I've started shouting at my toddler and I hate myself for it

[ShoutyMcShout]

Title says it all really. My 2 year old has always been a handful and I suffered with terrible PND which I got past when she was 18 months old. I'm a SAHM which I loved and to be honest, I still wouldn't change it. I think I was coping okay and learning how to manage her tantrums and general demeanour etc until I got pregnant with DC2 (planned). I think it's a combination of pregnancy hormones but also the anxiety when she acts up- I just wonder how on earth I will cope with a newborn AND DD1's high maintenance personality, and then I snap. It's like I shout before I've even had a chance to think or process what's happening. I honestly try not to and I start the day reminding myself that I will not shout...but something during the day will trigger me and it all just goes out of the window. It doesn't happen everyday but it is becoming increasingly frequent and I am getting worried, hence asking for help here. Please be gentle...I feel terrible and have already had a few cries this past week after losing my temper.

It's strange because people know me as calm and collected. I even shock myself when I shout. I tried talking therapy when I got pregnant with DC2 as my anxiety was quite bad. Unfortunately I didn't find it all that useful and now with the cost of living crisis, I really can't afford private services and therapies.

I think a lot of my anxiety/rage is rooted in my own childhood. Has anyone been through similar? I did a search earlier today and someone suggested reading "The book you wish your parents had read" or something like that, so I've ordered that. How can I fix this without going bankrupt? I would really appreciate any tips and advice. Please tell me there's a way to stop. I hate scaring my DD when I raise my voice and I feel terrible instantly.

When pregnant with dc2 I was incredibly snappy with toddler and shouted sometimes. It’s hard when you’re feeling sick and exhausted and your little one turns into Damien.

Everyone I know has yelled at their toddler in this situation so just chill out and don’t worry about it. Say sorry, give lots of cuddles and reassurance and try to get more rest if you can so you avoid doing it too much in future but don’t worry it happens to us all.

I'm sorry you are struggling. I used to shout at my DC too when they were younger so no judgement here. I really recognised myself in your post. I have to say that what's helped me most is therapy - expensive, but so worth it for my quality of life and my relationships. I wonder whether you found the right therapist for you? Sometimes it takes a few gos to find a good fit.

Sometimes anger can be hiding another emotion. E.g. when I am angry it's often because underneath I feel sad and alone. Could something similar be going on for you? E.g. it sounds like you might be feeling a bit anxious about coping with two DC, and maybe that anxiety is coming out as anger?

In general I think I was way too hard on myself when my DC was small, and as a result I was too hard on them too. I am much easier on myself now and I find I get angry rarely.

I also really recommend the book How To Talk So That Kids Will Listen. I think there is also a version for toddlers. SO useful - some of the strategies are almost magical!

Totally understand how you feel. I feel awful when I get angry and shout at my toddler. And it's usually not because he has done anything wrong, it's usually because I'm tired and not taking care of myself. I know it's difficult not to be tired with another on the way - I've just found out I'm pregnant so worrying about this too now. But if you feel yourself shouting at her, try to schedule in some "you" time. Ask someone else to look after her for even just an hour if you can, put her in front of the tv for an hour, after she goes to bed make sure you're just relaxing and getting rest, don't be doing any housework! Do something you enjoy doing. I find if I'm feeling better, then I manage to deal with a toddler better. I really hope you manage to work through this!

Other books:
How to talk so kids will listen
Playful parenting

What exactly triggers you?

I was the same: completely calm and collected until I had a toddler. I would say that occasional shouting is fine, but shouting (I mean proper out of control yelling) should not ideally be a daily occurrence. So number 1, you need to look after yourself. Whether it’s sleep or therapy or whatever, prioritise it because it’s for your child as well as you. What helped for me was lowering my standards quite a lot, so I was less frustrated. See if you can do less and expect less from your child. It’s really normal and remember you don’t have to be perfect. Kids don’t need perfect parents.