD's room for a double unfortunately, otherwise this would be a good solution. Tonight we took drastic measures and took the mattress off our bed, and told her it was broken, and she quite happily went to sleep in her own bed (I had to lie on the floor while she went to sleep). If she wakes in the night though I'm not lying on the floor then, so she'll probably end up in with me. I think we'll try and encourage her to sleep in her bed, but won't stress too much and will try to go with the flow. If my family ask I'll just say that we've sorted sleep out in a way that works best for us.

It probably phased out gradually between six and eight. We both quite liked it though and weren’t in a hurry to stop.

I genuinely can’t remember. It’s funny how this stuff seems like it matters at the time, then you just eventually forget. Looking back I just remember cosleeping being the easiest option for different lengths of time for each of my children, and eventually everyone ended up consistently in their own beds. The youngest coslept for longest due to night terrors.

Aw, I remember those days! I had 3 children under 5 and we just took whatever route would get us the most sleep. We would usually wake up in a different bed to the one we got into at the beginning of the night!

They are teenagers now and I really don't think there has been any rods made for any backs. They are all very independant. My husband was working away or a week and I asked each one if they wanted a sleep over with me - none of them wanted to!

In the end my oldest dd (17) said the would get into bed with me and stay until I fell asleep then she would go back to her own bed! Such a role reversal!

I would love to have those snuggly sleepy small children back in my bed. Enjoy it and just tell family members nothing if they judge.

What support does he need, how long does your 2 year old take to go to sleep, and what are the bed times for both?

All 3 of mine co slept from birth, although I have big age gaps, (kids are 23, 11 and 4), so never at the same time.

Ds slept with us until he was 5 and he decided one day he would like to sleep in his own room.

DD was just turned 4, again, decided that she would like to try her own room.

Youngest is 4 and a half and is still in our bed. But she doesn’t have her own room yet; won’t until we have renovated later in the year. There are bunk beds in older dd (now age 11) room. We thought that youngest would be out of our bed the soonest as she would want to share a room with her sister - nope!!

We don’t mind though, we have a super king bed and the years pass by so fast.

She needs someone with her constantly basically...needs prompting with everything and has a bit of a ritual for bedtime which involves a lot of our input. She goes to bed 8.15, lights off 8.30/8.45. The youngest goes to bed around 7, can be asleep in 10mins, or up to 1 hour.

Just an update...last few nights DD has fallen asleep in her own bed with us lying on the floor next to it. We have pretended our bed is broken, and she's accepted this quite happily! The problem is she is waking, crying for us and taking 2-3 hours to go back to sleep....we bring her into our bed but this doesn't help. So I'm thinking of starting her off in our bed, and hoping this is less disruptive and that she sleeps through. It feels like a backwards step, but we're both exhausted, and now I feel we need to do whatever gets the most people the most sleep. DH will decamp to the spare room, which I do feel a bit sad about. I think the ideal solution would be moving her bed into our room, but there isn't room unfortunately. Would people do the same, or any ideas I'm missing!?

I would have a floor bed in her room, small double if there isn't room for a full double, and take out anything else you have to to accommodate it. If it's just a mattress on the floor you can usually squeeze it in, I had one in a tiny box room. Then just co sleep in there when she needs it, less disturbing than moving beds. But if you want her in your bed because it's easier, nothing wrong with that.

If you're doing both, I'd do anything that they both do together (teeth, stories etc), then leave your older one reading/listening to an audiobook etc while you get younger one to sleep and then finish the routine for older one.

Also, if you have a spare room, is that bigger than hers? Would that fit a floor bed?

I also wouldn't have her in with you every night and DH in spare room, I'd alternate so you both get some unbroken sleep.