I’m nearly 50, happily married and a mum to teenagers and I’ve recently had the revelation that my mother is a narcissist. I’ve realised and that I need to reduce contact with her and install clear boundaries for my own mental health. However, it’s complicated - there are some family issues (death of a close family member, another family member with a chronic eating disorder) as well as which she moved to live much closer to me than any of my siblings. I think one of my siblings is the ‘golden’ one and she has different expectations of me as her only daughter, as well as the fact that my father (also narcissistic) enables her.
Here are some red flag examples (of many) that stand out:
Once, I broke my arm at 8.45am when I was alone at home when my kids were 6 and 8. I called her asking her to come so I could go to A&E but she wouldn’t because she had a doctor’s appointment herself that afternoon and didn’t want to jeopardise missing it. I had to leave them with a neighbour and ask MIL to collect them.
She rarely contacts me and when I do give in and call her (usually from guilt) the whole conversation is usually about her. Sometimes as an afterthought she asks “is everything okay with all of you?” right at the end of the call. I always say that it is as I don’t want to give away too much.
She is explicit about really wanting to see me by myself (rather than with my husband or kids) and when I do she spends the whole time telling me what everyone else in the family and even her own friends are doing wrong, who’s a disappointment and gives big the impression that she always knows the right thing to do. She often tells me what I should do in different situations and she can’t see alternatives to her view. She likes to tell me that something is “the done thing”.
She wants to be the centre of everyone’s world and sets things up, manipulating others to get what she wants. Currently she’s working ‘behind the scenes’ on organising a Mother’s Day event for herself and has made it clear to my SIL that she wants a big gathering but doesn’t want to have to arrange it herself. I’m not getting involved and although I’ll send her flowers on the day, I’m spending the day on a trip with my own lovely family (it’s my Mother’s Day too, right?) and steering well clear.
A few years ago I told her that I thought she was depressed and needed some support. Never again. Her level of upset and anger was unreal.
I could go on as there are hundreds of situations like this and although it’s as clear as day to me now that she’s narcissistic, I can’t believe I didn’t notice before. She often says “I’ve done my bit” by which she means that it’s her turn for me/us to do things for her. I can’t continue with the expectation that I should ‘give give give’ without getting anything positive or supportive back in return. I don’t feel that I owe her.
Can anyone relate? Do you have any top tips about managing this in the context of the wider family? I don’t want to involve my siblings or their partners but also refuse to be pulled into attempts by my mother to manipulate me and make it all about her. I’ve got a great therapist to work with me on this but I’m dreading the fallout and family dynamics ahead.