age gaps

[littleweed]

just wondering .... what age gap is there betwenyou rchildren? do you think it's too big/too small or just right? is there such a thing as an 'ideal' age gap?
curious little weed

4 year gap between dd1 & dd2
6.5 year between dd2 & ds
6.5 gap between ds & dd3
I think, in retrospect smaller gaps would have been better. Maybe harder initially (two in nappies etc) but when they get older at least they have simillar interests. For me holidays & days out are a nightmare as they are all at such different stages and all want to do different things so in the end often no-one's really happy
Also there is such a big age difference between dd3 & her 2 big sisters that they really aren't that interested in her although I'm sure they love her dearly.
There is however the advantage that you get to spend more one-to-one time with the baby as with each of them the others have all been at school/full-time nursery when they were born.

DD has just turned 4 and db is due in 2 months. Ideally we would probably have wanted a bit less of a gap but it seems we conceive once every 4 years and that's our lot!
I can see up and down sides. Up will be that dd can help and hopefully won't be too jealous. Also that I will be on matrenity leave when she starts school so can pick her up easily for the first term until I meet ohter mums to share with. Down I guess will be that they will have less in common, especially as db is a boy, but dd, as an only child for 4 years, already has lots of her own friends, and she's looking forward to having a new baby (a bit like a new dolly in her mind I think).

22 months between them - DS1 nearly 3, DS2 just turned 1.

If I had another one ( gosh I am thinking about it ) then I would like the gap to be about 3 years. Which means that I have a year before I make a decision, certainly couldn't dream of another 22 month age gap.

Very hard work at the moment. DS1 adores DS2 but intersperses random violence as a way of getting attention

15 years between my two. DS nearly 16, dd only 1. DS grew up as an only child and dd will as well if I don't have any more as ds too old to be playmate. Handy babysitter tho

2yrs 4mths between ds1 and dd which is fine - they get on v well at 6 and 4 now. May have thrown a spanner in the works a bit though now as ds2 is 4mths old (3.5yrs after dd) and ds1 is besotted to the point where dd is feeling it! Having said that, she's getting better at muscling in and not letting ds1 'hog' the baby all the time!

20 months between dd1 & dd2, then 2.5 yrs between dd2 and ds. Feels like v. hard work at the moment, if I could turn the clock back I probably wouldn't go for three under five again. It was ok when we just had the first two but having baby no.3 has really upped the pressure - I get about 4 hours sleep a night and feel totally worn out, and they keep giving each other colds etc. I'm sure it'll be very nice in 5 years' time, just got to grit my teeth now and get through it as best as I can.
God sorry that sounds so negative, ds has had a chronic cough for 2 months now and can barely sleep. I'm knackered.

2 years between DD1 and DD2. DD2 was not planned, and I would have liked to have had a bigger interval. Despite that, I have to say that I've been pleasantly surprised. It is not as hard as I thought it would be, and DD2 is a very easy baby - she is now 5 months old. This is a fab thread though, as I'm now thinking about when I would like to have a third - must admit that we'd love to have a boy, although would be happy with another girl. Problem is that my clock is ticking loudly (almost 40) and don't know if I would regret having a third baby when I'm over 40. But it seems that it would be easier just having one in nappies, so I'm thinking that a 3 year interval would be good.

My sis left exactly 3 year intervals between each of her 4 children and it worked out great. She made sure each one was out of nappies before having the next.

and also meant to say that 40 is not too old

I left four years between Dds and I think it was a little too long. They never really played a lot together. But it could have been a personality thing. Mind you they were teens when Ds was born and that worked very well - they mothered him.

I have just under 15 months between my two and it has been really hard work. I thought I would struggle to conceive number 2 (which is why I started so soon after no.1) but it must have happened almost the first time we tried.

It was bloody hard work until this year - now ds(age 2) is out of nappies and dd(age 3) has started school. The big advantage is that they want to do the same sort of thing - so I never have to worry about catering for different ages. Also both of them are incredibly chatty and their speech has always been brilliant as they spur each other on developmentally. The noise level in this house though is unbelievable and other children who come to play are often put off because they are so boisterous with each other and not really interested in other children as they have the perfect playmate in each other. This is just starting to change as dd wants to play more with girls and girly stuff(poor ds!!).

ooh agy, built in babysitters - very well planned

I've got 4.5yrs, 8yrs and 9yrs between my four. I love it and think it's great. I haven't had to deal with the two-in-nappies scenario but otoh, I've had to cope with a newborn at the same time as trying to help a ds who's on the verge of dropping out of uni!! (He didn't, in the end.) There are pros and cons to everything in life, so I think there's no such thing as an ideal age gap.

Suedonim, do you mind me asking how old you were when you had your youngest? I assume that given the intervals, you are over 40 - how is it then? What are the disadvantages to having a baby in your 40s? Sorry to hijack thread, Littleweed. It seems like your advice here is that there is no 'ideal' age gap since it really depends on your circumstances, but it sounds as though 3 years is what most people seem to think has the most advantages.

I was twenty one , Almost40, and early 40's when I had dd2. The pregnancy was awful, absolutely terrible, I used to go to bed each night praying I wouldn't wake up next day. The sickness was continuous and I have never been so tired in my life. I was lucky in that dh was around a lot in the first/second trimester as I often slept 16 hrs a day!!! A total waste of a great summer that year.

I suppose once dd was here, I had less energy than in my 20's but that was offset by being more laidback. Dd has been a challenging child and hard work, due to her nature I think, not my age. But she's a cracker of a child and I wouldn't swap her for the world. I think small children do keep you youthful, as everyone says I look younger than I am. Otoh, it could be the virtuous life I've led!

Thanks for the info, Suedonim. Your last pregnancy sounds a lot like my last 2, so I suppose it won't be that different.

Thank you littleweed for starting this thread. my ds is 18mths and we have been ttc for the last 6 mths originally i wanted a 3 yr gap until i went away at xmas and found it wasn't a holiday at all with a one year old getting into everything so we changed our minds and thought a smaller gap would be better and we could get our lives back to normal quicker. but now that ttc hasn't been that successful we have had to look at the advantages of having a larger gap again. i really dont think i would have coped very well with the tired issue during pg as ds still dosent sleep through the night and most nights ends up in bed with us around 3am. and god you need so much energy to chase after a toddler all the time. i am really enjoying his age at the moment (although its very challanging) but i really do feel the 3 yr age gap sounds nice, their speach is alot better, and you can really enforce that you still love them too and you know they'll understand you. also the fact that i can enjoy ds and do swimming etc with him without trying to drag a newborn along and when db comes along and is old enough to do outside activities with ds/d, ds will be either at kinder or school so noone misses out on the fun things.

There is a 4yr 2mth age gap between DS and DD (who is now 18 weeks old).
I think there are definitely pluses and minuses for all age gaps ...
The pluses for a 4 year gap are: Eldest is fully self sufficient ... ie can get dressed, brush own teeth, doesn't need 'feeding', is toilet trained and dry at night.
He can understand things like, "I am busy with the baby" and "I will help you when the baby has had her milk" etc.
He can also entertain her and plug in her dummy when I am needing to do something important (like check up on Mumsnet )
The minuses are: Having had 4 whole years of being the precious only child he definitely suffered when DD was born. He wasn't so much jealous but he was hurting somehow ... it broke my heart ... and it seemed to go on a long time, at least for 2 or 3 months ... things have settled down now.
DS and DD will not be playmates and that makes me sad ... DS is still an only child really only now he has less of my time ...
We didn't originally plan to have a bigger gap ... but life got in the way - PND with DS, then big move to NZ, then an M/C ....
I am glad I have a 4 year gap though ... I hate being pregnant (suffer from SPD) and I don't think I could possibly have done pregnancy and a two year old at the same time ...
If I wanted a 3rd I would have to wait another 4 years I think ...
Also friends of mine with small gaps look more frazzled to me ...
Sometimes I wish I could have had a smaller gap like my mum did - 4 children under 5 - but then she really did suffer physically from it and she is paying for it now ...

ds1 + dd - 23 months
dd + ds2 - 14 months

Quite a good age gap for when they're young, as it means they can play together etc, and when they're teenagers they can talk about their problems.

In another way, there's 10 years between my aunts on my dads side, and they get on great, and the eldest has always been there to offer advice to the youngest, which I think is nice.

It's hard work looking after three pre-schoolers and I do get sick of comments from everyone we meet, but at least I get to change nappies and push a pushchair around for less time than other people who've had three children, lol.

There's 16 months between my ds + dd. It was fairly hard work but dd was an absolute angel and has slept through from day 1. It's so nice to watch them playing together now. They are really close which is lovely.

Littleweed, as many have said there are differnt thinsg to recommend different gaps. FWIW I have 2 yrs between DS1 and DD, then 22 months to DS2. So three under four at one stage! which always makes people gasp with horror...but DS1 is so good and easy-going. I like others enjoy the fact that we have never got rid of nappies/pushchair etc so not enjoyed life without them and then gone back to them which I think must be hard. Actually wanted an even smaller gap at one stage but glad it has worked out this way; 2yr+ gap means no need for horrors of double buggy IME. Mine have never really known life as an only child so are adaptable and happy; DS1 and DD will play together very well now (not always lol). Actually had biggest problem with DD and DS2, despite never having had my undivided attention (so how could she miss it?) she could be really horrible to the baby, pushing him over, scratching etc etc. Seems a lot better now tho and maybe was just terrible 2s (never had that with DS1). I love them all so much that I wouldn't have it any other way. Also my age was a factor in getting a move on! But Littleweed if you're thinking of what gap to aim for, I strongly believe that it goes how it goes; try to control it too much and it could all go pear-shaped, as has happened to a couple of people I know. If it feels right, go for it and good luck.

Just short of 4 years between our two(DD 5 years 1 month and DS 13 months). Definite advantages to the gap - eldest was so happy to help with her new little baby brother, and although we were prepared for a little jealousy it hasn't come (yet!) She was able to spend her last summer before school with us as a 'new family' and then started school in January when DS was nearly 9 months. This has meant that he has his quality time with me during the day (lucky mummy doesn't work)like his sister did and then after school has built in entertainment!!
At the end of the day no matter what gaps we ideally would like, we all get what we are given in life!

DD1 will be 4 in 2 weeks time. DD2 will be 2 in 2 weeks time (so 2 years minus one day between them!)

I am expecting baby no 3 in late October, so will have 2 years and about 4 months between DD2 and the new one and 4 years 4 months between DD1 and the new baby.

I KNOW it is going to be hard - last time I couldn't believe how hard the first few months were. It's much easier now and they do play together and are friends most of the time. I had 2 in nappies for nearly a year, so am prepared for that! They are in cloth nappies so it's just an extra wash.
DD1 will be in full time school in September, but DD2 goes to day nursery when I'm working (3 days). We'll have to see if we can afford to keep this up while I'm on maternity leave, so I can have some time just with the baby. I wish now i'd made more of my time off when I just had DD1 and didn't have to go anywhere if I didn't feel like it!

BTW, all 3 were planned and it's just as well we have lots of family support nearby! I am mid 30s now and find the tiredness hardest to deal with with this pregnancy. But I am glad we've had them close together - DH and I both have big gaps between us and our siblings and it's only as adults that we all get on well.

the reason I ask is that we have 1 ds 8 months - he's so gorgoeus i think I might quite like another but realise that I don't have time on my side (am already 39)........

Have 18 months between my two. Ds is 6 and 5 months and Dd is 4 and 9 months. It was hard work and certainly wasn't planned but now seeing how close they are it was worth all of the hard work in the beginning. For me it was just right!