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Best books for first time mum?

41 replies

IamJob · 08/02/2022 19:33

Hi all, not too far into pregnancy but realised I know nothing - like literally nothing - how to clothe baby (layers?), temperature, winding baby, how often babies feed, how to bathe a baby and how often and so on!!

Is there a book that covers this or how do you find out!!??

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LlamaLucy · 08/02/2022 21:27

I completely agree with everything you’ve said. I LOVED bringing up bebe too

BertieBotts · 08/02/2022 21:28

“what mothers do, especially when it looks like nothing” by Naomi Stadlen.

This. Also I hear "the book you wish your parents had read" is very good.

I'm not a fan of Sarah Ockwell-Smith either even though I am fairly aligned with her views. She is just really wishy washy in writing them out and I felt frustrated!

Love Amy Brown's books, although some of them are much too wordy for the postnatal period.

But TBH I have read over 40 parenting books because I enjoy them, and you don't need any books for babies. You really don't. You learn as you go, which sounds overwhelming but it's true. They don't do very much when they are first born and they only get more challenging slowly.

Join NCT or some non-NCT alternative, so you can meet other first time parents in real life. That's invaluable.

Find your MN antenatal thread and join that so you have some other pregnancy-and-sleep-deprivation crazed people to talk to on the internet (and they won't confuse you with American advice/norms).

The only things that you need to know how to do with a newborn are dress them - and this becomes fairly obvious fairly quickly. You just take a layer off if they're too hot and put another layer on if they're too cold. Blankets count as a layer. If you fold it in half it's two. Don't overbuy clothes before birth, because you'll find what's cute before birth is impractical after birth and you'll gravitate towards whatever you find easiest and go and buy a multipack of those from the nearest supermarket. But everyone's preference is different. So it makes sense to start with basics and top up once you've worked out what you like.

Put on a nappy - this is incredibly straightforward but midwives will also be happy to show you how to do it if you feel nervous the first time. If you have a boy point the willy down. If you have a girl wipe away from the vulva to avoid getting poo in it. You can get reusable nappies and/or reusable wipes.

Feeding - probably the most complicated thing but there are so many books written about breastfeeding. It isn't a bad idea to read one. You'll generally be fine whichever one you pick, but actually, the best thing for breastfeeding is to follow a load of BF specialists on social media (this will also probably give you pointers for a book you're likely to enjoy). Be aware that you'll forget everything you've read as soon as the baby is actually here, don't panic, again, midwives and HCAs in hospital are there to help you get feeding established. The most important thing is to know where to go for help if e.g. you've got home and the support has dropped off, or if you don't find that the support you've been offered is helpful, or if your mother in law is putting worries in your head. That's why the social media experts are helpful because there is a constant drip-drip of useful, high quality, breastfeeding-supportive info. (If you want to be sure they are actually expert and not just making it up as they go along, IBCLC is a good qualification with quite rigorous standards.)

If you plan to mixed feed there is a book about that now - Mixed Up by Lucy Ruddle. If you plan to formula feed you could look at Why Formula Feeding Matters by Shel Banks - it's not actually released yet so no idea if it's any good but I would expect so. But again you will learn how to make up a bottle in hospital, or start with ready made, and the instructions are on the box, it's fine, you get there :) You will have access to a health visitor clinic to ask any questions that might come up later.

You will probably be prompted at first in hospital how often to feed/change and it's up to you whether you continue this frequency at home or not, but it's a starting point. Your baby will soon let you know if you have left it too long.

It's quite useful to have someone show you how to wind - just ask anyone you know who has had a baby. If they all have different methods, great. Not all babies need winding every feed, but it's something to try if they aren't settling.

For bathing you just put them in water and wipe them with a soft flannel or sponge, it is pretty straightforward. You can buy bath thermometers which show you the right temperature for the water. When they start to get sticky you can add soap, as they get bigger you support them less until they are sitting totally alone in the bath and then it's easy.

Your midwife or health visitor is likely to talk to you about safe sleep (avoiding cot death/accidental injury or suffocation) and safety in the home e.g. don't leave baby on a changing table/unattended in a bath etc. It is not a bad idea to do a baby first aid course.

Using your car seat/pram etc - the instruction manual will help and there are usually great demo videos on youtube as well.

And that's ALL you need to do for the first few weeks/months.

If your baby won't sleep alone it would be useful to get a book about safe co-sleeping. Sweet Sleep or Three In A Bed are two I read and enjoyed, the No-Cry Sleep Solution also has guidance in.

Later when you start to get close to weaning you can look for a book about that and/or your health visitor will probably invite you to a weaning talk. In some areas this is now online but at least you know it's NHS approved.

If you struggle with sleep and want to do something proactive you can find lots of books about that. Or struggle with sleep but just want some reassurance that the baby won't still be in your bed at 19, there are books to help with that.

What's the most useful (IMO) when your baby is about 18 months old is books about toddler behaviour management and there are some really good ones around now. How To Talk is still a classic. The Whole Brain Child/No Drama Discipline also great.

Good luck! And don't take everything you read as gospel! Many of the books contradict each other and my take on that is that there are MANY right ways to raise a baby/child. Don't stress over following something exactly if it is not working for you.

IamJob · 08/02/2022 21:29

Thanks all so much! Lots of good suggestions here!! I’ll look at the NHS website too. Thanks also for the too to avoid c-section shaming woman as I’ve been told already it’s my only option. I forgot about antenatal classes. Hopefully they’ll be useful too.

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BertieBotts · 08/02/2022 21:31

And YY S O-S comes across as really judgy on certain topics as well which just makes me roll my eyes these days.

IamJob · 08/02/2022 21:32

@BertieBotts thanks so much thats a fantastic post!

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BertieBotts · 08/02/2022 21:33

This is VERY worth a read but warning it will ruin a lot of parenting books for you. In a helpful way though (I think!) It made me take a step back and see some books through a bit more of a critical lens.

www.theguardian.com/news/2018/jan/16/baby-advice-books-industry-attachment-parenting

BrambleRoses · 08/02/2022 21:35

They don't do very much when they are first born and they only get more challenging slowly

This wasn’t true for me at all.

Well, I suppose it was true he didn’t do much, but having a newborn hit me like a tonne of bricks. I knew in an academic sort of way he wouldn’t want to be put down but I wasn’t prepared for how relentless it was. I didn’t understand colic and how distressing it was for us both. I didn’t realise what a state overtired babies get into. I had an awful day where I cried my eyes out because I couldn’t get DS to stop crying. I now realise he was shattered.

I’m not singling you out here @BertieBotts, please don’t think that Flowers but those sorts of remarks were so damaging for me. I couldn’t understand why I was finding it so hard when MN insisted all DS needed was milk and cuddles.

BertieBotts · 08/02/2022 21:44

Ah sorry Bramble, I didn't mean it in that sense.

It is absolutely a huge transition when you have a baby. That's why I really liked the book "What Mothers Do" - as it addresses this brilliantly and really helps you to feel less alone. I've bought copies for friends having their first babies before because it was so helpful. I cannot explain how massive it is (it sounds like you know very well) and I don't know whether it's helpful to try and explain this in advance. The book really helps but only when you're going through it at the same time.

I think the problem is that there isn't really a book you can read, or anything you can learn in advance to help prepare you for that incredibly world-shifting transition. The loneliness, the responsibility and the complete shift in your life.

OP is wanting to learn things in advance and I honestly don't think there's a lot that you can learn. But the kinds of things she is worrying about you really do just pick up as you go along. That doesn't mean it is always easy or straightforward, but you do get there in the end.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 08/02/2022 21:46

@BrambleRoses Solidarity. I also didn't get along with the newborn phase either. I don't get what's supposed to be enjoyable about it AT ALL. It's boring, repetitive, thankless and stressful. That first 6 weeks were a GRIND. Once we got to about 6 months though I was away and I love, love, LOVE having a toddler. My little feral sidekick is the best adventure buddy :)

@IamJob YMMV about just about everything. Also, don't forget you baby won't have ready the baby books. They didn't do any work at all for this group project.

BrambleRoses · 08/02/2022 21:46

Definitely and I think while you adapt to poor or broken sleep the sleepless nights do get to you, often without you realising it.

DS has just in the last few weeks started sleeping better - wakes up still but will go back down without much drama and it’s made such a difference to me. I have so much less irritation. I was so irritated all the time I had almost got used to feeling irritated!

InstantUserNameJustAddWater · 08/02/2022 21:52

I found "First Time Parent" by Lucy Atkins to be kind, helpful, practical and not judgemental /espousing one parenting style over another, although it's been a couple of years ago now since I read it. The double page spread of "Sixteen things to try if your baby is crying" and accompanying checklist of reasons why they might be crying was worth the purchase price alone! It also had some useful suggestions of what (not) to buy and when, some basic first aid, generally useful stuff.

Restingbitchface69 · 08/02/2022 21:54

Best piece of advice ever given to me by a HV was "baby hasn't read any books". No book can prepare you for the emotional and physical challenges parenthood brings. They may be able to advise on the practical side but be guided by your baby. They will soon let you know if you're getting it wrong!

IamJob · 08/02/2022 21:59

@InstantUserNameJustAddWater

I found "First Time Parent" by Lucy Atkins to be kind, helpful, practical and not judgemental /espousing one parenting style over another, although it's been a couple of years ago now since I read it. The double page spread of "Sixteen things to try if your baby is crying" and accompanying checklist of reasons why they might be crying was worth the purchase price alone! It also had some useful suggestions of what (not) to buy and when, some basic first aid, generally useful stuff.
Thanks this sounds exactly like what I was thinking of. Kind of a parenting for dummies type book rather than how to raise X type of child or follow Y style of parenting. Like literally what clothes do babies wear - how many layers, what is a good temperature, what’s too hot. How many blankets in a pram is too many, how often to give them a bath. Literally the very basics of what to do. I haven’t a clue!!! That checklist sounds good just to have things in the back of your mind.
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YouWereGr8InLittleMenstruators · 08/02/2022 22:12

Margot Sunderland's "What Every Parent Needs to Know -The remarkable effects of Love, Nurture and Play on Your Child's Development" is warm, down to earth and full of encouragement to embrace a responsive, affirming approach to parenting. DP and I found it the most empowering, informative parenting book by far, and have always agreed we became better parents for it. I have recommended it to so many people, both to my friends and in a professional capacity.

Dochas1211 · 15/02/2022 12:27

Has anyone else read the book recommended by @YouWereGr8InLittleMenstruators I looked at the Amazon reviews and while most are gushing others say it’s a book on attachment parenting and how if you send you child to nursery you’re giving them mental health problems / if you leave them with someone else it’s damaging them.

I’d love to read a good practical parenting book but don’t want to be made feel guilty or like a bad parent if not following a certain approach!

miltonj · 15/02/2022 12:28

The NHS website is brilliant for clearly and succinctly explain the basics, like feeding, sleeping, changing etc and that's all up to date advice based on the most recent research.

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