How to approach our teenage daughter’s behaviour? Is it just the teen phase?

[Easterbunny1235]

Hi, please don’t shoot me down I’m just after a bit of advice?
my DSD is 13 and lives with her mum but stays with us at the weekends. She has generally been a pleasant child/teenager however her behaviour recently when staying with us is getting worse and worse. Not just to us, but to all family members involved.
She is incredibly ungrateful, seems to have forgotten how to say please and thank you, demands my husband to do things for her or buy things for her. A lot of the time if she is not getting her way or it’s not what she wants, all hell breaks out being told to p off, shut up, go away. My MIL is lovely and tries her best to do things for her like buy her things for her room but she is met with really rude ungrateful responses. Which is not usually addressed as everyone is trying to enjoy the time we have with her
We previously have done as much as possible to keep her happy as understandably my husband doesn’t want every encounter to be a negative one. But often this means certain behaviours have been ignored.
We just want advice on how to approach this as at the moment we are all treading on eggshells at the weekend. Is this normal teenage behaviour?! I personally think it’s in everybody’s best interests to try and address what we can as we have a 1 year old daughter who will soon become a sponge to this way of acting. But how do we address this without DSD feeling pushed out?

What’s communication like with her mum? DH found it helpful to talk to her mum and try to be on the same page as her.
We’re coming out the other end of this but it is a hard stage and it’s definitely not helped by not addressing it. When she’s rude what happens? We address it there and then telling her there’s no need to be rude and then moving on.
i actually feel like the skills for a teenager are not dissimilar to a toddler - consistency, boundaries, ignoring and not giving in to the tantrums and as parents retaining a sense of humour about it.
If she’s told she’s being rude and she has a strop leave her to it. This is where it helps to be working with mum on it so she can’t just say she’s going home

Also things we started doing as DSD became a teenager was giving her more control in plans - give her options that you’re happy with and let her decide. They’re stuck between wanting to be more adult and often parents who are trying to catch up so treating them more grown up seems to help and they have a sense of ownership

If all was relatively ok before the new baby arrived this, plus raging teen hormones probably has a lot to do with it. She has been dad's only child for about 12 years so dad having a new baby who lives with him all the time is a massive adjustment. Inevitably a little baby takes up a lot of time and she may well struggle that inevitably she can have less of dad's time than she did before. Add in normal teen angst, hormones, bodily changes, possible insecurities about friendships and boys ect ext and you have a recipe for trouble and strife.
You sound a really caring stepmum and you seem to want to handle things as well as possible. Inevitably more areas of problem loom in the not too far distant future. When baby is 2 or 3 you and partner will want to do small child centred things and she will be welcome to 'come along' she will be 14 or 15 and wants to do other things with dad. I would try to factor in some separate time with dad like a cinema visit ext that is suitable to her age while being cheerfully firm about her doing things as a whole family as well. For example you and dad can see that film you wanted to go to on Saturday and we are all going for a walk at the beach then to the swings on Sunday said cheerfully. It's hard op, especially when every good intention iset with attitude. It's good that MIL is trying to help with this adjustment as well. Hope it settles down soon. 💐

Also what @Jshrbt says about some choices in plans ext

@shiningstar2 Sorry just to add to the above, the behaviour started before baby was born. It just seems at the moment it’s much worse. Found out recently through being told she’s hanging out with a dodgy set of friends, friends are shop lifting but says she’s not involved. I definitely think there’s an element of insecurity/losing dad a bit, but she’s close to being excluded from school which has been ongoing for a long while so I don’t know a part of me feels like it’s deeper rooted than just the insecurity?

I have tried to encourage it but my husband keeps it to be bare minimal. I agree though that first we need to find out if this is happening in both homes, and take a consistent approach. Also with grandparents as well
So for a while it wasn’t addressed at all, but after a couple of conversations with my husband I did say I don’t think it’s in her best interests when we are trying to raise a kind young adult to ignore it.
But my husbands approach is to address it when things have cooled down a bit or a few days later, I’m just really unsure this is actually having any affect as it’s still going on.
i feel like your approach sounds better.
Also she is never asked to apologise to anyone so it’s bought up and just left.
I find that if she has a strop my husband then will do anything to get back into her good graces rather than ride it out

The teen years are hard. I’m not even there yet and I’m desperately pessimistic about what the next few years will look like. It’s hard to comprehend as the parent of a younger child but you really do start to lose these lovely little people you’ve been nurturing for years, and they’re replaced with obnoxious people who hate you, yet still need your love and guidance. I have a year 7 boy and he’s already not the same child he was just a few years ago. Obviously you can’t/shouldn’t ignore this behaviour but also a lot of this is just teenagers; even the nicest of children turn into absolute arses for a couple of years.

my teenagers were lovely and still are as adults? I don’t understand why mumsnet insists that teenagers are always awful. This poor kid is acting out but not because she is a teenager but because life is difficult for her, she has dodgy friends, and she is jealous and angry over her split family.

I don’t thjnk there us a magic bullet or one weird truck but I would hold her closer and praise her more. Ignore bad behavior where you can. Give her more control and responsibility where you can. She is trying to control what she can—including negative attention.

@pikkumyy77 I can also understand as a parent with lovely teens/adults your opinion on this. But unfortunately the ignoring bad behaviour doesn’t seem to be benefiting any of us, as the bad behaviour is pretty constant.

@Easterbunny1235 personally I would call her on the bad behaviour as soon as it happens. Her dad not tackling the problem is not going to help it. Appreciate she's had a lot of changes in her life but.....no need for rudeness. Im my honest opinion. From a mum of two teenage sons

If it's 'normal', it shouldn't be! Why hasn't she been taught basic respect, good manners and appreciation for things and people?

Why does she think that kicking off when she doesn't get what she wants is acceptable? Sounds very difficult for you, OP.

@RachelLikesTea This is very much my view for children of any age as these things are taught from just a young, but as I know a few people who have had issues with their teens, we’ve not been sure if this was just a phase that would be grown out of.

It’s completely unacceptable - however I feel like father’s side have been more relaxed as she’s only here for a limited time.

@BigCarMistake ah I feel for you! It is really really tough and has put a big strain on our relationship/family life. Praying that you have a better outcome. I think a lot of posters have said the same and nipping it in the bud is much better than thinking they will grow out of it! ♥️

@BigCarMistake it's so much harder, children are so different to how I was at that age! Also there’s SO many outside influences/social factors that make it even harder to steer them in the right direction.

Your biggest hurdle is probably your DH and it’s understandable that he doesn’t want to upset her when he doesn’t get as much time as he’d probably like with her. It helped when I pointed out to my DH that we weren’t doing her any favours to let her think people can be treated this way and it could effect future friendships and relationships

I was terrible at that age and so were my siblings and friends!

My DC was a thousand times better than us at that age!

@ShiiiiiiiiiitDinosaur I was also difficult in my teens! So I understand from my end how much of a difference being reigned in made for me

Have you done anything differently?

One of mine can tend towards the mardy/rude/attitude side of things. I've found the balance to be to calmly correct her behaviour and remind her of boundaries, but not to put in a sanction, as the later causes an escalation. If she then goes "WHAT???? I WASN't being rude!!!!" I have to fight the urge to keep the conversation going, say end of conversation, and leave. Basically remind her once, end the conversation, and then leave (even if getting all sorts of backchat).

I know this sounds really, really wet, but actually just consistently reminding her of expectations has been far more effective than applying sanctions, which just deteriorated into a battle of wills and wasn't ever effective.

@Easterbunny1235 the main thing is that they have their Dads temperament more than mine.

I was brought up in the 1970’s and 1980’s so it goes without saying we parented very differently 😂 DH and I were both physically harmed at school (different schools) as punishment!

I have no advice but I did notice yesterday driving during the school home time all the children were glued to their phones it was something like a phone zombie movie! It was surreal.

@ShiiiiiiiiiitDinosaur its actually so concerning, I’m from the generation phones were only bought in really in maybe secondary school. And that’s if you could afford one!
God help us all if the WiFi is down or the kids aren’t able to get in snapchat. It’s like we’ve entered the doors of hell haha!

Don’t accept all rudeness / bad behaviour as ‘just teenagers’ you are setting yourself up for a nightmare.

yes, going through puberty and being a teenager/ moving towards adulthood is hard - but it doesn’t stop you being able to say please and thank you . Teens are often self centred but redirecting them and helping them see others exist / others points of view if essential rather than letting them become totally self absorbed and entitled.

Clear boundaries and consequences for bad behaviour are needed. Excusing it all as ‘teenagers being teenagers’ you will end up with an out of control nightmare.

Be firm but fair. Loving and kind boundaries will get you through the teen years and means consistency from adults around her and clear expectations on what is and isn’t acceptable.

with rights come responsibilities - model good behaviour, expect chores to be done around the house. Don’t respond to rudeness . Set your expectations for language / going out etc…

teenagers are like overgrown toddlers - full of wants and emotions - that are too big to handle. they need loving boundaries from adults to feel safe and to learn to navigate the world.

Sorry just to quickly update on this, if anyone has any further advice…
My husband asked DSD mother if they could discuss dealing with DSD behaviour for the above reasons. DSD mother asked no questions and just said she will speak to her but she doesn’t have these problems with her.

Just for a bit of background, DSD has had lots of behavioural issues at secondary school. Teachers have asked mother to come into school to discuss and from DSD stories, the outcome ends up DSD mother shouting/becoming defensive to school. To put it into perspective she was close to being excluded completely.

We are both now at a loss, because there is very little support from DSD mother she almost gets her back up about it. Even though it’s absolutely not an attack at her?

some times what we are experiencing is down to all the change that is happening in our house.
As DSD has vocalised that she very clearly doesn’t want her mum to find a new partner

but I’m also aware as explained above this behaviour has been going on well before all the change happened