This is long so thank you if you have time to read and help. 🙏
My healthy, engaged, switched on, happy boy can occasionally have massive, massive tantrums / meltdowns. I think it's normal? (Only child) but would value some advice from experienced distanced with this.
I've read all the books and followed all the advice online plus Instagram parenting tips etc etc, but I find it's not that realistic. Example, there's a whole script they advise you to use, but my son is not in listening mode when he's mid tantrum.
Also the advice is remove him and put him in a safe small contained space to hash out the tantrum, but this usually just isn't possible for 2 reasons:
- He's too heavy and strong and if I try to pick him up he'll fight me, kick out etc and my back can't do it plus I'm wrestling him which is only making things more stressful.
- If we are outside in the street or something there is nowhere contained I can take him.
I would really like to know what tactics others use with 4 year olds. It's different from when he was a toddler and more scary in a way as he's so much bigger. I just don't know how to handle it. I'm feeling a bit frightened that I'm going about it all wrong and not helping him to be honest.
For anyone who's got the time to kindly read this, I've described a recent meltdown below in detail. I'm wondering how I could have handled this better, so that's why I've written it out with what I was thinking at the time. I'd appreciate no unkind judgements as I'm giving myself a hard time, but I'm looking for constructive ideas.
Thank you 🙏 in advance for any thoughts.
(Also if anyone asks about context, we have no evidence of ND, school say he's doing brilliantly, he's been star of the week a few times already. He's quite a sensitive boy, and very energetic, intelligent I think, engaged , interested etc. we have a structured bedtime routine and early bedtime, although he has been waking up a few times in the night recently.)
Example of a tantrum last week:
when I picked him up from school.
Gave him a cuddle, showed him I was happy to see him, he seemed fine. Our home is a 5 minute walk from school btw. Once we had come out of the gate and walked down the street he suddenly stopped and decided he wanted to go all the way back in to say goodbye to his friends who were still waiting for their parents. This was seemingly random and not something he's ever asked so I had absolutely no idea where it had come from but he was really distressed about it and I could tell by his demeanour that a meltdown was coming - you just know. In my head I was weighing up, do I let him go back, do I say no or do I try to distract him. (We were 30seconds down the road already, and there is a one-way system in the school so we would have to walk all the way round again to get back to his classroom.) So I tried to distract him with exciting things at home but he kept going on and then broke away from me and started running back to school really fast. (The gate locks behind you btw so we would have to walk all the way back through the one-way system the school to find his friends). Anyway I was running after him thinking 'ok this is inconvenient but if it matters so much I can just let him go back and see his friends if it means he doesn't have a meltdown'.
However when we arrived at the classroom he then said "no I don't want to" and again seemed very distressed. I got down on his level and asked if he was sure, and gently said it was no problem either way, but he said no he didn't want to say goodbye to his friends and was agitated / distressed on the verge of meltdown I could tell.
So then we started walking back out the school to home again. Just as we got through the exit gate and just as it closed shut behind us he started wailing "I want to say goodbye to my friends"! It was like he was playing a game but at the same time I could see he was really agitated and ready to meltdown.
My heart sank at this point! I was thinking how in earth can I get him away as I thought if I could just get him home he'd forget about this. I had a snack in my pocket which I offered but that didn't distract him. By now he was screaming to go back into the school and say goodbye to his friends. My brain was working through all the options but I didn't know what to do. I started thinking I can't let him go back in again as I need to be strong and be in charge at this moment, and I know he'll change his mind again and it's some sort of strange dance - he's done this changing his mind thing before. I need to get him away from here and focussed on something else. So I said "oh darling we can't go back in now as the school is closing but we will see your friends tomorrow, I know let's go and make granny's Christmas card". But he was now screaming and in full meltdown.
I tried to pick him up but he was lashing out, screaming etc. there were parents coming out of the school gate and looking at us which is never nice and he started screaming "you're hurting me", which clearly I wasn't doing. I said "I can't let you back into the school now as the gate is closed and we'd have to walk all the way round again so it would take too long as it's home time. Let's go home", but he was in full meltdown.
Anyway long story short I struggled to carry him back to our home with him screaming and crying the whole way. He was shouting at the top of his voice "put me down I don't like it". At one stage I stopped as my back was so sore and he softly said in my ear "mummy keep walking". I started walking again and he then shouted "put me down". Very odd - changeable almost performative behaviour?
When we got home I got him inside the house but he was screaming and lashing out and trying to get out of the front door which he is able to open. Our house is directly on the road so I was saying "I can't let you out onto the road as it's not safe" but he was thrashing, screaming, red faced completely overwhelmed with cortisol shouting "I don't like you you're boring" and he hit me on my body a few times. I said "I can't let you hit me" and moved his hands away.
It took about 10 minutes to fade down into some kind of calm. In that time I sat low with my back against the front door and he was raging.
I had a conversation sometime later when he was calm (spoke about hitting) but didn't get much out of him.