Unsporty/uncoordinated child - how much to push to do things?

[notsporty]

My DD1 is 5 and has never been a sporty kind of child. She's quite uncoordinated, struggles with stuff like riding a bike, we are going to swimming lessons with a 1:2 ratio and it's clear how far off the other kids she is, it's like she can't do two things at the same time, or like she can't process how to kick her legs as well as be floating. She is coming on but very very slowly, and I find it really upsetting (I don't show it to her) watching the gap between her and other kids widen when it comes to being physical. Stuff like climbing as well she's pretty poor at.

To give another example, she took ages to learn how to balance her weight on a swing properly to stop herself just slipping off. To me it seemed like such a natural just kind of thing to move your body weight so you don't fall off, but she couldn't balance that way. Even now she's very precarious. She also can't jump onto swings like her pals, I still have to lift her if it's too high. Never got the hang of a balance bike.

She was always kind of on the later end with gross motor milestones, still within range but near the end age rather than start. Her younger sibling is totally different and I would say almost more physically able in some ways already despite the 3-year age gap.

She's active enough, we walk to school and back every day which is about 15 mins each way, she rides her scooter (she can manage the 3-wheel one) and likes running and dancing, the trampoline, she goes for long walks with her dad at weekends, she has two PE days at school a week.

She's incredibly crafty and creative, interested in languages, singing, she's a very healthy child, rarely ill, doing fine at school, fine at home although she has her moments as all 5yos do!

At what point do I stop trying to push her to do this stuff and just accept that it's not for her? We keep trying the bike as so many of her pals are out and about on them, but she has very little interest in the first place. But then I feel we are doing her a disservice by not having her keep up with her friends. She was invited to a bike party over the summer and had to take her scooter because she can't ride her bike, and then just got left behind as she was a lot slower.

Swimming I know is a 'life skill' so we shall persevere with it but the progress is glacial because she just seems so uncoordinated and unaware.

I feel awful because I feel myself getting so frustrated I wasn't a sporty kid myself but I learned to ride a bike etc at the 'usual' age without any real problems.

Has anyone else had this issue or has any insight?

Yes there may be

Weirdly consider martial arts as an approach and alternative. It's very individual. You aren't on a team, so not 'holding others back'
It's highly repetitive, doing the same techniques over and over develops muscle memory and helps coordination. Balance improves with practice.
Kids clubs will understand child development but look at them carefully and avoid clubs that give belts to kids just for turning up(and parents paying) ..'McDojo'
At the other end of age spectrum, I took it up to help with all those skills which ill health had depleted.

She sounds like I was as a child. I still can’t throw, catch, ride a bike or swim. Anything that needs co-ordination is a nightmare. I was always last to be chosen for team sports but was really good at running for some reason.

Learning to drive was problematic as I also struggle with my left and right. It was a family joke that I could trip over nothing! But my fine motor skills are good and I can sew, knit and crochet really well.

I would recommend getting a physio and OT (sensory) assessment. Sounds like assessing for Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD) could be appropriate.

This approach could help:

www.icancoop.org

She's very crafty, she can do Lego kits for much older kids with no problems, far better than I can! I'm forever dropping stuff. And she does great stuff with hama beads and things. She's a very happy, friendly little girl, I just don't want to let her down.

Interesting about the martial arts. She did used to do dancing but it moved to another day and then clashed with her French class and she chose French as she really loves it. But maybe I should explore different days. She does swimming, French and Rainbows currently, so maybe I should try to find room for another active thing. Just difficult fitting it all in and I don't want to overcommit her to extra-curricular stuff in her first year of school. But maybe something at the weekend.

I will put an e-consult in with GP to have a chat too. And maybe ask her teacher if she's noticed anything.

My DD has coordination difficulties but not dyspraxia (DCD). We did have an OT assessment a few years ago though which was useful, I would recommend getting a referral for your DD. She learned to ride a bike properly at age 6 and learned to swim well enough at a similar age. She did gymnastics for a couple of years. She tried cricket and dance clubs too. We did lots of active stuff that doesn't require too much skill like parks, walks, swimming for fun etc in holidays. She's 13 now and doesn't do any sports out of school any more but I think it was important in the primary school years.

Dancing would be good too...anything with repetitive movement and development of limb coordination..

How much time has she had as a toddler or preschooler just doing free play at the playground?

Swings? Roundabout? Climbing? Monkey bars (at first supported by an adult)? Just running around and jumping on and over things. Is that something you do regularly with her?

Loads! We went all the time as a toddler, probably 3+ times a week, and met up with other kids her age too. Soft play once a week. During Covid a lot of playdates were at parks for obvious reasons, once lockdown was relaxed a bit. We still go frequently now we have little sister too. She's very active in the house, lots of jumping, rough play with DH and DD2.

We have a big climbing frame with slide, climbing wall, swings in garden that she has free access to, along with the trampoline. She rarely uses the swing, but she does use the trampoline a lot.

DH made a comment that wound me up that said 'oh maybe we just haven't done enough with her'. When I've spent her entire life taking her bloody everywhere, I was climbing up soft play equipment with her at 38 weeks pregnant, she did dancing for a year, she's done swimming lessons for almost two years, I sat freezing my arse off in the middle of nowhere while she went to drama club, we've done sign language classes, language classes, nature walks through the woods with the dog.

I know he didn't mean anything critical of me by it but it pissed me off like he was just oblivious to the volume of stuff I have done with her. We were out every day, even with newborn DD2 we continued doing all her stuff and DD2 just came along in the sling.

I think he just feels that there's nothing wrong and it's our fault or is easily rectified by us 'doing more', but I'm not sure what 'doing more' looks like with two working parents and another child.

She sounds like my eldest who is dyspraxic, hypermobile and has ASD. She's never going to be the captain of the hockey team but we have really gently persevered. She needed a swim teacher who got her (and now swims 2x a week with a disability group) and we kept very gently on with the bike and she got it when she was nearly 9 (her sibling managed it at just 3 for contrast!). Both were important to us as we cycle for transport and do a lot of swimming. DH and I are quite sporty.

Dh did loads of ball stuff with her and she is actually now within normal range for ball skills although it was extreme effort. She likes hiking.

I think concentrate on being active and looking for chances to practice the skills in a low pressure environment. Sometimes parents are not great at teaching bike riding either so it might be worth looking round for sessions and it takes the pressure off your relationship. Playgrounds, soft play, does she like trampolining? We did that loads when she was little and it's fab if they are a bit wobbly. A club might be better than a tramp park. Take her swimming just to muck about for fun, with some toys.

If she does have something going on it's even more important to keep her strong, for life, so don't 'stop' but just know she will likely get there a lot later.

She was quite a late walker, not late enough to cause anyone concern particularly though, She was almost 15 months, and very slow to roll and crawl too but again, still just within 'normal' limits.

DD2 by contrast took her first steps at 9 months and was crawling at 5 months.

They were incredibly different as babies. DD1 was always content just to sit, she was an early sitter, way before the other babies in the antenatal group (I have a hilarious pic of her sitting bolt upright while the other three babies are slumped around her having toppled over ). But she never really bothered trying to roll and crawled around 10 months. But she was always happy to sit at baby classes and not be overly mobile, whereas with DD2 (2) she is very active all the time, she's grasped a balance bike easily, she can ride a scooter, she can pedal a trike, she's adept at climbing.

So that makes me feel better that it's nothing we've 'done' I suppose.

I'm really grateful for all these replies by the way. They've given me a lot to look into and talk to GP about.

I would mention it to the GP. It could be dyspraxia.
The most important thing is that she is active which she seems to be with the walking, scooter, trampoline. I would keep at the swimming because it's important.
I was absolutely terrible at PE at school. Couldn't catch a ball. Very uncoordinated in things like gymnastics and dancing. Terrible at running and team sports.
I'm now nearly 50 and I'm the one who has remained the most active of my contemporaries because I'm into long-distance hiking and cross-country skiing. I found things I could do - I have a lot of stamina.
I really wouldn't worry about it from that point of view. She doesn't have to be good at any sports or activities in particular, she just needs something to keep her fit.

It sounds like very likely might be an underlying issue so definitely a GP visit might be in order.

But please don't fall into the trap that so many parents of primary age children do of over scheduling her free time with organised activities. She's young now but she's going to start comparing herself to others and may become discouraged. It may not be a popular opinion and I know it's difficult with the weather getting darker but your best bet imo would be to build up her physical skills separately yourself through continuing the playground time and (if you have a decent one near you) soft play time. Classes aren't going to necessarily give her the time she needs to build up these skills if she's struggling to do some of the activities. I'd continue working on the basics in your position.

We considered learning to swim to the point she could get across the pool a safety issue. We didn’t care about perfecting strokes, just being able to save herself in the water. We did have to try several schools and instructors until we found a good match and it took years to get dd to that point.

we finally gave up on the bicycle. She can drive a car now, but she can’t ride a bicycle. If she ever wants to learn, I think we will need to use an occupational therapist.

we had a family policy of always having a formal physical activity of some kind, but that got paused with Covid and we didn’t make her go back. By that point she was 12 and was just so far behind everyone else physically she really couldn’t catch up.

we never got a dyspraxia diagnosis, I think because where we live they don’t really do that formally. We did get an ASD diagnosis and that is considered part of her presentation.

no one needs to be sporty. Your daughter needs to find physical activities she enjoys so she can stay fit. That can be something as simple as taking a walk while listening to an audiobook or doing yoga.

My son is very severely dyspraxic. It's very hard to get him to do anything because he is substantially worse than his peers. But exercise is important for health so I think it's important to throw stuff at them and see if there are things that they can tolerate. Things that haven't worked is any team sports, ball sports or anything too competitive. He managed street dance and karate for a bit, but always hit a wall where his peers were so far ahead that it became not fun.

It took me three years to teach him to ride a bike and an ot bike group and a fifty quid manual handling belt. He also ended up with a very expensive, very light bike. He learnt at ten. He now cycles 4 miles to and from school every day. The most success I have had is when I did things with him rather than him doing things with his peers. So for example, going for a run together or playing badminton. Swimming took so long and unless he goes every week, he thinks he forgets how to swim.

However 5 is still so little and she may be a later bloomer. At five, DS was doing a bit of everything. Children with Co ordination difficulties can learn to do things, just takes more practice!

My DS is similarly uncoordinated. In his case It's combination of hypermobility and autism affecting his sense of where his limbs are, but there could be a number of reasons, or no reason at all.

Once we got into occupational therapy, they were fantastic. They even ran special bike riding lessons over the summer for kids with that kind of difficulty. It took 10 hours of lessons with both sports coaches and OT team, but DS learned to ride at age 8.

I would seek a referral to Occupational Therapy for a DCD assessment.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/developmental-coordination-disorder-dyspraxia/

The 'Dys' family LOVE to hang out together and often comorbid with autism and hypermobility.

I would continue with swimming and add in recreational swimming more as a way of making other muscles stronger in a low impact way but adjust my expectations, it's more hydrotherapy.

Hypermobility watch out for sprains and stress, excess bending of fingers when holding a pen/pencil, use thicker ones and writing grips. Likely to get handcramps and struggle with writing / colouring. Do fine motor skills practice like lots of play dough of picking beans etc up with a peg.

Dysgraphia, poor writing skill and illegible writing often linked with hypermobility.

Dyslexia comes in more than one form not likely not to be diagnosed until 8. Work in tactical letter shapes, using air dry clay to make some letter shapes

Sounds like it could be dyspraxia. My DS9 has it and like your DD was on the late side for all gross motor milestones but not late enough to warrant investigation. I self referred him to OT via the GP when he was 7 and the report made it clear he has DCD, he scored on the 2nd centile for motor difficulties. He could ride a bike age 4 though.

My tip would be to stick at physical activities, but find something she enjoys, or at least will tolerate regularly. My DS quite enjoyed swimming, although I think he should be better than he is by now, he does cycling and football. He’s hopeless at football so I do find it painful sometimes but compared with how he was when he started he’s improved so much and he often wins the most improved player award, his coaches always comment on his progress. He’s also not horrendous at middle distance type running (junior park run sort of thing rather than sprinting) and tends to come middling for his age group so we do that sort of thing too. His score has actually improved in the last year and I think because we have kept the physical activities regularly.

I’m certain I have DCD too but I’m a good (well, better than average!) runner. It’s about finding something she enjoys.

Is she interested in riding a bike and swimming?
My son is a very talented ballet and tap dancer. Not the slightest bit interested in swimming or cycling, so he can’t do it. Falls over his iwn feet in football, outright refuses rugby.
But put him on a dance floor (in a dance genre he likes - he‘s hopeless at street or hiphop!), and he‘s amazing

I could have written your follow up post. My eldest was actually 20 months and talking in full sentences before she walked and has always been late to every gross motor skill - eg hopping, jumping, stairs one by one etc.

She reaches them all eventually though. So I'm trying not to stress about the swimming and cycling while still going for lessons for both

People have their strengths and their weaknesses. By focusing on her weaknesses which may have a medical explaination you are doing a huge disservice to her.

Could it also be nothing rather than one of the many conditions people are putting on this child… I am same as OP daughter. Late to walk, sat around baby. Terrible at all sports, terrible coordination, apparently I ‘run funny’. I came last in every sports day activity in school every year. I’ve never managed to get into a sports team. I remember being taken aside at a sports camp where a determined coach gave me one on one coaching to just catch the ball and failed to teach me!! I am perfectly healthy and leading a perfectly happy life, my strengths were in academia and music not in physical areas. I’ve never been diagnosed with a condition. Even now a trainer I see for exercise tells me that my performance is ‘good considering it’s me’.

Do you think?

I often think if we work on our weaknesses the improve and become less of a weakness.

not to focus on them as such, but a weekly ballet lesson for a dyspraxic child will improve the issue.

same as any other medical issue- dylexia, do you ignore that or work on it so reading becomes easier.

those with eds/hypermobilty, their weakness is strength- but if the work on that they can improve joint stability and reduce issues caused by mobility.

i coached a dyspraxic kid once in gymnastics. By 15 he was winning British disability gymnastics championships. His parents had only started him in it to help him learn balance and general movement skills, but he loved it and turned the weakness into a strength.