How not to spoil an only child

[HowManyDucks]

I have a 1 year old DD. She will be an only child. It suddenly occurred to me that her environment may not be ideal for ultimately learning that she isn't the centre of the universe! . She hasn't ever heard a raise voice and rarely has to do something she doesn't want to do. I don't spoil her with material stuff but I probably do my time. She chooses what toys she wants to play with, what story she'd like to read etc. I remember always having to work it out and compromise with my siblings growing up. Im firm with my boundaries but honestly I don't have very many, they are mostly there for safety. Any tips or advice welcome.

Im in the exact same situation so following!

Dd is 1 next week and I also grew up with siblings.

Sorry no advice but hope you don't mind me tagging along with you on this one xx

It's a tricky one, isn't it?
I'm already seeing flickers of toddler bossiness coming through. Now it's cute, she's one, but it won't be cute in a couple of years. I want to get it right but I have a feeling it's going to be a tricky balance.

I have an only teen. Sony know whether I’ve done a good job but I have often borrowed other children on day trips etc and encouraged plenty play dates so she has to compromise. We’re lucky that we have big group of friends that all go camping together each summer. I don’t always let her choose the music that we’re listening to. We may make a playlist between us or take turns.

@HowManyDucksSame here. It's pretty cute at the moment, especially picking her books etc.. that's something she can keep, as long as she wants her books I'm good. But I don't want her to end up thinking she can get sassy with me because we have run out of strawberries and chicken (her two favourite foods).

I would say take her to lots of play groups.

I think at this stage letting her have her own way in the way you have described is totally fine. Boundaries become more important later on. Having lots of playdates and even trips with friends at the appropriate time will help them develop their negotiation skills and remind them that the world doesn’t revolve around them. The fact that you’re actively thinking about it indicates that you are less likely to slip into bad habits.

At 1-2yrs we started having friends over deliberately so that other children were playing with DS's toys. Easier to share at a playgroup when it's not your stuff.

Trust me, only child or not, she will face arguments and tough times and needing to be flexible. You will raise your voice…a lot! She will have to do things she doesn’t want to do. You will say no you can’t have that toy. No, you can’t eat ice cream for breakfast. Yes, you have to wait to go down the slide. Yes, all your friends are allowed Snapchat, but no you absolutely can’t have it. Yes, Sally is allowed to bring alcohol to the party, but no we will not buy you any.

It’s about good parenting and setting healthy boundaries. I have 2, but actually they don’t really play with each other (different ages). What they’ve learned about the world, being flexible, respecting boundaries, has largely been from Dh and I and from friends. Not from each other.

I have a 4YO that does the same thing. He thinks it’s his house so his rules. And I have to remind him that sometimes things are for other people too and that we share. Brilliant example would be that he wanted to share my Mother’s Day chocolates. 😂

DS gets what he wants. Either from his dad (DH) who loves to spoil him or his aunts or his grandparents. I am so fed up with the amount of hot wheels we have. 🫣

Haha, chicken is a winner in this house too. Also cheese, avocado and broccoli.

Yesterday she was tired in the evening, she gestured "shhhh" to me, took me by the hand and walked us both to bed. I mean, it was funny at the time but no, she doesn't and will not rule the house.

She is often with cousins but I think we do spoil her because she is naturally the centre of both our worlds.
I so feel guilty she doesn’t have siblings but she has such a lovely life we probably couldn’t afford if we had more than one (though we are trying) but she’s has always loved sharing!

My recommendation would be to make sure you keep a good balance between adult-focused and child-focused activities in your family. "Modern" parenting is very child-centred, which is great some ways but less so in others. It can be particularly problematic in one child families where the child is constantly in the spotlight - it's a tricky combination of being constantly watched and also never having to compromise.

I know a couple of very happy and chilled one parent families who have a lovely balance of child-led activities and times when the expectation is for the child to fit in/join in with their parents. They have had wonderful childhoods and have really benefited from the quiet focus their parents have been able to give them. One the other hand, I know a couple of families where the child has been allowed to absolutely dominate everything, which, without having siblings to dilute things, means they are both horribly over supervised and also very unacustomed to not having things their own way.

I think it’s important not to frame it as spoiling - your child is lucky in that you’re not split between several children, and that doesn’t have to be a negative.

It is hard. You can artificially manufacture things. But she’ll go to nursery and school and have to rub along with others then.

No need to fret about it now though. Enjoy your baby!

Honestly, I think it's an untrue stereotype that only children get spoiled. Any child needs appropriate boundaries, but the fact that in general an only child has a less challenging environment without squabbling siblings doesn't mean they won't ever learn how to share. In fact, observing the children I know (a range of onlies and ones with siblings), being good at sharing and knowing that they are not the centre of the universe had very little correlation with how many siblings they have. Some of the onlies are incredibly generous... Some of those with siblings are terrible at sharing. I tend to think it's mainly personality. (as an aside, I often see parents of multiples giving in to their children more often, probably because they're just tired! So boundaries can be harder to keep with many).
Full disclosure, I have an only and I was worried about this too, but as she's grown I've appreciated that having the full attention of her parents has actually made her very secure and happy, and able to enter very well in any kind of group dynamics. (Although, given what I said before, maybe that's just her personality... Who knows?). But basically the fact that she gets her way quite often hasn't spoiled her.

With respect, if you don’t have an only it’s impossible for you to know how things work in one-child families.

@mindutopia interesting. She isn't in the asking for things stage yet, so maybe it will be easy to put boundaries in place when that happens.

She does go to stay and plays but tends to just do her own thing there. When I take her for playdates at the park ,for example, she waves hello and follows them around not quite sure what to do next, so far the other children (about the same age, a few months older) aren't really interested.

Just to say that children's with siblings get sassy about those things too! But when it's done by an only, it's immediately blamed on the fact that their an only, and not that they're just, you know, a normal kid.

Remember that the majority of first born children are only children at 1 year old! So I really wouldn't read too much into her current behaviour.

I'm an only child and my DC is an only child; so I have some life experience here!
I think a lot comes down to temperament. Some people are naturally more assertive/ bossy; whereas others are gentle. I like balance and compromise and so I don't recall my childhood being one where I got my way more than what I should. Similarly with my DC;( who doesn't have a strong personality,) is happy to blend in, wait his turn and sometimes go without. I haven't expressly taught him all this.
There were times when he was very young that I would explain before a playdate that it was different house rules now. We look after our guests and host. It means sharing.
For the record, I love being an only child. I admit I know nothing different, but I have a great bond with my parents. In turn, I'm able to devote time to my DC and don't feel I'm run ragged.
I've had lots of support and attention from my parents growing up; but no-one has ever called me spoilt. I've been told I'm lucky; but never spoilt.
One consequence- I find staying away in large groups/ communal living very difficult. I do need my own space. This is a trait I have to this day and I'm pretty sure it's an only child thing!

We got a dog. Was a great pay to teach dd that it wasn’t all about her. She adores the dog!

You can’t spoil a child with love. She’s far too young to worry about letting her have her own way etc. Children aren’t capable of learning to share until much older. 2 at the very youngest usually.

And yes she won’t be that interested in other kids yet. Look up parallel playing.

I’d say this is standard at 1 regardless of having siblings or not - parallel play will happen before joint play and even that is usually something older children do. Infants are often not very interested in each other!

I’m an only child, and I understand a lot of parents worry about ‘the effects’ of growing up without siblings, but it’s always seemed strange to me. I think it’s something you can turn into a problem if you overthink it but otherwise… just be a decent parent and it’s fine. I think setting out with the idea you need to fix a problem in your child’s upbringing is going to cause you unnecessary angst.

Lots of play dates, groups, and time with cousins. At age one Boundaries are only around safety really, or saying it’s time to go somewhere or stop something. By 18 months you can get them helping to tidy up. She will learn sharing and cooperation in nursery and school.

Also I do tend to pop up on these threads to say that I loved being an only child. I know not everybody does, and none of us know any different to what we grew up with, but I do like to try and offer that veiw to parents who feel guilty about not having more than one child. I remember being jealous of my friend who had a twin hahah, but I never hankered after a brother or sister. I was genuinely just really happy by myself.

As an adult it’s quite nice to have escaped the comparisons between siblings that persist into adult life too. Sibling relationships are kind of baffling to me but they also seem quite complex and difficult to manage between adults, even in families that essentially all like each other. This feels like an easy life in comparison!