All these self help books for kids.... what good are they if your child literally puts their hands over their ears??

[Seenandheard]

I have a 5 year old. He is sweet, funny, extremely intelligent, sociable, outgoing and...anxious. Worried about failure, very inhibited when he feels he may do something "wrong" in front of others.

Over the years I have read so many different books, most recently the yes brain child. You know the type - talk about feelings (not in the moment), think of ways to cope and manage in future.

To be clear, I don't go hard on these, I am very very careful to pick my moments (ie when he isn't agitated) and try to cadially bring it up when he is otherwise engaged. I don't labour the point or try too frequently. But oh my god, every time I even start he goes "I know I know, you don't need to talk about that" and puts his hands over his ears. EVERY SINGLE TIME. I have tried every approach but I feel I might as well throw all books in the bin and let him get on with his life as I can't help him build any kind of resilience. I'm just being flippant of course, i know how important it is to let him know he is loved and secure and will always have us behind him. We do that. But his worries and reactions to them are only going to become more frequent. His biggest concern right now is birthday parties where they have to take instruction (eg gym play stuff)- he won't ever join in and doesn't want to go, he gets very upset in the run up to such things which is regretable (that he cant have a carefree life and enjoy structured activities like all his friends) but obviously for now, avoidable. We gave up on a gentle Saturday football club as he just ran in the opposite direction and freaked out every week.
But God help him when he starts having timed tests at school etc next year. Things that will really agitate him and we cannot avoid. I actually feel a bit sick thinking about it. I could cry (and by the way I don't let him see my stress about this). I so desperately want to help him equip himself with tools to cope with these situations int he future, but he simply won't let me in. I cant even make a small start. What can I do?!

Look into Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) - it's something you can practice from a young age and it helped me massively as a teen with social anxiety.

That sounds really hard OP. It's possible he will just grow out of it. One thing that occurred to me is, do you "fail" in front of him? I've tried to do that with my kids, so e.g. try something "new" like skipping or using their toys/games and getting it wrong or dropping it/falling over, then saying "oops, that was funny, I'll try again" etc. You can probably find more ways to do it naturally 😆 just an idea.

Yes I agree with the PP, actually modelling by doing things yourself can be more powerful than the messages you (I!) try and tell your kids. Does he watch you interact with all kinds of people socially? Do things that make you afraid or anxiety-provoking things and recover?

I also wonder about therapy for him.

Thanks all.

Yes I definitely make light of my mistakes and make it very clear when I make them, but maybe I need to ramp it up a bit!

Read up on pda

Your son does sound like he could fit. He is young yes but seems to have high anxiety and sensory issues.

I might as well throw all books in the bin and let him get on with his life

Yes, do this.

Don’t make him go to parties and organised activities if he doesn’t want to. Or go to parties and let him opt in and out in accordance with his comfort level.

Let school deal with the timed tests.

I had one of these. He travels the world independently now. Still hates party games, though.

My DS never liked instructed birthday parties either. We picked and chose the ones he wanted to attend and he joined in when he wanted to.
see how to timed tests go, he he’s not managing them, find a different school?

They don't really do timed tests until yr6. There is a timetable test in yr4 and a phonics test in yr1 but they wouldn't know it is a test or that it is timed.

DD6 tends towards anxiety. She's quite inhibited as well and shows perfectionist tendencies. She can be confident about some things but is mortally afraid of others and I feel it's really limiting her life. I too wonder how to teach her resilience and have read countless books but find it difficult to apply the advice.

The only thing I have found that works is to let her do stuff at her own pace but ensure a steady stream of gradually more challenging successes.

Eg she's really scared of physical challenges, eg climbing in the playground or jumping off things. There are things she's scared off that I've seen two year olds do. I used to try to encourage her to face her fears and give things a go while acknowledging her fear (in the moment and not in the moment) but that doesn't work at all. I think it's because when you are scared you are scared. It's a very primitive response from our brain and logic won't necessarily touch it.

So I let her go at her own pace but try to continuouslyf give her opportunities to do more (eg go frequently to the playground so that eventually she tries something new). I also explicitly tell her when she's mastered something that she was previously scared of and she really gets a kick out of seeing her progress. I want her to learn that even though today she might be afraid of something she won't necessarily be so in the future. I also constantly reiterate that it's ok to be scared, that everyone is and that being brave doesn't mean you are never scared but that you do things inspite of your fear. I've also tried to explain to her why living beings feel fear at all (ie it is protective) and especially why kids have evolved to be afraid of certain things. That for some reason has really helped her. Maybe because it takes the Shame out of it

And yeah I do point out my mistakes and how they are no big deal. At the same time I don't make a big deal out of her mistakes but teach her with very little things that the important thing is to make things right rather than Blane yourself. For example if she spills something I never tell her off but I do insist that she cleans it up which she does quite happily.

I'm not sure if this is nice but I also point out to her when other kids are struggling with something. (we speak a second language so I can do this discreetly).

Apologies if none of this is relevant to you or it's All obvious stuff you do anyway. To be more concise I'd try to

1. Take the shame out of making mistakes by demonstrating them in yourself or others

1. Don't be pushy but provide lots of opportunities for challenges (ideally small challenges that you know they can gradually master so they can see their progress and can experience moments of success). Explicitly point out their successes and remind them when they are struggling with something

I would abandon the self help books. There’s no lint using them if they cause stress for him.
Ask school if they have thought he may have autistic traits. Read up in it.

I've taught for 17 years and most schools will have tests every term from Year 1 onwards for internal assessment data.

Granted they aren't usually timed but there is testing throughout primary school.

Thank you all, and particularly @BaBaBiscuit for a really helpful response- which I will read through a couple of times

If addressing it explicitly is too much for him, try fiction. Don't make it clear what it's about, but it means he's being exposed to "model" scenarios. If he's up gfor it, you can discuss if the character handled it well, but he might not go for that.

Seconding reflecting on your own challenges/solutions. I know a family that at dinner time everyone shares one thing that disappointed or upset them that day at the beginning of the meal, and at the end they share something that made them happy.