gay parenting

[climbingrose]

Hi I am a gay mum and would be interested to hear from anyother gay mums on this site. There must be some surely??

I have a ds to whom I am just explaining his "story" to..

Hi climbingrose. I missed this thread until now. I used to be ruth21 (as mentioned by motherinferior) but changed my name. I am a lesbian mum with 2 daughters: dd1 turned 3 this week; dd2 is 5 months. My partner had dd1 and I had dd2. Their fathers are a gay couple who (now) live very close by. One of them was the donor for dd1 and the other for dd2. They're very much involved in parenting, much more than we had imagined when we initially approached dd1's bio-father about donating, but we're happy about that--which doesn't mean it isn't complicated sometimes.

I'm glad you started this thread! It would be very nice to exchange experiences. We haven't yet really talked to dd1 about how she was made, as she hasn't asked any questions about that, although she is aware that she has 2 mummies and 2 daddies and that no-one else she knows does. We always tell her what a lucky girl she is to have lots of mummies and daddies and I think she agrees. I'm interested, dot1, that you've already had this sort of conversation with your ds1, since he's younger than our eldest. Did she ask questions or did you decide you wanted to tell him?

I hope things work out with your donor, climbingrose. It sounds very difficult and unfortunately I think you're right that your kind of situation is quite common with known donors.

Hi Roly/Ruth21! No, our ds didn't ask us questions - we've just always told him the story of how he was made - really since he was a tiny baby - I think more for us to practice than anything, so we'd know what we were saying when he finally did start to ask! He doesn't have a huge vocab, but we tell him lots of stories, so this to him I think is just one of them. He loves looking at photos of dp when she was pregnant, and now me when I was, so he knows who came out of who's tummy! We've told him that him and ds2 have the same daddy, but I'm not sure if he's grasped that yet - a bit tricky!

dp's Mum said the other day that she thought they have similar eyes - the first similarity we've seen in them, and I've started to notice that ds2 does look a bit like ds1 did at this age - feels a bit strange - a reminder of the biology bit that's not me or dp..!

Hope you're OK climbingrose - let us know how trying for baby no. 2 goes.

That's interesting dot1. Because our children are not genetically related to each other, we won't get those similarities. And in fact they look very different. A few people were disapproving of this decision and thought that we should use the same father for each child, but that seemed wrong, like leaving out one of the four of us or something. It's complicated, since I don't really believe that the biological connection is that important--I don't think the two fathers have different relationships to the dd to which they're biologically related, ifykwim. I do think that dp and I have slihgtly different relationships to dd1 and dd2, but that's because of being pregnant and breastfeeding and being on maternity leave and thus the main carer, not to do with genetics imo. Would be interested in what you think about this issue.

Dd1 knows that she came out of dp's tummy and dd2 came out of mine, and that she (dd1) breastfed from dp and not me. And she also knows that when she's upset it's dp she really really wants ...

I don't think the biological connection is all that important either. I work full time and dp (the non-bio mum) works part time, so is more the main carer and dd did seem to have a slight preference for dp in those times of need. That seems to be changing now as dd gets older.

The funny thing is that dp sometimes gets comments about how much dd looks like her.

Roly - hi, didn't mean to take your name in vain. And there was I noticing you on another thread thinking 'wow, even MORE lesbian mothers on Mumsnet...'

Hi motherinferior. Don't worry, I was very excited as I think it's the first time I've been referred to on MN in my absence.

Sparks, dot1, climbingrose, and anyone I've missed: maybe we should have our own lesbian mums board, now there are at least 4 of us???

In the meantime, to reactivate this thread, a question--how did you all find your donors? And would you do it differently if you did it all over again?

DP and I think chossing someone you know as a donor carrys the hidden emotional risks - so would not use a "friend" again.

Several friends are using the clinic route which is much easier for them as parents too early to tell what difference it will make.

And u?

ooh - I'm having to re-think the whole biological connection and its importance issue at the moment! dp says I'm much softer with ds2 ('mine' than I was with ds1 ('hers' - to be honest I'm not sure if I am - can't really remember how things were when ds1 was 6 weeks old. But I think biology and the fact that I carried and am feeding ds2 does play a part - it has to really, as I suppose we're programmed to see that our babies thrive. I'm going back to work probably full-time in September, so dp will be looking after both - I think things will probably change again then. ds1 definitely has a favourite Mum - dp - but I'll be interested to see if ds2 also favours dp because she'll be the main carer. (I'm dreading going back to work by the way - really don't want to leave ds2, and never thought I'd feel like this..!

I have to say I'm glad both ds's have the same father, as it links them in with each other - and I think that if our donor hadn't agreed to help with ds2, we probably wouldn't have had any more after ds1. But who knows what's 'best'..? You just do what you think's right and hope that they turn out OK in 20 years time and don't need too much therapy...!

oops - didn't mean to put those faces in - can't type properly on this laptop....!

me again - just seen your last question rolymoly! I'd definitely use the known donor route again - with the same donor. Somehow knowing that our children will always know where they came from biologically feels important - and there'll never be any mysteries or secrets for them to get worried or caught up with. Our donor was someone dp went to school with, so she'd known him for years.

Our donor number 1 was an old old friend, who I've known since I was 16. Dp and I did talk about asking other friends, including several gay men who had offered their services but for some reason the one we did ask just seemed more right. It's hard to say exactly why, though.

Donor number 2 is donor 1's partner of 11+ years. But they are dads, not donors, now. I think if that hadn't been the case we would have gone for the same donor, but dad/donor #2 (we need an acronym for this!) was keen to have a biological connection, partly because his parents have been reluctant to recognize dd1 as their grandchild. The arrival of dd2 does seem to have improved things in this direction.

Dot1--sounds tricky. In what ways does dp think you are 'softer'?

I think she thinks I'm just completely soft with him - very protective of him if there's noise in the house (which there always is with a toddler about...), and not liking hearing him cry. But she's just said she's not sure if I'm softer with ds2 than ds1 - just that my protective feelings are coming out.

I think we've both found it hard having a baby and toddler to cope with - how to divide our attention between both of them - so at the moment, because I'm feeding ds2, we're tending to divide up with dp looking after ds1 and me ds2. Of course this is also division along biological lines...!

Maybe me and dp think too much about all this - I can see that as time goes by the division of labour will become less obvious and more even between us.

This division of labour along biological lines happened with us as well, but it has already begun to shift. Dd2 is now 5.5 months. I didn't put dd1 to bed for quite a long time after dd2 was born. It was a combination of dd1 being more attached to dp, me being exhausted, and often being occupied feeding dd2 at dd1's bedtime. And because she was doing a lot of looking after dd1, dp did less looking after dd2 (eg nappy changes) than I had with dd1 when she was tiny. But now we are reasonably back on track with taking turns doing dd1's bedtimes, and it's fine. I still do a lot more for dd2, because I'm still on maternity leave, and I always put her to bed because I breastfeed her at bedtime, but now she's on solids things are shifting there as well. I expect things will balance out with you as well, given a bit of time. Your ds2 is still very new, isn't he? But it can be hard waiting for things to settle down.

How has your ds1 reacted to the new arrival? It seemed to me that dd1 had it easier than other older siblings do, because dpher favourite parentcould still give her lots of attention. The times she has most expressed jealousy have been when dp is holding dd2. 'Give her to mummy rolymoly', she has sometimes said. Well, not that precisely but ykwim.

I think we're very lucky in that both me and dp are at home until September. ds1 doesn't seem to mind dp holding ds2 - but maybe because he knows that most of the time she's looking after him and I've got ds2 - he's only 7 weeks old so there's still a lot of breastfeeding going on! Funnily enough, ds1 just today wanted to lie on the breastfeeding pillow on my knee, and asked to be fed! Bless him...!

I think things will even out aswell in the months to come - but it's really been quite a tough first few weeks (but then I'm sure it always is with a newborn, regardless of the family make up...).