Working mothers of larger families....say 4+

[mozhe]

I would like to start a thread exchanging ideas/support amongst WOHMs, who work fulltime,( or nearly so..),and have larger than average families...I have 5, aged from 6.5 months,( twins ! ), upto 5.5 years.I know there are ' others ' out there who are further down the line.It would be useful to get ideas/discussion going about enjoying this challenging lifestyle and coping with the difficult bits...I work fulltime,( it feels like more sometimes ! but I wouldn't have it any other way ),as a hospital doctor, as does dh.
Please no WOHM ' bashing '...the idea behind this thread is to get a genuine exchange of ideas.

My KIds are 2, 4 and 10

Hmmm, good comments....i agree with the ' not criticizing ' thing re;dh, and I think you are right Xenia, organising and sweating the small stuff is something I'm much better at than him, so why no continue...he organizes all our holidays, always has it's just something I find very tedious..Agree also re;cleaner, I'd go further and say that you cannot have too much help,( we now have an aupair to help, and fill in gaps, our nanny ...for £90 a week pocket money, she helps 25 hrs a week! no sole care though, but we don't need that ). Yes,rosylizzie my kids understand that ' there's a poorly person that needs mummy ' line too, it's true isn't it ? speedymama..I had my first at 38, then 39, 40 and 43..i knew the risks but was prepared to take them, you have to think about that.I would love one more but mother nature may have other ideas..we'll see.
I'm afraid I never read magazines and tend not to have separate activities to relax...I just don't seem to work like that.I don't need much sleep and neither does ds1 so we go swimming between 8-9pm every wednesday evening...I love that.

My children are older so much more free time, obviously. I am often on the London underground. I never travel without a brief case full of stuff to read. I am as likely to read Hello as the FT. I'm sitting here not working (nearly bed time). So yes I get leisure time. I don't watch TV. That probably frees up a lot of time. At the moment I don't have a husband/boy friend at the moment (..working on that..) so I suppose I gain time on that too in a sense...

Our age gaps... I woudl have rather had the last 2 soon after the first 3 but lots of difficulties with my exhusband over that, jobs changing, house moves . That's the only reason for the nearly 10 year gap between first 3 and last 2. In some ways that's been fun. It's like being Rod Stewart and marrying again and getting to play at parenthood when you're older and have a different perspective on it -a bit like doing it a second time.

At the time waiting to start my family seemed like the best option,( that greasy pole, medical...), but it was hard, as I really wanted a family AND worried,( we docs are like that..), over my fertlity.I feel so blessed now, and would really like just one more...I wonder now how life would have gone if we had started younger,( we were married 12 years before ds1 came along ), maybe a VERY big family ! Who knows...actually come to think of it the agreement with dh was 4 children,( but hey twins..can't be helped ), buut he seems chilled re; trying for no 6 in new year, maybe because it has gone relatively smoothly ?

The point about large families at a symbol of wealth is interesting. But, I suppose it has some truth to it because only wealthy peopl can maintain a career and a large family. I have 2 kids, now 3 1/2 and 18 months. And i can't wait to get rid of the childcare bill. So much so I've decided not to have any more children -- I simply can't afford them.

So, I take my hat off to those of you who have managed to cope with 4+ children to raise.

Actually - I am no longer working and am totally totally knackered at the moment (TATT and just reading this thread and remembering is exhausting me!

What a great thread. I'm planning on increasing our family from 3 to 4 next year. I don't really count as 2 are in Uni in the UK while we're in Oz, so not much in the day to day grind, just frequent phone calls demanding money.

Mozhe - at managing 5 at 5 and under. That's a feat regardless of your support system. I suppose you also save time by not having to faff about with GP appointments

OMG, Mohze, it has just occured to me that you need a car with 5 car seats. What on earth do you drive?

We have a Volvo estate with 2 seats in the boot so that seats 7. Anyway it's not that often in large families with a spread of age they all want to do the same things at the same time.

I don't know anyone who has regretted expanding their family, by the way. Thinking of the working parents in the City of London with big families I know people with a live in nanny or one who lives near by plus an au pair. Often you need to take large families to two places at once so even non working mothers can need extra help at home if they have 4 - 6 children. Some choose to buy a house very near the office. Someone I know was 5 minutes walk from home, big house in bit of London where people don't normally live. One family I was reading about have the hcildren in the country, 2 at boarding school and the parents commute 3 days a week to London to run their business partly from there and the nanny deals with the 2 or 3 children left at home for those days.

Children in larger families have to get more self reliant too which can be a good thing. In our house the older ones help with the younger ones. Yesterday the 8 year olds walked to school alone as I was out at a work thing (their prep school is at the end of the road so it's not difficult) and their biggest brother did the school collection at 4. It helps those bigger ones to understand about responsibilities, know what having their own children will be like although I've always tried not to burden them too much.

When we had the first 3 very close in age I found
have routines, structures, patterns that are probably more rigid than in single child households worked well too.

afrishy if your 4th like mozhe and I is twins that may end up being 5! I think the more children you have the more likely it is twins and there is a twin surge once you're over 35. I was 36 with the twins.

Uwila,

I have a career and a family and I'm certainly not wealthy
I would agree though that usually it is either rich or very poor (unemployed) people that tend to have larger families. People in between can't afford them unless they are very lucky and have family prepared to help out with childcare etc (which I don't).

I don't have family aroud either. DH's family lives in Birmingham, and none of them interested/capable of coming to helpo out in London (apart from his brother actually, but it's not like I could rely on it at short notice) and my family lives across the pond (which is not necessarily a bad thing)

i don't have a large family DD x2 ( had to have emergency hysterectomy during second delivery so no more) i love my job as a rural gp and love my children too but i cannot get over the guilt thing - how do oyu do it mohze? also second the school thing , my dd1 ia at private prep and i am one of only 2 working mothers in her class of 12 !!! so school seem to think everyone is available to go tomeetings/assemblies and god only knows what else all the time , i have never known a school with so much going on and the other working mother makes her dd aged 6 board as she cannot make it to school stuff .

She boards at age 6?

I'm actually a big fan of boarding school, but after about age 14.

Oh, and what happened re hystorectomy? I remember you on a section thread. If this is too personal, tell me to bugger off.

Boarding at 6 is quite rare these days.

On whether other mothers work it depends which bit of the country you live in. There are enclaves where certain kinds of parents move to be with others like them I suppose and some of those will mostly be SAHMs. My dentist is one of the parents at school in their class. Another is a teacher who works full time so their child is in the breakfast clube 7.30am to after school club 6pm every day. I'm not sure I'd be comfortable living in a part of the country where mothers didn't work. In bits of London mothers complain that if they try to go to a mother and child group every single other person is a nanny (which isn't always the mix they were after) because virtually all mothers work.

I didn't plan on large but knew more than 1 (thought probably 3 the normal size for large these days). But just never felt done even after number 4, then had an unplanned which ended in m/c and felt such a longing for 1 more dh didn't have heart to say no so had number 5 at 41. Had another m/c at 42. I worked f/t on a flextime thing where I spent 4 hours at the office with a childminder in our home and worked the other hours I owed my office at home so I could spent time with the kids. It was crazy and I would be getting up at 4 int he am to get my work done. After number 5 was born, I stopped work and won't be back until she is in school and even then I plan on a reduced schedule ( if I can convince an employeer). I am however studying this year so we can spend the year in the UK in my field which has been fun and dh is home with the kids on a leave from his work. I did find working f/t hard but appreciate the fact that when I go back I will not be so far out of the loop that I will be too rusty.

Advantanges, kids are great friends and love each other so much. They are a great little unit and long after I am gone they will have each other in life to watch out for each other. I noteice my kids ahve a sense of responsility for each other and I have noticed it in other big familes, the older watch out for the younger (although this isn't unique to large families but maybe it is reinforced because mom and dad take longer to get to everyone. disavantages, obviously not enough one on one time. Can get very loud.

TOP TIP ever-given to me by a mom I met in a restaurant as I was coping with my new and expanding family, treat it like a triage in a emergency room-go to the one that needs you the most and work your way done. I have found it's true whether it's emotionally, academically, etc. and it shifts on a daily basis.

Top tip#2-include them into your routine on a one on one basis when you can. For example, I am going today to the library so I am taking one child and she and I will cruise the shelves together for books then have a coffee/hot chocloate toghether. The kids remember little things like that. My dh always takes 1 kid when he walks to the corner store for milk and they have the best chats and the kids gets undivided attention.

top tip #3- never feel guilty. The full family life you are giving them, despite, it's craziness is a gift.

top tip # 4 use the older kids to help you, they can read to the younger ones at night, get them some breakfast. I have a friend with 5 and her 10 year old boy changes her new babies diapers (wihtout acting).

great thread!

sorry, meant without being asked, not acting. TIme for more coffee I think!

uwila - hysterctomy happened because i was bleeding during my section and it couldn't be stopped and even though i was being given blood at the time i was losing it faster than it could be put in... it was touch and go ( as they say) for an hour or two and my husband was told that i might not make it...pretty grim for him but i had ahd a GA so knew nothing until waking up 2 days later in ICU . am sad about it but i am alive and well and the baby survived ( all started as a placental abruption) and is gorgeous . also agree about all the faces at boarding at 6 - though school is absolutely fab and my dd1 is quite keen to board the odd night couldn't imagine her going fulltime.

Xenia when I lived in Hampstead, most of the mothers didn't work at all, and most of these sent their children to private school.

christie1 - I have 4, but would like another. I am resisting the urge atm - and I am about to go back to work

I have four but I don't have a high flying career. I'm just a lowly civil servant. Ours were all born within 5.5 years. I went back to work when the eldest was 4.5 and worked 5 afternoons from 1-5pm then had a waitressing job in a hotel at weekends and occasional evenings. DH works nights and used to sleep in the mornings then get up at 12.30 to take me to work and look after the kids in the afternoons.

When the youngest was 2 I started a full time degree course but had to keep on my jobs as well. Changed the hours around to fit in with uni. FIL stepped into the breach and looked after some of them occasionally- worst thing was the midday pickup from playgroup so he did that quite a bit.

After Uni I had a job in a school- school hours and term time only- plus went to the other job in the evenings- meeting DH on the stairs at 7.30pm as he went out and I came in! (By that time all were at school). After 2 years of that I went full time and have been there ever since.

School holidays were a nightmare until they were old enough to be left alone, and I hated missing out on the school pick up because I never got to meet their friends or know what was going on at school. Now I drive to work and take the youngest two (17 and 15) with me. They walk to school from there, then walk back in the evening to meet me.

And I have always made time to sit in the bath with a book for 2 hours on a Sunday morning

I actually don't think I'm doing anything ' extraordinary ' or even very difficult, ok so because dh and I earn v.good salaries we can afford a great support structure,( incidentaly we have almost no family support, my parents v, elderly..lots of sibs but they all have families..), that certainly helps, no doubt there. However I've basically continued to enlarge my family because I love children/being a parent.I continue working fulltime because Ilove that too.
We have a renault espace

ch, good tips, particularly triage. I think parents of large families automatically do that.

Yes, don't feel guilty. They are lucky to have so many siblings. I think the need to share is very good for them. It helps make them unselfish. Pillows is tonight's issue - twins keep making pillow raids on older sibilings' beds and tonight we seem to have 5 22 year olds staying but it's all fun for them, the busy-ness of the house and people coming and going.

Like m I had more because I love children. You can enjoy work and enjoy having a large family. Not mutually exclusive.

On all other mothers not working I suppose it depends where you live and who you mix with. For a time I was in a City of London Parents at Work group and it was good to see mothers doing that kind of work so I suppose I chose to mix with women who were doing much as I was, so I didn't feel isolated or unusual.

I think if you spread children over quite a few years like a few people on this thread you need a different attitude to your life. Not - I have these 5 years when I've chidlren around. Instead I have this next 20 years of which children will be a major part and this is life, rather than a temporary blip and you have to be happy that that is so rather than the children be a temporary thing you enjoy but then get over.