Desperate for help please. Violent 6 year old

[ThatBusyFox]

Having a really hard time with my 6 year old. When he gets angry he gets really violent. Tonight he punched me in the stomach (after a really long time of escalating from not listening to being rude to slamming doors to shoving me to screaming in my face).

He was frightening his 2 year old brother, I kept taking him back to his room explaining that he can come back when he is calm and he'd keep coming back and being more and more aggressive. I kept my voice calm and firm, I honestly don't know what else I could have done.

It also happened last week, this is the second time. He has otherwise no issues at all, prior outbursts were always normal for his age I think. Doing really well as school, sleeps well, lots of friends.

When he punched me I started crying and then he became apologetic, brought me his toys and pocket money, said I could have it all and that I might as well kill him. Those words were even more upsetting than the violence tbh.

Should I seek professional help? Can anyone help me make sense of it or give me tips on how to handle it?

He's in bed now and I'm tears feeling like the biggest failure. We've always had such a close bond, he's really cuddly, we have lots of fun. 2 weeks ago this would have been unheard of.

Thank you if you read this far

At the end of term there’s a lot of talk about year end certificates, prizes, plays, assemblies, etc - it could be that he’s not getting involved, not been noticed?
It could be a trip or last day of term - thing - it’s surprising how many kids are truly awful at the end of term - almost like the rug has been pulled, the new teacher might be scary - there’s no time table as they do different activities - which can upset a large number of children.

The good school I worked in kept lessons until the last day - and behaviour improved massively.

Kids like routines.

Can I add, you walking away from him, was not a good idea, he needs you there to protect him when he’s overwhelmed and scared - he may even scare himself.

Keep saying I’m here when you’re ready.

Ok you said he’s been under the weather, has he had a sore throat or strep infection by any chance? Have a look at PANDAS maybe?

Another way to look at it is, if your normally caring DH came home and kicked the cat and started swearing, your first thought is ‘what’s wrong?’ Not straight to ‘time out’

Approach him in the same way - ask what he needs at that moment - like you said deep breaths, a hug sometimes works, maybe food or a walk? Music can help or being silly to shake it off - you need to find out what works for him.

When a good cry might be his thing.

It could be a burst of hormones that settles down quite quickly. Next time it happens I would try changing tack and try reacting in a supportive way rather than a disciplining way - so say oh dear I can see you are really angry, let me help you, you must feel really terrible to say that etc. it may be that he has angry feelings and he is telling you in the only way he knows. He needs your help to understand what’s happening and deal with it in a better way.

He showed such remorse,.caring and empathy for you I honestly think it would be advisable to step away from ASD ideas

Love bomb, gentle films, let him get used to the school holidays and relaxing time. See if he opens up a little more as the holidays go on, about what is happening.

I always find that baking something together helps those conversations!

I wouldn’t worry too much either about the strange explanation of how he thought you hurt his leg. That’s him trying to understand and explain why he hurt you, because he realises he shouldn’t have done it. He’s trying to repair the relationship which is a good thing!

It just sounds to me that he's screaming for boundaries. He's testing them. You need to let him know in no uncertain terms that violence is never acceptable. It doesn't matter that he saw this behaviour from someone at school or not. It doesn't matter that he's hungry or upset or scared. He needs to know he has to control himself even in adverse situations. This is when you hold him still, look him in the eye and use your scary mommy voice... Violent behaviour needs to be nipped in bud at once. You can work out what's bothering him at a later point in time.

He sounds exhausted

How bloody long is the school year?! Why???!

You're saying those who have ASD are unable to show remorse, be kind or empathetic? This is a ridiculous statement.

Is he fine the rest of the day, other than these outbursts? No other strange behaviour like OCD type behaviour or anxiety, crying, etc?

Only because sudden changes in mood and behaviour that seems to happen overnight in children can be linked to a condition called PANDAS/PANS. It comes on after an infection usually.

It's probably not that (it's fairly rare I think), but just thought I'd mention it just in case!

Another completely different thought - could he be being bullied at school?

How old was he when he first started hitting and how was it dealt with? Or is this brand now new behaviour? Did this hitting happen when he was younger and you turned a blind eye to it?

It sounds like he struggles with transitions and finds them painful. In my family we have this, we call it change pain, because it is like an experience of pain, except you can locate it on your body. (We are a ND family). I'm just saying that because it sounds likes he is struggling to verbalise his experience and trying to communicate it through imagery like broken legs, strangling etc. You could try and see them.as communication attempts.

I'd also say from my perspective he looks like he is escalating because he is trying to communicate big unmanageable feelings/distress and feels they aren't registering with you? It's definitely great to be able to stay calm, like you would if your friend was in distress, but if your friend was in distress you would show concern about her distress, too. Are you able to tell him you can see its hard on him when it's happening and try to sooth/ scafold him through transitions? Maybe discuss them when they aren't happening and work out between you what is going to help? My 13 Yr old still needs a count down (10/5/2/1 min warnings). When he was younger he also needed a description of what was expected of him (when I say it's time, I will need you to switch the TV off/ put your whatever in the box, then come up amd there will be a bath waiting, sort of thing)

Telling him to calm down and you will only talk to him if he can calm is probably not working because he is not able to regulate himself yet. If he could regulate himself he would. Its inconvenient but he probably needs a bit of gentle support through the transition (you soothingly tell what he needs to do, telling him that's it when he has say stood up to put his toy away etc). I used to have to do this for both of my children, I used to imagine that I was trying to help the build an inner voice/script for the future that would enable them to do it alone.

Like I say my eldest does still need some transition support but he doesn't need supervising any more, and also we don't have outbursts or anything. In fact, when he was younger he was fine with me because I so deeply recognised his struggle, having had them myself, but it rapidly escalating into huge meltdowns/ trashing things if another adult who basically thought he should be able just do what he was told was managing him

When you have a younger one it is hard because you are like ffs I have an actual baby to deal with, can't you just get on with it? The answer is probably just no, they can't, and while it's inconvenient to supervise/scaffold things, in the end it does save you time and trouble.

Obviously my own family being ND is hugely colouring my response here and I might be projecting but thought you may find it helpful. Good luck OP

At only six years old this is very disturbing. If he were 13 it would still be worrying but the words he is using are describing things that indicate he's been exposed to some
Kind of adult content.

I would have a meeting at the school and say his behaviour at home is worrying and you'd like feedback on what he is like in school.

I would also consider seeing a family psychiatrist to get to the bottom of this unusual aggression and manipulation.

Thanks all. So many different ways to approach it, it is a minefield.

Some of you think he's been exposed to something serious, others that he just needs more love and understanding to navigate his emotions, and others that we've not been firm enough and he needs a good talking to.

This morning he did cry on the way to school saying he loves his teacher and he's sad he won't see her anymore after this year.

He seemed really excited about his new class, but some of his main friends won't be with him anymore and maybe he's only just starting to realise this too.

I'll implement all your tips to help him navigate this transition and hope we'll have our happy boy again soon.

@woopsliza, such an insightful post thank you! "Change pain" seems to hit the nail on the head, he always says he's hurt when he doesn't want to do something. I must admit my usual strategy is to keep calm and breezy, ignore the behaviour and just keep repeating what the expectation is but then he still doesn't do it and starts playing up and it all escalates. I realise from your post it's so unhelpful when he actually needs me to help him with it all.

No punishments or threats of punishments for the moment as this sounds like an ultra rare situation.

Something outwith normal “bad behaviour” is going on and until you’ve got to the bottom of that and punishment is going to escalate the situation and his distress.

Talk to him when he’s not upset and say you’ve noticed that he’s been having a difficult time and been really cross. Ask what it feels like for him…does he feel all hot, is it scary etc. Empathise and give an example of what you feel like when you’re angry as that will reassure him it’s a totally normal emotion. Then try some calming things for him to practice before he gets angry…3 deep breaths or a silly song. Make it into a game and do children’s TV presenter levels of enthusiasm. Make it funny but get him to do it lots so he’s used to doing it before he has an episode. If he gets really cross you go into panto mode and get him to do the 3 deep breaths etc (use the same, simple language repeatedly. The practice beforehand is so he doesn’t have to think about what he’s doing in the moment but can use his sub-conscious tools to anchor his emotions). I’ve found things that really help are making them laugh (blow a raspberry, fart, whatever it takes!) or changing physical position (if they’re standing get them to crawl on the floor like a dinosaur etc, if they’re in their room see if he wants to go to the stairs to do his breaths. We have “stair chats” in our house where if there’s something serious/worrying they want to talk about we go sit on the stairs. It keeps the “icky” conversations out of the rest of their space and it’s a set piece way to deal with difficult emotions)

Definitely speak to school. You would be amazed at what they hear and remember you won’t know what is going on in other kids’ homes so they could well be watching revolting things on YouTube and recreating it at school. Tell them everything and maybe ask to speak to the SENCO to see if his behaviour sounds familiar to them. They should be willing to listen to your concerns even if it’s not a ND issue.

This isn’t something you can deal with in the moment. Stay calm (really hard, but it will help him so much), keep the emotional temperature down, ask him if he wants a hug and if he doesn’t say you will sit with him until he feels better. Don’t send him away to be on his own as this will give him the message that negative feelings are to be punished etc which will add to his out of control feelings. Might be worthwhile looking at some techniques for dealing with SEND meltdowns just because this does seem an extreme reaction so I’d use any tools that work.

Hope it goes well.

You could try first and next

First we put our clothes away, next we shall play X game then it’s bath time

Don’t say ‘tidy up’ what does that even mean?

At school they have a tidy up song - so 3 mins or so to pick up everything that’s on the floor.

We would also do secret spy where we would choose (say a car) and if he puts that away before you he gets to choose a game - or a sweet - or whatever.

Make some chores into games.

Seriously? What happened to just do it cos that's what you need to do to not live in squalor. I suggest giving him plenty of chores to keep him busy, and help his self esteem.

Hi I know this is an old thread but just wondering if can have an update on how things are going now with your son. Going through something very similar

Hi @Jimy16 sorry you're going through this, how old is your son?

DS is 7 years old now and totally fine, it settled over time. In fact I did do a double take wondering if it was indeed me that had started this thread, it seems like a distant memory luckily.

I think for him it was a combination of

1. Having big emotions and not knowing how to deal with them. He is still a very sensitive child (worse when ill, tired etc) but he has a much better handle on this emotions now (just naturally from being older) and it doesn't turn into full on raging outbursts anymore. At the time he did have anxiety over the end of the school year and new class and teacher for sure.

1. Me not dealing with it properly, I was just making it worse. All the advice of PPs was spot on. I used to either ignore and walk away or discipline/talk about consequences which just escalated things. He was totally disregulated in those moments and just needed me. Me not helping/walking away was making him even more anxious as he was trying to communicate big emotions and didnt feel heard. I have gotten a lot better at that I think! Now when he gets a bit overwhelmed it never really lasts very long and doesn't escalate like it used to as he will ask for a cuddle straightaway and feel safe and secure to calm himself down.

I hope it passes soon for you.