Really struggling with my nine year old son. Seem to constantly be arguing and feel like the world's worst mom.

[Splandy]

I may have to drip feed this a bit, sorry. Have to do school run in a bit, but I need to get this off my chest now because it's on my mind all the time, but will probably have more to add later.

I have always found my eldest to be hard work. Not particularly naughty, but always needing attention. I didn't realise that other children weren't like this until he got a bit older. I tried many different strategies while he was younger, things involving timers, rewards, sometimes shouting out of frustration, refusing to do anything in an attempt to bore him into doing things by himself. None of it worked. He is now nine and doesn't ever go into his bedroom or play. Doesn't read or do anything without prompting. Everything is a battle. Added to this is the fact that he is terrified of the dark/being alone, so even getting him to get ready for bed is a hassle. Nothing I say or do makes a difference, lights are always on in the house, he sleeps with a lamp on at night, i weaned him off me going upstairs with him when he brushed his teeth by moving down a step every night and within a few nights he was back to having screaming tantrums because he didn't even want to be in the bathroom without me.

I have a horrible feeling that the issues I have with him are actually just a part of his personality, so I'm basically telling him that his personality is wrong I get so fed up with the constant battles that I am very quick to snap and he shouts right back at me. I think it is really quite minor stuff, but the same stuff over and over again, iyswim. The attitude with which he speaks to me makes me feel very angry. I feel that he is sometimes asking questions just so that he can have a tantrum because he will do it no matter the answer. An example of this is asking what he is having for tea. I hate answering this and try to put it off for as long as possible. Unless it is junk such as a takeaway or pizza, he will have a tantrum. His useless dad (who I feel is a cause of some issues) only ever feeds him junk, so I end up having to give him all of the 'healthy' stuff he complains about. Nothing fancy, just anything which isn't McDonald's or chips or pizza.

I have tried many different strategies over the years with many issues, but feel I just don't have the energy to put into every aspect of our lives anymore. I now also have a fifteen month old and I get so tired and fed up of having to have ways of dealing with such normal, every day things because they are a problem. Will post some more once back from the school run.

Would the gp be able to do anything though if it is just that he is anxious? I know you've picked up on my desperation for him to not be like his dad - this is the only place I can say it. And I do feel desperate! He looks like him, talks like him, moves like him, has his mannerisms... It worries me so much. His dad is banned from all local pubs for fighting. He was sacked when I was pregnant for fighting with a man in the street while he was at work. He has quit three jobs in the past year alone and constantly takes time off claiming he is ill, then quits if they question it. His very high opinion of himself is actually quite srrange and delusional. I've never known anybody else struggle to hold a conversation with me because he's so interested in his own reflection!

I've had a look at that pda page and it is interesting, some of it fits well but other bits not at all.

OP have read all now

Your stress is palpable and I hope you feel better for having it all written down.

With regards to the MIL , she clearly had issues and these Sol have naturally have affected his Dad

But as for your son ? Is anxiety genetic ? I truly don't know

I wouldn't rule out getting some help but take your time to think .

With my DS I am tying myself in knots as he also exhibits some of the worst aspects of his Dad
-sudden anger
-victim Behaviour

And he had my anxiety! God we fuck then up don't we

I also really dislike it when my son behaves like his Dad . And I hate myself for that

This thread has calmed me down a bit as it's does seem to be .aggravated at their age

I am also going to think about that book and like so many in this thread we have anxiety issues
Dark room , tick
The fear , tick
Sociable and ok at school , tick
Anger as a reaction to most things , tick

I feel less alone please keep posting everyone

Definitely worth a trip to the doctors - honestly. I would try to get anyone and everyone on board - speak to the school SENCO, school nurse, etc. Ask SENCO if they can source some emotional/behavioural support for him if possible - my 8yo has weekly sessions with a school 'nurture' group, the in-school counselling room and recently started weekly sessions with an external charity counsellor who deals with anger,anxiety,loss and self-esteem.

If there IS an attachment issue it WILL need professional help.

I have also recently joined a FB group for Therapeutic Parenting.

Don't downplay how this is affecting you and your family. You need to advocate for your son but also yourself and your own sanity. Hugs to you.

Adding things as I remember them ... at our first Camhs appointment she asked me what emotional age I thought DS is. I said 2-3 and that has helped me somewhat in dealing with his behaviour, and lowering my expectations.

Everything Chip said. By the sounds of it, this is not some minor hiccup- it is majorly affecting your whole lives. A GP should be able to refer you to CAHMS (be prepared for long waiting lists!) and in the meantime the school SENCO/nurse may be able to get some support for him in school.

You know, I wouldn't be at all surprised if some of your ex's problems did not also stem from a genetic tendency to high anxiety levels. In blokes that can come out as aggression because they are not taught good ways to deal with their angst and they think it's unmanly to acknowledge their feelings. All the more reason to get the right tactics in place for your son, so he doesn't have to go down that route.

Thanks for those replies - I lurk a lot more than i actually log in so hope it's not too late to reply now. I do worry that I'm colouring things with my own view... I suffered terribly with depression and anxiety for years. I don't consider myself to be depressed right now but have been a little down. My thoughts can spiral out of control quite quickly and I see everything in a negative light.

I'm still not certain a GP appointment would be the right thing. He's getting a little better at bedtimes and going upstairs himself. I think it's just as time passes so the whole Halloween thing has calmed down until next year. A lot of his tantrums are now more like strops where he rolls about on the floor, flailing and whinging. Often don't last too long but still irritating and over the same things every day. He couldn't see his Nan today and she'd told him he could have a pizza when he went. We weren't having pizza here so he cried and stropped about that. Would other nine year olds react that way? He then came in, slammed a letter down on the settee next to me and said 'as if I don't already hate school enough, they've gone and brought in somebody with nits and I HATE NITS.' It's just so over the top and ridiculous over a nit letter. I did my normal thing of being cool about it and pointing out that he's being a bit silly. It actually made me laugh a bit which I shouldn't have done.

I think the thing that bothers me most is his inability to do anything by himself. The atmosphere in the house is just horrible, but again, I think that my own perception affects the way I view things. When I think back to my childhood, we just hung out in the house a lot. I didn't really play with my parents at this age, sometimes played board games, mainly played alone, or with my sister or outside with friends. Spent a lot of time in my room reading and pottering about. We'd often just hang out in the living room, mom and dad would be doing their own thing and we'd dip in an out, mooching around the house, chatting to people, joining in with things. Telly would often be on, might be watching it or chatting or anything. Would start up silly things like balloon fights etc. Totally normal family life. My house is not like that and I hate it. Everything is formal and arranged and planned and suffocating. I can't go to a different room. I know I resent him for making me feel like this in my own house and I need to get over it because he is just a child. When I put the toddler to bed, he has to come upstairs with me. He then repeatedly comes out of his room to check where I am. I snuck out of his room a few nights ago just to get a few minutes alone I my bedroom to chill out because I was feeling so angry and stressed. The fact that I have to sneak around because my child won't ever let me be alone makes me feel like a prisoner in my own house. When i say that everything is formal and suffocating... I have to limit screen time. He has an hour a day on school days and no real limit on weekends. He can't play computer games on weekdays. My mom thinks this may be overly harsh and i don't know whether it is. I think his friends seem to do it a lot more. But his friends also play with toys and turn off the tv by choice when they have had enough. He doesn't ever tire of it or get bored. He had been watching tv solidly for 6 hours on Saturday by the time I made him turn it off. I quite like having tv in in the background but I can't do it with him. If I even put music on through the tv he uses it as an excuse to sit staring at the screen. So once the tv is off, that's it. He doesn't actually do anything with his time, it's like it's all filler. Then I feel like I have to have excuses to not be doing things with him. The fact is I just don't always want to be providing him with entertainment or feeding him or whatever he's expecting from me at that time. He is entirely incapable of keeping himself occupied or enjoying things without the input of other people. Even when you so stuff with him, he can't sit still, he gets bored quickly, he flits from one thing to another. I feel like i struggle to enjoy doing things with him, I just do it because I have to. It's horrible to admit that.

It's so ridiculous but I feel that I now have a psychological problem with Saturdays because the whole day is so difficult. It reminds me of what life was like with him back when I was a single parent, only it was every single day from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to sleep. I also spent most of my time wanting to be dead, so it's difficult for me to know how much of it was just my own view at the time. Anyway, I've gone off on a bit of a tangent there, but my husband definitely struggles with him too and he isn't depressed!

I sometimes start trying to solve the problem again, as I've done many times over the years, and think of ways to improve it. Different ways of displaying his toys, making things more accessible, only showing a few things at a time so he can zone in on them more easily, thinking of what rooms they're kept in and systems for switching toys and craft stuff around. He's possibly outgrown some of that stuff by now but it was relevant for a few years. But then I see other children just getting on and play in and realise that the problem isn't that I don't have exactly the right set-up. It's that he has never, ever wanted to play by himself. I went round to a friends house a few weeks back and her three year old was taking himself off to his bedroom to get toys and play with them with no prompting, like most children do. I struggle to get people to really understand what it's like when your child just won't do anything without you, how suffocating and exhausting it is. They often say 'oh just refuse to do anything with him and he'll get bored and have to play by himself. Hasn't worked once. He's come upstairs with me while I put the toddler to bed. I told him he should find something to do in his bedroom. He asked whether I could help him find something to do. I said no, he's old enough to do that by himself and has a whole room of stuff to chose from. He stropped at that too.

It strikes me that he had you all to himself for a fair while and is struggling to share you now . He follows you because he wants your attention ? How does he get on with his half siblings ? Does your dh get on well with him?

The moving all the time, talking constantly and being moody sounds maybe ADHD-y?

this resonates with me OP so much. I am here because I don't know what to do to help my DS and he is going to be 16 soon. I don't know where to start anxious baby, startle reflex easily, suffered with colic, challenging behaviour. He is a twin also have Dd and she is completely different. I would describe DS as being scared of everything at home I am getting abusive behaviour, abusive towards Dd too yet school reports good very sociable etc. Used to be scared of dark, maybe still is, used to sleep on my bed with me until 12 ish - only way he could go to sleep was having his feet stroked. When he was younger and in his own room had to have audio books as any slight noise would unsettle him. Even know he sleeps with headphones in and has to have door shut. Always hungry but like your DS goes through phases and particular with what he will eat. Used to be cereal so have boxes of cereal in house now won't eat it. Won't eat meat that needs to be chewed. Got very particular about hair recently Fussing over it every morning which I know could be normal teenage behaviour but if it doesn't go right he quickly becomes angry and can descend v quickly into I hate my life. I have suffered with depression for the best part of 25 years. I am also going through an extremely acrimonious divorce. DH I would say is v similar to yours. Own business worked all the time. I was effectively parenting alone. He couldn't handle DS as a baby/ child would get frustrated with him easily because he was an energetic lovely boy. So full of life, inquisitive, happy & smiley yet he couldn't make a noise at tea table or in car on long journeys. If he wasn't quiet or sat still Dh would threaten to throw his favourite toy out the window. I used to sit in the car and pick at my head just waiting for it all to kick off. Dh used to continually say to me stop picking! I didn't realise my marriage was abusive until I started the divorce process. Actually this is not true - the signs were there but I 'chose' not to see them. I can remember wanting to leave but did not know how I would manage financially. I was a SAHM totally reliant on X but still believe this was right for my kids. X had an affair I suspected something but he lied foolishly I believed him. A month or so down the line I was still suspicious and kicked him out. Few weeks into this he became seriously depressed, drinking etc which is out of character and so he came home so I could look after him - yes look after him even though I was probably not much better and Christ knows how my kids were at the time. I can remember telling them daddy needs help. I know now his OW was trying to reconcile with her Dh at time. 3 months later I learn about OW someone he employed. The levels he went to to keep it from me. Roll on 2.5 years he is still with her. The family home has been sold but I managed to remain in it so that we don't have to move before kids GCSEs this year. Kids are having to leave their private school this year because he is saying he cannot afford fees any more.

I have had a constant battle with him over finances which he is manipulating and he has used the kids schooling as emotional blackmail. Dd will have nothing to do with Ow but DS has met her and her kids and been on holiday with them. I know I am digressing but I am trying to give you a bit of background and I believe the behaviour of Dh throughout our marriage in relation to me and the kids has been a significant factor in all this. My depression has not helped but I realise this was probably a reaction to knowing deep down that something was not right but not dealing with it - I am not sure if this makes sense. My Dd was a daddy's girl she could do no wrong in his eyes but she was an Easy baby Pretty content just to sit there and play with her feet except at 4 o'clock when she used to go into meltdown. All the things you describe about playing games etc and being a sore looser this is Dh - he used to try and play board games with kids- DS didn't want to play by the rules he wanted to make his own up, Dd happy to do whatever. Dh would get angry DS not doing as he was told. If the game was finished it was because DS wasn't allowed to play anymore and had to sit and watch Dd & Dh play he would then be rolling around the floor, jumping on cushions anything but sit still which would only make Dh more angry and eventually he would just walk off and I would have to pick up the pieces. I realise this is now what I am doing and feel that I am failing miserably.
My divorce has been a mess - ripped of by solicitor, Dh has manipulated everything and at the moment I am financially worse off than had I settled a year ago. I have only been able to pursue through court as a result of breast cancer and an insurance payout which mostly went on fees. I have been an emotional mess for the last two years but have battled on in the belief that I am doing all this for the kids.

I keep going off track. My house used to be like a show home, my daily life was organised and so was the kids everything appeared to be as it needed to be except it wasn't. My X has no respect for me whatsoever despite 20 years of marriage. When diagnosed with breast cancer the only time he spoke to me was to say have I instigated the insurance claim. He does not seem to believe I have depression despite having medical evidence.
He used to acknowledge DS needed help. We went to a private child psychologist just as marriage was breaking up because DS behaviour was getting more and more abusive but this stopped due to financial reasons and also because I thin Dh didn't want to admit that he could in any way be partly responsible. DS was then referred to pcamhs - he went for one session but then refused to go. There is no co parenting relationship between me & the x unless it is in his interest.
DS came home from school Monday Dd had been off ill - I have been supporting my DB who is also going through major life crisis. I had managed to cook omelette and chips. DS reaction that's not a meal - what do you call that - he then ordered a pizza. Yesterday I had to take the kids to look at a college. DS doesn't want to leave his school but as X won't pay any more he has no choice. All the way in the car I don't want to go here, why are we going, this is pointless, it's going to be rubbish etc. I am trying very hard to keep calm. We have a bit of time and n the car I get if it wasn't for Dd I could stay at my school, she can leave, she's dumb anyway

Then he starts on Dd lying, not telling you the truth find out Dd has manipulated a situation with x to do with contact arrangements this weekend which had caused major ructions last weekend and as a result I posted in relationships. my X is a narcissist. My post in relationships was all over the place but I was loosing it on Sunday. Most of the replies was telling me to calm down, detach from x etc no contact, stop the drama. This is very difficult when he tries to assert his parental responsibility. He won't talk to the kids about anything, he maintains a calm and in control exterior whereas I am often ranting. It's just dawned on me I sound like your DS. I used to have periods where I just went to bed, could no longer cope with everything mainly DS. I would be mentally exhausted. Used to hate the holidays. This half term DS decides to go to a gym. All week I have had look at my biceps, look at my stomach, can you see a difference, can you measure me etc. It was good that he was doing this but it was bordering on obsessive all he talked about all week and I had to drive him there every day and then pick him up a couple of hours later exhausted.

He overheard me on the phone saying I have been a shit mother for the last two years- in trying to get the best outcome for my kids I have been caught up in divorce hell and my household duties have slipped. Nothing is as it was -everything feels and looks like it is out of control and I feel like this too. DS googled how to kill yourself at school. School informed me I was obviously seriously concerned x though it was just a prank. DS is slipping into depression I can see it- when at home he is permanently attached to his phone - his room is a mess clothes all over the floor clean dirty I have no idea I just shut the door. He tidied it up during half term and then within a day it's a bomb site. I haven't got the emotional energy to keep on top of my duties. He is 15 he needs to take some responsibility but as his DF still isn't at 50 how do I do this without the huge battle. DS thinks I'm not normal - he tells me everything is my fault because I do not work -that's why he is having to leave his school. I know he is shit scared of this but some things are just out of my reach.

DS moaned at me because he had to wash his own football kit. None of his friends have to do this. I have failed him by supporting his DF for 20 years who has just thrown me on the scrap heap. How can my DS have any respect for me when his DF has none. I am writing this down OP you are not alone but sadly a lot of your struggles I believe are due to your Dhs behaviour. X family also hugely dysfunctional x didn't speak to own DF for 2 years even whilst living under same roof,
. I am falling asleep I will try and get back to this tomorrow - go and talk to your GP OP - I need to go back and talk to mine. You are doing a great job OP your posts just show how much you really care - there is no financial compensation for what you are doing but you need some support ideally from your DH but from somewhere x

@Splandy hey hope you are ok know it’s been a while since this post. How did things turn out? I’m struggling with my six year old at the moment

OP , please share with us what worked because I'm here down to the T with your post. HELP!!!!