9 year old girl friendship angst

[Fluffyflipflop]

Hiya, hoping to get some advice on how to help my daughter navigate some issues she’s been having with her small female friendship group for the last year.

My daughter goes to a very small primary school, there are only 2 other girls in her class and a few more boys.

She has always been very close friends with one of these 2 girls, from toddler age. We were in a bubble during covid, she has come on holiday with us etc and we are friendly-ish with her parents (have had meals together etc, but not close). To be honest this little girl has always felt like part of our family and perhaps something I started to take for granted.

This best friend and the other little girl have always played as a happy little trio, getting along really well. All of us mums have said how lucky we feel that our daughters have such a solid friendship group.

However, about 18 months ago, the best friend started to clearly favour the other girl in the trio. It started in quite a harmless way way, always picking the other girl to be partners with for example. Then gradually actively excluding my daughter, sometimes ignoring her completely for week . The last year at school has been awful with the behaviour becoming bullying. The ‘best friend’ pushing my daughter over, purposely kicking a football at her head etc. My daughter stopped wanting to go to school. It also extended to online, where she would be invited into a group chat and then actively ignored within the chat (this was quickly resolved by not allowing any more group chats but at the time it added to the consistency of it all)

I spoke to her teacher who was able to tackle the aggressive behaviour, but of course the more subtle stuff (like whispering, sniggering and excluding) is harder to see and to stop.

I have talked to her mother about this and she says her daughter denies the whole thing. That as far as her daughter is concerned, they are still best friends and love each other. And perhaps my daughter is just imaging things or being sensitive.

Of course, we supported our daughter through this, explained that we can’t force others to like us or want to be our friends. Told her that we loved her and tried to
build her confidence, reminding her how brilliant she is. We encouraged her to branch out and make friends with the boys, who tend not to get bitchy or catty. And she did really well, she made some lovely boy pals and started to worry less about her old best friend who didn’t seem to like her anymore.

Every now and then she gets a little sad, looks at old photos and mourns their old friendship. She’s quite a nostalgic little girl, but she had got through the worst of it and the future was looking a little brighter.

Then…

During the early part of the summer holidays, the old best friend got in touch over text message and said she really missed being friends with our daughter and could they be best friends again? My daughter immediately forgives and forgets the entire year of heartache and they spent a couple of days chatting, sharing photos (all very closely monitored by me) and my daughter was walking on air. She was so so happy that her old best friend was back and she could go back to school with a buddy. As it was going so well, I arranged a play date and took them both to the seaside for the day. They got on like a house on fire and it was really lovely.

However, from the very next day (and the 2 weeks since) this friend has completely ghosted my daughter. Once again she’s being invited into group chats with the other girl and then actively ignored when she says hi or tries to join in with the conversation. Of course I’ve had to put a stop to the group chats again. But for my daughter this feels like a massive rejection and she’s now dreading going back to school.

It genuinely feels like she’s been hoovered and ghosted, narcissist style. (I appreciate this is unfair, they are only 9!)

Im not sure what I want to hear, but perhaps some advice about how to help her navigate through this. My daughter has lost a lot of confidence over the last year, has stopped going to all the clubs she was in, and doesn’t even want to go to the park for fear of one of the girls being there. She point blank refuses to join any clubs at all now. Almost panicking at the idea, and I don’t want to put pressure on her. She used to be so sociable but now says things like “I’m weird” “people just don’t like me” etc 😢

I realise children are fickle and I only know her side of the story. But my daughter is a nice kid, she’s polite and kind and funny. If anything she wears her heart on her sleeve too much, making her a bit vulnerable.

Ive suggested changing schools and my daughter absolutely hates the idea and absolutely begged me not to do it. Plus, I think there may be more value in learning how to deal with this situation rather than run away from it? But what do I know, I feel like I’m completely failing at this so open to all suggestions.

Thank you

I had this about your daughters age…

I had a “best friend’ for a year and then suddenly and with out warning she switched to another girl. I was so very upset about it all… I was 8 years old at the time.

I then started to make new friends and like you said with boys. The girls end up best friends for about a year and the the other girl found a new best friend. My original best friend tried to return but at this point I had other friends and it wasn’t the same again.

I would say to you, it hurt your daughter now… but it’s an important life lesson… people are thickle and it will help her build resilience and new skills in making friends.

I’m in my 40s, and it impacted me in the way … I’ve never truly had a best friend. I’ve very social and have multiple friends but not one best friend. When I went to secondary school it gets worse and bullying ramps up.

i found the people most stable in school were the ones with a social life at home … I.e they has extensive family they were committed too or sport and program with other friends. School was just a gap and actually they too busy with their home life to have school friends.

I would encourage your daughter to forget about the friend and try to avoid her now she shown her true colours. Time to make new friends and hobbies…you might need to help with confidence again… but with kids it usually bounces back.

I had a friend exactly like this from primary through to secondary. She was my neighbour. She would repeatedly pick me up and drop me... spread lies about me if anyone new came into our friendship group, try and stop me becoming friends with anyone else, deliberately not involve me in parties and days out etc. I was a very fragile, emotionally child and didn't challenge her behaviour. Eventually after we turned 16 and I went to 6th form and her to college I finally gained some confidence and felt happier with my "tribe".

Unless your daughter can break away from her and find new friends who won't take this girls behaviour then she's in for a bumpy ride 😕

Hi OP I’m sorry I missed the bit where you said you she was communicating via your phone and the iPad rather than having her own phone. Regardless of this though I really think you should disable this feature. I agree with this advice from @violetcuriosity ”let home be a space where she can't be contacted and the dynamics can't invade that safe space, at least until she's older and more resilient.”

I also have a 9yo DD (going into year 5) and the drama in her class this past year has been a lot. I’m bracing myself for it to get worse but I am there to support my DD if she wants to talk, otherwise I keep well out of it. Her class is small, with way more boys than girls. The girls in her class are split between those who talk to each other online a lot, are growing up fast and acting like mini teenagers, and those who are pretending they are unicorns etc. My DD leans more towards the make believe play children (a mix of boys and girls) and although she’s friendly with all the girls, she’s not in with the more, what she calls, sassy girls and she is fine with that. One girl has asked my DD several times to join Roblox so they can chat. It’s a hard no from me and luckily my DD isn’t fussed. She hasn’t had any contact with her classmates over the summer but I’m sure they will pick it all up again when they go back to school next week and the dynamics will change over and over.

I would say don’t be too invested in who her friends are and trying to make sure she’s in with the “cool” crowd. Let her be herself, she’ll find her people. And no I don’t force my child to do clubs they don’t want to do.

Thank you, this is a lovely reply. And really helpful.

I absolutely think your daughter has got it right. Could she coach mine? 😂

My mums advice has always been to keep well out of it, on the basis that she needs to navigate this and build the life skills required organically. I absolutely did stay out of it until the bullying at school was becoming physical and she was crying every night, I had to step in then. Now she confides in me a lot about it. I think it’s important for me to listen and validate her feelings. But I do need absolutely need to have a more optimistic mindset about it, it’s been a really tough year so it’s hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s important.

@Fluffyflipflop you did absolutely the right thing intervening in your situation and I hope the school deal with it effectively.

The thing I have always wanted for my DD is to be true to herself and surround herself with people who make her life better and avoid those who don’t. There is nothing to gain from forcing friendships, this one has fizzled out and turned sour. I know it’s difficult though with only three girls in the class but there are hopefully other people (boys, girls in other year groups) who she has more in common with.

Just a thought OP- do you happen to be friendly with anyone who runs an after school group for slightly younger children than your DD ( thinking Rainbows/Beavers type of thing). I wondered whether someone might be able to help your DD by needing help at the club they run for younger ones - helping with craft activities, modelling how to play games etc. - so that her confidence is built. Could work for your DD as it wouldn’t be a club she was going to, just an activity where her help was needed, IYSWIM.

It might turn out that some of the younger children have lovely older siblings too, possibly kids from school that she wouldn’t have seen as potential friends previously.

@ShillyShallySherbet your post struck me as recently the same here, right down to Roblox and the word sassy!

I'm going through this at the moment. My girl and her best friend since nursery have always been joined at the hip. More recently due to childcare arrangements - my daughters best friends parents have been taking care of another child in class - which has blossomed into a friendship - now these 2 girls are inseparable and my dd doesn't get invited to the park although we live 2 doors away, they invite her to group chats then insult her, She is going through the same at school on the low level bullying, whispering, not partnering, making other children stare at her, have private talks about her, get the boys to call her ugly. She was always so confident but now she won't go out and wants to be with me all the time. Last week her bestie called on her, I was reluctant to let her go but she insisted, she came home as high as the clouds she was full of smiles, today they've again gone without her and walked past waving. The 2nd girl she's not close woth and have no main interests so she finds it hard to bond with her, but wants to except she's not getting the opportunity! She's really struggling at the moment. And I'm not sure how to help her, other than support her, feel so helpless

Oh this is horrible. Isn’t it fascinating how similar the behaviours are, even though these are kids at (possibly) different ends of the country?

It’s been 8 months since I posted that original post. It might be helpful if I give an update.

I did manage to stay positive around her. I spent a lot of time generally bigging her up. Telling her how proud I am of her, what a lovely kind person she is. And generally positively reinforcing all of her good traits.

I encouraged her to judge a friendship on how it makes her feel and viewing that as the most important thing. Kids are nostalgic and duration of friendship is very important to them (she’s my first friend, she’s my oldest friend etc) and I felt it was important to change that narrative as it was trapping her into preserving something that didn’t exist anymore.

There was a stage where I had to go through all my old photos and delete the crap to free up storage and my daughter loves that kind of thing for some reason 😂 . We found hundreds of photos of this friend from the days when they were good friends (about 4 years worth of photos). We talked about the good times, and how things felt different then. And how people change all the time, particularly when they are children and developing. We remembered that this girl is a nice kid deep down but currently behaving differently, and it’s ok to keep her at arms length whilst that’s happening.

The messages on her iPad (via my phone) stopped being an issue early on because I deleted those apps (as I’ve said in previous posts). But, interestingly, we ended taking the whole iPad away some time last year, as an experiment at first, but she felt so much better in so many ways that she never asked for it back. She never has access to my phone so she is completely screen free. I highly recommend it.

How do you know they will be nice at the new school?

What the fuck are 9 year olds doing texting each other? They are just too young to understand the social norms around online communication.

Language Timothy! 😂

Interestingly, we attended one of the KS2 school assembly’s just before the Easter holidays and there were 2 police officers doing a short talk on online safety. They asked the children to put their hand up if they used WhatsApp and about 70% raised their hand. Not my daughter, who has no access to any screens. TikTok was shocking, I’d say it was 90%

So texting does seem to be the norm.

Im not sure I agree that supervised text messaging between friends is necessarily a bad thing. But most parents who say they’re supervising phone activity, actually aren’t. Children as young as 9 know how to delete a message.

She didn’t ever stop going to school. But it’s a lot better now.

in light of your recent update, I just dropped by to say you sound like a lovely mum. I think you’ve handled it well.

Are you sure this wasn’t more like kids saying yeah I know what WhatsApp / TikTok is and have sent the odd message on a parents’ account / watched the odd video, so am going to put my hand up.

There definitely are groups of 9yo children exposed to WhatsApp/tiktok but I really don’t think it’s the norm. Or you’d be very unlucky to be in a class like that at least. Mind you I assume it steadily gets worse from y5/6 (dc in y4).

I’m absolutely certain.

The question was “hands up if you use TikTok!” And “Hands up if you comment on tik tok videos?” and “who posts tiktok videos?”.

There were questions about WhatsApp such as “Hands up if you ever sent a photo over WhatsApp?” “What about video?” and “who here is in a group chat on WhatsApp”

The vast majority answered yes to all.

I would have assumed the same as you, until I sat in that assembly. Turns out that just because something doesn’t fit your values or feels hard to believe, doesn’t mean it can’t be true.

I’ve since spoken to 2 other parents about that assembly and most have said they have no concerns about their child’s use of TikTok and WhatsApp as they keep a close eye on it.

Fair enough - thanks for clarifying! How awful. I’m pretty sure that’s not the norm in dc’s year, who is 9, but as I say, maybe it’s coming soon 😣 I only know of two in the class with a phone.

My daughter is in year 5 and 10yrs old (she was in year 4 and 9yrs old when I originally posted this thread)

I agree re phones, my daughter the same age said most kids put their hands up to questions about WhatsApp and tiktok. I recently alerted school that a girl was getting her phone back at the end of the day then going into the loo to do a video for tiktok. My son is 7 and some of his peers have phones already.

I am having the same issue with my 9 year old son.
been friends with his best friend since nursery age 3 and now the friend in question is loving the attention from others and makes my son the safety net friend. The friend is popular and everyone wants to be his friend and my son is really chill and lets a lot go over his head but it isn’t fair or right. The dad of the friend is very narcissistic and runs the local football team and you are never to question his child as it’s “never his child”, we did use to be friendly with the parents but because of their ignorance we cut our losses. The summer this year was ruined and I will be honest it’s since he’s gotten out on his own and got a phone (which I check constantly) the child set up a group chat for my son, him and another but the friend and the other have taken to texting behind his back, going to each others houses behind his back. It’s wearing my son down. We have encouraged play dates with other kids but when the friend in question finds out his dad orchestrates to have the child play with his child leaving my son isolated. We have thought about moving but it’s also not feasible for us either! I’m at a loss at what to do, we have singed my child up for the school football team to encourage other friendships but as soon as the dad caught wind he is now like before x10. He expects my child’s loyalty to his son when his own child has the loyalty of a stray cat.