Strict Dad

[ARMum]

I have two boys with my Husband. My eldest is 9 and youngest 6.
I am after some advice because my husband is extremely strict with my eldest son. He has little tolerance and only communicates with him by shouting. It is like he is on some sort of power trip. If I tell my husband I disagree with his parenting, he then gets cross at me for being too soft or lazy (I am not!).

My husband feels it ok to invent new rules, and take things away from my son without warning. My Son then gets defensive and it ends up in a massive argument.

There is no way to talk about this to my husband- I have even written him a letter to prevent an argument. Nothing works. He is convinced he is correct. It is creating a negative energy in the house and my son is so unhappy.

My youngest son can do the same as my eldest but doesnt get the same punishment. Although as he is getting older, my husband is starting to become more strict with him too.

Any advice? I try to take the boys out as much as I can.

This sounds slightly more abusive than just "strict" if you ask me.

I have no advice really, other than that I wouldn't find this acceptable.

I think it stems from his father being strict with him. He feels it is now his time to be 'head of the house'. His father only had a step dad who was strict too. I really need to break the cycle with my son!
Its hard because my son is at a difficult age and is testing boundaries. If I spoke to the Doctor or Health visitor, would they be able to reccommend parenting classes? Should I secretly film him, so he can watch how bad he is?

ARMum the situation with your son sounds terrible, especially the bit about your DH inventing new rules and randomly punishing him. This can cause mental health issues as your son will be constantly stressed and uncertain. Is your son afraid of him?
It’s not good enough to say your DH was brought up this way, we can all decide to stop damaging behaviour if we choose.

What about you? How does he treat you? Apart from disregarding your views on how your children are treated?

He’s a bully, isn’t he?

Strict and communicating only via shouting are not one and the same.

Your dh is a bully. He is allowing the ds to become scared and withdrawn.

This is not strict. This is not parenting.

This is abuse.

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I'm strict. I calmly clarify to my kids the need to say please and thank you, to follow certain instructions promptly, to listen as much as possible and to have respect for those around them.

Once in a while they push all those buttons with naughty behaviour and I become shouty mum. I hate it, they hate it, but there's only so many times you can say "put your shoes on" in one morning before it becomes a shouted instruction.

His go to appears to be shouting. He doesn't have set rules or boundaries. He uses his anger to control and belittle your son.

He is not strict. He is a bully.

You say your 9 year old is at a difficult age, what does that mean in terms of his behaviour?

There are times when he is loving towards him. But this is rare. I wouldn't say my son is scared, he answers back and gets frustrated.
My husband isn't the most supportive. I have had some issues with anxiety lately which he doesn't understand and just tells me to 'get over it'.
He is hard work and very much driven by what people think of him; we need to have a nice car, our kids need to be well behaved at all times.

This would not be acceptable behaviour in our house, your poor son.

He needs to change or something needs to change

Is keeping the kids well behaved your responsibility? Is that why you’re feeling anxious?

Oh poor lad.
Something drastic needs to happen here.
He is not a good father.

you are letting him be head of the household and been abusive to your son

You know what you need to do

@ARMum does he shout at you?

His behaviour will affect your sons mental health and how he develops in his relationships with others. Your husband is a bully and your enabling it by keeping the peace and covering for his behaviour by labelling it 'strict' rather than bullying and abusive. You need to tell him to seek immediate councelling or leave him for your sons sake. Your son will remember his behaviour and likely resent you when he becomes an adult if you dont act. Your husband doesnt have to have the power and as your sons mother you should be protecting him, not forcing him to live with an abuser who you admit rarely shows him love.

My anxiety is about work mostly - not Parenting related.

I am unsure of how to convince him he needs to change. I stick up for my Son all the time and I try to do so by having a quiet word with my husband so I am not seen as going against him by my Son. It always ends up in an argument. I have told him to let me do all the parenting for a week or two and see how it goes. He agrees, but within a couple of hours he is back telling my son off again.

Dinner is a big sticking point. My son doesn't like to use cutlery, as a result he is told off which then means he doesn't eat. I am of the feeling as long as he eats I don't really care about cutlery. I just make sure he can use it, and he does use it when we are out. Am I too soft?

I agree with others shouting and strict are very different things.
I would say I'm strict (ie I expect the rules to be followed) however I dont raise my voice at the kids.

My mum "disciplined" us by shouting and now I just recoile at angry shouting. Your son will grow up to resent this and him. I'm with hero complex is he just a bully?

Hmm...I wouldn't want to sit and have dinner with a 9yo who eats their meals at the table with their hands (pizza and corn on the cob excepted).

No need to shout about it though. A simple "at the dinner table, we use our knives and forks" will do. Certainly they will be expected to use cutlery at school.

He does use cutlery- just like to put the knife down and use a fork on its own most of the time. Spaghetti bolognese without cutlery would be interesting!!!

Are you too soft or is he too strict? Actually probably a bit of both! None of us on the internet can really tell. Do you shout at your husband? Or undermine what the has said to the children?

The main thing I get from your post is that you two are not in the same place and you both are unhappy and want to change each other.
I don't know the solution but wanted to let you know that you are far from alone with this problem.

My partner and I are similar to you and our children seem ok when with only one parent (stick to that parent's rules) but chaos ensues when we are together. It is like they know there is a weakness and exploit it!

We are working hard on backing each other up, even though it can be uncomfortable.

Does he have the boys on his own at all? When he does do they abide by his rules?