Ex partner charged with a child sex offence

[Genevieve79]

The father of my child was arrested in 2022 (two years after we broke up) for sexual communication with a minor online. We have a 7 year old daughter together.

Since his arrest, under police bail conditions, social care have allowed him daytime contact with our daughter under supervision. They didn’t specify a particular person to supervise, but after assessments were done by social care, his new partner was approved to take on that role. I have very little relationship with his new partner and do not particularly trust that she would tell me if anything untoward was happening whilst my daughter is in their care. Neither of them seem to respect my place in this situation or the difficulty involved in navigating it.

My daughter thinks the world of her dad, and when I have stopped contact in the past due to being so unsure of the situation and what I should and shouldn’t be doing, she has been distraught. She currently sees him alternate weekends.

There hasn’t been a sentence yet but that will happen soon. I want to be in a strong place mentally to be able to make decisions myself and fight for what I think should happen after he is given his sentence.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and been torn about what to do? Some of my family and friends say I shouldn’t remove him from my daughters life as he isn’t a threat to her, but others say they wouldn’t let her anywhere near him if they were in my position. I am genuinely torn as to how to move forward.

Please be kind, I’ve never navigated anything like this before and am looking for helpful advice and opinions over anything else.

Thank you.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can only speak of my experience in a slightly more removed sense. I have two men in my dc’s lives (step-grandfathers) who were convicted of child sexual offences. So both people who my dc had contact with but not someone who had a parental relationship with them in the same way.

Me personally, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with contact and neither of them have any contact with my dc. You may or may not have much say about that when it comes down to it. It will likely be decided by the court/SS.

What I would take issue with is the partner as supervisor. For one, partners can come and go. I would want a neutral 3rd party to supervise. Most importantly though, in my experience, the partners of sex offenders are often almost comically blind to abuse taking place right under their noses. They have been groomed too and have a vested interest in their partner not reoffending. Best way to make sure that happens is to not report it even if they see it.

My mum, for example, has seen with her own eyes her partner reoffend with another child (not mine), but crafted a whole narrative around why it’s a completely normal thing for a grown man to do. Because she’s so invested in the story that he has been rehabilitated that she won’t allow herself to think anything else.

By their very nature, partners of sex offenders either believe they didn’t do it, believe they did but are magically fixed now, or are deeply controlled. None of those means they are the best person to supervise an offender’s interactions with a child. With that in mind, I would be much more comfortable with a neutral third party doing the supervision.

While I haven't been in this situation, I'm a Safeguarding Lead and have dealt with several families navigating similar.

You mention waiting for sentence. You realise it's likely to be custodial? That means regular contact will likely stop anyway because he'll be in jail, so not something you need to navigate.

If it was me, I'd assert my parental rights and stop all contact. This will prompt him to have to go to court for contact - it's unlikely to be granted. Social care have made contact as safe as possible, but they can't insist it happens, only family court can.

@mindutopia Thank you so much for this reply. I wish I’d reached out on here sooner.

I think in one sense, prior to the charge being made, there was part of me that was hopeful of this not being as serious as it is. I believe his partner is under the same manipulation I have been subject to from him throughout the investigation. He has twisted the narrative to everyone around him that the police are mistaken and he hadn’t done anything seriously wrong (sparing the details of what has taken place).

You’ve helped me to know my gut feeling is right with regard to the partner supervising contact. She is delusional to have stayed with him throughout this and that has never sat right with me. Nothing has been taken seriously by either of them.

Thank you again for taking the time to share your experience, I’m also sorry to hear of the situation you’ve been in too.

@LittleHangleton Thank you for sharing this.

My gut feeling says life would be easier in some aspects to stop all contact. Trying to make the right choices has caused an enormous amount of stress over the last few years and whilst I hope the decision is taken out of my hands soon, I think some parts of how it will work do fall on me. I am worried every time she goes there incase I’m making poorly judged decisions on letting her be with him.

There isn’t really a third party who could supervise contact, but this is something I can perhaps look in to. From what I know, it’s unlikely the sentence will be custodial but I may be wrong.

If social services have deemed her suitable to supervise contact they will have had to complete an assessment of that. Have you seen a copy of that document?

@LurkyMcLurkinson Yes I’ve seen a copy of all of the assessments. To be honest, SS follow through of care has been very poor. They closed the case last year because they had no further concerns after assessments were done. He has since been charged and awaits sentencing which changes the situation a lot, however I have had to jump through hoops to get them back involved with the case and make sure my daughter is safe. He was supposed to notify them of any progress with the case but didn’t. For now I’ve decided in person contact stops altogether until SS reassess and come back with recommendations.

I think that’s a really reasonable decision. It sounds like ss made 2 questionable decisions, in not recognising he posed a risk and thinking she had the capacity to protect, when if she doesn’t believe the allegation she won’t be able to, so I would be wary about their assessments. When you ask ss to reassess I’d therefore ask them to outsource their risk assessments, either by the Lucy Faithfull foundation or a psychologist. You can also get support from the Lucy Faithfull foundation yourself and I’d highly recommend you do. In the longer term he’ll likely be subject to a sexual harm prevention order which should place restrictions on him around contact with children, but hopefully, although it often doesn’t happen, he’ll get a custodial sentence.

For now I’ve decided in person contact stops altogether until SS reassess and come back with recommendations.

@Genevieve79 I think this is absolutely the right call. It will be so hard for your daughter, but it is in her best interests. I would look into some sort of play therapy for her.

If you do ever decide to allow contact again, you need to stand firm that this should take place at a contact centre- your ex's partner is absolutely not an appropriate person to supervise contact.

I'm so sorry you and your daughter are in this position.

I personally think it's madness that his partner was deemed suitable to be the supervisor. She will be biased towards him and she won't be watching him 24/7 in a normal household. I would want a neutral party to supervise and if that means a contact centre then so be it. I too would stop contact until SS get involved again and reassess based on the charge/sentencing.

Thank you for all the replies. He has now been sentenced, he escaped custodial sentencing and instead has a suspended sentence. The part I am struggling with is the judge ruled that all restrictions with our daughter are lifted, so he can legally see her unsupervised, have her overnight etc.

Social services have stepped in and insisted contact is actually supervised and no overnight stays allowed. He hasn’t had any contact yet because I have not allowed it unless I am present, which he will not agree to.

I am not happy with the situation but as far as I know, if I want to remove access completely I will have to go through the family courts. Does anyone have any experience or advice they can share with me because I am quite daunted by the thought of that process.

Thank you

Op I work in the criminal justice system so I can be a bit blunt at times, so apologies in advance. Do you think your ex may have woven his web around your daughter (not in a sexual way) but as these groomers do, so that non contact makes her feel distraught? If his current partner has drunk the Kool aid, and you've said he's manipulative, he is likely to have done the same with your daughter

A previous poster said that partners are comically in denial, I have also very much seen the same. There is a current post on MN which shows a good 50% of responses would have no issue with a child sex offender being at a kids party.

I'm not 100% sure he would get a custodial, prisons are full, he has a supportive partner. The judge may think it'd be worse for him were he to be in prison. Did he plea guilty? And is he at mags or Crown?

WTF was the judge thinking? He was obviously found guilty so, even though the custodial sentence was suspended, why on earth would he lift all restrictions on contact with his daughter?

Ugh. Just read your update. Has he been given a SHPO? op I don't know if it makes any difference, in my world, a sso is seen as a custodial sentence.
So the judge assessed he needed more than a community order due to his dangerousness but not time in prison (unless he messes up). His probation officer will be working with police and social services. So you might get contact from them

This is a really excellent perspective and I can attest that it is very accurate.

It would perhaps be a good idea to start from the perspective of using an objective third party for contact, at least then you can't be accused of being unreasonable by family courts for trying to obstruct contact, although it should be automatically removed.

You have my greatest sympathy.

Thank you for responding and giving me that insight. He did get an SHPO but all in person contact with minors was removed from the order after his solicitor argued in court that he is a good father (he isn’t), and that he is not a threat in “real life” only online.

He has absolutely woven a web around our daughter. She has been depressed for quite some time now which I find very difficult to see because I don’t know how to help her. For six months he has promised her he will see her soon, tells her she is his world etc but hasn’t made any effort to see her, just send boxes of sweets in the post with manipulative letters about how much he misses her.

It is an incredibly difficult situation to navigate

I honestly have no idea, there was not even a conversation with me prior to that decision being made and it’s caused me hell. I’m constantly torn between her need to have a relationship with him (she really misses him), and my need to protect her from manipulation and God forbid any type of sexual harm.

I’m so sorry I missed this originally but thank you for sharing this - I’m also sorry you’ve had to navigate something similar, it’s very difficult. I agree with you that his partner is likely heavily manipulated, she must be to have stayed. She is however the only person he is pushing to be a supervising person, and there isn’t anyone else (or third party) that’s neutral in our situation to do it in the long term. I genuinely wouldn’t wish these decisions on anyone.

I have an ex who has been to prison for this and if I was in this position I would no way trust his new girlfriend to safeguard my child .

in my experience these men are very secretive , very manipulative and in many cases narcs who think they can get away with anything . He will manipulate her into turning a blind eye and she will do it coz she loves him and trusts him .

I would want someone neutral to safeguard my child . Someone who is trained to see signs or has your child’s best interests at heart , she only has his and her own !

She is however the only person he is pushing to be a supervising person,

It is not reasonable for a person who is happy to be in a romantic relationship with a convicted paedophile to supervise that person's contact with his child.

Her judgement is no better than his. Insist on a third party, if not yourself, and then let him decide. You don't owe him anything. You owe your child protection from him. His current girlfriend isn't the person to be trusted with that.

It would be absolutely no contact for me. Not worth the risk and even more so if another woman has got involved with him knowing he’s a sex offender and has the role of supervising contact. Who the fuck thought that was a good idea?

OP I’m no legal expert but I don’t think you have to go to court to prevent contact. I think HE has to go to court to force contact, if you withhold it.

I’d honestly get legal advice on your situation, because whilst your daughter obviously loves her dad she doesn’t know what’s best for her. What makes her happy and what is best for her may be two different things, and you may need to upset her by withholding contact in order to keep her safe.

Good luck x

If there’s no one who can help with contact I would say he can either have contact in the community with you present (McDonald’s etc) or pay for a private contact centre. If he doesn’t like those options he can pay to take the matter to court.

what a terribly difficult situation for you and your daughter. I’m confused what restrictions the judge lifted at his sentencing? Bail conditions?

The family members who are trying to persuade you that this man poses no threat are dead wrong. Don't listen to them.

The gf being an approved supervisor of visits is absolutely, mind bogglingly wrong. She has every interest in not challenging this man and not speaking up if she sees something untoward. Who approved this outrage?

If you can get a solicitor, please find one who is willing to file a motion for the child to only see her father in an approved contact centre and with social workers observing.

Once sentencing occurs - if it occurs - you will need to speak very openly and honestly with your child and explain what he did and why it is not allowed in our world, and why he has been sentenced (or why he has to abide by whatever rules the judge says he must).

Correct me if I am wrong, but I have a suspicion that this man's criminal activity went far beyond online chat with a minor, or he would not now be awaiting sentencing. Have you seen the charges against him? It's also very unlikely that this was a first offense. It's more likely that this offense was the tip of the iceberg.

Have you spoken about this matter to your child's school at all? They need to be informed that the father is not to be allowed to take her from school, and you need to ask the school for signposting to support services for her.

It would have been sexual communication with a child online, not just general chit chat. That warrants a conviction/sentence understandably.