I don't do boys

[crowsnest]

I have name changed because i'm so ashamed of how I feel. It eats me up and worries me daily.

I have 2 boys and a girl and I adore my girl (middle child) so much more than my boys. .

I do love my boys but it is nothing compared to my girl. She is 4 and I absolutely love everything about her and being with her. I love the girly things she loves from the clothes to the toys and her activities.
I hate boys toys, games, activities and especially can't bare play dates with other boys that turn into utter hell.

When my DD has friends round they are lovely. They all dress up and play dolly's and houses and giggle away in the bedroom. I get on well with all of her girl friends and I deal well with other peoples girls.

When DS (6) has friends in they play fight, destroy, run riot, get totally out of hand and over the top. They can be so horrible.

My youngest DS is 18 months so still just a cute baby but having spent nearly 7 years surrounded with boys (all my friends have boys the same age) im dreading it. I know he will get to 3 and just become annoying to me!
Already he goes around toddlers groups whacking kids he wants toys from. Admittedly DS1 or DD didn't do this but it's something else I've observed about the differences between the genders. Although i've met the odd Ferrel girl it's mostly boys that will go around the toddler group hitting.

My attitude stinks I know. I have 3 gorgeous healthy DC's and I should be utterly besotted with them all but i just don't do boys well .

When I had DS1 I was over the moon. Didn't care. This dislike of boys came about from being around children and watching my DC's grow. When I fell PG unexpectedly with DC3 I was praying for a girl.

I spent 9 months thinking about how she might have a sister close in age to her and imagining my two little girls and sharing a room then DS2 was born. I just cried . I was devastated. I didn't want to feel like that and I'm ashamed of it but i was gutted.

Thankfully I bonded with him. I've never had any problem with loving him or PND which I thought I might get if it was another boy. I also love DS1 and have a good relationship with both generally. I try very hard to be affectionate and spend time alone with DS1.

I have however never shook off the disappointment. 2 of the other antenatal friends who had boys same time as me first time went on to have girls same time as me having DD then we all had our third same time. Yep, you guessed it, they had 2nd girls and I had DS2. I could see their delight. I could feel it. They would say things like "so glad they can share a room" or "it's nice for DD1".

I feel bad DD will never have a sister. I didn't have one and in recent years thought how nice it would be as an adult particularly.

My heart is breaking about how quickly DD has grown and she will have to go to school in August. I've never had anytime with her as when DS1 went to school, DS2 was born. She is having to start young as she is a December baby. I cry everytime I think about my gorgeous little girl growing up. Im going to spend my life worrying about her more and adoring her so much more than the boys which is so wrong. All of the hard work to bring up 3 but feeling like I have 1 child in my heart .

Has anyone else felt like this? Did it get better in time?

[balenciaga]

Aww op :(

Tbh I kind of get where you're coming from, I have a DS aged 7 and a dd who is 4. and dd is so much calmer and quieter than ds with his rough play and the way he just can't sit still and is just soooooo noisy and he kind of throws himself about all the time, and when he's with his friends it's like a tornado going through the house

So no real advice lol just wanted you to know you're not alone

[Fairenuff]

OP I think you are projecting into the future too much and foreseeing problems or personal losses which might never happen.

My dh is very close with his mum and she is involved in our lives and spent a lot of time with our children when they were little. She loves being the grandma and playing with them, absolutely dotes on them and we take care include her.

I don't see much of my mum. I don't particularly like her because she wasn't that great in bringing me up.

So you can see, it's nothing to do with gender, it's how you treat people that is the deciding factor as to whether they want you in their lives.

[crowsnest]

fairenuff You have hit the nail on the head and got me down to a tee in your first sentence - unfortunately.

I have a fear of the future.

My childhood was two parents who fought day and night and an unruly brother. An aggressive household where I was always in the middle trying to keep the peace - .

I have turned into a child since having children in that I again feel anxious and fear what is about to happen or might happen all over again.

I don't want to feel like this and I want a good relationship with all of my children. My DD would hate me also as many pointed out.

Im really not getting over some points well. I don't actually have any behavioral issues with my 3. My DS1 is normal from what I can see. Just gets hyper with other boys around, well actually, other children. Shows off etc. Nothing too abnormal. He is generally a great boy and very loving and kind to all of his family. DS2 is a normal 18 month old and Im working n the minor hitting over toys. DD is FAR from perfect .

[crowsnest]

DD kicking off there just as I said that! Anyway, the problem is deep in me and not with the kids. They are generally good kids.

[crowsnest]

Thankyou all though as it has helped me enormously. Especially the points about ruining my relationships with the boys and DD.

[Fairenuff]

Yes, this is more about how you see yourself as a parent and how anxious you are that it might go wrong. I think you need to accept that some things will go wrong and that's ok, you don't have to be perfect.

A parenting course might really help and also some counselling for yourself to talk over how your own upbringing is affecting you now.

FWIW I think it's normal for our own childhood experiences to rear their head when we have children of our own.

[HaveYouTriedARewardChart]

OP I haven't RTFT so apologies if I repeat anything but I think you need to find ways to engage with and stimulate your boys more (to try aand channel and embrace their boyness!)

I mean lots of outdoor time, lots of physical activity.

And engage them in things likely to interest them - for mine that's stories about pirates, hobbits, dragons, weapons, rainforests, the ocean,, volcanoes, the solar system... all those things about which I knew nothing about before having my DSs.... and I really enjoy finding out about them together. Obviously girls can be interested in this stuff too but in my experience there's something about boys and obsessive interests and endless facts. ...

I just think it sounds like you need to try ti get more interested in things your boys like.

I'll be back to ask advice about dealing with my fear of all things pink should dc3 turn out to be a girl!

[TiredFeet]

Just seen your worries about the future, I see as much of mil as I do my own parents, and ds definitely is more attached to dh's parents than mine. They have been careful to be non jugemental and not too pushy and I love spending time with her.

[WotchOotErAPolis]

Crowsnest - I do feel for you. I have 3 DSs, aged 16, 14 and 11.

Although DS3 I'd say is my favourite, they all have their pros and cons. DS1 is a total geek and isn't good at communicating, but is great fun for other boys to talk to - including 'adult boys' (for want of a better description) , including his music teacher who gets along v well with him; DS2 is a 6footer now and I'm proud of his bass guitar style!; DS3 is my 'academic one' and is a good diplomat at school but can be a total monster at home. He's the one who winds everyone else up!

Their friends have been quite a variety over the years, but i have to say that after one friend's bad behaviour, I took him home (explaining to his Mum what I objected to). She was OK about it but he hasn't been round since! We also have one other friend who is now banned from the house after we witnessed his bad behaviour whilst out.

Maybe the point is that all children are different. Don't feel bad that you might favour one over the other. My eldest 2 boys are turning into fine young men now. Having said DS3 is the one I have a soft spot for, DS2 is becoming very cuddly and affectionate and DS1 is developing a quirky sense of humour, so feelings are fluid and change over time.

As long as your kids are happy, don't worry about favouritism. My sister was always Nana's little sweetheart, but neither my other sister nor I minded as she demonstrated her love for all of us. With her I think my sister reminded her of herself when she was younger so they were just closer.

[AngryPrincess]

Can you schedule some 1:1 time with each of your boys? Sometimes just hanging out can make things easier.

[crowsnest]

I have to say a big thank you to MNrs for listening to my long rants yesterday and all the words of wisdom. You have no idea how much calmer I feel today.
Typing out all of my pent up feelings then reading it back to myself then all of the comments has really made me stop and take note.

Im definitely suffering from anxiety. The constant analyzing and worrying and how I have felt physically. I don't know why I didn't notice.

I've put all of this energy into what I per-sieve as the problem.
I've always been grateful i didn't have PND but obviously it's anxiety with me.
I don't speak to anyone like this and I always like to be relaxed and happy with everyone.
Can't stand moaners with chips on their shoulders (I must have a closet chip)! This has also made me build up to this state I have been in. Im not a nervous or jumpy person and outwardly don't show any form of angst.

I kind of stepped outside of myself today and took note. I had a lovely morning with DS2 while the others were at school and nursery. He was very funny and affectionate as usual and I thought about how often I just sit and smile, watching him.

I picked DD up and took them both out for lunch - had it's moments but I just enjoyed them, enjoyed the moment instead of thinking - oh no, they will grow too quickly.

When we picked up DS1 from school he did his usual, lit up like a Christmas tree when he seen me and big hugs for everyone followed by non stop talking.

He had me in stitches tonight. He is convinced he can do Cartwheels, Handstands and other gymnastic based stunts but is really rather crap at them .
In his over enthusiastic manner he accidentally turned a run then handstand into a full flip in the air and landed on his back. His face crumpled ready for the crying and hysterics (he is quite the drama queen). I quickly diverted this by shouting Wow, that was amazing followed by me PMSL. He then got a fit of the giggles too and I thought - What's the problem? I love him to bits, he loves me. Regardless of my guilt of a favorite - I love him.

Im now feeling so much more positive and relieved almost that I recognise what is wrong and that I can work on calming down more than anything.

I have my first ever girls trip away for 3 nights coming up soon. I need it. I actually need a break from the kids and to find me again and other interests. I used to do so much more but feel guilty for the least thing.

Im sorry this is long winded (should have been a blog) but the point is - maybe a lot of mums on MN have similar issues because it can be all consuming, especially if you are at home with them all day. It can feel like you are in a bubble with no way out and nothing else going on.

Im not saying the anxiety will now disappear but now that im aware of it im going to focus on dealing with it. Hopefully my irrational thoughts will subside and today I actually believe they will.

Thanks again :)

[HaveYouTriedARewardChart]

Glad you had such a good day

Good luck!

[LtGreggs]

Oh crowsnest well done! So glad you had a good day yesterday and can see the situation with a bit of objectivity - that really helps.

Your children sound lovely

[Eletheomel]

Sounds like you had a brilliant day yesterday OP - (love the image of your eldest doing his stunts - i have a 4 year old who things he is great at kung fu and ninja stuff (the turtles have a lot to answer for) it's hard at times to praise his 'ninja moves' when all you want to do is collapse in laughter :-D

Hope you enjoy your mini-break with the girls :-)

When I was younger (much younger) I used to write down whenever I was feeling crap - found it really cathartic. I'd then destroy it as it was way too embarassing (in the cold light of day) to have lying around, but for me it really worked as a way of getting perspective - maybe you're blogging has had the same effect :-)