Struggling with 5 month old

[HelloItsmeAgain1]

Really struggling atm. Am generally quite a patient person (worked with troubled children pre-mat leave and have dealt with all sorts). My baby has never slept well despite us hitting the tired cues early, trying to get the perfect sleeping environment and always trying our hardest to make him feel safe and secure. He is, or ar least was, generally a happy baby despite this. I EBF and do so on demand. I would never leave him to cry. I've had no issue with any of this before and will run myself ragged for him as he's a baby and this is my job. Went through 4 month regression where he woke up heaps at night and again it was tough but got through it, each day was a new day.

But for some reason, since he turned 5 months about 2 weeks ago I'm really struggling. Everything suddenly feels impossible. I'm really struggling with the daytime naps which seem to have got even worse. There is a real lack of routine, but I can't fix this as his sleep is so poor that if he's been screaming hysterically and gone to sleep 2 hours later than expected, I'm not going to wake him up to bath him at the 'right time' for example. I spend hours of my day lying with him, putting him in a sling, shushing him, using white noise, going out my once a day in the sling or pram. I spend my whole day in the same three rooms unless I'm out for exercise, feeling frustrated, angry and depressed. Whatever ends up working one time doesn't work the next time and will have taken hours to get to. I'm starting to feel incredibly down about the whole thing.

I'm missing out on my virtual classes and virtual catch ups as the timing's always bad and he ends up screaming or almost asleep. He's 'almost asleep' for hours sometimes!

I'm constantly tearful, DP is the same. I almost regret having him because nothing I do is ever good enough and I must be a shit mum to not be able to deal with it and to feel so angry at this poor baby. I know he just wants to be on me but at the same time he doesn't and he'll struggle out of the sling and arch his back like he's really annoyed.

My family say lockdown is probably making it worse but tbh I don't want to go anywhere and I think I'd be cancelling everything anyway! I'm not even sure what I want from this. Does everyone go through this? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel or does it just get worse? Keeping in mind I actually found the newborn stage ok.
Am I just missing a trick here or is this something everybody goes through no matter what and everything magically gets better at six months? Help!

You’re putting WAY too much pressure on yourself. Take a deep breath, you’re a good mum. Some babies don’t sleep well and it’s a curse you can’t always lift with action. I know it’s really hard as my ds was exactly the same. Things will start to get easier eventually. At 5 months throw the idea of ‘routine’ out of the window. People will ask you again and again, “do you have a solid routine? It really helps blabla...”. People don’t realise that maintaining any kind of routine is near impossible when your baby won’t even sleep in the first place and shuns whatever pattern you try to dictate. Do what you can. He’s still really little and just needs milk, a bit of play and comfort. It’s hard to cope with a small baby that doesn’t sleep, let alone during a time where you can’t reach for support from friends and family. I found that once my son was eating 3 meals a day a natural routine fell into place and he slept much better. You’re doing great, op! Keep it up, it’s natural to feel worn out and tearful- it doesn’t make you or your dh bad parents it just makes you parents!

I have a nearly 4 year old and a nearly 9 months and with both them 5 to 7 months was definitely the worse time. It does get better.

Thank you. It's good to know a routine isn't the be all and end all. A few of my friends with older kids keep saying I've probably got into bad habits and keep asking what we're doing as if there's an answer, but there is so much we've tried.

Hi seen your message my heart goes out to you how about scrapping sleep routine for a few days and see what the babies natural rhythm is when they get tired and would naturally fall asleep and work a new routine around that? Just a suggestion x

I could have written this 3 months ago! So many people told me 5/6 months was amazing, but my DS was a nightmare then. He went through a sleep regression, waking more at night. And naps were terrible, I struggled to get in any kind of routine and he spent most of the day whingy and tired! Butttttt, he is now 8 months and although still a challenge is so much better. We have had 2 x 1 hour naps already today, both self settled (!!) which i wouldn't have believed possible at 5 months. Just power through, you are doing great, things will get better

Between 4-6 months was a sleep nightmare. Fighting naps and only napping for half an hour at a time. It got better at around 6.5/7 months. You are putting yourself under a lot of pressure; a lot of sleep development for a lot of babies is developmental. Keep doing what you are doing and it will get there.

As a disclaimer, we did also end up sleep training at around 8 months to take his dummy away, but when I felt he was ready and he had everything else in place. For us it was really painless and didn't involve much crying. It doesn't have to be a cruel process.

With you in solidarity. DS is almost 5 months. Doesn't want to nap in his pram not on me anymore but not for long. Cries a lot more than he did. It's a riot.

You've just described my firstborn @OP! He was an absolute nightmare and I'd wonder what on earth id done to deserve a child like that. Then around the 8/9 month sleep regression, something switched and he was a lot more settled and even though he relied heavily on me to put him to sleep (he still does and is 19 months old now), it wasn't as bad as it had been. We'd tried everything when he was a tiny baby to try and get him to sleep/settle but he wasn't having any of it. It took for a mum at playgroup to say 'you've just got a tough baby' for me to relax my shoulders and accept my fate! It does get better- go easy on yourself. I've got a second now and I go about my daily business and refuse to tread on eggshells as I'd done with my first- so try to put him down and if he doesn't settle the first three times, give up and have him with us until he's so tired he's falling asleep in our arms.

My first baby's unsettled state contributed to my PNDbecause I thought I was a crap mum. Could you be going through something similar?

Thank you, I actually feel a lot better already! I was worried I was getting into terrible habits and making everything worse. @titnomatani I will keep an eye out on PND. I hope you are ok now.

Hi op, I can relate! My boy is younger, just 4 months tomorrow in fact. But I know what you mean about people saying what you 'should' be doing, it's very grating especially when we know we are doing our best but made to feel not good enough. You sound like you're doing fab and your baby is lucky to have such a caring mum xxx

PS, I type this while eating pizza in bed... We usually try to put the boy down about 7.30 ish but he went hysterical earlier this evening so we put him in his cot at 6 and he's still spark out! Will probably be awake at 10pm wanting to play now but that's a Then Problem. For now I'm enjoying the quiet time 😂

Does he settle if you breastfeed him? Boobs have amazing powers Xx

My lo is the same age as yours and I'm finding this phase tough too! I haven't read the full thread but just wanted to say you're doing your best. When things are tough I keep reminding myself that at this age, everything is a phase, it will pass and easier days will come.

I follow a couple of sisters in Instagram called calmandbrightsleepsupport they give massive amounts of free advice regarding naps and sleep. I've found some of it really helpful with my lo. Sometimes just seeing other people asking the questions I've had in my mind is comforting - we're not alone in this.

Hope things get easier for you soon ♥️♥️

We have no routine at 7 months.
Just let it go. If she looks tired I try a nap but if after 30 mins we are getting nowhere we move on.
Do the virtual classes, at a physical class no-one gives a shit if babies are crying or whinging. They are for your benefit not his so crack on, at least online you can mute if necessary!

It’s really hard, I was loving mat leave until lockdown, now finding it very hard. It’s bloody boring. I miss my lovely new friends and lovely new life. It won’t come back before I return to work, absolutely gutted as this is my only baby

I really feel for you op. For me 4-6 months was the hardest - awful sleep at night and nap battles in the day. This is all made so much harder when there's so much 'information' out there about how you can 'fix' your baby's sleep problems. I ended up feeling massively guilty for feeling frustrated and felt that I was doing a shit job. I can really understand why they say PND is most common around this time.
We're now at 8 months and napping in the day is still an issue, but night sleep has got so much better - we've done absolutely nothing to help this along - it was a case of being there for DD and waiting for her to get there when she was ready.
The single thing that has helped me through this is to stop getting into a battle with the naps. If DD is showing tired signs I'll try and help her to sleep (we rock or walk in the pram). If she kicks off massively I stop trying and retry in a while. If that doesn't work I just switch to trying to jolly her through her tiredness until she is absolutely knackered. I find that I'm much less stressed and in turn she seems happier.
I'm guessing you'll be starting to wean fairly soon and it's true that you will probably find a little bit more routine as you settle into that.
Go easy on yourself - you're facing the hardest job in the world in really difficult circumstances so its understandable that you're finding it tough.
It sounds like you're a really caring mum and doing a great job x

Thanks for such lovely messages.

If it's taking hours to get him to sleep, do you find just keep going or give up? I feel awful when I think he's spent so much of a day not doing anything else.

@roobine ok good idea I will try!

@HelloItsmeAgain1 I would say definitely have a break from it if you're spending loads of time just trying to get him to nap and it's not happening...
I know there's loads of info out there about how much sleep / naps babies need, but it's really ok to be led by your baby - they're all individual and will have their own pattern / needs.
I'd been really stuck on the fact that my dd 'must' have 3 naps as that's what the books say, but it was such a mission getting her to do that. More recently I dropped it down to 2, and sometimes she'll only have one nap a day. There's a lot of scaremongering about lack of sleep affecting their development etc, but I really think my dd just doesn't need so much sleep - since we've dropped she's sleeping much better at night and is ahead on all her milestones so definitely not holding her back at all...
I'd say maybe try it out for a few days and be led by your baby. Always worth a try, and if you find it doesn't work for you you can always go back to how you've been doing things previously.
Have you read the Gentle Sleep Book by Sarah ockwell-smith? I found the info in there helpful / reassuring. Her Instagram is also really good x

Thanks @roobine :) I really like Sarah ockwell-smith and that book! It helped me a bit but I feel like ds is still getting overtired every day and we're really failing him. For some reason we just can't get him to fall asleep and I hate the thought that we've made him insecure somehow!
I'll give it a reread tomorrow with fresh eyes.

If you just accept your baby isn't a good sleeper it's a lot easier. We tried all the tricks and ours want sleeping well, we didn't even notice the 4 month regression as he was already a bad sleeper. Now he is 6 months we have a bit of a strategy but nothing like a routine.
Basically we try to just extend naps as long as possible by running to him and rocking him the moment he starts making a noise. We can work out whether he's just stirring or actually not happy. Then a third of the time we can get more sleep in him. A long walk in the pushchair early afternoon can sometimes get 2 hours nap. Then keep trying a couple more again might only be 45 minutes to an hour. By the evening he is almost always overtired and struggles to nod off. And at 5 months and before he would often wake an hour or two after going to sleep and scream and cry for up to two hours.
When he was up to two or three months old his bed time was 3am, now he's going down for the night any time between 10pm and midnight.
We found sitting in the baby bath and splashing for 10 minutes last thing really helps with going off to sleep, but it's not a guarantee at all.
Most of what we do is just following what he wants to do, we gave up any thoughts of following the received wisdom or normal routine. I'm sure he will turn out ok, assuming we survive the sleep deprivation!

Forget about routine in terms of timings, I agree never wake a sleeping baby for a bath or something like that. But try a routine in terms of order you do things/cues for bedtime. For example, nappy change, pjs on, story, bf, bed. And I know this sounds weird, but maybe you are trying to do too much to settle him? I think I did this with my first, kept interfering by rocking etc. when he just needed to be left to go to sleep. Have you tried dark room, comforter or dummy, white noise? I did pick up put down with DS2 and that worked ok. But it is really hard and compounded by lockdown, you can do this x

Could you feed him to sleep? I know we aren’t supposed to but thats the only thing that works with my 4 mth old.

@Grumpy please don't worry about "not being supposed" to feed to sleep. Breastfeeding is physiologically designed to make babies sleepy! In the evening and at night, breastmilk contains higher levels of melatonin (sleep hormone). Boobs know exactly what to do 😉 xx

I'm all for feeding to sleep. :) Doesn't always work but that and having him in our bed is my go to.

We have bit more of a routine now when we get up in the morning which is keeping me sane at least. I'm also stopping if it isn't working after a certain amount of time. He's having good and bad naps but we feel better which is hopefully helping him long term.

I can only feed to sleep. I wish I knew the tricks. I also feel like a terrible parent when the overtired crying starts.

Do you think it's best to be consistent with where the naps are or try different things? There are so many views on this and no consistent approach like for other things.

@HelloItsmeAgain1 I could have written your exact post. My baby boy is 5.5 months old and has started refusing naps even when he’s clearly shattered, arches away from me if I try to rock him to sleep but cries if I put him down to try and shush him. I spend hours trying to get him to nap and he often wakes up after just 30 mins. He’s been so good up until now and I’m really struggling with it. I’ve spent most of this morning in tears because I just don’t know what to do for him and I feel like an awful mum. I love him to pieces and just feel like I’m letting him down. I’m so sorry I don’t have any advice, I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone :(