How to parent a four year old

[Busby88]

Feeling like I’ve done a terrible job of parenting our four year old and just looking for some advice on how to turn things around or reassurance that I’m not completely ruining him.

He has always been a kind, loving and helpful boy. No terrible twos, no temper tantrums, thought we were nailing parenting. He turned three and got a bit more difficult but he had a baby brother arrive just as he turned three so that was understandable. But since he has turned four he has been such such hard work, even more so since starting school.

He can still be loving and kind, but he is also downright naughty. Tonight is just an example. He has thrown food across the room, upended his plate, called everyone horrible names (seems to be learnt from school) and just generally made a mess of the place/ thrown things everywhere. I removed his food and then said I’d take away a new toy for a day if he continued, he genuinely couldn’t care less and carried on. Tried to take him upstairs for time out (we set a timer and sit with him up there, trying to calm him) but he’s lashing out kicking and hitting. In the end I left him in the room alone, he started crying and I then went in and hugged him until he’d calmed down and talked it through, but obviously I can’t physically always just do that as often he will open the door and run out or just destroy the room.

I just don’t know whether any of this is the right approach. We’ve always tried to practice gentle parenting but he’s always been very good and sticking to boundaries until now. We’re trying to have short term relatable consequences but it doesn’t always seem possible or if it is I am just clearly not thinking of the right ones. I am also not an angel and have resorted to shouting at him in the past, usually when tired, I do try to remain calm for him as shouting doesn’t work at all and makes things worse.

I’m just at a loss as to what to do and constantly second guessing if we are doing the right thing.

I hate watching his behaviour suddenly turn, the name calling etc is just not the person I recognise. My mum has witnessed his behaviour recently and has said it’s almost like he’s got two personalities because of how quickly his behaviour just changes.

I know it’s a difficult time being out of routine etc but this has been going on months and I’m just worried that our parenting approach is making things better than worse.

Sorry for the long post, thanks for reading if you got this far and any advice welcome.

Four was horrific with my eldest.

And it's shaping up to be just as crappy with my second too.

Hang in there. It ends.

@Nextyearhopes can assure you I am in no way terrified of him 😂

@BertieBotts that book is only 99p on kindle so I’ve just downloaded, sounds great, thank you!

@LostittoBostik My 18 month old throws epic tantrums in a way his older brother never did so I’m REALLY hoping he’s getting it out of the way early…. Good to know it does pass

Well, terrified of upsetting him.

I think I managed about 30 seconds of him crying today

Why can you only hack 30 seconds? Leave him yell. He’ll get the message. If it’s the noise, get headphones.

Agree with the early posts - be curious about why this is happening. If it’s out of character/ a new phase, at least find out what’s going on below the surface for your child.

If it is sibling jealously, for example, empathising with him might go a long way to helping him feel understood, and that in turn can curb some of the worst of the behaviour.

Wrong again, not terrified of upsetting him. I guess if anything terrified of taking the wrong approach so his behaviour gets worse rather than better. And sorry but I think putting headphones on to drown out the noise of your four year old hysterically crying is abhorrent.

I think something I had to learn was that in order for them to learn how to manage their emotions, they do need some practice at doing it - they need some experience of the fact that they can be upset and the feeling will pass, by itself, without adult intervention. If 30 seconds is your limit and you have to somehow make him stop crying by soothing/distracting or negotiating (aka stretching the boundary...) then he isn't getting practice. I don't mean that you should stick headphones in and ignore him while smirking and making "I can't hear you!!" gestures. But basically figuring out how to calm your own alarm systems blaring that he is in danger so that you can be a calm, regulating, confident presence and remind yourself that he is capable, and he will get through this because it's OK for him to be upset or frustrated or disappointed or whatever.

The buttons book does help hugely with this. I found it like therapy in a book!

Will see if I can find some good Janet Lansbury posts too because I find her really brilliant with how she walks the line between compassion for the child's distress while helping you not over-intervene as the adult.

https://www.janetlansbury.com/2019/01/stop-being-a-captive-to-your-childrens-emotions/

https://www.janetlansbury.com/2019/10/our-biggest-challenge-as-parents/

https://www.janetlansbury.com/2023/03/what-to-do-and-not-do-when-kids-have-meltdowns-tantrums-strong-emotions/

I also love the training videos by Conscious Discipline - they are designed for schools but they are so well made they often work for home as well. If you can find an interview with the founder (Rebecca/Becky A Bailey) on a podcast they are worth listening to. For example:
https://consciousdiscipline.com/videos/how-to-go-conscious-not-crazy-with-our-kids/

Another tip that might help is to put them in the garden for 20 mins play if you have one.

It gives them time to be on their own and play (the equivalent of doing a hobby or going to a cafe for adults) - it's time out of socialising which can be quite tiring at this time of year if they've seen lots of family.

I used to have time nearly every day when they were in the garden on their own whatever the weather (just dress them for it). It really calms them down and gives everyone some space. I think it really helps them develop some maturity.

I totally agree with @KP1989 with everything they say.

Children need boundaries and guidance, you are the parent, they are the child. I don’t think gentle parenting works unless you have a gentle child.

i know my friend tried gentle parenting and is now struggling with her child’s behaviour. She’s now introducing boundaries that should have been introduced 4 or 5 years ago.

i work in early years and have some “challenging” children however recently we have had parents who have admitted they never say no, never give them into trouble and don’t set boundaries, they now realise that these need to be out in place to ensure a more content child, enabling their child to deal with their emotions,

@madroid that’s a great shout! He loves the garden and is out there all weathers but would never think to purposely suggest it when he’s acting out

Time out is pointless and doesn't teach them to deal with their emotions. Use Time In, where you say ' You clearly cant play nicely with you will need to sit with me until you can manage to play properly;, then keep them with you until they turn it around. Help them know how to calm down - say 'take your breaths'. Be strict with it and complete firm boundaries and help them learn those boundaries. if they hit someone at soft play for example, its an immediate removal and time in with you in the car on the way home. If they throw a toy say, 'clearly this toy is too much for you right now, I will confiscate it and you will sit with me until you can play nicely again, you are far too lovely to break your toys like this, take your breaths'. Take your breaths with them so they learn to control their dysregulation. Put up on the wall a clear list of rules - even if they can't read they can see it as a visual clear reminder and every time there is a break of a rule you take them to it and read it through together again -ie no hiting, no hurting, no biting etc. Choose your family rules together and make them definite and easy. When its things that aren't appropropriate but not horrendous eg rudeness like 'get me a drink' say ' um no thankyou, try that again properly please' politely and firmly - second chances are fair when they are learning (not not ok when hiting/hurting etc zero tolerance to that).
4 years old are just learning and need firm clear boundaries/rules but they dont learn in time out they need help with it all as much as anything.

@tonyhawks23 that sounds exactly what we have been doing and it isn’t working.

This really isn't very concrete advice but I have a 4 year old and think I'm pretty good at gentle parenting but, honestly, sometimes at the moment she just needs a bollocking. And it does seem to help her. Also, if she takes herself off for a cry and a rage, I just let her go and tell her I'll be here when she's done and wants to come back.

But mostly, solidarity. It does seem to be quite a cross age and I'm not sure anyone warns you!

My four year old is going through similar.

I think Christmas is overwhelming…
We’ll be doing it differently, next year.

I try to reason / talk. DH favours shouting.

I know that you mentioned that you thought it wasn’t his hearing, but it might be worth a check if you haven’t already.

My 4 year old has glue ear and his behaviour is nothing short of abysmal when he has an ear infection (which he has a lot). He never complains of pain when he has an ear infection, it shows itself in his behaviour and we only find out for sure when we take him to the Dr. When we get the ear infection under control he is back to his normal self. The glue ear also causes mild hearing loss which doesn’t seem to be a problem at home where it is quiet, but school is very noisy and sometimes he tunes out, I assume as it is an effort for him to hear fully.

All that to say it might be worth getting his ears checked out regardless.

Good luck!

@Busby88Just wondering if things have changed at all over the last few months/if you found any strategy that’s worked. I have a nearly 4 year old that seems to have developed some awful temper tantrums/outbursts in recent weeks. Would be great to know if anything worked well for you!