I don't do boys

[crowsnest]

I have name changed because i'm so ashamed of how I feel. It eats me up and worries me daily.

I have 2 boys and a girl and I adore my girl (middle child) so much more than my boys. .

I do love my boys but it is nothing compared to my girl. She is 4 and I absolutely love everything about her and being with her. I love the girly things she loves from the clothes to the toys and her activities.
I hate boys toys, games, activities and especially can't bare play dates with other boys that turn into utter hell.

When my DD has friends round they are lovely. They all dress up and play dolly's and houses and giggle away in the bedroom. I get on well with all of her girl friends and I deal well with other peoples girls.

When DS (6) has friends in they play fight, destroy, run riot, get totally out of hand and over the top. They can be so horrible.

My youngest DS is 18 months so still just a cute baby but having spent nearly 7 years surrounded with boys (all my friends have boys the same age) im dreading it. I know he will get to 3 and just become annoying to me!
Already he goes around toddlers groups whacking kids he wants toys from. Admittedly DS1 or DD didn't do this but it's something else I've observed about the differences between the genders. Although i've met the odd Ferrel girl it's mostly boys that will go around the toddler group hitting.

My attitude stinks I know. I have 3 gorgeous healthy DC's and I should be utterly besotted with them all but i just don't do boys well .

When I had DS1 I was over the moon. Didn't care. This dislike of boys came about from being around children and watching my DC's grow. When I fell PG unexpectedly with DC3 I was praying for a girl.

I spent 9 months thinking about how she might have a sister close in age to her and imagining my two little girls and sharing a room then DS2 was born. I just cried . I was devastated. I didn't want to feel like that and I'm ashamed of it but i was gutted.

Thankfully I bonded with him. I've never had any problem with loving him or PND which I thought I might get if it was another boy. I also love DS1 and have a good relationship with both generally. I try very hard to be affectionate and spend time alone with DS1.

I have however never shook off the disappointment. 2 of the other antenatal friends who had boys same time as me first time went on to have girls same time as me having DD then we all had our third same time. Yep, you guessed it, they had 2nd girls and I had DS2. I could see their delight. I could feel it. They would say things like "so glad they can share a room" or "it's nice for DD1".

I feel bad DD will never have a sister. I didn't have one and in recent years thought how nice it would be as an adult particularly.

My heart is breaking about how quickly DD has grown and she will have to go to school in August. I've never had anytime with her as when DS1 went to school, DS2 was born. She is having to start young as she is a December baby. I cry everytime I think about my gorgeous little girl growing up. Im going to spend my life worrying about her more and adoring her so much more than the boys which is so wrong. All of the hard work to bring up 3 but feeling like I have 1 child in my heart .

Has anyone else felt like this? Did it get better in time?

[strawberrypenguin]

Well for a start you should stop your DS2 going around hitting other children! That is not 'being a boy' that is misbehaving and needs to be stopped now. (Yes I do have a boy, he's 2 and not allowed to hit) yes he has bundles of energy but show me a 2 yo who doesn't.

Boys toys are awesome maybe you need to play with some, because cars, dinosaurs, building blocks what's not to like!

Fwiw my DS's 'best friend' is a girl, she loves pink and girly things and running around too.

[crowsnest]

milddoctor I think I have anxiety. I was a bit anxious after DS1 and is calmed down but really bad after DD. Not sure in subsided before I was PG again. I had CBT after DD but ended up diagnosed with an underactive thyroid which is one of the main symptoms. The therapist put my anxiety down to my stressful childhood.

Everyone who knows me think im totally laid back! I never let it show.

driven Im not sure but maybe there is something in what you say. DD totally reminds me of me as a child. My mum keeps saying it's like me all over again in looks and personality. Maybe then there is something in what you say.

Yep, as I thought. Im mad!

[ENormaSnob]

I am the opposite to you op.

I have 3 boys and 1 girl and find dd far more challenging than her brothers.

Maybe the tables will turn once your dd gets older? Who knows i guess.

Dont ever let those boys know how you feel.

[Helpyourself]

I agree with parenting gender neutrally.
And this is possibly impossible, but can you manipulate your ds' peer group? DS had an extraordinary cohort, who would ask to wash their hands before McDonald's , weren't allowed to watch TopGear etc- extraordinarily polite and well mannered.
Although thinking more deeply it's wrong to encourage friendships for your needs iyswim- ds 'fell among' them.

[Fairenuff]

I hope I do settle once they are older

I'm afraid sitting back and hoping won't change a thing.

You need to be pro-active.

You need to firstly work on what behaviour is acceptable and what isn't. Then you parent the children accordingly. They should all know the rules and the consequences for breaking them.

Then you need to find some fun activities to do with all your children but certainly find time for some 1-1 activities with each of them. Talk to them, laugh with them, get to know then and you will experience joy with each of them.

I think it would be a good idea to look up parenting courses in your area as they can help with a lot of this.

[treaclesoda]

Slightly off topic but with regard to discipline, I find disciplining another child much easier than disciplining my own if they are in my house. I just do the 'would you do that at home?' line. If the answer is yes, I reply 'well, just to let you know, we don't do that in this house. If I see you doing it again, I'll be contacting your mum/dad to come and take you home'. If they answer 'no' then its 'well, why are you doing it here then, and if I see you doing it again etc etc'. And I act on it; I have sent children home before, and without exception they are a model of good behaviour on any subsequent visits. But it has worked on every child that I've ever had in my house (including the one who drew on my freshly painted walls with felt tips ).

I only wish that disciplining my own children was as easy.

[thonah]

Boys are great, but playdates with 6 year old boys are definitely a taste I never acquired! I love my DS but I hated having his friends round in the early primary years and avoided as much as I could (quite easy as I work so they are in after school club). Even now (he's 9) there's friends I try to avoid having round - not because they are nasty or unkind, but just particularly boisterous, noisy and demanding. There are now several that are a joy to have round though - so it does get better! My DD (6) loves girly things but she can be an awkward madam at times - DS is much easier!

[FuckingWankwings]

Well, I think you're pretty brave to be open about your feelings. No slap or judgement from me, but here's my two penn-orth:

I've spoken to the parents, our neighbours and friends ... They seem to just think, ah well, they are little children.

I suspect they actually think 'ah well, they are little boys'! I agree with everyone else who's said it's about personality more than gender, but I also think there is a tendency for adults to expect and condition –consciously or not – girls to be quieter than boys and 'play nicely'.

You say you 'hate boys toys, games, activities' but what does this mean? What IS a boy's toy? Would you still hate it if your DD or one of her female friends was playing with it?

I think you need to deal with ANY of your children's friends who turn play dates into scenes from hell; gender is irrelevant. And try to see children more as boisterous children rather than dividing them into boys and girls with different behaviours, if that makes sense.

And yes, your child needs to stop hitting other children because they've got toys he wants. Again, his gender doesn't matter.

I think parenting courses, as someone else suggests, might be a nice idea.

[Artandco]

I have two boys. They are both calm, enjoy playing both cars and dolls, nail varnish and mud. They have been brought up encouraged to play with what they like not what they are perceived to have to like. I also let them wear tights/ leggings and fairy wings if they like.
As I type ds2 is wearing stripy blue and grey tights, grey jumper, white 'girls' slippers with rabbit ears, and a Viking hat!

I'm sorry this is how you feel, but I so think there is many things you can do to discourage things. Ie I wouldn't let either gender run around screaming in house, and hitting others would be immediately removed from situation and told its isn't acceptable. Don't buy guns/ swords/ or allow fighting. Let all of them play with everything. Encourage 'quiet' things as well ie baking/ drawing etc

Ours might start the day bathing toy baby, then roll in mud outside, followed by quietly drawing, then making a space ship out of cushions and later playing cooking for dolls/ teddies and pirates. A huge mixture, and nothing just for 'boys'

[SoonToBeSix]

A December baby is one of the oldest not youngest.

[2kidsintow]

I have a friend who has three children. Each time, she desperately wanted a girl. Each time she had a boy. She was devastated.

DH has had the snip now. But they are considering adopting - but ONLY if they can have a girl.

Now that's not something I can comprehend.

[TeamHank]

I have two boys who are very well behaved, as are their friends, and if they're not then I tell them off.

I feel very sad for your boys - but you are not alone, I see this all the time in mixed gender families and its tragic.

It makes me so angry that boys are seen as second best and a real disappointment by so many mums.

[LtGreggs]

(December baby would be among youngest if in Scotland.)

[PixelAteMyFace]

I think early childhood is a difficult time for mothers - there are plenty of rewards, certainly, but also so many moments of self-doubt. We spend a lot of time beating ourselves up for various reasons. Maybe we always think other people sail through it all, perhaps we have unrealistic expectations.

Each child has his/her specific character, some are more challenging than others, regardless of gender. Boys on the whole are more boisterous than girls when in groups IME - I have the same as you OP, similar age differences, but mine are adults now.

If your DS2 had been a girl, she could have been completely different from your DD. But whatever behaviour your children show now, it is part of their development and will continue to change.

As they get older it is much easier to relate to them all, as you can have "proper" conversations, and I'm sure you will get just as much pleasure from talking to your sons as to your daughter.

Don't overthink things, OP, and don't be too hard on yourself.

[drivenfromdistraction]

OP, building on what you say about seeing yourself in your DD - maybe try looking for yourself in your DSs as well? Just as much of your genetic make-up is in them as in your DD, you know! It'll be there, if you look for it.

As a note, I find that the qualities that annoy me most in my blood relatives are actually ones that I share. DS1 can be quite confrontational and argumentative, which I don't respond to well, whereas DS2 has the most charming way of talking me round to his way of thinking. I have realised that DS1's behaviour is just like mine, here. I wish I was the skilled negotiator that DS2 just is naturally, but I'm not, I wade in head-on and get hung up on a single point of difference - just like DS1. Recognising that this is why we clash sometimes has made me far, far better at handling it. If DS2 was a girl, perhaps I'd have put the difference between them down to a gender difference and completely have missed the fact that it was my own attitude creating a problem where there didn't need to be one.

[TiredFeet]

I can see you realise this isn't a great set up, so please please try to deal with this through counselling, parenting courses. My sister in law is the same, she clearly prefers her daughter and everything to do with her daughter (she told me her daughter is her 'reward' for having a boy first). the sad thing is is that it becomes a vicious circle. Her son did plenty of sitting down and drawing with me, he loves cuddles and stories, but she is too busy seeing him as a naughty noisy boy to realise that she could nurture his softer side as well. He can obviously see the difference and you can see him hurting and he then acts up :(

[AwfulMaureen]

I have two girls and I bloody LOVE little boys. They're a nice change. I love the way so many of them adore weird shit that I can't get my head round...one little lad taught me how to play with action figures....I was "walking" them along and talking them...he said "noooo....Maureen you do this!" and bashed them and crashed them...taught me how to "fight" them.

It was lovely to play differently for once.

[canyourearme]

I dont think its boys being boys but boys being baughty.

[Viviennemary]

I do think having two boys is a rowdier household than just having one or having an all girls house. And friends with boys agree. It's just life.

[sonlypuppyfat]

My boy was never like that nor his mates. DS has his moments but he's nearly 15 and is my best friend he is the most sharp witted funniest person I know. Boys are the best.

[FiscalCliffRocksThisTown]

Welllllll

Chatted about boys and girls with three of my friends who have girls only. After a few drinks we agreed it was like this:

Little boys on the whole are a bit harder work than little girls. The girls can play quietly, colour, draw or just play whilst boys run around more, climb on furniture and are a just a bit more of a handful.

Then, however, it changes and by the time they are preteens ( 9 and up) it is suddenly the girls who have massive fall outs with friends and are generally becoming harder work.

Older boys are sooooo much easier than tots! Invest in lego and a football and you are sorted !

[Davsmum]

I prefer boys. I struggled to do all the girly stuff with my daughter when she was little.
I prefer the way boys play to the way girls tend to. As for teen years - my son was really good but my daughter was a nightmare!
Perhaps it was because she sensed I preferred boys that she rebelled a bit!

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

You appear to be defining your children over their gender. Your DD is the pink princess who likes anything girly. Your DS's run riot and any bad behaviour is down to them being boys.

You say your ds2 has started whacking kids at playgroup. Do you stop this behaviour or just put it down to boys being boys? Bad behaviour is bad behaviour regardless of gender.

There are so many threads on mn from grown children talking about how their parents preferred another sibling and how uninterested they are in them and their grandchildren. It's so sad. Don't let your sons be the ones writing these threads in years to come.

[crowsnest]

tiredfeet weirdly I immediately got annoyed at your sister in law !!
I would never say this stuff out loud and she obviously doesn't care that she feels this way. Pot -kettle!! I feel like shit for being like this.

pixelatemyface aha, I wanted someone like you to come on! So did you feel like this at all when they were young and do you have a secret favorite? Do you ever wish your DD had a sister? My main question - Is you DD closer to you? Do the boys do their own thing and you and DD chat or spend more time together?

I do analyze way too much. My gran had 4 boys then a girl and she said her life was hard because of the boys. She spoiled my mum but weirdly they had a rocky relationship later.

My mum had my DB too young in her opinion and never bonded with him. As a result of this and my horrid dad, he was very badly behaved. I was always wary of him.

I never thought any of this affected me but it clearly has. I grew up hearing the expression 'daughters are daughters all of your life but a son is your son until he takes a wife'.

When I had DS1 I couldn't comprehend how my mum had been with my brother. I adored him. I still love him and am very affectionate. When it's just me and him I love it.
Im however convinced that I will only ever have a lasting relationship with a DD and worry she might emigrate (geez, Im pouring this out and realising more and more how batty I've been)!

Unfortunately I seen it with my 4 Uncles, My dad, my brother and my DH who has 3 sisters. They all live their own lives and have more of a relationship with their wife and inlaws than their own family's.

[BarbarianMum]

Well clearly all the girls who don't like sitting nicely and colouring but prefer running round should be gender reassigned then. Not feminine enough. And all those boys who sit quietly for hours building things out of lego, or reading or glued to a tablet playing minecraft - clearly something dodgey about their testosterone levels, eh?

It depresses me beyond belief that people spout this crap without any reference to reality. Are women weird for playing sport - no. Do men stand out if they're sat in a cafe reading the paper - no. But kids? Let's roll out every old stereotype we can think of.