Is this normal for a 6 year old?

[Trailblaze]

So my son was upset because his little brother laughed that his paper aeroplane didn’t fly. So upset he kicked him and then continued to try to kick him until I got my 3 year old out the way. He then kicked me and kept trying to kick and punch me so I had to shut the door on him whilst he pulled at the handle screaming he hated me and was going to kill me if I didn’t open the door. All the while I’m remaining calm and saying “I can see you’re angry, can I do anything to help?” “Why don’t you take a break?”. Nothing worked. He said he was calm and when I opened the door he came in and kicked me.

He has no diagnosis. He just cannot control his temper when he’s angry. Two questions. Is this normal behaviour and what can I do to stop myself and my 3 year old being attacked by him? Should I lock us away?

Its what I used to do when my middle child had meltdowns. He's autistic. If you can completely rule out trauma, Autism or ADHD or things like ODD are possibile reasons for his behaviour. If he's having meltdowns as opposed to tantrums than nothing you say during the meltdown will have an effect because he's not able to take those things on board. De-escalate first, for me that means leaving the room and closing the door on the room I'm in and sitting against it because even at this age my DS was strong. Closing the door on the room he was in would escalate things and although he would kick the door of the bedroom I went into he'd calm down a lot faster if left in the living areas on his own.

Causes and strategies for regulation need to be addressed when he's calm and you need to watch out for and learn the early signs he's getting unregulated and coach him through the stratergies before he loses it. By the time he's hitting and kicking he no longer has any control. Its not a quick process, but punishment will only hinder things, the underlying reaons need to be addressed. Meltdowns are horrible for everyone involved, he feels himself losing control, it must be a scary place to be just as it is scary for his little brother and it hurts to have your child hurting you. Punishment/consequences can work for deliberate behaviour, but he's not choosing to behave this way, he doesn't have the skills and maturity to deal with what he's experiencing in a better way.

All the while I’m remaining calm and saying “I can see you’re angry, can I do anything to help?” “Why don’t you take a break?”. Nothing worked. He said he was calm and when I opened the door he came in and kicked me

^
Next time:

Get down to his height

Hold his shoulders

Look in his eyes

Say in a strong voice: ''you do NOT speak to me like that!!! You do NOT kick people! Don't you dare do that!!'''

If it is a meltdown, and it does sound like one, your son will not be in control by that point. Shouting or being firm will not help. Using as few words as possible without ignoring him and being very calm will.
Look up the coke-bottle effect, children who bottle things up all day at school and then it releases over the tiniest thing at home.
Sorry if people think it’s the answer to everything, but it absolutely does sound like possible neurodiversity. The lack of emotional regulation, the quick switch to such anger.
The advice on things to help him regulate is good, this may help to prevent meltdowns. There’s also a very good book called the Explosive Child by Ross Green which is worth a read.

So the root of the his anger was 1)frustration that the plane did t fly and 2) anger at his brother ridiculing him, and I can't see that you addressed either of these.
Did you tell the younger one off for being unkind? Did you help him fix the flight problem?
He needs help managing his big feelings. Firstly identifying the emotion, and then observing the emotion has being separate from himself and finding more appropriate ways to dispel these feelings - counting to 10, walking away, punching his pillow etc

You can be calm but clear about the consequences of his actions. If he is hitting and kicking your younger child focus your attention on them, not him. At the moment, it sounds like he is in control and not you, so you need to change that balance. He can be angry all he wants and scream and shout - let him get it out, but ultimately it isn't okay for him to do that so things he like will get cancelled or removed calmly but definitely. He won't like it, he isn't supposed to, that's how he learns. The talking about it is for later when he is calm again. Sorry to be blunt but this sounds far more like a parenting and control issue than a neurodiversity issue.

Also, look up the correlation between negative behaviour and personal screen use. He should not be playing Minecraft etc. It will absolutely not be helping.

Don't shout or get angry. You are trying to teach him not to do that.

Firstly try to prempt situations and distract , move away before escalation.

If you see him about to do something (in a controlled way not as part of a meltdown) tell him calmly " don't hit db, you will lose x time on iPad if you do" Don’t make punishment too big as he may get overwhelmed/have no incentive to behave. And give a specific time frame for loss.

In meltdown , move him away from others and try to prevent him or others getting hurt. Try to reassure him he is ok. Encourage him to lay down, hit a cushion, count, have a drink. After it's over give him time to regulate again

That's what I thought about my DS but the psychologist and psychiatrist don't agree. Apparently he makes too much eye contact and it was strongly insinuated that I cause his anxiety with my presence. Not an explanation I thought I'd hear in 2025, but there you go.

(I do take their point that he also bounces from topic to topic like a ping pong ball and makes it extremely clear when his very short attention span for other people's interests runs out).

What do you do if they reply "Yes I DO!" and continue to hit or kick?

Great that he is learning to identify behaviours but he also needs to be taught coping strategies to deal with those emotions.

What I did:

Said "we do not hit".

Bought a pillow for him to hit instead.

Encouraged him to take out his aggression on the pillow.

It did help.

Your response through the door was not strong enough. Can I do anything to help??? He needs a strong “No! Absolutely not acceptable!” After time to cool off I would have had a serious chat. Has this happened before or out of the blue?

Id try to get him on the trampoline etc before anything happens. Bounce as soon as you get home from school. A quick go in the morning if time allows. Or if he says no say fine ok, leave him to it. He may go when you’re not in the room. My youngest can have outbursts (although she’s not violent) and getting outside and on that trampoline works wonders. I can’t wait for the weather to warm up! My friends child who did suspected autistic goes on theirs in all weathers. She said it changed her behaviour after school.

As a one off with a tired child in a fraught situation, no, I don’t necessarily think it’s abnormal. If it’s constant violence and abusive language, that’s not normal (though I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s SEN either). I have an 11 and 6 year old and you should see them fight sometimes. BIL once took a machete to dh’s head at about that age and he still has the scar.

Kids, even perfectly sensible well behaved ones, can kick off. They are still learning how to manage their feelings and emotions. It’s much more about what’s going on in the wider family and also how you tackle it. Getting them to calm down and then having a firm conversation about behaviour and consequences.

Remaining calm rather than shouting back is good but the what can I do to help won't help him much I don't think

What's his screen time like?

You are all much better parents than me. I would have given him a sharp slap and told him to stop. Sometimes children need the shock of a physical punishment.

Good luck op

Oh yes it happens frequently when he doesn’t get his own way. He gets very angry and tries to hit or kick me or his brother. Last week he bit my leg whilst I was trying to get away from him. I smacked him to make him get off me. He was very shocked and upset that I smacked him. However it didn’t stop him hitting me the next time he was angry.

Exactly. This is what he does. Nothing stops him hitting and kicking. This is why I took me and my younger son away into another room and held the door shut. My 6 year old was on the other side of it trying to push it open. That’s why I was trying to calm him down through the door so he’s settle down and I could open the door without one of us being attacked.

We took away Minecraft at the weekend so he now plays no games. Only watches tv for an 30 mins - or so a day. No tablet, he never has had one.

thanks. Yes see my response above. I did that when he bit me however it’s not stopped this behaviour.

I think you need more than a counsellor