Rotten mum syndrome

[memum]

I always lie in bed at the end of the day and feel fed up and disappointed with the way I've handled situations with my toddler. I feel so guilty if I've shouted at him or lost my temper in some way. However alot of the time I know that what I feel guilty about is trivial to most others.

Today I was trying to clean his nose with a flannel much to his disapproval. I was getting more and more stressed. (I am 37 weeks pregnant - but no excuse) I know this sounds strange but my ds does actually like to chew/eat a wet flannel (perhaps for teething help?!) so in desperation I said in a raised voice "Well do you want to eat the flannel?!!" thinking that if I could get him to chew on a corner - I could get another corner of the flannel and wipe his nose. However the way I said it sounded so shrill and unreasonable that I felt such a bully afterwards. I kept playing it back in my mind (this is where I play judge and jury) and couldn't decide if I had shoved the flannel towards his mouth as I ranted (which of course I feel is awful) or whether it had just been a rant? I always go over things in my mind and however I try to make myself feel better - I always seem to blow the situation out of all proportion to the extent that I can't remember what happened at all. End result - I feel really guilty. What is wrong with me?

I agree with jollymum. Mine are now 13- 18. I had a very long coversation with my eldest about what a pain in the neck she was when she was little, & she didn't remember any of it. Even the stuff I remember with guilt, as being particularly horrible. Not a thing. All she could remember was holidays, days out & isolated "normal" days at home, & yet I was definitely up there for the Worst Mother Award

My mother also tells me that when I was 2 I broke something of hers & she "belted me within an inch of my life" (which would have been by hand & with lots of screaming), and that I also put my arm through an electric mangle & had to go to hospital & wear a sling. I have no recollection of either of those rather traumatic incidents.

If you are a good-enough parent most of the time, I think you'll be OK.

My children are 13 and 11 now and I still lie awake some nights feeling dreadful about how I've handled situations. Guilt is all part of being a mother, isn't it?

Sorry, don't mean to be a downer about this but just because a memory's not remembered like a 'story' event doesn't mean it's not remembered at all. Otherwise how do children learn anything from 2-3? They couldn't say to you, yes I remember learning what the colour red is, but nevertheless they do 'remember' it. What I'm trying to say is, although I feel as stupidly guilty as anyone else, I don't feel happy thinking that when I mess up it's ok because dd won't remember it because I think she'll 'learn' from it and that learning will be negative.

Well no-one feels happy about messing up, do they? If you sat & thought about every bad thing you'd ever done- with no chance of putting it right- you'd drive yourself completely mad. I know I go over & over stuff from the past & get all tied up in knots about it, but what's the point? I can't time-travel & do it right. All you can do is learn from it & try not to do the same again, but with no more little children that isn't likely to arise for me. It's far too big a guilt trip to torture yourself with what you've done to your children by shouting or whatever.

I don't think there is a mum in the world who doesn't feel guilty about the way they talk to their toddlers. When my son wouldn't go to bed, and stayed up until he collapsed with exhaustion I used to get so angry with him. One night I tried leaving him to cry ( controlled crying ish!!) whilst checking on him every 15-30 mins. The screaming got louder and louder and each time I brought him downstairs, but after trying to put him down he just went awol, and I picked him up,tried to calm him down, but in the end I shouted at him and then threw him in the cot. I swear it, I threw him. Admitedly it wasn't roughly, and he bounced on the matress, but the guilt afterwards was horrendous.
I cried for hours after he fell asleep as I couldn't get his scared little face out of my mind. I had nightmares over it.
Luckily his sleeping is a million times better, and when I feel myself getting stressed I just take a deep breath, or walk away..

Dear Memum, see when your other baby arrives, this is all going to pale in comparison. You are a good mommy and sonny boy is just being a boy. Dont sweat the small things, its not like he is gonna grow up and say "mommy", why did you shove that flannel in my mouth????? I am trying not to laugh at you cause I wish you were here to laugh with me love. You are a great mom, and dont let anybody, especially yourself, tell you different!
Hang in there, it gets worse!!

memum, i feel ashamed reading your post if that's the worst thing you've done to your toddler!!
I have four children 7 down to 1 and am often irritable and occasionally reduced to frothing at the mouth loony! I am nice sometimes as well.
I do feel guilty when I am horrible and then I go to bed with one of my 30 or so child rearing manuals and try and regain my confidence!
Sounds like you are a lovely mum if thats as bad as you get x Try to be kind to yourself.
Hope you enjoy your film.

I've just randomly checked my thread and was very touched to see so many additional responses to my weary post! I really appreciate the time you have all taken to reply. Thank you to you all wherever you are.

Jollymum and Tallulah you are great, it's like reading a message from the future (I hope!). Still, I resolve I will keep trying to stop screaming "GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN, I am trying to make your dinner" at my 2 year old every night until she cries, and not to worry that SHE keeps stating No, I BUSY whenever she catches sight of me. Can I have Unitarian guilt? my 2 pence, 37 weeks is a pretty good excuse for most imperfections in toddler care.