I called my son a 'little shit' today

[Mythreeknights]

And I feel so very ashamed.

As the words came out of my mouth I was completely horrified but seemingly powerless to stop.

He is 7 and didn't even do anything that bad - he got into the front passenger seat of the car through the driver's door and planted muddy footprints all over the seat, which I then sat on.

I apologied immediately and said I shouldn't have said that, but he turned away from me and I could see he was working hard not to cry. I feel like I am wrecking his confidence and totally fucking my kids up. I called DS2 an 'idiot' the other day for saying something completely idiotic.

I feel like I am parenting so very badly - normally I'm pretty relaxed but sometimes I completely over-react. With today's situation I could have just wiped the seats like a normal person and said 'goodness me what a mess' but if I'm honest, I don't believe that would 'deal' with the situation sufficiently to stop him doing it again. (they know they are not supposed to crawl all over the car like it's a toy, and yet they do it).

What do you do when you are maddened by something your kids have done - how do you express your discontent in an adult way? How do I repair the damage I've done? My mum was very controlling and I see that I'm turning into her which is the absolute last thing I want to do.
Parenting tips please!! (I have just bought Toxic Parents and What to do when your children push your buttons).

[Freedom2016]

I think it's good you know it's not ok to call your kid names. So far ive managed to only shout No but Im sure i will be pushed when kid gets older. I used to call DH names as a lazy way of expressing displeasure or frustration quickly- but he called me out on it so Ive had to practise communicating differently for years. Now DD is here talking about behaviour not the person is ingrained. Do you call other people names? Sorry that sounds really head tilty but what I mean is - if you do, maybe you should practise exptessing yourself differently- like Man cut in front of me today - really selfish driving. Rather than - selfish shit cut in front of me today.

I dont know what an appropriate reaction would be - im still trying to stop shouting No!

[RedPaint37]

I disagree, even learning that people sometimes use demeaning language when they are angry is a life lesson. It was just temper, and through-out his life people will always lose their tempers. I've certainly been called worse than a little shit! Words are just words and I do think being honest with your DC has value.

[Believeitornot]

I feel like I am wrecking his confidence and totally fucking my kids up. I called DS2 an 'idiot' the other day for saying something completely idiotic

This sentence made me think it's part of a bigger issue that the op feels she has....

[Believeitornot]

You wouldn't use language like that at work or at school so why is it acceptable at home?

[RedPaint37]

because it's home and we're not all perfect robots? Aren't we our 'best selves' out of the house? That's how most people are. I do think it sounds as though the Op is generally a bit stressed and overwhelmed, tell us about that Op and see if we can find ways to reduce the flashpoints.

[SarfEast1cated]

I haven't read the thread, but I can really sympathise OP, my own stress levels have been through the roof lately and I have lost my temper with DD 9 a few times when I shouldn't. What I do is sit down with her somewhere quiet and acknowledge that I have been mean and nasty and apologies unreservedly. Sometimes just acknowledging you are wrong can be enough. Explain why you reacted the way you did (not blaming him but why you were so stressed), what you will do to stop it happening in future and ask if he could help you by not crawling all over the car. In fact he could help you wash the car at the weekend maybe?
It's horrible when you feel you have done something like this, but admitting you were wrong, are human and working on being better does help a bit.

[ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam]

I've said it too. Reminds me of this from Kramer vs Kramer film.

[Mythreeknights]

Thanks for all your comments and honesty - and also for the negative feedback which to be honest I expected a lot more of. You are right - I am scared I 'fall back' on nasty language with my kids (never with anyone else - and isn't that terrible - I'd never ever call a friend an idiot) to deal with situations when I expect most people are able to deal with 'bad' behaviour from the kids with a little more maturely.

With my 7 year old, it's a case of being frustrated that he just doesn't listen. I feel like his bad judgement with things (ignoring rules about clambering over the car seats is a minor one - but last week I found out he was throwing mud at passing cars....) reflects badly on me, as it does, and that makes me pretty angry.

This afternoon for instance, he ran off across a field after school and despite me calling for him (ok, shouting for him), he ignored me and ran off for about 10 minutes. Pre today's mumsnet confession I would have hit the roof, but instead I totally did not rise to the issue and once he was back home I asked him in for a chat and told him how he was wasting my time by running off when I was calling him by having to follow him across a muddy field. He nodded, understood the message and we were all ok. But I absolutely expect he will do it again, and that absolutely maddens me. How do you all communcate effectively with your children or do they all continually break 'rules'?

RE stress levels, they have been pretty high yes as my mum died recently following a pretty nasty illness. But the horror of that is fading and I'm now trying to focus on the here and now and be a bit more emotionally available to my children.

[UnoriginalNN]

Fuck me OP - I hope you don't take some of these responses to heart.

Look, you're clearly not an abusive parent. You called him a shit, you apologised immediately, he'll get over it.

MN is not representative of the real world/real life/real circumstances. It's really not a big deal.

[SarfEast1cated]

Don't underestimate how grieving takes you though OP, i found that constantly trying to keep a lid on the misery was making me really stressed. Be kind to yourself, you are going through a lot.

One think though, is that 7yr olds just do dappy things like that, it's not really naughty, they're just a bit weird sometimes. Running in a field for just for the hell of it is what kids do!

[Mythreeknights]

I have never really understood what 'be kind to yourself means'.
I am not catholic, but should be, I carry enough guilt to sink a battleship.

[RedPaint37]

that'd explain it op - can you pencil in some proper breaks? Grief increases your stress levels hugely and i found the dc picked up on that and reacted to it when we had a family bereavement - some of the worst behaviour from my DD was when she could sense I was upset. My dd does random acts of bad behaviour, I don't honestly think any discipline method works well for one incident for us, but consequences such as losing points towards a reward generally work to improve my dd's behaviour over time.

[uhoh2016]

I'm with Unoriginal it really isn't a big deal you called him a little shit once not beat him black and blue.
I wonder in what world some people live in cos it's clearly not the same one I live in.
I've called my dc shits/sods/ratbags many a time because they were being shits. To me your being a very naughty boy means exactly the same as your being a little ratbag. My children are not scared or traumatised in the slightest by this. They get told equally as much when they are being good often referred to as superstars or even heroes, it's a turn of phrase nothing more nothing less.

[Mythreeknights]

buttered I've just watched that Kramer Vs Kramer clip - thank you

[SarfEast1cated]

I have never really understood what 'be kind to yourself means'.

Give yourself a break? Don't be your own worst critic?

Sorry you are going through such a tough time...

[Believeitornot]

You need to be kinder to yourself!

Your son's Judgement is not a reflection on you. He's 7 and hasn't learned about how to behave in all circumstances yet. My seven year old still needs teaching and is still impulsive etc.

Be kind to yourself - give yourself some time just for you. Do things that help you relax and let off steam. Then you're less likely to take it out on the children

And RedPaint I don't use that language at home and neither does my DH. I certainly don't swear in front of my children as i like to teach them how to behave. Being at home is no excuse.

[RedPaint37]

that's nice believe I don't habitually swear in front of mine either, but every now and again it happens when I'm especially stressed. How lovely for your children that you react in a perfectly reasonable fashion all the time. As it is, I will just have to apologize and explain to mine.

[Believeitornot]

I didn't say I behave in a reasonable way all the time.

What I don't do is swear at them and call them names because there's a line and that's my line.

[Believeitornot]

In fact I've never sworn at or near my kids because I made a vow to never do so as soon as they were born. Why? Because I saw enough shit in my time growing up that I have no desire for my children to have the same.
I'm not perfect but I do try and improve how I am. This is because my upbringing was pretty dire so I'm far more sensitive to it and probably overly so.

[gandalf456]

Kids definitely pick up on grief. My dc ended up playing up when my dad died

[RedPaint37]

that seems pretty reasonable, we are all trying not to repeat the mistakes of our parents and to do a better job tomorrow than we did today sometimes.

[Believeitornot]

Yes indeed I agree.

[SarfEast1cated]

Group hug?

Knights, I found CBT really helped with guilt...

[Freedom2016]

[Flowers] im sorry about your mum OP

[Mythreeknights]

Group hug! Yeah.

I am actually seeing someone for grief therapy - (does that count as 'me time'?) it turns out there's a whole can of worms in there just wriggling to get out. Each time I go in I feel like I've got nothing to say and within about 3 seconds flat I am in floods of tears. I did try CBT a few years ago (another issue - like I say, many worms packed into this can), and it was very useful and constructive. But I've never applied it to guilt...maybe I should look into that again.

I just don't want to fuck them up, and I do want them to be happy and well behaved and full of positive self esteem. And I know that I am sometimes very harsh, and that's what I'm trying to stop.