How to help DD with overeating habit

[schooloflostsocks]

I’d really welcome some constructive ideas. I have 2 DC.

For context DS 1 is autistic and has a lot of issues with food which mean we need to be pretty adaptive to his needs and we need to feed him what he wants and when he wants it. Also he is now a teenager who needs a lot of carbs and big meals as he’s growing so fast.

DD 2 (10) has always loved food. She has never had the ability to know when she is full and this applies to savoury as well as sweet foods. She gained a lot of weight in the first lockdown due to having lots of food on offer and stopping her dancing classes. We managed to help her grow out of the extra weight to some extent by being more vigilant about portion sizes but in the last year she has put weight on again to the point that she needs plus size clothes. Food and getting as much of it as possible has become a huge focus for her and although she does have hobbies she enjoys she doesn’t want to do the swimming and dancing that she used to do. She has big emotional reactions to being told one portion is enough, no to seconds, no to crisps when we are out and friends’ parents buy them snacks, no to pudding, no to biscuits when offered. If I didn’t keep saying no the problem would be far worse and she would (as she often does if I’m not there) eat enough for at least 2 adults until she was feeling very sick. She does not seem to learn from these experiences.

I substitute for fruit and veg a lot so I don’t have to always say no but somehow she always ends up in places where she can get more food than she needs. I’m a bit lost with how to help her and as someone who was anorexic in my 20s I don’t want to give her that problem to add to her already disordered relationship with food.

Not sure how to help her without causing further issues.

I know the theory that children self regulate if you leave them to work it out. I’m sure many do but mine don’t.

Thank you

@ThePure yes from my perspective I feel it is a medical issue too. I know most people would look at DD say she’ll grow out of it or it’s just puppy fat. It’s more the emotional and psychological stuff and trying to create healthy habits I’m concerned with than the actual weight.

Thanks again everyone who has answered. I have re read all your replies and I don’t feel so lost with it now.

My first thought in your earlier post was about lack of protein too. If she likes sushi, I take it she eats fish? If so, I'd be upping her fish intake with a good variety of sources. It's generally also pretty lean too. Pulses and seeds are another option as well as more dairy.

I also agree that it's a medical condition and both physiological and dietary input would be really useful.

Speaking from experience, having a sibling with extra needs (however mild mannered they are as a person) always has some effect on other children and food could be her form of control over her environment. Or as PP have suggested, she may have some mild SEN herself but either way it will be good for you both get to the bottom of it.

I also wouldn't see a dietician as a way of calling her fat/making her lose weight against her will but to help find recipes and meal plans that will appeal her tastes and balance her blood sugar levels.

Good luck!

Thanks @RiverRiot. Neither DC will eat fish so it’s veggie sushi. We make our own and it’s avocado, carrot, cucumber, peppers and omelette strips with the nori and rice.

I’m on a protein mission as there seems to be a consensus we don’t have enough. Actually some meals we do but some are admittedly much more carby and breakfast can certainly be improved. I try to go for wholemeal flour/ pasta etc as much as poss. I’ve always had it in mind that you shouldn’t have too many eggs per week- probably from the older folk in my family worrying about cholesterol. I don’t know if this applies to children- will seek advice on this. She loves lentils, edemame beans, houmous and chickpeas so all good there and we use them a lot already.

Your daughter must feel horrible when everyone else is allowed to have some crisps and she's told no knowing it's because you think she's fat.

I don't know what the answer is, but that can't be it.

@RedRobyn2021 yes exactly! And this is why I don’t always say no and the fact I don’t always say no is really why she is overweight, because we don’t have crisps and sweets and chocolate and cakes at home and we do have appropriately sized meals at home cooked from scratch etc even if we arguably needed to up the protein. This is really what I want more than anything is not to feel I need to police food but not leave her to come home practically in a coma from sugar and junk food when she goes out. I have let that happen too often and it isn’t a learning experience for her it’s just horrible, she feels ill and groans a lot.

Actually I say no learning but she did once come back from a party with a stomachache and tell me it was bad that I wasn’t there because no one told her to stop. With buffets if I’m there I usually help her get a suitable plateful and then I tel her we need to leave the rest for everyone else and then I stand by the table like the food police. This does work up to a point. If I’m there. I don’t make an announcement or anything that would publicly shame her but I do quietly tell her when I think it’s enough. I am very very open to anyone’s suggestions of a better strategy for buffets, which seem to be a regular feature of our life. Also for the most tactful thing I can say if she’s offered a second massive piece of cake or pudding at a guest’s house and she’s already been given an adult portion of main course and a pudding.

upping the protein at home is easy. It’s all the other stuff not at home that’s more challenging

That does sound hard. Different flavoured teas do sound like a good idea, and might make her feel grown up? I also think she needs more protein- is she veggie for any specific reason? Because lean meat is such a well absorbed type of protein. Otherwise I really would do lots of eggs, the cholesterol thing is no longer thought to be true.

I’ve tried fruit and herbal teas in the past - only accepted with a massive spoon of honey. But a good option instead sometimes.

veggie out of her own choice - not something that she’s likely to budge on right now but I’d be glad if she did at some point

@RedRobyn2021 come to think of it I’ve got off lightly on this thread so far with people’s responses compared with what I often see onthis kind of topic but you did make up a whole scenario there that has never happened! You are describing what I am explicitly trying my utmost to avoid.

I’ve seen various threads on here about overweight DC and people get told in no uncertain terms to feed them less and limit their snacks. My experience is that it’s incredibly hard to do this in a tactful way without causing offence to hosts or to the DC in question.

maybe we should just stay in more and eat lean chicken and steamed cabbage

I know this was a while ago but thank you so much for this thread. I am having such food problems but my son is only 2.5. He is absolutely obsessed with food and even at such a young age will eat twice what I could eat and then more. He literally would not stop. The guilt i feel about trying to limit snacks and have people say I will give him disordered eating because of this is horrible. He only ever asks about activities because of the food lunch snack he will get there and discussing outings he will only care about what he was fed and none of the fun activities. I feel so desperate and dont know where to turn. This thread is the first I have seen with someone with similar issues who has to employ similar tactics and I am just glad not to be alone. Really good tips. Thank you again

Hello @ThePure sorry to hear you're having similar issues.

updates: the GP surgery has not come up with any kind of appointment or conversation about this despite me asking more than once. When she was weighed at school I got a letter saying she was overweight but no follow up of any kind.

I have tried to add protein and more veg whenever possible and I think this is helpful but we are still stuck with many of the same issues. The 'new outdoor hobby' I mentioned unthread has turned into quite a passion and that is great.

We still find ourselves in many varied situations that involve too much food. Recently on a school trip she finished the healthy meal I'd packed and then another mum turned up with a huge takeaway for everyone to share. Then several children got out big boxes of biscuits and cakes to share. As usual the skinny friends danced around eating sugar while Dd ate everything available and I felt unable to single her out and stop her. I watch all the others self regulating and DD just can't.

Christmas involved two boxes of Lindt that I'd been given and was intending to regift mysteriously being emptied (I assume binge eaten) also a pack of celebrations. No- one owned up to this.

Re- reading this has reminded me to get the book on emotional eating.

Although much of the above sounds bad I think DD hasn't put on more weight and I think she's a bit happier and more active for various reasons now

I think it's important to talk about nutritional food rather than healthy food. All food is healthy in different circumstances.

At home we talk about high nutritional content versus low nutritional content so there's no shame in having a doughnut, it just isn't as nutritional as eating eggs.

Also some things are deemed "healthy" but are mainly sugar. Fruit juice is sugar in a glass for example. We have water, tea and coffee but we're dairy free. I know you cut out white carbs, but even brown rice will spark insulin production. If you cut out a ll bread, pasta, rice and potatoes at home then when she does load up on sugary carbs it's not going to add to the carbs load at home.

You may want to think about timing like not eating after 7pm as that might help and having nuts and seedsas snacks. It will get more protein in her. From what you said about your DS being fed what and when he wants she may see that as unfair so you might want to think about what that looks like to her.

Finally, is the sugar having an effect on her teeth? If she's having fillings as a result you can use that as a way to encourage her to reduce sugar.

I will now add before I get asked why I had boxes of chocolate in the house - I'm a teacher, I get given loads of wine and chocolate and as I never eat chocolate that has vegetable oil in, I usually regift it to the DC's teachers or to their school staff room.

Anyway, happy to reopen this conversation in case it helps us or anyone else

@MyrtleLion thanks for your thoughts. Her teeth are good. I have always stuck to the never eating after 7pm rule unless I'm a guest so we do tend to eat early.

going carb free seems very extreme! Dh did it for a while but he won't consider it now so I don't think it will work for us especially with DS absolutely needing carbs. He's lean, strong, sporty and I learned long ago there is absolutely nothing I can do to broaden his intake apart from keep offering a good range of foods alongside safe foods and wait for those rare occasions where he feels inspired to eat something new

are you all vegetarian? Sometimes vegetarian diets can actually be quite unhealthy if the protein part is mainly taken up with carbs.

Honestly I wouldn’t go carb free either. I think it may have the opposite effect and make her crave carbs even more and she’s definitely at the age where you’re losing more control over what she eats and when.

Does she have a good vitamin and mineral supplement each day? Sometimes people can overeat when they are have deficiencies.

When my DS was a younger teen he was eating a lot but also way too much junk. I found this guide from the Caroline Walker Trust helpful. I didn’t make him read the full thing but looking at how you get your daily calories from nutritious foods rather than junk is useful as are the sample menus and portion sizes which guides.

With a couple of tweaks, mainly by adding more fruit and veg and protein, he more or less stopped mindlessly eating junk.

@Nightmarenewbornnostalgia1 is your DS actually overweight? You didn't mention that. My Dd also organises her life around where she can get the most food. I don't think she did it from age 2.5 though, that is very young. There is a lot of conflicting advice, there's the whole philosophy of not demonising foods or talking about 'good' 'bad' 'healthy' ''unhealthy' or even 'low/ high nutritional value' to allow natural regulation (I've even seen advice from a dietitian who has bowls of sweets around the house saying if they're always freely available they lose their appeal?) and then there's avoiding UPFs because frankly they are unhealthy and have no place in a good diet.

@Ownyourchoices only DD is fully vegetarian. I do think it can be healthy diet but yes hard to get enough good quality unprocessed protein. She has lots of eggs and she loves cheese, will eat beans, lentils and nuts.

Gosh I feel for you. Your DD was me. I never felt like I was full. I loved food and it progressively got worse as I grew. I started hiding food from everyone and eating in secret. This has been a life long battle. My parents did all the right things but I think it is the way I am wired.

@BunnyRuddington I've currently given up on supplements after a few years of using them, I didn't really see any improvements in health for any of us. I caught every virus that went around for about 6 years. A bit better this year after dropping supplements but doing more regular exercise which both Dc do with me.

The eat well plate is basically what I aim for although I usually do half veg

Hi. Thanks for responding. I know he is only little and 2.5 but when I have plotted his height and weight because of my concerns about his eating he is around 40th centile for height and 99th for weight. Both myself and husband are very tall so I always get comments that "he will be going through a growth spurt because he is going to be tall like his mummy and daddy" but this has been going on for over a year that I've been concerned about the lack of showing any signs of fullness. He also as yet is not tall so is very definetely our of proportion. It is a real problem when we go to parties or anywhere with a buffet because he will literally hang around the buffet the whole time and wont join in any of the games. Any time we go to a toddler group he will play nicely and then once he realises there are snacks available that is all he is interested in. The regular classes we go to he clears the snack table very soon after we go in from toys and just sits waiting saying he is "waiting for his snack." I try so hard to get him nvolved with the toys and activities but he just wants to eat all the time. Lots of people find it funny and say "oh I wish mines ate like him" but it's really really stressful because he just seems to structure everything around food. First thing he asks is "is it breakfast time" then when are we getting a snack then so on and so on. And because we have so many conversations about food I dont know the best way to respond without making the problem worse. He eats lots of protein with meals and snacks so I am just at a loss. He will clear whatever is on his plate and just constantly ask for more. I am glad things have got better for you. My son is becoming less and less interested in being active even though he is only 2.5. I encourage activity lots and he never has screen time, always trying to get him outdoors and soft plays and active toddler groups but he will just often step to the side and not get involved.

I think this is genetic and an uphill battle. Sounds like you are doing well but please be careful (as you are). So many people remember being poor put on their first diet as a child by their parents and it starting a lifelong cycle of yo-yo diets and weight gain. I recommend reading Why We Eat (too much) by Andrew Jenkinson and see what resonates from there. It must be so hard to try and police your daughter’s diet outside the house and actually probably doing more harm than good. It’s what happens at home that is more important I think. So many kids can get away with eating all sorts and not put on weight - it’s not fair.

@Nightmarenewbornnostalgia1 like you it's more the psychology of how to respond to all the constantly available snacks and buffets without making things worse that is my biggest ongoing dilemma. With 2 year olds if you say no they feel an absolute imperative to do whatever you've said no to, and teenagers too.

Yes @TelephoneWires there must be a genetic factor as I have 2 DC with totally different eating genes despite having offered all the same foods in roughly the same ways to both of them

Loved this article about food and dieting - let's see if I manage to do a clicky link here