I don't do boys

[crowsnest]

I have name changed because i'm so ashamed of how I feel. It eats me up and worries me daily.

I have 2 boys and a girl and I adore my girl (middle child) so much more than my boys. .

I do love my boys but it is nothing compared to my girl. She is 4 and I absolutely love everything about her and being with her. I love the girly things she loves from the clothes to the toys and her activities.
I hate boys toys, games, activities and especially can't bare play dates with other boys that turn into utter hell.

When my DD has friends round they are lovely. They all dress up and play dolly's and houses and giggle away in the bedroom. I get on well with all of her girl friends and I deal well with other peoples girls.

When DS (6) has friends in they play fight, destroy, run riot, get totally out of hand and over the top. They can be so horrible.

My youngest DS is 18 months so still just a cute baby but having spent nearly 7 years surrounded with boys (all my friends have boys the same age) im dreading it. I know he will get to 3 and just become annoying to me!
Already he goes around toddlers groups whacking kids he wants toys from. Admittedly DS1 or DD didn't do this but it's something else I've observed about the differences between the genders. Although i've met the odd Ferrel girl it's mostly boys that will go around the toddler group hitting.

My attitude stinks I know. I have 3 gorgeous healthy DC's and I should be utterly besotted with them all but i just don't do boys well .

When I had DS1 I was over the moon. Didn't care. This dislike of boys came about from being around children and watching my DC's grow. When I fell PG unexpectedly with DC3 I was praying for a girl.

I spent 9 months thinking about how she might have a sister close in age to her and imagining my two little girls and sharing a room then DS2 was born. I just cried . I was devastated. I didn't want to feel like that and I'm ashamed of it but i was gutted.

Thankfully I bonded with him. I've never had any problem with loving him or PND which I thought I might get if it was another boy. I also love DS1 and have a good relationship with both generally. I try very hard to be affectionate and spend time alone with DS1.

I have however never shook off the disappointment. 2 of the other antenatal friends who had boys same time as me first time went on to have girls same time as me having DD then we all had our third same time. Yep, you guessed it, they had 2nd girls and I had DS2. I could see their delight. I could feel it. They would say things like "so glad they can share a room" or "it's nice for DD1".

I feel bad DD will never have a sister. I didn't have one and in recent years thought how nice it would be as an adult particularly.

My heart is breaking about how quickly DD has grown and she will have to go to school in August. I've never had anytime with her as when DS1 went to school, DS2 was born. She is having to start young as she is a December baby. I cry everytime I think about my gorgeous little girl growing up. Im going to spend my life worrying about her more and adoring her so much more than the boys which is so wrong. All of the hard work to bring up 3 but feeling like I have 1 child in my heart .

Has anyone else felt like this? Did it get better in time?

[Eletheomel]

Sounds like you had a brilliant day yesterday OP - (love the image of your eldest doing his stunts - i have a 4 year old who things he is great at kung fu and ninja stuff (the turtles have a lot to answer for) it's hard at times to praise his 'ninja moves' when all you want to do is collapse in laughter :-D

Hope you enjoy your mini-break with the girls :-)

When I was younger (much younger) I used to write down whenever I was feeling crap - found it really cathartic. I'd then destroy it as it was way too embarassing (in the cold light of day) to have lying around, but for me it really worked as a way of getting perspective - maybe you're blogging has had the same effect :-)

[LtGreggs]

Oh crowsnest well done! So glad you had a good day yesterday and can see the situation with a bit of objectivity - that really helps.

Your children sound lovely

[HaveYouTriedARewardChart]

Glad you had such a good day

Good luck!

[crowsnest]

I have to say a big thank you to MNrs for listening to my long rants yesterday and all the words of wisdom. You have no idea how much calmer I feel today.
Typing out all of my pent up feelings then reading it back to myself then all of the comments has really made me stop and take note.

Im definitely suffering from anxiety. The constant analyzing and worrying and how I have felt physically. I don't know why I didn't notice.

I've put all of this energy into what I per-sieve as the problem.
I've always been grateful i didn't have PND but obviously it's anxiety with me.
I don't speak to anyone like this and I always like to be relaxed and happy with everyone.
Can't stand moaners with chips on their shoulders (I must have a closet chip)! This has also made me build up to this state I have been in. Im not a nervous or jumpy person and outwardly don't show any form of angst.

I kind of stepped outside of myself today and took note. I had a lovely morning with DS2 while the others were at school and nursery. He was very funny and affectionate as usual and I thought about how often I just sit and smile, watching him.

I picked DD up and took them both out for lunch - had it's moments but I just enjoyed them, enjoyed the moment instead of thinking - oh no, they will grow too quickly.

When we picked up DS1 from school he did his usual, lit up like a Christmas tree when he seen me and big hugs for everyone followed by non stop talking.

He had me in stitches tonight. He is convinced he can do Cartwheels, Handstands and other gymnastic based stunts but is really rather crap at them .
In his over enthusiastic manner he accidentally turned a run then handstand into a full flip in the air and landed on his back. His face crumpled ready for the crying and hysterics (he is quite the drama queen). I quickly diverted this by shouting Wow, that was amazing followed by me PMSL. He then got a fit of the giggles too and I thought - What's the problem? I love him to bits, he loves me. Regardless of my guilt of a favorite - I love him.

Im now feeling so much more positive and relieved almost that I recognise what is wrong and that I can work on calming down more than anything.

I have my first ever girls trip away for 3 nights coming up soon. I need it. I actually need a break from the kids and to find me again and other interests. I used to do so much more but feel guilty for the least thing.

Im sorry this is long winded (should have been a blog) but the point is - maybe a lot of mums on MN have similar issues because it can be all consuming, especially if you are at home with them all day. It can feel like you are in a bubble with no way out and nothing else going on.

Im not saying the anxiety will now disappear but now that im aware of it im going to focus on dealing with it. Hopefully my irrational thoughts will subside and today I actually believe they will.

Thanks again :)

[AngryPrincess]

Can you schedule some 1:1 time with each of your boys? Sometimes just hanging out can make things easier.

[WotchOotErAPolis]

Crowsnest - I do feel for you. I have 3 DSs, aged 16, 14 and 11.

Although DS3 I'd say is my favourite, they all have their pros and cons. DS1 is a total geek and isn't good at communicating, but is great fun for other boys to talk to - including 'adult boys' (for want of a better description) , including his music teacher who gets along v well with him; DS2 is a 6footer now and I'm proud of his bass guitar style!; DS3 is my 'academic one' and is a good diplomat at school but can be a total monster at home. He's the one who winds everyone else up!

Their friends have been quite a variety over the years, but i have to say that after one friend's bad behaviour, I took him home (explaining to his Mum what I objected to). She was OK about it but he hasn't been round since! We also have one other friend who is now banned from the house after we witnessed his bad behaviour whilst out.

Maybe the point is that all children are different. Don't feel bad that you might favour one over the other. My eldest 2 boys are turning into fine young men now. Having said DS3 is the one I have a soft spot for, DS2 is becoming very cuddly and affectionate and DS1 is developing a quirky sense of humour, so feelings are fluid and change over time.

As long as your kids are happy, don't worry about favouritism. My sister was always Nana's little sweetheart, but neither my other sister nor I minded as she demonstrated her love for all of us. With her I think my sister reminded her of herself when she was younger so they were just closer.

[TiredFeet]

Just seen your worries about the future, I see as much of mil as I do my own parents, and ds definitely is more attached to dh's parents than mine. They have been careful to be non jugemental and not too pushy and I love spending time with her.

[HaveYouTriedARewardChart]

OP I haven't RTFT so apologies if I repeat anything but I think you need to find ways to engage with and stimulate your boys more (to try aand channel and embrace their boyness!)

I mean lots of outdoor time, lots of physical activity.

And engage them in things likely to interest them - for mine that's stories about pirates, hobbits, dragons, weapons, rainforests, the ocean,, volcanoes, the solar system... all those things about which I knew nothing about before having my DSs.... and I really enjoy finding out about them together. Obviously girls can be interested in this stuff too but in my experience there's something about boys and obsessive interests and endless facts. ...

I just think it sounds like you need to try ti get more interested in things your boys like.

I'll be back to ask advice about dealing with my fear of all things pink should dc3 turn out to be a girl!

[Fairenuff]

Yes, this is more about how you see yourself as a parent and how anxious you are that it might go wrong. I think you need to accept that some things will go wrong and that's ok, you don't have to be perfect.

A parenting course might really help and also some counselling for yourself to talk over how your own upbringing is affecting you now.

FWIW I think it's normal for our own childhood experiences to rear their head when we have children of our own.

[crowsnest]

Thankyou all though as it has helped me enormously. Especially the points about ruining my relationships with the boys and DD.

[crowsnest]

DD kicking off there just as I said that! Anyway, the problem is deep in me and not with the kids. They are generally good kids.

[crowsnest]

fairenuff You have hit the nail on the head and got me down to a tee in your first sentence - unfortunately.

I have a fear of the future.

My childhood was two parents who fought day and night and an unruly brother. An aggressive household where I was always in the middle trying to keep the peace - .

I have turned into a child since having children in that I again feel anxious and fear what is about to happen or might happen all over again.

I don't want to feel like this and I want a good relationship with all of my children. My DD would hate me also as many pointed out.

Im really not getting over some points well. I don't actually have any behavioral issues with my 3. My DS1 is normal from what I can see. Just gets hyper with other boys around, well actually, other children. Shows off etc. Nothing too abnormal. He is generally a great boy and very loving and kind to all of his family. DS2 is a normal 18 month old and Im working n the minor hitting over toys. DD is FAR from perfect .

[Fairenuff]

OP I think you are projecting into the future too much and foreseeing problems or personal losses which might never happen.

My dh is very close with his mum and she is involved in our lives and spent a lot of time with our children when they were little. She loves being the grandma and playing with them, absolutely dotes on them and we take care include her.

I don't see much of my mum. I don't particularly like her because she wasn't that great in bringing me up.

So you can see, it's nothing to do with gender, it's how you treat people that is the deciding factor as to whether they want you in their lives.

[balenciaga]

Aww op :(

Tbh I kind of get where you're coming from, I have a DS aged 7 and a dd who is 4. and dd is so much calmer and quieter than ds with his rough play and the way he just can't sit still and is just soooooo noisy and he kind of throws himself about all the time, and when he's with his friends it's like a tornado going through the house

So no real advice lol just wanted you to know you're not alone

[PenguinsEatSpinach]

Slightly off topic, but please don't make your DS cuddle a child he has just hit. Often the last thing a hurt child wants is to tolerate a hug from the child who hit them. It also sends bad messages to that child. Much better just to compel an apology to child (or parent if the child would rather not participate).

[cory]

Also don't forget how difficult your dd's life would be once she (and her brothers) realised she was the favourite. For her sake as much as for theirs, you need to get help.

As for non-boisterous but active pursuits, drama club is another good one. Allows physical expression in a controlled fashion. And often involves older children who can be good role models.

[Helpyourself]

Has the rough play started since he started school? If so and if it really is 'doing your head in' consider alternatives- home school or gentle prep, or moving somewhere where he could be physical 'constructively' alpine village, pacific fishing island More realistically could he take up an instrument? He'd have company and 'busyness' and they're a less raucous bunch. Unless he plays the drums.
What was your childhood like? I have 2 younger brothers who although they were very physical were also 'gentle readers' who hated football. It's hardly surprising that that is DH to a tee, ditto DS! I'd feel very strange if they were stompy loud clubable types.

[lunar1]

I can't offer the same empathy at other posters, I just don't get it.

I have two sons, they are people not just boys. They like to draw and do crafts, they love to help in the kitchen. They have never hit another child. Ds1 loves cars and star wars, ds2 loves planes angry birds and a little pink pushchair. They are individuals and I love them for who they are.

I think you need help, how would your sons feel if they realised?i feel so sorry for them, they deserve better.

[cory]

To me, it seems that you have a deeper problem than the obvious one of preferring the quieter behaviour of your dd to the more boisterous approach of her brothers.

You also write:

"I cry everytime I think about my gorgeous little girl growing up. Im going to spend my life worrying about her more and adoring her so much more than the boys which is so wrong."

What this says to me is that you somehow need your dd to fulfill your deeper needs, that you struggle with the idea of letting her go and of letting her be her own person.

Please get help for this before this is too late.

It isn't just that it's unfair to your little boys and may damage them. It is also very unfair to your little girl to lay the burden on her of having to grow up into the person you need from a daughter.

And I speak as the daughter here (though thankfully my mother has always been very appreciative of her sons too). The whole "I need a special link with you because you are my daughter so you have to understand me in a special way" is very wearying when you are a child/teenager/young woman trying to hold up the other end. I love my mother dearly and talk to her often. But I live a long way off. I need to, to be able to be a real person, not just the dream daughter she needs.

[crowsnest]

I've just noticed the comments about my 18month DS. This hitting business has only just started happening and my god im on it. I fly through the air and get down to his level. He has to cuddle the offended etc. It's a first for me and there is no chance im putting up with it so don't worry about that. Im mortified. If he had carried it on he'd have been put back in the buggy and marched out but he stops after a row.

[crowsnest]

Haven't read all yet but I need to make a few clearer points I have done a rubbish job of explaining.
My DS's have never been given toys I decide they should have.

When DS1 liked the buggy and dolly at toddler group I bought him one for Christmas. He even now has been known to play princesses with his sister and seemed to enjoy dressing up .
He however CHOOSES anything that looks evil just now! Not that the toys are the big issue as he now plays well on his own and doesn't need me as much for that. My DD also loves a bit of rough and tumble with her bro and they watch power rangers together. Sometimes im dragging her off of him!
DS2 plays with a dolly constantly and often chooses his sisters room over his brothers. So i've not manipulated them that way.
I mainly mean the play dates I suppose. I think what I meant is I enjoy the stuff she likes more.

Im also firm with the kids. I do dicipline and my god DD can drive me nuts too. My DS1 is probably better behaved at certain times but it's when we are out or have other kids round he turns loopy.

I take no nonsense but it makes life difficult with friends. He barley gets any friends round because he is unable to listen when he gets over hyper.

[FiscalCliffRocksThisTown]

Barbarian, I have no value attached to either boys ir girks and their behaviour. Nowhere did I state or imply girks should not do sport.

You are arguing against points I did not make .

My observation was noted, based on boys and girls in playgroup in our village. I do not know , or pretend to know about ALL boys and girls, nor did I say anywhere that boy stuff is better.

It is all in your head.

[cosikitty]

Teamhawk, I don't recall saying the difference was a negative thing, just that there is a difference. The afraid part of my sentence was intended to indicate that I was afraid I was going against the common consensus on the thread that boys don't behave differently to girls, most other posters had said that their girls were no differently behaved to their boys.

[juneau]

Don't assume that if you'd had a second DD that she and your DD would've been 'best friends' either. I have a sister and we have absolutely NOTHING in common. If she wasn't related to me I'd never have been friends with her - we're just too different and we've never really got on as a result.

As a mother of two DSs I admit I felt really sad for your boys reading your post. I hope that writing on here and getting some advice will help you to deal with your anxieties and get help for this. It really is very unfair to tar all boys with the negative brush you're doing. Yes, boys as a group can be unruly, but girls also have their negative gender traits, and each child is an individual who may well not conform to any of the gender stereotypes. So please, for your DSs sake, seek some therapy to help you overcome your prejudices.