1 year of no sleep.. anyone else struggling?

[Syra]

I’m now closing in on one whole year of being woken up every 2 hours or more by a non sleeping baby.

I am breastfeeding and planning on weaning soon. I also co sleep and i think it does help somewhat.

I don’t really know why I’m posting to be honest I just needed to write down that I’m struggling. My mental health has been up and down all year. I’ve had issues with grief after losing a family member, Covid has been incredibly intense and now I feel like lack of sleep is really really pushing me to my limits. Im not a good parent when I feel like this.

2 year old breast feeding and co-sleeping.

I will only get a full nights sleep when I stop breast feeding.
I learned that from the last 2.
Once these last molars are out I'm on it.

I was in your position 18 months ago. I needed it to change as was going back to a stressful job where I need to be able to concentrate. I used this

www.drjaygordon.com/blog-detail/sleep-changing-patterns-in-the-family-bed

It worked well - there was crying but my older kids didn’t wake at all. I honestly think I could drive a bulldozer through any of their rooms (including the previously non sleeping toddler) and they wouldn’t wake up.

As your child is one, is there a reason why he can't have a bottle of formula before bed? Just the last feed.

Kids = no sleep, in my experience.

DS2 is nearly 5 and still wakes up and comes through to me. I never sleep trained (co-slept/breastfed) but I'm happy that I didn't, I was worried about the consequences of raised cortisol on the developing brain.

Dr Jay Gordon is a good night weaning method, btw OP.

I recommend night weaning and gentle sleep training. It’s life changing honestly, good for everyone.

@FunkBus

I did lots of reading on the dangers of sleep training (Why Love Matters is an excellent overview of the peer-reviewed studies on the dangers of leaving babies to cry, and the myth of self-soothing).

DS1 has autism (Aspergers) and suspected ADHD, I would never have slept had I not co-slept.

I will never regret co-sleeping, breastfeeding and letting my children become independent at their own speed.

But I do recognise that my approach doesn't work for everyone. It's just how I wanted to do it.

Hi OP,

My LB is BF and we co-sleep. He is a little younger than your little one.

He wakes frequently too and I can settle him easily with breast.

I am tired too! Please ignore negative comments about co-sleeping. Obviously these posters have not done their research. As long as you follow the guidelines for safety. You're a compassionate and responsive parent and should be proud of that x x x x

I feel your pain OP.

With my first son (breastfeeding and co-sleeping) his sleep patterns were so bad and he was constantly waking overnight. I was exhausted. When he was 10 months old I contacted a Sleep Consultant because I just couldn’t cope anymore - she told me the first step to getting him to sleep better overnight was to put him in his own room. So with that advice (which I took that say) and some sleep training I had a sleeping baby (7pm-6am) within 6 days. I continued to breastfeed him until he was 2.5 years old so you don’t necessarily have to stop breastfeeding just so get him to sleep better. You’re breaking the feed to sleep cycle already which is also really important.

My second son (also breastfeeding and co-sleeping) also had awful sleep patterns and I was absolutely exhausted with him. For various reasons I co-slept with him for 12 months and then when I put him into his own room, alongside the same sleep training I had implemented with my first son, he was also sleeping much better within a week. He was breast fed until he was 3 years old which again proves that just because a child is breast fed it doesn’t mean they are going to be bad sleepers until they’re weaned.

I could have wrote this four years ago. I can't really offer any advice other than to say it passes. Can you get some sleep during the day when your baby sleeps?

Sympathy. I had 2 DC who didn’t sleep well, until they were 2.5/3, it was rough. I have virtually no memories of stretches of time!

Jay Gordon’s night weaning helped when DC2 was one.

In retrospect I wish had prioritised my physical and mental health sooner, eg food, gentle exercise, going to bed v early, DH doing more. Took a long time to come back from.

So, so much easier once the sleep deprivation phase passed. DC1 is still a PITA about going to bed mind you, as is DH

I co slept with DC1 out of desperation, and choice for DC2.

@DianaT1969

As your child is one, is there a reason why he can't have a bottle of formula before bed? Just the last feed.

Why? Just why?

As your child is one, is there a reason why he can't have a bottle of formula before bed? Just the last feed

Why do you think that would actually help? I'm interested to know your reasoning?

Your meant to be phasing out bottles by age 1 so it would be silly to start giving one now. Also after 12 months they can have cows milk to drink so why formula? Or indeed why not breast milk? There isn't anything about breast milk that stops children sleeping btw.

Neatly 5 years in now (by the time my first started only waking up once or twice a night I had a new one anyway) and I can say it gets better.
My toddler is a horrific sleeper, as in probably manages a stretch of 2 hours very, very rarely.. but I’m kind on myself and I know it’s normal. I am hoping she will start sleeping better once the last molars come in.

Hi OP,

I was in your exact same situation. I fully support extended breastfeeding but it was getting me down so I weaned him off at 1yo and gave cows milk. I started by night weaning and still feeding during the day (morning, bed time mainly) and the sleep improved massively. Sleep associations are a thing i read lots about...if they fall asleep feeding, every time they stir they'll want feeding to settle themselves again.

I started by using a method called feed to soothe where I fed until he was drowsy but not fully asleep. It took only 3 days and involved barely any crying at all, I wished I'd done it sooner.

I remember one night when my ds was 13.5 months old (my non sleeping year) was the point I stopped feeding through the night.

Would your 3 year old actually wake from the crying, mine doesn’t thankfully, but that could just be luck.
I second not co sleeping, she can smell your milk. Can you not settle her on the boob then transition her to her room?

It sounds like you are really atruggling. Disturbed sleep is so awful. I've definitely been there.

When I cracked, we put the baby in her own room. Let her cry for 10 mins or so before getting up. Reduced number of night feeds and then stopped.

The whole family had some shit nights for a week or so, but there was a quick improvement and it was short term pain for long term gain.

We used white noise in my 3yos room when we sleep trained our 10mo. I was at breaking point - baby could only be fed or rocked to sleep and was doing some mad early waking. We decided that we had to take the chance of waking my oldest for a few nights while we sleep trained. 3yo is a light sleeper, and I dreaded it - but it worked. Given the chance, babies really can learn new sleep associations. Good luck.

My second wooe every 90 min in the night and wanted fed to sleep and we co slept. We had to sleep train for our own sanity at 7 months. It changed my life, suddenly I was not too tired to go out and do things, though I did have anxiety over sleep for a while. My baby seemed a bit more cheery in the day as well and started eating loads more solid food. We thought it would wake our toddler but it didnt, they generally sleep like the dead the first part of the night. We used the disappearing chair method so there was crying but the baby was never left alone to cry. PM me if you'd like the details.

I had the same issue with DD and at 11 months decided to give her a bottle to settle her. I would put her in her cot with it, with the baby monitor on of course.

It may have been a coincidence of course but she started sleeping through after that and I still breastfed her for 14 months. She just needed another comfort other than my boob!

@Moo678 thank you! That link was really interesting. I’m definitely going to do that.

Argh I remember this so well (my youngest is only 2.5 so it's not too far away for me). You poor thing OP it's horrible.

My eldest didn't sleep anywhere but on me in the day and woke - a normal amount - until she was 9m old. Then I put her in her own room and she has slept beautifully since, bar the usual teething/illness/new baby coming interruptions.

Second child slept brilliantly from twelve weeks and I thought I'd got lucky this time, then she hit eight months and my god the gates of hell opened. She woke every two hours, for hours, every single night until she was around eighteen months. I tried everything, except crying it out. Her room was the perfect level of darkness, she was the right temperature, she ate well, she had a great routine (and went to bed happily and easily). She just wouldn't stay asleep or go back to sleep!

Both of my children were mix fed, breast initially, then breast and formula and eventually formula only. Both weaned and ate normally. I never co slept, in our room they both had a Next to Me crib, so they were right next to me but not in my bed. Both moved to their own rooms at 9m.

In the end, after I'd spent a night in tears and then DH had had to pull over in a lay-by for a nap on his way into work, we decided enough was enough with my youngest and I got a sleep consultant in. Best money I ever spent. She rejigged our routine timings wise, we moved feeds, meals, everything over a matter of weeks (so it wasn't an instant fix) and tried a few different things including not getting her out of bed when she woke (we had been taking her downstairs to settle so she didn't wake the eldest). It took some time, she was never left alone or distressed, but she did learn that when she woke she needed to settle back down.

I'd say after about a month or so we cracked it. She's 2.5 now and we've had a year now of her going to bed at 7, sleeping 12 hours and still napping for two hours in the afternoon. Hopefully she's past the baby stage now so we shouldn't ever (I hope and pray!) go back to night wakings like it.

Your baby is not too much younger than mine was when we started, at over a year some gentle sleep training is definitely ok and possible. As I said I've never done crying it out methods I don't like it, but sleep training doesn't have to mean leaving your baby to scream. I do think gradually moving your child into their own room would be helpful though, the first thing to eliminate is disturbances and for all you know sleeping together could be waking the baby. Start with day naps in their own cot first, get them used to the move, the room etc.

Thank you @brunetteonthebus for taking the time to write that. It’s really reassuring to read.

Things felt very bleak at 4:30 this morning when he decided it was getting up time. I’m feeling more positive now. Managed to get a nap between 7 and 8am so that’s helped!