Should my ex be allowed to 'veto' my choice of babysitter?

[Tamz77]

This will prob be long and confused, but please bear with me; I have been feeling sick and sad about it all day.

Ex and I split up when I was pg - DS is now 3.5. We live in the same town - his home town, where I have no family and few friends - and try to be amicable to the extent of having coffee together and occasionally tea at each other's houses; have even planned a 'family' holiday together for this summer (quite a risk). However he does have his moments of being VERY verbally aggressive, nasty, patronising and paranoid. I cut off all but necessary contact at the beginning of last winter due to this emotional abuse (as I perceive it; he thinks I am just soft as sh*t) but renewed the above 'socialising' at the beginning of '07 as he seemed to have calmed down a bit and DS loves us hanging out as a threesome.

Cue this week's trouble: to keep it short, we have a nursery parents' evening (no kids) coming up and when I mentioned that I'd ask my neighbour to babysit, ex said an outright "No". It caught me offguard a bit - "Er...why?" She has been my friend for 9 months (and I've only lived in this flat for a yr) and my son knows her very well, sees her sometimes several times a week, and she understands him too which is important as he has speech problems. Ex says he doesn't know her and doesn't trust her and I am NOT to ask her to babysit. Even for one hour! He says we should only ask family, that I don't 'know' any of my friends (and then went on into one of his usual spiels...that I think everybody's wonderful (which I don't) which is to say I'm stupid, naive, and wouldn't know a psychopath if they bit me in the eye).

Does anyone think he has the right to do this? The more I think about it, the more I feel absolutely outraged and totally patronised. I don't have any family up here to babysit, and even if I did, I don't think being related makes someone the best person for the job (eg my mother is slightly mental and I wouldn't let her babysit if she was around unless an absolute emergency). Moreover, if it's a matter of 'knowing' someone, I don't 'know' most of ex's family except for having about two cups of tea with two or three of them over a period of 5 yrs, and as for suitability, ex's chosen family member (to babysit) is currently in hospital recovering from serious, deliberately self-inflicted burns (another story entirely).

I'd like to think we each have the power of veto, so to speak, if one or the other of us is seriously making a terrible decision regarding DS and his safety. But this situation seems to me SO controlling, akin to how ex used to always ask me where I was going, did I have 'company', etc, in a stern and offended voice (as if he had the right to be offended or to even ask), and the way he used to get pissed off if I didn't explain my movements to him. It basically means that, say, I want to do an evening class and arrange childminding, or to go back to work and do the same, I am not 'allowed'.

Incidentally his answer to the parents' evening was that he said he wouldn't go, that he will look after DS "since there is no-one else" and I'll go on my own. This is a once a year thing and our first one!

I have three good friends up here and would trust any of them with DS. He uses this as evidence I would hand DS over to any old stranger and that I am a "lax parent" (his words).

This has made me really sad especially since when I tried to explain why I was upset, I got a load of abuse. Every time ex and I are getting on in a civilised way for a while, he turns on me, or that's what it feels like.

Anyone experienced anything similar or have any opinions?

Legal aid is available for family matters, depending on financial circumstances and the solicitors involved having a franchise in family law from the Legal Services Commission.

Hi Tamz, I admire you because you're trying to do what's best for your DS but there is a fione line between being civil with your ex and controlled by him and he is taking advantage of your love for your child and contolling you.

I think Kaysamuel's advice was spot on - cancel that holiday now!

Hilary, as Freckle is (more politely) saying much of your advice is simply wrong and potentially damaging for people reading this - he's still the dad whether he has the name on the birth certificate of not and a dad as involved as this would get pr pretty much automatically if he applied for this unless there was good reason to the contrary. As for the idea that someone should deny that the father is the father because "unless he's really rich" he cannot seek paternity that is just crap. Legal aid is available and he could go to the court in person and it would cost him next to nothing.

If he had pr and was stupid enough to ask the court to tell Tamz what babysitter she can and can't choose he would be slapped down pretty quickly.

Well when I sought advice from my solicitor and citizens advice I was told this was not covered under legal aid perhaps it is now I don't know but it wasn't when I enquired last year. And all the information I have been given and stated was indeed given to me by my solicitor.

I'm not saying the father should not be involved or to take the child away. I had to in my case as my xp beat me to a pulp on many occasions and infront of my dd.

He started off just like Tamz77 xp.

I am speaking of my experience as are you, I don't see my info as damaging, if a father is a good one then great but if you're unlucky enough to get a bad one you need to be aware of what the future can hold & what options are open to you.

People seem to think me as a rich girl, I'm actually a single mum of 2 and 2 years ago I was pregnant & sleeping rough. I have worked very hard to get where I am so don't think I'm looking down my nose at anyone.

you're right that someone in Tamz' position needs to know what her options are - lying about who the father is when it can be so easily disproved and stating that if dad's name is not on the birth certificate "he's got no say in the matter" are not practical options.

Agreements in writing are not legally binding unless stamped by the court.

I've no idea if you're rich or not and don't think you're looking down your nose at anyone - I'm sure you're trying to help ;I just think people in this vulnerable position should understand that your advice is wrong and potentially damaging

I am also easy going like you, but recently had to call the police because of my ex's aggressive behaviour.
I'd echo advice from others - DONT be sucked into a closer relationship ith your ex, because he sounds like a control freak. cancel the holiday. His relationship ith his child is his responsibility, you dont have to go on holiday ith him, your responsibility ends at handing over/collecting your child at agreed times.

(the letter beteen v and x is not orking on my keyboard at the moment by the ay, leading to an attack of molesorth...)

in anser to your OP, Id say he has a say in the babysitter if (a) he knos the person and knos something against them and (b) he is prepared to offer practical help /pay for a babysitter that you can both agree on.
In the circs you describe, he is being unreasonable.

Hi, thanks all for advice.

Hillary I think indeed the other posters are correct about PR and also about Legal Aid - I myself qualify for it and can get it for this 'case', should it ever be pursued.

The parents' meeting is now this Thurs and I have arranged for DS to go and spend half an hour with my friend and her daughter - ds's friend - who live 2 mins from us and the school.

I told ex (because he asked) and said "Come along to see the teachers if you like, or not."

His reply? "If I don't have a say then there is no point me being a part of DS's life."

I didn't reply to that. Not sure where he's going to go next...

Thanks all of you for reading and responding, it means a lot to be listened to and to have people - even strangers - tell me I am not mentally ill after all!

And good luck to anyone reading this who faces anything similar.

What a ridiculous thing to say! I think you were very wise just to ignore him.

As my solicitor pointed out to me, parents don't have RIGHTS, they have RESPONSIBILITIES.

Fuck him, he's a controlling arsehole and doesn't like you making decisions without his approval. Regardless of how they affect him.

I think you'd be wise to stop contact with him, apart from whatever you've arranged for DS.