I'm trying to be more authoritative, but think it's going a bit wrong. (Giant essay post, sorry!)

[BertieBotts]

DS is 6. He's mostly kind and helpful and thoughtful but he gets in these silly moods where he has a crappy attitude and generally seems to think that nothing I say is worth anything at all.

Some flashpoints - privacy. We have no locks and he thinks it's hilarious to open the bathroom door while I'm on the toilet (too far to hold it closed), open the door while I am getting dressed, even touch my bum whenever he gets a chance (I'm really creeped out by this, even though I know he just thinks it's funny/naughty/cheeky). We do need to get a bolt but the other stuff will still need to be dealt with.

Disrespectful/rude language. He calls me poopy/stupid/I hate you/I will kill you/I will do a wee on you (The last two only when he's really angry, DH gets those too).

And then mornings. If he doesn't care about being on time (which is most times) he will deliberately stall and dither, to the point I've set a time that he has to be ready which is 20 minutes before we need to leave, and he still doesn't manage it. This was better when I let him have a reward (watching TV) if he was all totally ready to go, dressed, breakfast, teeth, coat, bag 30+ mins before we needed to leave. Then he could watch TV. Except he has lost that now for not turning it off immediately when asked.

Yesterday morning, he was messing around kicking open the door while I was on the toilet and laughing. I counted to three for him to close the door, three times. He did not so I said OK that is 3x 30 minute screen ban when we get home. He thought that quite the joke, so I said do you know what, your friend can't come over to play today.

Fast forward to after kindergarten. Actually realise this was a bloody stupid thing to say because I don't speak good enough German to explain to other child's mum, so pull DS aside and say "I am waiving your screen ban (the whole point of the playdate was Minecraft) and friend can come over ONLY because I have no choice today. But when he is gone, I'm going to think up some extra jobs you can do around the house instead." I considered moving the screen ban to the next day, but it seemed too far ahead. (I prob didn't say waiving but used 6yo language!)

Anyway, this did not actually happen, because friend came, we had a stunningly, unusually, amazingly perfect playdate with not one behaviour issue and he said goodbye nicely at the end without messing around, and I felt that needed recognition. So I said to DH that he didn't have a screen ban and only had to do his normal jobs around the house.

So, this morning. Repeat of the privacy situation leading to me trying to get dressed while standing against bedroom door to hold it shut, DS wandering around in pants for half an hour not getting dressed and asking inane questions, I did lose it a bit and snapped at him "GET OUT!" and slammed the door recovered myself a bit and walked into his room and said "Right, for that your screen ban is reinstated and with an extra half hour, so you have a 2 hour screen ban for this afternoon. I am sick of this behaviour." He called me poopy. I added 30 mins. He called me poopy, I added 30 mins. It became some kind of game until I got to halfway through Thursday and then I said "OK fine, until the end of Friday."

He said "Oh good, that's what I wanted!"

WHAT. I'm sure that's not how it's supposed to work. I included yesterday's example, because I tend to think that I don't go back on stuff but that proves that I do. I don't know if it's confusing to keep going back and forth on the options in my own head because then I'm wavering.

I would normally just ignore the "poopy" comments but DH suggested I might wish to get on top of them. So I'm trying. Now my gut is telling me I should really stick to this screen ban, but DH has pointed out that by Friday, he's going to have no idea what it was about, and reckons that I should sit him down when he gets home and have a talk with him, outline what is acceptable (sigh... again, it's been a while though) and exchange, or allow him to "earn back" the screen time for some extra jobs around the house, perhaps including some not very nice ones like cleaning around the base of the toilet (highly supervised of course!) I don't know, because I feel like it's important not to go back on what I've said, and also it might do him some good to have a total break from screens for a few days(!) but I am working extra this week and I'm going to be knackered.

And TBH, the privacy thing has been an issue since he was about three and I've tried everything including a couple of times where I've lashed out and smacked his hand :( it doesn't make a difference, explaining, stating that's the way it is/rule, reducing opportunity, increasing appropriate touch/physical contact (this the most successful, but not entirely), shouting, punishing. He thinks it's hilarious, and it makes me feel so, so small and unpowerful and my brain makes all of these unpleasant connections because I suffered sexual abuse from his father. I KNOW that's not his motivation, he's just a small child, but it's still hard to deal with.

Hi Bertie Obviously I don't know any details about your experience but I wouldn't underestimate the effect of assault on parenting. I have been gobsmacked how much my own experiences have directly impacted parenting our DS. It took a really experienced counsellor for me to connect the dots.

In the big scheme of things my assault experience isn't the worst I can imagine, but part of the essence of it can be to automatically downplay what has been done. I had no idea it had affected me so deeply for so many years and in so many areas of my life.

All sorts of elements can magnify or cushion the impact, like age, vulnerability, who it was, how others responded if you told anyone, if you were in fear of your life, what support you got (or not) afterward, and if other family members experienced similar, even in previous generations.

Anyway victim centred rant over! Just want to say don't necessarily write off any impact as automatically minor. Chatting with a really clued up and experienced professional could be worth a try to take some of the emotional oomph out of that privacy/personal space breaching/non consent touching.

This morning DH was on duty but reports everything is going well so far :)

5 minutes is too short for his screen time really. I suppose it's what they're used to, and he does get more than some other children get, but like I said, we are a screen heavy household and I think as long as he is alternating what he is doing it's not a massive problem. Lots of positives from various games, too. And the way that seems to work best for us is bigger rewards at larger intervals rather than the metaphorical giving a sticker for every tiny interaction. Different strokes of course, but that would drive me mad.

Funny you mention about the post it notes, because his kindergarten has a magnet board with little photos of all of the children and teachers, and they are meant to move the pictures around so they can see at a glance who is where. In practice, nobody does, but when DS goes to move his picture when he gets picked up, every day he sets about rearranging all of the other children and teachers into where they currently are

Dishes, I'll bear it in mind, thank you :)

Nicky, I'm afraid I probably am one of those posters I don't think that routine is necessarily bad, though, just I tend to feel resentful about it. I think the negativity is more towards the idea that babies and children can be pushed into a specific routine, because of course they are people too and they will have their own habits and idiosyncrasies etc, so we need to adapt routines for children and babies just as much as adults have different preferences. It's all about finding a balance, IMO, and as you say seeing what the children like themselves. I do tend to feel that you can have structure and boundaries without relying too heavily on punishments and rewards, although this is hypocritical as it's what I'm asking for advice on... going around in circles a bit here.

Were you one of the ones making me feel terrible because my baby naps at the same time every day??? Shame on you. Sometimes when I mention that ds likes a routine I get "God you must have worked so hard to get him like that!!". Noooo! He just started to do it himself!

i think some people are fortunate and have children who are "people pleasers" and don't want to upset anyone or do anything that could be even perceived as wrong. My oldest nephew was very much like this and needed very few limits and punishments. My youngest nephew was an entirely different child and would push and push at every boundry so needed more limits. I think different things work for different kids and you can just tailor rewards/sanctions to yours!

I wouldn't worry about the amount of screen time either, different household do things differently. For instance if you know full well that you're not going to ban him from it entirely for, say a weekend then that can't ever be a threat you make.

Oh I doubt it Nicky! :) Sounds a bizarre thread.

Yes I think as a child I was a people pleaser. I was brought up without much conflict happening at all really, so it's taken me by surprise somewhat. Dare I say, possibly a girl/boy thing?? Though of course there are girls who are contrary too and boys who are people pleasers. I find DS very good with concrete rules (like "this item lives here and must always be put back") but not subjective stuff like "speak nicely to each other".

Not sure about the boy/girl thing, i was a contrary little sod by all accounts as was my niece! You can tell the parents of people pleasers, they're fabulous parents of perfectly behaved children who put it all down to their superior child raising skills......then they have another and all hell breaks loose. My friend had a little girl who would literally always do as she was told, "Don't do that sweetheart" was always enough. Her mum did a lot of gentle parenting and talking things through with her and it worked very well, she's still beautifully behaved. Her little sister would just turn around and say "NO!" in the same situation. Far less gentle parenting with her, far more laying down the law.

I think the concrete rules thing might be a more boy thing though, but that could work in your favour as there's less wriggle room when you are discussing behaviour- no opening the door when I'm in the toilet is fairly hard to get around.