Completely failing our teen, can't stop crying

[WeeMadArthur1]

Posted in SN as well but I don't know what to do. DD has always struggled with anxiety, friendships, confidence but it's getting increasingly worse (she's 17 now). She's terrified of talking to people, won't talk to teachers unless she absolutely has to, can't answer the door, can't go on a bus or in a shop, will speak to a couple of friends at college but won't see them outside of that, basically spends all her time in her room when not at college.

We've been to GP three times, she's not old enough for adult mental health services, can't be put on CAMHS waiting list as the GP said she'll turn 18 before anything happens so it's pointless. We were referred to a central access point who said they can't help as she's not an adult but they recommended anti anxiety meds. But GP won't prescribe them as she's not old enough.

She has a lot of the symptoms of ADHD and autism, which is exacerbating her anxiety as she's struggling to concentrate on A levels but scared to talk to the teacher about it. Had an ADHD assessment but she doesn't reach the threshold for diagnosis because the teachers think she's fine (probably because she tries to make herself as inconspicuous as possible and doesn't cause any disruption, also she's done well academically so far, even though all work has been rushed at the last minute).

She really wants to go to uni in September but admits she will only come out of her room for lectures and won't be able to speak to anyone so I've no idea how she'll cope. I think she should take a year out but she can't get a job as she's too scared to talk to anyone, and if she doesn't do anything she'll just stay in her room and get more anxious and depressed.

I feel we've completely failed her, we should have done something different bringing her up to help her confidence, but I don't know what. She's on the waiting list for private counselling but I'm not sure what else we can do.

She sounds very similar to my DD (diagnosed social anxiety, possible ASD/ADHD but not been assessed) she is just about to complete her first year at Uni. We/she looked at Uni's ideally no more than 2hours away and as it turned out the Uni and course she preferred is the nearest to home and so she lives away but can pop home easily if she needs to decompress or just "be herself". I think she's actually been home less than many of her other flatmates and I think it's due to the fact she knows it's an easy possibility which is reassuring in itself. We've also popped and visited her for lunch or dinner occasionally. She has managed really well, but has struggled with the more social aspects, it's small steps and she's happy and loving her course which is most important.
So if your DD is considering Uni, do think about looking at ones whereby coming home for weekends is an option, a chance to recharge her batteries, decompress and spend time with people that really "know her". She's already doing amazing with going to college by the way.

As others have said, talk to school, and private therapist if you can afford it.

You haven’t failed her. She needs help and isn’t getting it. Have you denied her that help? Dismissed her concerns? No. So why have you ‘failed her’?
No way should she be going to uni. She will get nothing out of it and will cause you no end of worry and misery thinking about her.

I would save up for a private ASD adhd assessment. I had terrible mental health all my teen years then in my 30s got my autism diagnosis and it cured all my mental health struggles overnight. When you are autistic but not diagnosed you feel wrong, like there is something wrong with you, you push yourself to do when everyone else can do and cause yourself anxiety and end up less able to manage. Once you have a diagnosis you understand yourself and accept yourself and work around your difficulties and life is sooooo much better.

I did uni pre diagnosis. Never went to the student union. Literally just lectures seminars and the library. I did really well and got a good degree. I just came out with no new friends and none of the embarrassing memories or stories most people leave uni with. I was happy with this. If you dd is happy with this then don't see it as a problem not everyone is social

I wouldn't make any sudden decisions on uni now. A levels are hugely stressful and will amplify any neurodivergence. I think you're right to get through the exams and then have a rest and then make a decision on uni after that once life is calmer.

It was honestly the making of me. I barely spoke at all and was terrified of everyone and everything before I went but if I hadn't gone, my life would have become so much smaller and socially poorer. I'd hate that to happen to her.

@WeeMadArthur1 my dd was diagnosed at 17 ish .. she was a perfectly 'normal ' child until puberty .

Two psychiatrists and psychologists said high functioning'rocks up ' in puberty in a lot of girls . And it should be called something other than Asd in teen girls .

No one ever flagged it with DD .. not once . She was smart and quiet . She suffered silently though sadly 😢

OP I don't have time to write a long reply at the moment but please read up on autistic burnout.

For my lad, diagnosed much earlier, university was undeniably a huge struggle. The healthiest I've seen him, mentally, was ironically during COVID, when he was unemployed and volunteered with an outdoor conservation charity -- probably the youngest there by a good forty years. We went with him a couple of times (in a nice socially distanced fashion) and then he kept it up for months.

Hedge laying may not be for her, but something outdoors could be very calming.

https://autisticgirlsnetwork.org/keeping-it-all-inside.pdf

might be worth a read. Also, the GP CAN medicate for anxiety. My 12 year old DD has beta blockers for anxiety.

She sounds like me. I was diagnosed autistic age 35. Unfortunately my parents just thought I was quiet / anxious but I guess in the 90s Autism wasn't understood.

This is so sad.
Go back to your GP and insist on some of support. If you have more than one GP in the practice desk to a different one.
Other alternatives include:

1. Self referral to talking therapies
2. Online CBT
3. Speak to you mental health practitioner linked to your GP practice
4. Social prescribers also linked to your GP will be able to support

I wish you the best of luck x

Just some propanolol might help.

We were in this position few years ago - best GP could do was put her on a waiting list at 16 she'd likely time out of by 18 - which she did. Couldn't afford private about 5K - one of her friends went down that route.

It's been much easier to get diagosed or ruled out with university disablities service - and external services they've put DD1 in touch with. Though don't know how universally good all uni disablities departments are.

Her new GP been much more helpful all round and put he ron low leverl anti-depresssants bit she was 18 at that point.

They ruled out ASD - which college was suggestion - but she definetly has dsyslexia and dspraixia ( as I've thought since reception) they think she also has inattentive ADHD - but she has an academic assement and has to go though full NHS one still ongoing process.

DD1 was better socially though - possibly as she had close friends and siblings to drag along to do things. Also lucked out with volunteering - which IME can be a mixed bag- but they had to do some as part of welsh bacc and the charity shop has experience with wide range of people so helped build their confidence - next child also found it helpful even shyer than first. It took a year though for DD1 to joing a society at uni which is now a huge part of her life. She doing well acadmically on 2:1/1 broarder all the time and univeristy been a postive experince for her - and she far enough away poping home all the time not possible.

I think your plan of getting her though A-levels see how they go before making plans and slowly trying to build up her social skill in summer is a good one - A-level stress will be making everything worse at the moment.