Are enormous meltdowns always ASD or ADHD?

[2kidsnewstart]

Hi,

I have a 6yo girl and a 2.5yo girl and I am at my wit's end. Really sad and despondent and just not sure what to do.

I am going to write most about the older one. She is exceptionally bright, thoughtful and kind. She is full of energy, quite extreme (ie climbs exceptionally high trees, cycles her bike fast) and sociable. In many ways she's wonderful.

But she also has the most enormous meltdowns whenever she's not at school. Even when being looked after by other family or friends. Sometimes they last for 3 hours. Other times they are every 15 minutes over the smallest thing all day. Sometimes she's fine for a couple of days. But she can be like this for 5 days on the trot.

She just returned from bowling and my friend called me several times as she was melting down so much - screaming, crying, throwing things, tantruming on the floor. For various reasons but all reasons the other kids had no problems with.

I've read a few books on how to help emotional regulation and the validating techniques don't seem to work. I am speaking to the school next week about help for me managing it. And the Explosive Child book is being delivered tomorrow.

She is v sensitive and can be upset by fairly ordinary playground things at school. She also wishes me and her dad would be with her all the time. We both work part time so she does see us a fair amount (IMO). But these things just aren't possible, for us to give up work and be there all the time.

The natural question is is she ADHD or ASD. But she really doesn't meet some of the usual diagnostic criteria (she has no problem with eye contact, can easily read others' emotions and is very sensitive to them, doesn't like solitary play and hates it in fact etc, not fixated on things). She has always had some sensory issues with clothes, noise etc.

And i don't want to wait for years on CAHMS or paying £3k for an assessment feels like a stretch when I am on the fence about how likely it is.

So the question is are some kids just big meltdown types and they grow out of it? Has anyone got experience in this? Any tips or advice or experience welcome. Or do the meltdowns mean she has neurodiversity, even though she doesn't really meet the other tests?

It's incredibly draining and isolating and I feel like crying most of the time when I'm with them. And sometimes I do cry and it makes the meltdowns worse.

I feel sorry for the little one who is shouted at and ignored. I hate my life. Thanks for reading. I'd be grateful for any advice. Dad also looks after them and she is slightly better for him. Def the worst with me. Terrible when we are all together.

Too quick to label?! Ha ha, do you have any idea how long it takes to get a diagnosis these days?

And it's a diagnosis, not a label.

She's not got a great attention span. Grandparents have commented that it is quite poor.

And good point re: anger.

How do i do that?! Sorry!!

I can't say about your DD but on the straight up question 'are meltdowns always due to neurodivergence?' I'd say no not always.

I recall the incredible tantrums my sister had as a small child. She was notorious for it. Then her own daughter, my niece, was just the same. She had truly epic meltdowns well into primary school. Definitely still having them aged 6/7.

They both grew out of it eventually and neither of them has ever attracted a diagnosis of ASD or ADHD nor has that been particularly suspected. Both have wide circles of friends and appear to have well developed empathy and language. I expect someone will tell me they both have undiagnosed autism but neither of them self identify as such.

In their cases I think it was just their inherent temperament which is somewhat heritable. Some people have a lower frustration tolerance than others.

I am a bit puzzled sometimes about ASD diagnosis. I understand that it presents atypically in girls and can be missed but given there is no blood test or scan then surely people have to have the core symptoms to get diagnosed as there is no other way to make a diagnosis. So there must be a limit to how atypical something can be and still fit a definition surely?

It’s all in here.

Use it as a checklist for appointments.

https://autisticgirlsnetwork.org/keeping-it-all-inside.pdf

Hi OP, just adding to the chorus of people saying she sounds like my DD…who was diagnosed at 17. After a difficult adolescence she is doing well at uni, if it’s helpful to look to a future example.

i pursued a diagnosis because I’d read a lot on here about women being diagnosed later in life, and didn’t want to feel I’d ‘failed’ her by not looking into it. I was on the fence about whether she’d be diagnosed.

what I have learned along the way is that re-framing behaviour as autistic -type behaviour and using appropriate strategies has been helpful for us, with or without a diagnosis. One of my DS’s has (I think) some ADHD type traits but hasn’t struggled with mental health issues like DD did, so I haven’t pursued a diagnosis for him. I struggle over whether that’s the right thing to have done but my hunch is he wouldn’t meet the diagnostic criteria - as part of that is about how much your traits prevent you from leading your life.

This could describe my daughter too - she also had/ has enormous meltdowns way past the toddler stage and we questioned for years whether she was ND or not because she did not show the ‘typical’ traits. Turns out these are quite typical traits for a girl. She was diagnosed autistic last year aged 8. We went on a parenting course for autistic children while we were on the waiting list and that was when we realised she was autistic - it was all very familiar. Look up yellow ladybugs videos on autism in girls (Australian charity). It really rang a bell with me.