4yo dd refusing preschool.

[spinningbirds]

My November born 4yo dd is refusing to go to preschool. She currently goes 5 days, 9-3pm.

It’s the village preschool, run in the church hall. Very competent staff (managed by an ex deputy head) but quite small, with only a tiny outside space.

She has been there nearly 2 years, this is her last year before moving to the village primary school.

Her general level of learning and talking is good, there are no suspicions of neurodivergence. Behaviour also good.

As one of the oldest in the preschool, my suspicion is that she’s bored/unfulfilled? At home she plays with her 7 yo sister and they can be fairly sophisticated with their games. She goes to ballet and riding lessons and loves it. I fear that preschool babyish and condescending

She says that she ‘wants to stay with her family’ - her dad and I both work from home so she thinks she can stay and chill/play. I’ve tried explaining that we need to do work but obviously that doesn’t really make sense to a 4yo. And of course we can’t properly work if she’s home.

She only has 5 months to go so I doubt I’d get a place at another nursery, most have wait lists, and also this place is the feeder for the village primary so she’d miss the introductory sessions etc.

Sometimes bribery works (“I’ll put a cupcake in your lunch!”) but obviously that’s not sustainable.

Just wondering if anyone has any ideas really? Anything I can suggest to preschool?

I can probably drop her days to 3.5 or 4, but much less would be tricky

Personally I'd just say tough and it's non negotiable.

It sounds like she has FOMO with you and her dad being at home all day without her. I'd big up how much work you have to do and how boring you find it (even if you don't) and that you are all having to do things you'd prefer not to, so that she doesn't feel that she's getting a raw deal. And big up things you can all look forward to at the weekend, particularly if it involves stuff at home.
And stop the daily bribery, otherwise you are setting yourself up a very long hard road!

Do you let her stay home sometimes? If you do, I'd nip it in the bud now so she knows the expectation is you work and she goes to preschool.

She is old enough to begin to understand that parents need to work to get money for ballet lessons and riding lessons so she needs to go to preschool.

First poster nailed it

Parent fail for letting your kids know you WFH and supposedly available - you're not

She goes to ballet and riding lessons and loves it. I fear that preschool babyish and condescending

^

Or ballet and riding are making her condescending?

I'm a bit confused @spinningbirds in one sentence the pre school is well run with nice, competent staff and in another you're worried they are "condescending" to your 4 year old who is used to playing more "sophisticatedly"?

Is she maybe picking up on your negativity towards the setting?

There were a few kids in my sons pre school who were very ready to move on to school around this time last year but honestly it's something to get through. Is there anything she particularly enjoys there that you could focus on?

Have you spoken to the preschool? They might be willing to do something to challenge her more e.g. play a board game, do some counting activities etc.

Oh my, this is not a negotiation. I wouldn’t be having any of this with a 4 year old. Who is in charge here?

Mummy and Daddy need to work so that we have money for food and ballet and holidays.
We can't look after you when we are working, so "teacher" looks after you.
In a few months you will go to Big School... shall we look at the calendar?

It does sound as if it's a bit young and boring for her. If it's in quite a small space it might be noisy too, so she can't just get on with her own thing so easily. It sounds like there aren't other options though. Could you or your dh go part time just until summer so you can take her out some days instead to add a bit of variety.

She is probably bored, at 4yr3m plenty of children have started school and are relishing the extra challenge, so it makes sense that some of the older preschool cohort are ready for that now. I doubt that moving to a different nursery would change things, unless you have access to something markedly different like a forest school setting.

You and your husband need to work, it doesn't matter if you go to work or are WFH. The fact is still the same, you are both working. Your daughter going to pre-school is non-negotiable, she has to go, unless she has unwell, because you need to work. If you start reducing her time at pre-school, so she can stay at home more, what happens when she starts school?! You can't reduce her time at school! It's a lesson your daughter needs to learn, she can't always have/do what she wants. Her pre-school is perfectly fine, she's just very much aware you and Daddy are at home, she probably thinks she's missing out on something! You need to play down WFH. Do you have a base office? Or are you self-employed? A simple 'Mummy has to go into her work more now' or 'Daddy has to go to lots of meetings, so he's not at home'. Your daughter has no idea if you're in the office, at a meeting or at home! So make out you're not at home much. You need to let her see she's not missing anything, and that she'd be bored. I can guarantee, she'll suddenly want to go to pre-school again. Whatever, you do don't cut down her pre-school time, you will create a rod for your own back!

No choice here. We work.
Off you go to preschool.

I don't tell my DDs I work from home, apart from occasionally. They think I go somewhere (and sometimes I do, eg to a co working space or cafe). Because if they knew I was home they would whiiinnne about school and pre-school, even though they both love it

My DD went through that phase. It wasn't negotiable, we had to work and we didn't want her to get into the habit of thinking school is optional before she even started. The first time it happened, we tried having the conversation with her about why and when she didn't have a good answer but refused to get dressed, we took her in in her pyjamas. They called us 20 minutes later to say she'd settled in and was happily playing. She told us later that another child had said something unkind to her the week before and that was why she hadn't wanted to go. They are in school together now and love each other to bits.

The answer is always consistent; unless she is genuinely sick, she has to go. She loves school 90% of the time and is very confident and happy.

Nothing to add really except first poster got it right. How does she even know you’re going home? Say you’re ’off to work’,

Children don't get to decide, nip this in the bud and don't give in otherwise school will be a nightmare

The poster suggesting going part time to appease a 4 year old 🤣🤣 tread carefully because you may well be about to build a rod for your own back. Try not to indulge in spoilt I want behaviour unless you want to deal with that for the next 50 odd years

How is she with kids her own age? I know you say she plays well with her big sister, but there’s a big gap and it’s not the same as peer interactions. Then ballet and horse riding but neither of those are social or cooperative. Rather than focusing on her being academically stretched or not, you might be better looking at friendships with kids her own age. Lots of regular playdates to encourage friendships and hopefully that will have her skipping in to see her friends and then hopefully she won’t care that cut and stick is boring. But ultimately it’s non negotiable, you have to work so she has to go to preschool. Don’t get into a debate about it.

Lots if good advice here I think.

As others have said, it isn't really up for discussion. You need to work, so she needs to go to her nice, if not academically rigorous, pre-school

Ballet is not co-operative? Wow. I think that would come as big news to anyone who has ever done any ballet at any level.

OP said she suspects her child is bored and unstimulated cooped up in a small space every day. You seem like someone who wouldn't care about your kids being understimulated with your giggling twat emojis. OP does or she wouldn't have started the thread. Anyway I'll leave you to do more giggling twat emojis, which seems to be the level you operate at. Thankfully I won't see them.

Oh poor little 4 year old bored. Kids don’t know the meaning of the word bored these days.

giggling twat… go fuck yourself quite frankly

@EG94 if I used to complain that I was bored it was always met with "only boring people get bored" and I was expected to find something to do to end said boredom. At 4 it seemed an outrageously callous response but I have to say it's a rarity I am ever bored as it's second nature to find something to do. I should probably say thanks to my mum for that!

I meant more with all the technology they have at their fingertips and clearly your child(ren) engage in exciting activities Bordem is seldom in today’s generation not that they’d know it!

I am a November born Scorpio so I am sure even at 4 she’s a determined and stubborn one 🤣 I just think leaving my full time job for a 4 year old is a bit extreme on the basis they don’t fancy nursery.