Hubby left 18 month old home alone - advice needed please

[MamaBear0307]

I found out tonight that my husband left our 18 month old alone in the house sleeping whilst he popped to the corner shop to get beer. Now that I’ve found out about this I strongly suspect this isn’t the first time this has happened.
I’m actually in shock that he could be so selfish. I am a very relaxed mother but this I am not ok with.
The shop is 30 second walk from the house so not a massive distance.
Please tell me what you think, what would you do? How would you react and handle this?

Thank you xxx

[MamaBear0307]

@applesandpears23 I totally agree. Which is why I get upset that DH smokes in the garden with patio doors and a kitchen door between himself and DS.
I am a very laid back mother but even I know that a toddler can get up to all sorts in a short amount of time.
I now feel like I can’t leave DS with my husband because I can’t trust him now, which is really really sad.

[onalongsabbatical]

OP, you say you know he has a drinking problem but he doesn't? So that's really the issue, not picking apart the rights and wrongs of this single incident. Because he'll continue to make dangerous decisions and lie to you until he's ready to admit to his problem. This is very worrying and distressing for you. I guess your first move has to be to no longer let him look after his own child, which may shock him into realising how serious this is.
for you, you must be really upset.

[onalongsabbatical]

Cross-post re not leaving DS with him. You're right to feel this.

[MamaBear0307]

@onalongsabbatical
Oh yes, the drinking is a problem. It’s not a “I must drink every day or in the morning” kind of problem which is why he thinks his drinking is not an issue and brushes it off.
We’ve been together for 12 years and he’s always loved to party, sometimes at the expense of our relationship but now this is impacting on our son.

I’m partial to wine and could have two bottles a week but I’ve cut down because I was seeing the impact drinking has on DH and how he doesn’t have the energy for our toddler so it has really put me off.

In the last 2 months there’s been a few weekends where he’s had too much to drink which has made him too tired or hungover so he misses precious family time.

I need to approach this latest situation so he changes his drinking ways. It’s a sad situation because I don’t want to make him feel like a bad father because he is a good man

[Wolfiefan]

If he has a problem with alcohol but won’t admit it then what are you going to do? You can’t change his behaviour. Only your response to it

[onalongsabbatical]

I need to approach this latest situation so he changes his drinking ways well, if only it worked like that. He will only change when HE wants to change. You can only do what's right for you, which is protect your child. How he responds to that is out of your control, I'm afraid.

[MamaBear0307]

@wolfiefan I really don’t know what to do about it. I’m not going to leave him and I will give him a chance to change his drinking habits if he is prepared to admit that there’s a problem even if it’s a minor one. Perhaps I’ll show him this thread it might help get his head out of the sand.

[MamaBear0307]

@onelongsabbatical
You are so right.
But what I mean is I could go in blazing, scream, shout, be angry, but that’s not going to get me anywhere it will just get his back up. I know from experience as I’ve mentioned regularly how his drinking impacts on family time.
If I react in a way that gives him a chance to think about what he’s done and how his drinking resulted in him leaving our child at home alone then maybe he’ll realise off his own back that he does have a problem.

[BlueJay1]

I'd be really cross and upset if my DH did this.
There is no excuse or reason to leave a baby in the house and go anywhere.

But it will be YOUR mistake if you leave him alone with baby again and something happens. As you now know he is leaving baby. And drinking a lot. So make sure you have stern words about this and/or other childcare provisions.

[onalongsabbatical]

Maybe. But given that alcohol dependency is in part infantile he might feel patronised by that approach. The fact is you don't know. I agree the blazing approach is unhelpful but that doesn't mean that the reasonable approach will work. Sorry. Are we calling spade a spade? Is he, in your view, an alcoholic?

[MamaBear0307]

@onalongsabbatical
I don’t think he’s an alcoholic in the sense that he must drink in the morning or every day. But he’s definitely alcohol dependant IMO. Once he starts he can rarely stop and he can happily drink 4-5 nights a week.
Some days he can take it or leave it so does that mean he’s not alcohol dependant ?

[AnotherEmma]

He's an alcoholic in denial and you're in denial too by the sounds of it. You still think he might change.

He is neglecting your child and you should seek advice from NSPCC, call their helpline and see what they say. You basically can't leave the child with him any more. If you did you'd be complicit in his neglect.

I know I wouldn't want to live like that.

[onalongsabbatical]

I think you need to start getting some professional advice, OP. Definitions of alcoholism are not precise, but you definitely think he has a problem, does it matter what you call it? So many agencies out there offer help and they will offer it to you, not just to him. I'm so sorry, this must be awful, because you sound like you're only just realising yourself what's going on. Take a deep breath. As long as you don't leave DS with him you do not have to rush into doing anything immediately. Do you have a real-life friend or family member to confide in? That'll help you cope with the impact of this.

[KennDodd]

I actually think the drinking is more of an issue here.

[MiraculousMarinette]

Take it from someone who's been where you are now. If he no longer understands that being bladdered whilst looking after a toddler is fucking stupid and selfish, he's not far away from drinking in the morning. People like him have their definitions of right and wrong totally messed up. To him the only right is feed his need to be pissed. You are not right, your child's safety is not right, alcohol is right.
Don't kid yourself thinking your softly-softly approach will achieve anything.

[onalongsabbatical]

How are you doing, OP?

[colditz]

You can't ever leave your child alone with him again.

[MamaBear0307]

@onalongsabbitical
Still in shock and feeling deflated on the situation.
Thank you for asking that’s really kind of
You xx

[onalongsabbatical]

Back off, aggressive posters. OP is taking it on board and she's upset. Be kind. She's NOT the one who needs people being hard on her here.

[onalongsabbatical]

OP go slowly. As long as you and DS are safe there's no need to panic, and I don't get any sense that your DH is an angry person, not all alcohol dependent people are angry and horrible. He may just be a very unhappy person who copes this way.

[QueenOnAPlate]

I’m a foster carer, and I’m often posting ‘there is no way Social Dervices would take an interest in xyz’ But this is serious. I’ve had many children come to me because they have been left alone- recently one where his parents were in a car accident after they had nipped our for a very small errand. It’s actually very damaging to babies and children - these children are often very anxious when they are left a lot.

[onalongsabbatical]

Just checking in with you again MamaBear? How are you doing? Are you having a conversation about it with him or waiting and processing your thoughts?

[MsPavlichenko]

Alcohol is a problem when using it creates a problem ime. Either for the drinker, or others. Regardless of how often, at what time of the day , or even how much is drunk.

It is a problem for you, and your DC . So he has a problem with alcohol.

[HollowTalk]

The thing is that he makes really bad decisions and when he's drunk that's going to have a much bigger impact. So someone who's sober and has weighed up the likelihood of problems, could nip to the shop for something essential and get back within a minute or two. If you're drunk, though, and bump into someone you know, and don't think you're doing anything wrong by leaving the baby in the house, then it's likely you'll stand and chat and before you know it half an hour has passed.

He makes bad decisions when he's sober, too - standing outside to smoke and closing the door on his child is a very bad decision.

This means that even if he stays sober you still won't be able to trust him to make the right decision, which means you can never leave your child alone with his father. Are you prepared to do that?