I called my son a 'little shit' today

[Mythreeknights]

And I feel so very ashamed.

As the words came out of my mouth I was completely horrified but seemingly powerless to stop.

He is 7 and didn't even do anything that bad - he got into the front passenger seat of the car through the driver's door and planted muddy footprints all over the seat, which I then sat on.

I apologied immediately and said I shouldn't have said that, but he turned away from me and I could see he was working hard not to cry. I feel like I am wrecking his confidence and totally fucking my kids up. I called DS2 an 'idiot' the other day for saying something completely idiotic.

I feel like I am parenting so very badly - normally I'm pretty relaxed but sometimes I completely over-react. With today's situation I could have just wiped the seats like a normal person and said 'goodness me what a mess' but if I'm honest, I don't believe that would 'deal' with the situation sufficiently to stop him doing it again. (they know they are not supposed to crawl all over the car like it's a toy, and yet they do it).

What do you do when you are maddened by something your kids have done - how do you express your discontent in an adult way? How do I repair the damage I've done? My mum was very controlling and I see that I'm turning into her which is the absolute last thing I want to do.
Parenting tips please!! (I have just bought Toxic Parents and What to do when your children push your buttons).

[Oopsypoopsy]

I don't think I've ever said 'goodness me what a mess' in my life, more like 'for gods sake why don't you think before you do stupid things!'. Which is probably just as bad as what you said.

I do feel like as parents we are too critical but it doesn't seem to affect our children, they still do stupid things all the time! They are idiots sometimes! As long as they also receive a lot of love and are happy that's the main thing.

I see other parents be all gently spoken with their children but that's not me, I expect my kids to have a bit of something about them, I know they're children but they're not babies, they're smart and they are capable of rational thought. I don't expect them to be adults but we have to teach them to think things through. x

[uhoh2016]

OP do try and take some time out for yourself, us Mums tend to put ourselves last in the pecking order but you do need some chill out time. Be selfless- let childminder or grandparents have the dc for an extra hour or so and have that time for yourself whether that be a gym class, hair beauty appointment or even just the house to yourself having a bubble bath candles glass wine on your own - anything that makes you chill a bit.
Please please don't get too hung up by calling him a shit. There's a great deal of difference by pointing out their bad behaviour (however it was said) and constantly degrading your child. Acknowledge the bad and praise the good. I don't believe you should shy away from telling your children when they have behaved inappropriately or badly/wrongly it will be a big shock to their system as they grow up if they have never been told this before.

[readyforno2]

Buttered I could have written the script for that clip!

Op, don't be too hard on yourself. 7 year olds are little shits sometimes.
It sounds as though you've had a pretty awful time of it recently so could you make some time for yourself. Go for a swim or something

[9troubledwaters]

Don't Worry you apologized immediately.
Try to label the behaviour not the child my ds is prone to labelling himself stupid etc so I remind him of this all the time

[Believeitornot]

No that's not you time. What about exercise, pampering, child free time? Do you have a partner?

Telll yourself that you're not going to, I don't know, speak to them in a certain way anymore. You have to say it out loud and mean it. Maybe tell someone in real life. And it will be hard, you'll have slip ups, but you've made the commitment.

Seriously, try this book when you have the time.

[RedPaint37]

I don't think that counts as me time, no, that's necessary and useful but that kind of therapy is not fun! I'm a huge worrier/guilt feeler and I have learned that it changes nothing, getting an early night is more likely to result in better parenting than going over and over old mistakes. I find it drags me further down, if I feel bad, I act worse. Spend the time planning instead

[Mythreeknights]

Group hug! Yeah.

I am actually seeing someone for grief therapy - (does that count as 'me time'?) it turns out there's a whole can of worms in there just wriggling to get out. Each time I go in I feel like I've got nothing to say and within about 3 seconds flat I am in floods of tears. I did try CBT a few years ago (another issue - like I say, many worms packed into this can), and it was very useful and constructive. But I've never applied it to guilt...maybe I should look into that again.

I just don't want to fuck them up, and I do want them to be happy and well behaved and full of positive self esteem. And I know that I am sometimes very harsh, and that's what I'm trying to stop.

[Freedom2016]

[Flowers] im sorry about your mum OP

[SarfEast1cated]

Group hug?

Knights, I found CBT really helped with guilt...

[Believeitornot]

Yes indeed I agree.

[RedPaint37]

that seems pretty reasonable, we are all trying not to repeat the mistakes of our parents and to do a better job tomorrow than we did today sometimes.

[gandalf456]

Kids definitely pick up on grief. My dc ended up playing up when my dad died

[Believeitornot]

In fact I've never sworn at or near my kids because I made a vow to never do so as soon as they were born. Why? Because I saw enough shit in my time growing up that I have no desire for my children to have the same.
I'm not perfect but I do try and improve how I am. This is because my upbringing was pretty dire so I'm far more sensitive to it and probably overly so.

[Believeitornot]

I didn't say I behave in a reasonable way all the time.

What I don't do is swear at them and call them names because there's a line and that's my line.

[RedPaint37]

that's nice believe I don't habitually swear in front of mine either, but every now and again it happens when I'm especially stressed. How lovely for your children that you react in a perfectly reasonable fashion all the time. As it is, I will just have to apologize and explain to mine.

[Believeitornot]

You need to be kinder to yourself!

Your son's Judgement is not a reflection on you. He's 7 and hasn't learned about how to behave in all circumstances yet. My seven year old still needs teaching and is still impulsive etc.

Be kind to yourself - give yourself some time just for you. Do things that help you relax and let off steam. Then you're less likely to take it out on the children

And RedPaint I don't use that language at home and neither does my DH. I certainly don't swear in front of my children as i like to teach them how to behave. Being at home is no excuse.

[SarfEast1cated]

I have never really understood what 'be kind to yourself means'.

Give yourself a break? Don't be your own worst critic?

Sorry you are going through such a tough time...

[Mythreeknights]

buttered I've just watched that Kramer Vs Kramer clip - thank you

[uhoh2016]

I'm with Unoriginal it really isn't a big deal you called him a little shit once not beat him black and blue.
I wonder in what world some people live in cos it's clearly not the same one I live in.
I've called my dc shits/sods/ratbags many a time because they were being shits. To me your being a very naughty boy means exactly the same as your being a little ratbag. My children are not scared or traumatised in the slightest by this. They get told equally as much when they are being good often referred to as superstars or even heroes, it's a turn of phrase nothing more nothing less.

[RedPaint37]

that'd explain it op - can you pencil in some proper breaks? Grief increases your stress levels hugely and i found the dc picked up on that and reacted to it when we had a family bereavement - some of the worst behaviour from my DD was when she could sense I was upset. My dd does random acts of bad behaviour, I don't honestly think any discipline method works well for one incident for us, but consequences such as losing points towards a reward generally work to improve my dd's behaviour over time.

[Mythreeknights]

I have never really understood what 'be kind to yourself means'.
I am not catholic, but should be, I carry enough guilt to sink a battleship.

[SarfEast1cated]

Don't underestimate how grieving takes you though OP, i found that constantly trying to keep a lid on the misery was making me really stressed. Be kind to yourself, you are going through a lot.

One think though, is that 7yr olds just do dappy things like that, it's not really naughty, they're just a bit weird sometimes. Running in a field for just for the hell of it is what kids do!

[UnoriginalNN]

Fuck me OP - I hope you don't take some of these responses to heart.

Look, you're clearly not an abusive parent. You called him a shit, you apologised immediately, he'll get over it.

MN is not representative of the real world/real life/real circumstances. It's really not a big deal.

[Mythreeknights]

Thanks for all your comments and honesty - and also for the negative feedback which to be honest I expected a lot more of. You are right - I am scared I 'fall back' on nasty language with my kids (never with anyone else - and isn't that terrible - I'd never ever call a friend an idiot) to deal with situations when I expect most people are able to deal with 'bad' behaviour from the kids with a little more maturely.

With my 7 year old, it's a case of being frustrated that he just doesn't listen. I feel like his bad judgement with things (ignoring rules about clambering over the car seats is a minor one - but last week I found out he was throwing mud at passing cars....) reflects badly on me, as it does, and that makes me pretty angry.

This afternoon for instance, he ran off across a field after school and despite me calling for him (ok, shouting for him), he ignored me and ran off for about 10 minutes. Pre today's mumsnet confession I would have hit the roof, but instead I totally did not rise to the issue and once he was back home I asked him in for a chat and told him how he was wasting my time by running off when I was calling him by having to follow him across a muddy field. He nodded, understood the message and we were all ok. But I absolutely expect he will do it again, and that absolutely maddens me. How do you all communcate effectively with your children or do they all continually break 'rules'?

RE stress levels, they have been pretty high yes as my mum died recently following a pretty nasty illness. But the horror of that is fading and I'm now trying to focus on the here and now and be a bit more emotionally available to my children.

[ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam]

I've said it too. Reminds me of this from Kramer vs Kramer film.