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Original poster

Do dads ever get it? Struggling with the difference in being mum vs dad.

29 replies

MyOpenEagle · 07/07/2024 23:40

Sorry for the rant but here we are…First time mum here and I’m really struggling with just how different my experience of parenting is to my husbands. My whole life has changed - I literally do nothing I did before. I don’t work, I don’t exercise, I don’t see friends (unless I’m with the baby). The baby is my centre - everything is planned with her in mind. He has the same routine (gym etc) as he did before, and then spending time with baby is an add on. He does go out less on weekends but he will at times knowing baby will be looked after by me and does not need to worry about whether she’ll be okay. I do all the baby admin (buying nappies, appointments, packing etc) and feel like I’m always the one having to say right bath time, or time for a nap. We also EBF (baby won’t take bottle) so I feel it’s just another thing that falls to me. I have asked him over and over to try bottles with her in his time to take a load off of me but of course he has not! I just feel like he is pretty happy with how this is.

Currently we feed to sleep and then I do night shifts with baby who does not sleep well on my own (the logic here is he works though being a mum is a job too!). He has rocked her to sleep before but again he just chooses not to be active in doing it more or offering. I get that I’m on maternity leave but I feel like he is clueless to how hard this is and is not proactively trying to make this easier for me or be more hands on. I thought on weekends he might think you know what I’ll take baby for a few hours, you do your thing, take a break, have a sleep, go get your nails done - no. I never get that thought at all. If I want any of these things I often have to plan to go with our LO.

I went through a phase of actively booking time in to go out between her feeding windows but I’m just so tired at the moment I don’t have the energy but I don’t always want to have to officially go and do something - sometimes I just want to sleep or be at home but then it becomes a “she’s hungry”.

I’m just so frustrated at him for doing nothing to support unless I force it. He never offers to bathe her or do her evening routine so I can get a break unless I force him to. I’ve tried to explain but he just does not get it and is not proactive at all - he just thinks because he has a job it’s okay. But he doesn’t work 24/7! I feel like I’m just expected to take care of our baby and he gets to live his life and parent part time.

i guess im just looking for solidarity and also people's experiences of similar partners? I know this is not all dads but honestly i am struggling as i am really beginning to resent him. This then makes me angry which i dont want baby picking up on. Do dads ever truly get it?

OP posts:
Superscientist · 09/07/2024 12:52

At this point I breastfeed baby, washed her nappies, did nappy changes and the food shop

My partner cooked, cleaned and held us all up.

He was my rock. I had severe depression and honestly just breastfeeding her some days was all the energy I had.

I think you do need to nip it in the bud now. Draw up a rough routine for now and share it with him and enlist his support in doing things like bath time etc.

Newmumhere40 · 11/05/2025 12:31

MyOpenEagle · 09/07/2024 07:49

@johnd2 i do think he needs to experience baby more to appreciate how difficult it is. He took two weeks and was then back at work.

@minipie @CCW14 there was a time I was consistently having my own time to go out for 1-2 hours but with the sleep deprivation I just got too tired to do it and it’s ended up meaning I don’t get protected time. I’m at the stage of wanting to leave her with him for a full day so he can really understand it because it’s impacting our relationship with how things are but I wouldn’t leave her that long knowing she’d not be happy if hungry and not taking bottles or pacifier.

@CCW14 similar to you, I felt bad he had work so took on lots but it’s made things worse. With sleep deprivation now I voice how hard it is but he teuly does not seem to think it is! I don’t understand why being a mum isn’t seen as a job in the same way as any other job - if anything it’s harder because I don’t get any break unless he gives me one! I think that’s the part I’m finding hard - there’s no proactive consideration to give me a break.

@Boobymonster the rage is real at night!! And I was also surprised at how my husband does not ever offer to do something proactively. It’s been a real sad thing to experience for me because it’s as though being a mum is invisible labour! I’m also partly wondering whether going back to work will actually be helpful because then I physically cannot be there to pick up the slack.

Thanks everyone for the comments. I’ve now set out what I’d like him to do, including seeing everything outside of 9-5 as shared given that’s when we both finish our “jobs”. This includes helping with her morning routine and bed routine outside of feeding and taking bath time in turns so I get small breaks, and same on weekends. I’ll have to keep persisting as I know if I stop, it’ll go back to me doing everything. Need to speak up and assert more

Can I ask if this changed since this thread? I going this thread searching for the same.

Smellslikeburnttoat · 11/05/2025 13:37

im really sorry OP. He’s honestly unlikely to change without serious ultimatums. And it’s essential you go back to work so you don’t become financially dependent on him. I would also strongly advise against a second pregnancy.

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Original poster
MyOpenEagle · 11/05/2025 20:00

Newmumhere40 · 11/05/2025 12:31

Can I ask if this changed since this thread? I going this thread searching for the same.

Show quote history

It did get better but like other posters commented, I had to really consider how I was perpetuating the problem and taking on more responsibility myself as well or just getting on with it. It was not that he suddenly changed or became proactive, it was more considering my own approach and putting in better boundaries, and spelling things out.

I think as a woman I felt like my whole identity changed when becoming a mum and I have loved being a mum, but at times it’s also hard and I think naturally I’m more inclined to get things done so I also allowed myself less time for myself and would always be present.

It did naturally improve when nursery came in as I started to go back to work and also got some natural breaks with that but still unless I’m careful I can easily fall into doing all the organisation, wake ups etc and then getting exhausted from it so I still have to spell things out and ensure he does more if he begins to slack. He’s getting better but I’ve accepted I can’t expect him to just read my mind as he will not! I have to spell it out, annoying but seems many women have to do this!

how are you getting on?

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