What is more beneficial for children... A SAHP or 2 working parents and childcare?

[Candlefairy101]

Hi, I'm not trying to start a debut I am just generally interested in people opinions on the subject.

I have been both a SAHP and a mum working full time. With my youngest I have decided to stay at home but with my oldest I worked full time and he spent a lot of time at nursery. I still feel guilt about this (I don't know why I feel guilty about all those nursery hours just so I could finish my degree) because 1) he can't remember it and 2) he has a mum with a career.

BUT now with my youngest I have decided to stay at home and wonder how/if my children will be effected by each decision and difference growing up lifestyle.

How do mum AND dads feel about this subject also DADS do you like the idea of you wife/ partner being at home with the children?

mY mum when growing up was always a SAHP and then did a 360* turn and worked all the hours under the sun (her choose she didn't have to), I was sad because I always felt comfort at school or out playing that she was always at home, always on standby if you know what I mean?

Love to here everyone's opinion x

[elderflowerlemonade]

Quite!

[LashesandLipstick]

Elderflower and that's fine. This thread asked for opinions on what's more beneficial, I gave mine. I'm not going out of my way telling people I think they're wrong, I'd never mention it unless asked. It's just my personal opinion.

Like how people have personal opinions on breastfeeding, or birth choices. If asked it's fine to give them, but the line should be drawn at putting them on others unnecessarily.

[ouryve]

Whichever works best for that family as a whole is best.

[LashesandLipstick]

Jassy, I was talking about sensible options no need to be obtuse

[JassyRadlett]

When it comes to what's best for my family now, I've chosen to consider my own childhood in the broader context of the environment and time in which it took place and the long term benefits and disbenefits of the approach my parents took for everyone involved.

The fact is my childhood is unavailable to my child for many, many reasons. Therefore basing decisions about my child on what I remember that I liked best about that childhood would be irrational at best and irresponsible at worst. I owe my child better.

[Thurlow]

It all ends up in a horrible round of judging people who make slightly different lifestyle choices.

One parent could give up work. Maybe they could just about run their life on one income. Of course, it would be very tight: they might have to give up the car, and budget extensively when they shop, and have no ability to pay for the one exercise/music class their DC would love to do, and no ability to pay to travel to stay with family members once a year, and no back up money in the boiler breaks - and live in terror of something happening to that one job.

Or both could work, and have the money to run the car, have the odd holiday, pay for some extra-curricular activities, and not panic when there is a spate of kids' party invites.

It's always assumed that two parents working is a lifestyle choice in the sense of "I want a ski holiday in winter, two weeks in the Bahamas, a cleaner, a gardener, a designer wardrobe and a brand new car every other year."

Not "I'd prefer to have a comfortable household income and not scrape by every week."

[YesThisIsMe]

Nicky I'm genuinely pleased and not surprised that you did a proper risk benefit analysis before deciding to stay home. But I've definitely seen posters in these threads before who have flat out refused to consider the possibility that their DH might ever be unable or unwilling to provide for his family (not counting death which of course you can insure against). They found the suggestion so offensive and disloyal that they wouldn't give it headspace. Now that's no basis for a life choice.

[JassyRadlett]

'Sensible' and 'realistic' are deeply subjective terms. One family's 'sensible' choice would be another family's fucking bonkers one.

You're again applying your own personal opinions in a way that implies objective truth. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way.

[LashesandLipstick]

Jassy, I didn't say it was the only thing you should base decisions on. Decisions should be made by looking at all the factors and coming up with a suitable option.

I also don't understand your problem with memories here. Obviously memories aren't perfect, but to suggest every positive memory is false and every negative memory is a overreaction is dismissive of people's experiences. If people remember something as very distinctly negative, it's not irresponsible to try and avoid it

[LashesandLipstick]

Thurlow, I completely agree with your post, and again I'm not saying all two parent households are selfish for working full time. My comments were to a very specific section of society.

Jassy, there is some subjectivity, however we can agree some choices are just ridiculous, e.g choosing to claim benefits. That was a silly suggestion.

[GlitzAndGigglesx]

Lashes I really hope your words don't come back to haunt you in 10 years time. My friend hardly saw her mum as a child because she had to work 60+ hour weeks when her dad decided to up and leave one day. No one saw that coming so those full time working parents you see as selfish are actually building up security for themselves and their families

[elderflowerlemonade]

It is not silly, actually - some people do decide the difference between working and claiming benefits is neglible enough to make little overall difference.

[IrianofWay]

"Irain I've said several times I'm referring to those who could work less but don't, not those who work long hours because they need to"

I was addressing the OP.

[LashesandLipstick]

Glitz, I can understand that point (and for me personally I plan to work, just not full time), however I don't think we should all work full time out of fear our partners leave...

[LashesandLipstick]

Elderflower you said "but we could all choose to claim benefits" I believe, which was a bit of an extreme suggestion and not what any of us were talking about.

[Kewcumber]

It might be a cliche NickyEds but number 4 (or very similar) is what happened to my mother.

lashes why when someone said in that early post "Sahp fall into 3 categories" did you seize on one of the three that said "lazy and unemployable"?

Personally I think it's selfish to be pregnant at all. There are enough children around to adopt - why get pregnant - how selfish

OP - if you're interested, the largest study into children in nursery showed that children with up to 40 hours a week in nursery showed fewer signs of aggression etc than those with a parent 100 of the time, those with 40-60 hours didn't show a statistically significant difference to those at home. So you can argue that external childcare is beneficial.

The big caveat is that it was done in Norway where I understand that the quality of childcare is very high (I think similar studies in countries with equally high quality appear to show a similar result but I haven't read those). So probably the answer is - it depends on the quality of the childcare you use.

[elderflowerlemonade]

It was, in fact, because you couldn't understand why anyone with preschool children would work full time when there was another option. I pointed out that there was in fact another option.

[Thurlow]

But what very specific section of society?

In theory I suppose I could try and make my firm bend over backwards and give me a part time job. My career would probably never recover at this particular stage, and our finances would become precarious (in our mind). So it's not ideal, but we grit our teeth and know that things aren't forever.

What particular section of society are you referring to then?

[JassyRadlett]

Jassy, there is some subjectivity, however we can agree some choices are just ridiculous, e.g choosing to claim benefits. That was a silly suggestion.

Why? People do it - quite a few have explained their choices on Mumsnet.

Where's your line between silly and sensible? What option crosses over from 'Lashes thinks this needs to be done not to be a selfish parent' to 'this is a silly idea'?

[TheWordFactory]

So it's okay to work if you need the money?

But not if you don'?

Well my DH is a senior partner in a city law firm. He earns silly money. Does that mean that I shouldn't work? Ever?

[JassyRadlett]

but to suggest every positive memory is false and every negative memory is a overreaction is dismissive of people's experiences.

And I suggested that where, exactly?

If people remember something as very distinctly negative, it's not irresponsible to try and avoid it

I find it's a good idea to look more deeply into why the memory of the situation was distinctly negative. And always remember that my child and I are different people, in different times, with different circumstances. Always a useful one.

[LashesandLipstick]

Kewcumber, because some people would like to have biological children, however you're entitled to disagree with that..

Elderflower but lets not be obtuse and talk about extreme options, because that's just being difficult for arguments sake.

Thurlow, people where both parents earn good salaries (enough for a good standard of living in their particular location) and choose to work full time or extremely long hours instead of spending time with their children. Not people who work out of necessity. Another one is people who work part time but still put their kids in nurseries on their days off. So it's not WOHP solely I'm on about

[JassyRadlett]

And Word, what is 'need', anyway? It is what you think you need, or someone else thinks you need?

[JassyRadlett]

Kewcumber, because some people would like to have biological children, however you're entitled to disagree with that..

That was rather Kewcumber's point. What makes one want (biological children) ok in your books and another (a career and being a parent) selfish?

[LashesandLipstick]

Jassy, it's a stupid idea if it harms someone else. Claiming JSA when you don't need to harms others as it takes that money away from someone who doesn't have a choice.

I thought you were suggesting all memories were false due to the quotation marks. I agree that the context is important. Again I'm not saying that these decisions should be made on just memories

TheWordFactory, no, but if you chose to work full time rather than part time when your kids were young, I'd probably be confused as to why you'd do that. Again to clarify I'd never say anything to anyone unless they asked me