At what point is it rude to take a baby to a performance or event?

[expatkat]

There are weekly art openings and readings in my small town due to the artist and writer-heavy nature of the place. I take my kids to the openings because of their social naturepeople even bring their dogs!but I tend to leave the kids at home for the readings UNLESS I can manage to get the little one to sleep in her buggy. And if she does wake up I am out of the auditorium in half a second, so as not to disturb the reader or the audience.

Isn't this the normal, thoughtful way to behave?

But there's a mother with a 3-month-old who takes the baby to readings. Often the baby "talks" over the reader. You can see the mother in the back trying to calm the babyrocking her, walking herbut that, to my mind, is even more distracting. Sometimes she'll traipse loudly through the auditorium to the loo area to calm the baby there, but I think she should just GET OUT OF THERE. So do most other people--but no one has said anything to her.

Now, as it happens in April I'll be reading with her husband, an up-and-coming novelist. They will obviously bring the baby and I just KNOW she'll be making distracting noises and I find it terrifing enough to read. Do I say something to the mother in advance? Bear in mind that if I do, this mother, who is a much more successful & known poet than I am, will tell every poet in America that I am an uptight bitch PLUS her husband, whom I quite like, will hate me. Or do I wait and see if the baby makes noise andif she doesmake some sort of a joke at the podium like, "I'm sorry--whenever I hear a baby I feel like I should whip out a tit or something. . ." (Not that that's a good joke, but you know what I mean.)

AM I uptight? Or am I right to want to read without competing with a baby? How would you handle this, knowing that even a polite chat will make waves with this kind of a person.

Gosh Tallulah - you would REALLY hate me! We have no car but have to take our autistic 3yr old to a lot of appointments: speech therapy, the Child Development Unit, the Paediatrician, the hospital Asthma Clinic. Most, if not all, of these professionals only work at certain times and on certain days of the week. As they know ds1 is autistic they try to make his appointment first so that has to wait for as little as possible.

Walking the 3 miles into town isn't really an option when you have a 3yr old and a 1yr old - especially when the 3yr old is the size of a 6yr old and won't fit into a pushchair. I can't afford to get a taxi each time and so I often have to take both boys on the bus with me in the morning. Ds1 is fine while he's on the bus but finds it hard to stand in a queue to get on or off so I try to find a seat near the front if at all possible. He doesn't say very much and sits quietly in his own little world. This is how he deals with being surrounded by so many people.

If we weren't allowed to catch a bus before 9am I would have to choose whether to make an autistic (and asthmatic) child walk 3 miles through rush-hour traffic or whether to keep him at home and make him miss out on learning things like how to speak.

No, I wouldn't take him or his younger brother to a theatre or a poetry reading. I think that would be very unfair of me.

I agree re public transport - sympathies hercules. I think everyone should be allowed on it, whatever time. In fact tallulah, I think you'll find they are! I used to commute on the tube with ds, who went to an on site nursery where I worked, and I'd get filthy looks from other passengers if he made any noise. ffs indeed. I think they assumed I wasn't working (casual dress code) and therefore shouldn't be taking up precious tube space with my buggy in commuter time. Not that it matters whether I was working or not but it peed me off no end, I had just as much right to be there at any time of day, with or without baby/children as they did I think.

Poetry reading, or a talk or adult theatre event, better not to take a baby, and should definitely stand near door and dash out if they are noisy.

But a primary school event? Surely not? As has been pointed out below, its not easy for most people to find someone to look after toddler/baby and also they often love seeing elder sibling sing/perform or whatever. Mine have always found that very exciting. Persistent crying, again, I would take the baby or toddler out, but a bit of quiet chat/rustle of rice cakes is I think absolutely to be expected.
And as for public transport, everyone has the exact same right to use it at any time of day. I would always aim to avoid rush hour with small children if possible, for my own sanity, but would defend any parent's right to use public transport whenever they want.

i used to use public transport a lot, and i mean a lot!! dd1 loved going on the bus, and yes sometimes we got filthy looks when she cried, or sang, or was just generally being a toddler, but i say stuff the miserable gits. its public transport, so what if she travels for free, she is my child, at least listening to a small child on a bus is better than a load of foul mouthed youths at the back of the bus.

have taken dd1 to the cinema a few times, never had to take her out as she likes going but she did get bored during 'elf' (so did i) and started chatting to her cousin. must smack my hand for that one as i let them carry on, but it wasnt busy really.

I agree that younger siblings should be allowed to see their older brothers/sisters perform and I see this as much a part of school life as attending the lessons etc. However these children are so loud the Head has had to stop the assembly on occasions to ask that the children be kept quiet so the "performers" could be heard. Most of the pre-schoolers are absolutely no problem just this little group.

Thanks, everyone, for responding to this, whatever your view has been. I'm in agreement with most posts here.

The couple took their baby to the reading tonight. The baby started cooing (benign--no problem) then graduated to an annoying & persistent wail. The parents were extremely polite & left almost immediately, as though something had clicked in their minds, something which was slow to click before.

Ironically, the poet said, "No, don't go! Your baby doesn't bother me at all!" but the mother responded, "I think it would be best if we did, but thank you."

And a few minutes later the poet looked up at the wall clock and said, "What a loud and annoying tick that clock has."

The writing coordinator & I looked at each other & started laughing. Wailing baby=OK.. Almost unnoticeable ticking=bad. I started to vibrate with laughter & couldn't make myself stop during the rest of the poems. Suddenly I realized the rudest person in that room was me.

lol expatkat. Glad it worked out ok.

My reading happened tonight; it couldn't have gone better. Baby was in front row with her mum and dad (the novelist). Guess what: as many of you predicted, baby was perfect for my reading, and making a scene for her daddy. But he's a besotted dad & didn't mind a bit, so I'm not sure anything was "learned." But it all worked out, and that's the important thing. Thanks everyone.

Oh, I'm so glad. And the poet in your last post sounds lovely

I think all that we were concerned about was that you were happy with your reading, Expatkat! If Wunderkind wants to yowl away through daddy's work that's all right by us So glad it went well.

Great!

Well done expatkat * (that's a star btw )

So pleased the baby was quiet for you. Is there any chance someone could take it in turns to run a little creche for future events? Or isn't there another room available?

Juniper, the creche idea is wonderful, but probably not necessary because it's highly unusual for any "Fellows" here to have kids & it was especially out of the ordinary that TWO of us had kids. Anyway, we both have access to babysitters, the other couple just chose not to use a babysitter for readings, preferring to take their baby along with them.

But I'll mention it to the director, in case there's a situation like this in future, with one of the new groups. (Our group is out of here in a few weeks. )

Thanks again, everybody--also for your support about the reading itself! I feel v. touched that some of you have been following this scholarship saga for a year now.

I paid over £200 to take my family to a matinee in the west end recently. A really badly behaved 3 year old and her mum managed to spoil the show for us. The little girl talked loudly through the 3 1/2 hour show, jumped up and down constantly, her mum kept sushing her and talking to her and saying sorry to me- should i have said something? I changed places with dh at the interval and he was steaming by the end of the show.

Carriemac: As you can see from the story below, I have a problem with a child making a ruckus during a performance, and don't think ear-breakingly noisy babies or children (a little noisy=OK) have a place there, unless it's a Sunday matinee Disney movie that is meant for screaming and running children, or something like The Snowman, which is also going to invite a lot of backaground chatter and squirmies. The advice given by Blu (scroll down to third post) was helpful to me. . .she said, yes, it is a good idea to complain, but best to complain not to the noisemakers themselves, but to someone who works at the theater--because they can diplomatically offer a special place for noisy family to sit. She was referring more to babies, but I gather the same holds true for 3.5 year-olds.

The only thing I wonder is. . .if it you took your family to a show that was specifically aimed for children, then maybe you would get less sympathy by the ushers etc.. .I don't know. I think that, after hearing Blu's advice, i would be inclined to complain in a situation such as yours. But I don't think there's much point now, unfortunately.

Hey, XPK, that baby must have developed BRILLIANT literary taste during those early readings - pleased he/she was so appreciative of your work